Am I a horrible person for disliking my future in-laws(mother and sister)?

Amanda - posted on 09/30/2009 ( 29 moms have responded )

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I absolutely cannot stand going to visit my boyfriends family anymore. His mother is obnoxious towards everyone and his little sister is a spoiled brat. I put up with his mother but his sister is 7 years old and our 1 yr old acts more maturely than she does. I raise my daughter the way I do because i don't want her to turn out like his sister, who whines and cries ALL the time when she doesnt get her way and still has to be rocked to sleep at nite. I don't want to keep our daughter away from her family but it's completely unbearable for me anymore. My boyfriend and I fight over this and our relationship is getting worse. What can I do and is it wrong of me to think this way???plz help.

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Tarrah Lynn - posted on 05/13/2013

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Nope. My ex in laws were horrible and greedy. Screwed me over and didn't care that their 300 lb son/brother was putting his hands on me and I'm very small. They also used my credit to dump a house the dad wanted to sell. Then his sister got in on MY house and her nose all up in it!! I'm the one that got screwed and his family took ME to court?! They lost. Haha!! Everyone fought over it except me and my ex! GREEDY!!!

Kline - posted on 09/30/2009

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i'm so sad w/ ur situation, i'm wishing you all the best to be happy in life, yah we visit in my in laws sometimes but it is really fast, we don't stay there for too long. this really helps to have a good relationship w/ them.

Michelle - posted on 09/30/2009

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Quoting Jessica:

wow...these posts scare me. YOU are raising your kid..so teach your child to be a leader and not a follower. If you avoid the family, you're showing your child to run away from their problems. Talk with your future mother in law...try to work it out. If you go to her with an open heart and explain how you're feeling, she might surprise you.



Then again she might not!



I tried to have a sit down conversation with my MIL and she ended up swinging at me!  I'm not even kidding!  I tried to explain that I didn't like the snide comments that she gave about my famile, the complaining that it was all my fault she didn't get to see her son as much because he moved out (he was 27) and a few other things.  She got so upset at me she actually took a swing!  And the scary thing is it's happened three times!!  Once when she found out he was moving into my place, again with the above conversation and the last time was because I told her I wouldn't argue with her about Canadian/American land and money!!  I wish I could say I was joking but I'm not!



So we don't go to their house, because her temper is way to bad for my 9 month old to be around.  They will never have my child overnight and my husband has agreed with me on that one.  I do however get along great with my SIL, but that's because she has been there when this stuff has gone on.  My FIL is alright most of the time, his only issue is that he thinks he's better then everyone else.



So if you don't feel comfortable going there, let your man take the little one over and you can have some alone time.  I still go for major holidays, but we just don't stay long and I just keep my mouth shut!



I hope maybe you'll have better luck with your inlaws then I have with mine!  Maybe your's will make a change for the better:o)



Good luck!

Ashley - posted on 09/30/2009

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I don't think that you have anything to worry about. My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years now. We have a 12 month old son together and when it comes to his family, well lets just say most like me. From the day I found out I was pregnant up until now my boyfriends mother has done nothing but call me names and spread nasty rumors about me to everyone that my boyfriend knows. When I started dating my boyfriend we actually moved in together (his mother's house) and she was okay with it. When I found out I was pregnant with his child she told me to abort or get out. I chose to get out, and her son moved with me. From that point she told everyone that we both knew and talked to that I spent around, and that I was a whore and what ever else she could tell anyone. I had so many dirty looks it was unbelievable. She went as far as to tell my boyfriends sister (whom was over seas in Egypt) that I was pregnant with someone elses child and that I kidnapped my boyfriend. It was horrible. The rest of his family loves me and my son. So when it comes down to it.. She's not allowed to see my son- ever- until she learns to accept me and show me respect. I have made it my point that if there is a family event that she is not allowed to come near me and if I hear anything about what she is telling people about me I will make no scene I will be the better adult. But there is no reason that you should feel bad about her not liking you. Let your boyfriend take her over to their house and if your daughter seems to be influenced by things the sister is doing than curb the visits for awhile. Hope all goes well for you.

Kline - posted on 09/30/2009

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that's normal for us to hate them also if they don't treat us nice, it is really possible for us to do such bad things if we pursue to a situaton that we don't really want to do, i hate my in laws bec. they don't treat me the way i like to be treated that way and i was not born to be treated in a bad way, so i decided not to be with them anymore, and i'm happy bec. my husband do really understand me and the situation bec. he's aware already w/ the bad attitude that his parents had. we love each other,so i think trust and understanding each other really helps to create a good relationship between the two of us, i'm so lucky bec. my husband doesn't tolerate the bad attitude of his sister and parents. i really thanked god for having a husband like him.

Leanne - posted on 09/30/2009

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unfortunatley only u know the answer to that q's?? try to be polite & let the little things wash over u... choose ur battles!! let ur partner know how u feel but don't harp on about it constantly as he will feel that he is being punished & its not his fault his family are they way they are!! im not saying they haven't got probs but luckily they aren't ur probs aye? Im sure ur child with a diff upbringing is going to soon see when she is old enuff that their ways are not ones she would like to MIRROR!! My out-laws are great so im lucky, my oldies spoil my 3& a half yr old rotten when she is there, but thats their choice i suppose... but its def a few days in "boot camp" when we come home from there, trying to sort her out!! guess its the price u pay for a couple of days break!! we all pay in different ways!! hope this helps... be strong!! best of luck!! & remember dont sweat the small stuff!! :)

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hi amanda, i know wat ur going through i myself have a simliar problem basically you jst have to wrk out a middle ground were u both get abit of wat you want, you have to tell him and his family how u feel and make them understand its hard but if you can get jst even a little of wat your feelin through to them things may change the way you want them to be. and as for you thinking its wrong to think his way no your jst trying to protect urself and your child, believe me i know how you feel. anytime i hope this helped even a little.

Kyla - posted on 09/30/2009

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This is quite a hard place to be and believe me when I tell you, I completely feel your pain. I would love to tell you exactly how to deal with this, but there is really no easy answer. All I can suggest is grin and bare it. If it upsets your boyfriend that you don't get along, explain calmly to him what exactly bothers you and leave it at that. The upside is that you aren't living in the same house as these people, so the family gatherings should be at least bearable. Good luck...and remember...deep breaths always!!

Modesta - posted on 09/30/2009

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You seem to be very selfish and are only thinking about how you feel. How about the fact the the kids will not get to enjoy hanging out with their aunt whiny or not. That is the best time for people to grow up, remembering how annoying they were as a child, that would be a good story for someone to remind that person when they grow up. Please don't let your child be deprived of knowing the other half, because in the end that will be the half they your child is going to be attracted to. when she grows up. I believe in Karma. No disrespect to you. I lived it, so I know. God bless in your decision.

Krista - posted on 09/30/2009

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NO! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Just remember to be the better person and take the high road for your husbands sake. He loves you both but he needs to remember you are is wife and he needs to be on your side when it comes to a confrontation. It is ok for you not to agree with how the sister is being raised. When you do go over try to take your daughter to a different room to play, try to do things that you know the sister will not want to do. Talk to your mother-in-law, tell her you love here and your sister-in-law but you just don't agree with the way she lets her act. Your husband needs and should understand that you and his mother are very different people. Try not to fight about it because it is not within either of yours' control, and if you continue to fight it will end up being the death of your relationship. The worst thing you can do is make him choose between you and his mother. If it is so bad that you can't go there anymore, let him go alone so he can visit them, or have his mother come over alone to visit her granddaughter.

Jennifer - posted on 09/30/2009

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you should not feel bad at all. just talk to you boyfriend about it and waht bothers you. people can change for the better and if not, its not your fault for staying away. believe me i can't stand my mother in law or sister in law one bit.

Christina - posted on 09/30/2009

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counsellor counsellor counsellor!! If you're already the enemy when it comes to critisizing his family get an objective 3rd person to state the middle ground!!

Jessica - posted on 09/30/2009

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wow...these posts scare me. YOU are raising your kid..so teach your child to be a leader and not a follower. If you avoid the family, you're showing your child to run away from their problems. Talk with your future mother in law...try to work it out. If you go to her with an open heart and explain how you're feeling, she might surprise you.

Jessika - posted on 09/30/2009

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Quoting Amanda:

That's another thing that bothers me...i am afraid that his sister will influence my daughter to act the way she does and his mother doesnt even play with my daughter and hardly talks to her. I feel grandparents should shower their grandchildren with love...not try and avoid them when theyre around.


I agree with you. However if they feel their way is right and not yours or vice versa, you can't force a person to change their point of view if they don't want to.

Brenda - posted on 09/30/2009

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I have issue with my in laws as well.. we simply limit the time we are there. They do Sunday dinners so we go twice a month for that. Other than that we really dont go over there because I dont feel they respect our rules we have for our two year old (i.e No candy at 8pm!).



It did cause a TON of problems with my Husband and I (we were living there for a year).. I finally had to explain to him I just need to vent and it would be nice if he could not stick up for them 100% of the time.. now I try to just not complain about them and put up with them for dinner. Honestly two ours every other sunday isnt really that bad.



Good luck!

Jessika - posted on 09/30/2009

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Sorry I forgot to add about your relationship. You can't MAKE and shouldn't make yourself like someone. You either do or don't. My attitude with my in-laws is pretty much this, I don't live with them, I just have to tolerate for the amount of time we are there, at the end of the day their not my problem and I have more important things to worry about then other people. You have a little girl to raise, concentrate your energy on your little girl and your relationship rather then your like and dislikes. You can't change how your in-laws are but you can change what goes on in your home. Focus on the right things girl. Don't let HIS family destroy YOURS.

Jessika - posted on 09/30/2009

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Hi Amanda, to be honest I'm not crazy about a few of my in-laws either (mostly due to drugs and alcoholism. I visit with my fiance and our son out of respect but trust me I count down the minutes t'ill we leave. Although I dislike them, I feel that my son still has a right to know his grand ma and family, but the rules are very strict and should they not respect them, the baby and I leave. Unfortunately you can't really control what you daughter sees and doesn't when she's outside your home. She could pick up a bad behavior from another child in daycare or just something she sees on tv or while your out at the store. If you make sure that she knows what your definition of right and wrong behaviors are then yourself and your little girl will come out ahead.

Sharon - posted on 09/30/2009

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HA!!



You're marrying into crazy by choice. Don't get me wrong I did too. But honestly if I had to do it all over again - I might not have!



I hate my husbands family so much I didn't take his last name. This area is nothing but a series of small towns and everyone knows everyone, especially families that have been here for generations, like his. People know how fkd up his family his so I don't tell them we are "that" family.



You can raise your daughter how you want - but she will learn by observation. My husband was forbidden to take my kids anywhere near their cousins. Gross little bobble headed freaks. They cried over EVERYTHING. A cloud floats into view - the small one would cry - god only knows why. another one is a highschool drop out who thinks getting his 16 yr old GF pregnant is a good idea 'cause then her parents will have to give them a car & a place to live. Yep they are that kind of insane.



My kids have only met their older cousins who are quite sane because their mother divorced my BIL and raised them seperately from fringe "hills have eyes" clan.

Laurie - posted on 09/30/2009

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I have had bad in law issues in the past and the responsibility has to be with your boyfriend. It's his family, so it's his job to take care of the problem. You have to make it clear that you WILL NOT be around his mom if she acts the way she does. She will not change unless she is forced to by your boyfriend. If she understands that she won't see her son and grandchild unless her behavior improves, then you might see a change. You should not just stay away and let him take the baby over either since that may be a win for his mom, she may be pushing you to see what she can get away with. He needs to sit down with her and explain the problem, then it's up to her whether or not she will help to solve it. As far as the spoiled brat is concerned, you don't need to be around her and your child certainly does not need to be around her. It sets a bad example. Maybe you could try having the child over to your house and then letting her know what is acceptable behavior and what is not. But your first priority has to be the relationship, if you boyfriend won't defend you and get on board with helping you, then I'm afraid you are in trouble. God bless and good luck.

Britni - posted on 09/30/2009

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Not at all! You can't like everybody. Me and my mother-in law have never gotten along. She always critisized everything i did. So now we only see eachother for family gathering and holidays and we are polite to each other. so dont feel bad. it happens.

Diana - posted on 09/30/2009

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I def have a monster in law. Thing is I never thought she liked me from the get-go. My husband and I have been together 8 years now, and she STILL treats me weird. Keep your distance, but do go to family gatherings, and put on a smile. At least your kiddos will get to spend time with the grandbabies...even tho sometimes they say stuff that will just flat out make you look like a terrible mom...but just smile. LOL And don't worry too much about making her happy. Just keep you and the kids happy and that's ALL that matters!!

Julie - posted on 09/30/2009

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My MIL passed before my husband and I ever met, and he's an only child, so I don't have that particular problem. I do, however, know what it is to dislike your inlaws. One of my hubby's uncles wife and her children from a previous marraige had it in for me! They lied, stole, gossiped, and continuously disrespected me. one time my hubby and I got in a fight over them, and I said,"Ya know, it really sucks that I can't have an opinion, and express it to YOU, (my husband, the one I trust above all other, and the one thats suppose to support me emotionally, and be non-judgmental), a feeling or thought I have about SOMEONE else besides ourselfs in the safety of our own home, and have you automatically refuse to have some understanding of why I said it in the first place. Do you really think I'm that shallow? Do you really think that the observation I made was snap judgment call, and not actually thought through, and examined? Thanks babe. Means allot. I'm glad to have your understanding."

After that, he thought about it, and began to see it from my point of view, and worked with me around them.

Jan - posted on 09/30/2009

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Hi Amanda, sadly my relationship with my in~laws started off like this & over the years it has declined. My children rarely see their Nan & Grandad now, but I wish it were different. Dont leave it too late, speak to your partner, get him to face his Mum & say that neither of you feel the sister is acting her age, at 7 she should be going to bed with a cuddle but not being rocked like a baby! As for the whining, fingers crossed that will stop with age, perhaps you could invite her to stay & she could see how you are with your little one, give it time Im sure it will improve. Good luck. x

Amanda - posted on 09/30/2009

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That's another thing that bothers me...i am afraid that his sister will influence my daughter to act the way she does and his mother doesnt even play with my daughter and hardly talks to her. I feel grandparents should shower their grandchildren with love...not try and avoid them when theyre around.

April - posted on 09/30/2009

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i completely understand what you're going through. i have the same problem with my mother in law and i can't even begin to describe how horrible it is to be around her. but family is family. i keep my distance during family gatherings and i guess she's too busy with entertaining my kids to even bother look my way..but that 's fine with me...just keep a little distance and respect each others space is what worked for me...dunno if that helped? =)

Jackie - posted on 09/30/2009

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You know we aren't meant to like all our family. And when you marry him you are marrying his family. But that doesn't mean this all has to end badly. You have to decide what you can ignore and keep to yourself. Then you have to decide what is the deal breakers! Talk about the deal breakers with your man and let him know you are going to be talking to your MIL about them. You may be surprised to find out they are deal breakers for your bf also. Myself and my mother inlaw have had a rocker past. We will have a rocky future. But we both do our best to be mature and move forward so no one in the family misses out. It might take a while.. it might take a few arguements and avoiding their house for a while. But if you and your bf are willing to be on the same page and stand for what you believe then there is no reason why your feelings about his mother or sister should deeply effect your relationship. Sometimes men just need their wives to point out that something isn't right for them to realize. Remember he grew up with her... it might all seem normal and proper to him.

Stacy - posted on 09/30/2009

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I'd say let your boyfriend take her over to see his side of the family. I like my in laws, but occasionally they get on my last nerve and there are just times I don't want to be around. So I'll send hubby over with the kids and stay at home.

Ryann - posted on 09/30/2009

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trust me i am going through the same thing with mother in law. I cannot stand her!!! I unfortunetley live with her! my suggestion would be make your husband bring the baby and not join them theres no reason you need to go if your not happy, good luck

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