Am I a bad mother If I am dating someone who has had 2 DUI?

Belinda - posted on 05/26/2013 ( 22 moms have responded )

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I am a mother of two kids. I've never been in trouble with the law. Every day my life consist of work and being home with my kids. I dont drink, smoke etc....Well I have a boyfriend whom I have been with for almost 3yrs and he has had 2 DUI, never with me or my kids in car, just him alone. Does that make me a bad mom having him in mine and my kids life? My Ex thinks it is so wanted opinions..thnx

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Cortni Hogan - posted on 05/29/2013

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I can understand your worry but NO..this..in my opinion...most certaintly does NOT make u a bad mother! You know this man better than any of us that can answer this but if youronly concern is the 2 DUIS then i agree with the fact your your own best judge of character in a relationship for yourself and kids but this isnt any charge i would worry about especially considering it happened before u dated him AND its your ex who is worried....Our exes tend to find little-big things to find wrong with the "new guy" so i hope he isnt the reason you worry! Good luck and dont worry ab a thing doll :)

B - posted on 05/31/2013

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I know someone whose husband had two DUIs when he was in his 20s, long before he met her. He did the crime, did the time (and money), and has learned from his mistakes. He is an EXCELLENT father, a pretty great husband, and a responsible individual.

I know someone else whose now ex-boyfriend had two DUIs and one other one that was thrown out (even though he WAS drunk); the DUIs happened before they met, the one that was thrown out was while they were together, but she was at home and had to bail him out. She found out later, after a couple of years of him hiding it very well, that he was an alcoholic and a crackhead, briefly let it go, and finally left him after she basically screwed up her own life because of it (she is MORE than fine, now).

So it all comes down to this one question that you have to ask yourself and answer with complete honesty: If you momentarily ignore the DUIs and your ex's doubts (because that would happen even if your boyfriend had won the Nobel Peace Prize), is your boyfriend a good, responsible person, or is he headed down the road to a third DUI? You know what to do once you have your answer.

Enna - posted on 05/29/2013

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Well, I wouldn't date him, but I don't necessarily think that makes you a bad mother. You have to think about it though: Is he a person you want to have as a role model to your kids?

Leslie - posted on 05/28/2013

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I don't think your a bad mother at all. DUI's should not matter at all. What matters is how he treats you and especially your babies. Thats the most important. People make mistakes, period. No one is perfect. I'm not saying he should keep getting them either. LoL! Your ex opinoin, is only his opinion.

Leslie - posted on 05/28/2013

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I think that you may need to think beyond the DUI' s. People make mistakes and it is true that you can have one drink and still be over the limit, but two DUI' s probably does signal poor choices. But going beyond that you say that you have been together for 3 yrs and that you never let him drive your kids anywhere and you never let your kids be alone with him. I don't think after 3 years that you should feel uncomfortable leaving your kids with him. If you are looking for a husband do you really want someone you don't feel that you can depend upon? I think you already know what you should do. It's not about the DUI' s it's more about not settling when you deserve someone who You can depend on and that could step in as a father figure who You have complete trust in. I am sure he is a nice guy but maybe not the right one for you.

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Linda - posted on 05/31/2013

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Belinda, I wouldn't judge yourself as bad. But I would give a word of caution and ask yourself the question, what kind of relationship do you think you deserve? Any person with DUI history might have a drinking problem. If that is the case, would it be wise to subject yourself or your children to that illness? Also - don't settle in relationships, find a person who will love you and your children just as you are. Warmest regards, Linda

Amber - posted on 05/29/2013

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Well now its clear. I think we as a mother want to give best father to our kids. No one is perfect.Just think how would u hide deficiencies of their real father. You will have your answer. I have only one query that was that incident happened in your presence? If yes then you should evaluate his level of responsiblity once again.

Kristin - posted on 05/28/2013

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I think it has just as much to do with who you choose to surround yourself with as a woman as it does with you as a mother. If he's been caught more than once, you can be pretty confident that it's happened more often. He's not showing good decision-making skills or judgement and you have to decide for yourself if that makes him someone who's worth your time.

Amber - posted on 05/28/2013

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What is DUI?? I m sorry but I am not familiar with this word. will comment after knowing DUI. :-)

Belinda - posted on 05/28/2013

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Kelly I honestly don't think I will trust any guy with my kids other than their father! It's just me making that choice because I see a lot on news about innocent kids. Maybe it freaked me out a bit and I just like to play it safe no matter whom Im with. Maybe I get over that fear...But he has watched them before and the kids do like him. Also one DUI was way before I met him and one was after I got with him. I understand everything you said because I agree about people who drink and drive.

Belinda - posted on 05/28/2013

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Thank you Heather and Leslie you two seem to understand....Its not that I don't trust him with my kids after 3 yrs. Its just me trying to protect my kids from anything and anyone no matter whom Im with..I see a lot these days happening to innocent kids that I just like to make sure it doesn't happen to my kids. He is great to me and my kids I just like to have them at all times if not then my mother watches them since they are young...you can never be to careful that's just me. Maybe I just watch to much news, but my kids are my world.
Also the reason I was thinking of breaking it off with him is bc people keep telling me Im a bad mother for having someone with 2 DUI's...especially my Ex. It just stresses me out and before I loose my kids I am willing to break up with him if It would cause me to loose them....I wouldn't be able to handle that!

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Were the DUI's before you met, or were they within the last 3 years? I might consider forgiveness if it was a stupid mistake in his teens, but honestly, it's not hard to avoid a DUI, so I don't have much sympathy for those cases--if you go out drinking with your friends, have a designated driver or take a cab. If you have a drink, DO NOT DRIVE. AT ALL. PERIOD. It takes only one drink to impair a person's ability to drive safely, and people very rarely stop at one drink anyway.

My issue with DUI's and the people who get them repeatedly is that they have absolutely no respect for the people they share the road with. When a person decides to drive drunk, they are essentially saying "I care more about saving $30 on cab fare than I do about the lives of the other motorists I might hit on this road." Is that the kind of person you want fathering your children?

In addition to the DUI issue, I agree with Leslie--you've been with him for 3 years and you cannot trust him alone with your kids? There is something wrong there. Did you interview your nanny for 3 years? What if you had a child with him? If your relationship didn't work out, you would be forced to give him time with your child, possibly unsupervised. If you don't feel like a man is safe to be alone with your children, you should not have a relationship with him. I know it takes time to trust a man, I get that, but if after 3 years, you still have reservations, and you know you could not raise a family with him, I think it's time to call it quits.

Heather - posted on 05/27/2013

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When were the 2 DUI's? I honestly would not hold this against someone as some people just have bad luck. If he has not demonstrated anything else, not saying DUI's are a good thing, but let's face it these days, one could go out to dinner and get a DUI. It seems to me like there is a lot more going on then DUI's if you are thinking of breaking it off with this guy. You got into a relationship with him and knew about the DUI's, but perhaps you are noticing other things that you don't like about him? I would definitely say that you are not a bad mother for being with someone with 2 DUI's. Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. Bad things happen to good people and as I said before DUI's are not a good thing, and if he has learned from them (sometimes it just takes others longer) I really wouldn't worry about it too much. If you feel there is something else going on, than go with your gut instinct. No one can tell you better than your self.

Belinda - posted on 05/26/2013

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Well since the 2 DUI, which was awhile back, he has stopped drinking but either way No I do not let him drive me or the kids around, I am always the one driving if we all go some where. Plus he sold his car anyways after that. Most of all I never leave him alone with my kids ever, no matter who I am dating I would never do that. Yes he does have poor judgments I've notice and I have been thinking about breaking it off with him for some time now because of it. I love my children with all my heart everyone who knows me knows that and I just wanted some opinions on this matter. Also you say you wouldn't let your kids around him, well he has never drank in front of my kids or me. once again he isn't an alcoholic, he drinks when he with friends and that's the time he ends up getting caught drinking and driving. He knows I don't want it near me or my kids. Other than his poor judgment when it comes to drinking and driving he is hasn't been in trouble with the law. But I do understand when you say someone who has poor Judgment like that shouldn't be around my kids. Just wanted opinions to help me on this situation.

Dove - posted on 05/26/2013

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Another question to ask is.... he's gotten two DUIs... which means he's been caught twice. How often is he driving drunk and NOT getting caught?

This is REALLY something you need to think about. I know if my ex or his wife had any DUIs and I was aware of it I would certainly be taking it to court as I would be unable to trust them with the well being of my children.

Dove - posted on 05/26/2013

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Getting one DUI (while never ok) and then making the choice to QUIT drinking... or at least never drink and drive... would be one thing, but getting two DUI's is showing a habit of poor judgement... and is not someone that I would continue dating.

If you do continue to date him... I would not allow him around the children at all and would be the driver anytime the two of you choose to be together. Otherwise... your ex could have a very good case if he takes it to court.

Amy - posted on 05/26/2013

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The perpencity is there to make very poor decisions and as a mother regardless of whether it was around my kids or not its not someone I would be with long term. As a mom my kids come first, I just ended an 8 year marriage to someone who made poor decisions I don't plan on getting involved with someone else who does. It's your choice but as I stated in my first comment it's not someone I would be dating.

Belinda - posted on 05/26/2013

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Well He isn't a every day drinker or an alcoholic, but he has made bad choices of drinking and driving when he is out drinking with friends. I have gotten onto him about that because yes I would feel horrible if he crashed into a family while driving his car drunk and killed them. I am just wanting to know if that makes me a bad mother dating someone who has had 2 DUI with him alone in car? He doesn't drink around my kids or me, he just has drinks with friends occasionally like a lot of people do.

Amy - posted on 05/26/2013

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Honestly it's not someone that I would want my kids around long term. Every time he gets behind the wheel of the car drunk he's not only endangering his life but everyone else that is out. How would you feel if he crashed into a family while driving his car drunk and killed a child?

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