Am i been selfish to my baby for denying her father to see her?

Jecinta - posted on 01/21/2014 ( 34 moms have responded )

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we were in a serious relationship and happy....but after he realized that i was pregnant he damped me because i refused to abort.. i struggled alone and God gave me a beautiful and healthy baby now he comes around begging to see her but he has never contributed anything towards her upbringing..i have refused him to see her... am i to strict and also am afraid that when my gal grows up she will blame me for denying her chance to be with her father am so so confused...plz help me...

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Dennis De - posted on 01/26/2014

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Speaking as a man who speaks to men, many of whom are fathers, I can assure the moms here that "ownership" of children is a sore spot with them. A mom thinks that she is the primary parent of a child -- but a father simply does not think this way. His input was, frankly, critical; he determined the sex of the child, for one thing, and nearly half of its genes. He is the father. All the pains of pregnancy and the angst of child-rearing, will mean very little to a child who wants to know who his or her father is. My sons will never know their mother; she's dead; and this is a point in contention. We were planning a divorce and having just this argument when she was killed. I had to step up to the plate and raise two sons. I cut a deal with them. There would be women in the house on and off, but they would not be step-mothers (I'd gone through that mess!). We would work together to make them independent. We did. We had zero, nilch, no problems of trust. Not one incident. Every single problem arising from childcare that isn't 'natural', accidental, medical, whatever, is an issue of trust -- and every issue here at the Circle is about trust. Do you trust the man you chose to father your children? Well, that's this one. Do you trust your children? Do you trust your schools? Do you trust your courts (men don't). Do you trust in equity -- or are you determined to divide equality so that you win (and your children lose). Fathers and men do not foresee the problems ahead for their kids any more than moms and women do, but they are part and parcel of the equation no matter how much you personally believe that you own that child. And right at home plate, you are wrong to make that assumption. No mother owns her child. She may act so; she may even think so; but making that presumption is going to cause any number of problems in raising the child -- for you and the child. The idea is less than an idea; it's just a horrible mistake. It ain't true, and to act as if it were true, is to set yourself for a fall. You aren't a mother so that you can deny a child its rights. Uncle Sam is more than willing to play godfather to fatherless children of single mothers, but the single mother then loses half her rights to be a parent.

Rebecca - posted on 01/24/2014

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I think that you know what is best for your kids. If he wanted nothing to do with her until now than that show a lot about his character. My little girls dad was sort of like that he only made an effort when he wanted to or when it would benefit him. You do not have full Custody unless you have a court order saying you do... If you do not want your decisions about your little girl made for you. I suggest you get full custody and soon. after that you can decide what you think is best. what I am doing with my little one is I will let her make the decision if she wants to know her dad or not. when she is old enough to make that decision. I believe you have to make the best choice for you and your baby no matter what other people say they think is the best way to go. You are the mom, you know whats best for your family.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/22/2014

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Amrita, you'll "kick his butt and won't let him see my kids"...right into a custody switch to HIM.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, DO NOT advocate actions that could potentially lose the custodial mother her custody. DO NOT advocate actions that are potentially illegal or against a court order.

Amrita, if you do not already have support and visitation orders in place, it is your responsibility to do so, rather than deny the biological father of the children his right to have a relationship with them. You are NOT doing this "for their own good", you are doing this because you feel that the man has slighted you, treated you wrong, or plain just doesn't "deserve" to know his kids (depending on the post, any of these are true)

And then you proceed to contradict yourself by telling her that you'll not allow YOUR ex access to his children, but she should let HER ex take her to court...

Well, you BOTH need to go to court with your exes, and you BOTH need to abide by the decision of the adjudicator.

Jodi - posted on 01/22/2014

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If he wants to see her, by denying him, you are not only denying your child a relationship with her father (and yes, she will blame you if you are the reason she has no contact), but you are essentially committing something called parental alienation. If her father decides to take you to court for visitation, and he has evidence that he has continually attempted contact and you have continually denied him, you may actually lose custody of your child. You cannot use how YOU feel about your ex to deny your child her rights.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/27/2014

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Again, Makaiia, and everyone else advocating illegal actions:

IT IS NOT YOUR DECISION SOLELY ABOUT THIS CHILD. There are TWO parents involved, and the courts WILL issue a decision that takes both into account.

Should you then subsequently decide to "just do what you want" regardless, you will be in contempt of court, eligible for a jail sentence, and guess what, your kid gets to go to their father! A LOSE LOSE SITUATION.

AND, since you are NOT the sole decision maker in the eyes of the law, if you DO NOT have court orders in place that you adhere to, and you decide to flee with the child, guess what??? DADDY CAN take YOU to court for removing the child, can have you charged with attempted parental alienation, and can petition the courts for full custody.

Again, a lose lose situation.

Be smart.

34 Comments

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Fiona - posted on 01/27/2014

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My life has moved on some what in the past 4 years. Not only a mum to my own 2 daughters i am about to take on my partners son in to my home . I hope to make his life happyer than its been in the time i have known him . Hes a loveable boy thats in need of support . His mum jas asked his dad to have him however his dad works aways and i only see him on a weekend. So thats why hes coming to me. his mum is happy with this. I hope it helps his mum have a more relaxed relationship with her son when he visits her and his younger sisters and brother. I just hope hes going to take this chance and see what a wonderful child he is. As he feels un loved at the moment so he plays up.

Sartismith - posted on 01/27/2014

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Hey there I things you are the same I have I don't have any family in here only I have my husband and my daughter. My husband been struggling so many things and high risk but everything is me I just work as nanny's work hard and so many things done with cutting grass need to be happy and have said something. And family members and his friends jealous see now my my daughter 6 years and she have light allergic with weath/white eggs and peanut butter dust and different animal I am really stressful can you are help me out.thanks God bless you

Makaiia - posted on 01/27/2014

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In my opinion, being in the same situation as u, if u don't believe ur baby daddy should see ur daughter then don't let him .. but make sure its because he doesn't deserve it not because u r mad at him .. if he is a good dad and will support and help ur child then let him see her but if he is a dead beat like he sounds like he doesn't deserve to see ur daughter and not all kids need a father if their father is not a good father.. u want ur daughter to have the best people and role models in her life and if u don't think her father is going to be a good role model then why should he be in her life ? its not fair to keep her from her father but if her father isn't worth her time u r doing her a favor ..

Fiona - posted on 01/26/2014

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Well i am a mum of a 21 year old daughter and a 13 year old daughter. Both my girls are from different dads. I never stopped there dads from seeing them . Dad number one would pick our daughter up on a weekend then would ring me saying he had been called into work so our daughter would have to come home. our daughter soon stopped seeing her dad as he liked his job better and his new girlfriend did not want our daughter around them . She stopped seeing her dad when she was 12 as this affected her in a big way. Our daughter went off the rails. She would not go to school. Then she started running away from home for long periods of time. In the end i stepped

down in my job and made a deal with her Which was to go to school and i would not work as hard. This made me very ill . I still
had my other daughter to think about as well












her dad is realy good with her . He has always been there for his daughter never failed her they have a fantastic relationship . They have there moody moments with eachothet



stopped seeing her dad at the age of 12 due to her dad wanting his job more and his girlfriend more. She went off the rails i was always there for her. She would run away for 6 8

Bex - posted on 01/26/2014

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I understand what is going through your head and honestly if he wants to see her he has to step up, did you confront him to this issue of why you don't want him to see her? If so he needs to man up and take responsibility and patch things up for your family.
Give it time

Sarah - posted on 01/25/2014

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I understand why you don't want him seeing your daughter. Maybe you should talk to him first and see if he has change and if he deserves to see your daughter. I know your are scared that your daughter might blame you, but you can explain to her the situation. Or you can give her dad another chance. And you are not being strict you are just protecting your daughter.

Jodi - posted on 01/25/2014

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"You as a mother know whats right for your child."

You know what? That's complete bullshit, and I get so sick of people spouting it like it is the truth. If that were true, we wouldn't need family courts and child protection wouldn't be necessary. Mothers do NOT always know best.

Basically, as a mother, she is reacting by how SHE feels emotionally, not objectively. So no, when we are ruled by our emotions, we don't always know best. The ONLY reason this lady is denying visitation is because he won't pay. I'm sorry, but anyone who thinks their child is some sort of commodity for rent is NOT thinking of the child.

Jessica - posted on 01/25/2014

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You as a mother know whats right for your child. If you had a good relationship when you were with him you can think about forgiving him for the way he acted and see how he behaves with her. If you feel good about it then maybe there can be more. But I would definitely go to court and get full custody just to cover yourself the only problem with that is he can get visitation court ordered. Usually its better for u if you start the court process before he thinks of it. If leaving him alone with the child is the issue the court will have supervised visitation at first. Good luck!

Zeinab - posted on 01/24/2014

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Give him another chance maybe he felt he was wrong every body have mistakes plus any child has the right to have a mom and a dad .

Youcant - posted on 01/24/2014

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Yes you are....if he is a good dad then let him see his child and give your baby another sistet or brother

Marissa - posted on 01/23/2014

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I am in that same similar situation but unfortunely my baby father don't want anything to do with our daughter and i want my little girl to know her dad so bad cuz i believe it is very important for a child to know both parents... So i would suggest to let him come around y'all baby girl and let her make the decision if she want him around her once she gets older.. then uu wont feel as guilty, uu done ur part as a mother and it will be all up to her and him .

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/23/2014

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Amrita, I certainly hope when you say you've been told that "legally" custody reverts to you...that you actually mean that you've spoken with an attorney and they have confirmed that is the case. Because, if you're in the US, there's no "automatic" anything in regards to custody/visitation/support...

Jenna - posted on 01/23/2014

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Hi Jecinta,

As a single mother, I can relate to your post.
I thought I might be able to provide you with some insight as I have been in this same situation.
I know that it is hard but you really need to consider your child’s best interest.
Your child really will benefit from having both parents in her life.

I think that the first step is to go to court and get a legal custody and child support agreement in place to protect you both
And ease your child into the new situation so that she isn't overwhelmed.

As long as he doesn’t pose a danger to your child I think that it is important to not shut him out if he is trying to be there for your daughter otherwise she will resent you as she grows and I think that is almost for certain.

I wish you the very best! This situation is definitely not a fun one. As someone struggling in a similar situation you may want to check out my blog

www.teenmomtheaftermath.com

I blog about similar situations in dealing with my children’s father.

-Jenna

Dove - posted on 01/22/2014

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If he takes you to court... he WILL get visitation. Period. Your child has a legal and moral right to a chance at a relationship w/ both her parents.... no matter how you feel about it.

User - posted on 01/22/2014

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Shawn,
I know what u mean.
In my case, my children;s father made me pregnant with our second baby, and wanted me to abort the child. Didn't want baby as he didn't want to give child support. He also got married to another woman when i was 2 months pregnant.
He met me once in my entire pregnancy hen i was 8 months pregnant, saying he wants to meet our elder son as he was leaving the country. All he did when he met me was tell me that I'm not supposed to tell centreline that this second one is his child as i have kept the baby against his approval.
I have exempted him from child support of both kids, and i haven't seen him after that day, he does not even know if my second one is boy or girl and i snow 8 months old already.
I have been told legally that when such a thing happens, children automatically come 100% in my care and i don't need to do anything for custody.
In future, if he wishes to meet kids, he will have to first go to some initial mediator between court and him, have a date, if that session failed, then he will have to go to court, pay lotttts of money, and then after hearing my side as well, court will decide visitation and which dates.
Till he takes this step, i will lever allow him to meet kids. And if he takes this step, he will have to start giving me child support (not that i want, but its a rule), if he is showing off that he cares, he might as well prove it. Its no about money, its about being worried how mother is managing.
What i meant to say is that, if he wishes to meet kids, let him do it legally, because i have experienced that my children's father comes midnight and says i want to see elder son, even if he is sleeping, he woke him up. I was sick of this, tis is not love, this is selfishness.
May God guide all mothers who need help. Amen.

User - posted on 01/22/2014

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I AM IN ABSOLUTELY SIMILAR SITUATION Jecinta. f my children;s father comes around, i will kick his butt and won't let him see my kids because i know that he will leave us again (no matter how much painful this is going to be for me). We know that this will affect lives of little angels we have raised till now. Its for their own good that we need to kick those dead beats. Cause they will not change.
U need to do your part. If your daughter feels u were wrong, she will realise if she ever goes through this too (god forbid). There is no control on her thoughts but u can definitely teach her how to think. That day is toooo far away. As of now, u need to protect her and say NOOO to that lazy man, the father.
Let him go to court and legally meet her if he wishes to. These men just take advantage and meet when they want to and not be responsible. Let him be responsible legally if he really wishes to change.
Goodluck.

Lisa - posted on 01/22/2014

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I was in a similar situation and I decided that I would not hold hatred in my heart for my son's dad. I found it within myself to forgive and allow him in my son's life. However, he was on again off again daddy and it was extremely confusing to my son. Even then I wanted to give him every possible chance to be in his life so I allowed it to happen for 4 years. Eventually his dad called me and said that being his daddy was just too much for him to handle and he never wanted to see him again. He paid child support (by garnishment of course but it did come) for the next four year and still to this day has never seen him again. As he promised he would do he changed his number,moved and totally forgot that we ever existed. that was an extremely trying time for my 4year old son. He was crushed and it showed in many ways.
Not too long after I meet my husband who is now in the process of adopting him. We contacted the biological father who agreed to waive his rights and consent to the adoption. It's my son's 8th birthday today and he is happier than ever and such an amazing child. Over this past December I had several court hearings for the parental relinquishment of his biological father. He is strongly addicted to drugs, his other daughter is in and out of the social services system and he admits openly that he will never be able to provide the life that my husband and I have. I got lucky, my son knows that my husband is his "forever daddy" and that he also has a "birth dad". We went to counseling to ensure that we knew exactly how to handle the emotional and mental aspects of this for a small child. He is happy that his forever daddy is his daddy and i hope that the affects as he gets older are similar. Both my husband and I have supported the idea of him wanting to find his real dad and we will help him when the time comes(if this is something my child decides he wants to do).

In short, this is not about you. Its about your child. You should allow him every opportunity to see your child so long as its within healthy and respectful bounds. I have been there and I know how hard it is. But in the end if you deny that child his father then its you has caused unforgivable hurt to your own child... Allow that father his god given right to be there however big or small he chooses that is between him and his child and at the end of the day he will have to answer to the choices he makes. Your job is solely to protect and comfort your child. If you do that not only will your heart be free of guilt and anger but your child will have the best chance at knowing both of his parents. Its not about who does what or who pays for what. At the end of the day your child will respect you so much more if you try your best to foster a relationship with him and his father.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/22/2014

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You are being selfish to yourself. You have absolutely no right to withhold that child from her biological father. And, yes, she will most likely blame you. Expect it.

Get his paternity established, and get court ordered support/custody/visitation set in place.

Susan - posted on 01/22/2014

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I get you. My ex asked for an abortion but because I kept it, he ended up coming round. We never got back together and ive allowed him in her life as much as I can. Ive put aside any sort of feelings about him being a looser cos at the end of the day, he actually 'wants' to be with her. And that melts my heart.

I would truly forgive him and thank him for the best gift ever, even if it is an inside job, you dont have to voice it to him. From then on, allow him access for your daughters sake. Take it slowly and see how it goes, you may even enjoy it and he may even end up being a good dad.

BIG HUGS

Amy - posted on 01/22/2014

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Yes you are being extremely selfish this isn't about you anymore and what your ex did, it's about your daughter and her right to know both parents. Regardless if he pays support or not that doesn't give you the right to deny him visitation, people change and just because he wanted you to abort at first doesn't mean he can never have a relationship with his daughter. I would get a court order set up for visitation though since you don't want him taking off with your daughter.

Michelle - posted on 01/22/2014

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You need to put aside your feelings about him and let your daughter have a relationship with her Father.
Visitation and child support are completely different issues. If you are that annoyed at him for not paying you anything then file for child support. Get it court ordered and then he'll have to pay. Also be prepared for him to request more visitation though.

Jecinta - posted on 01/22/2014

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I already forgave him but what pains me is the pitch he ever gave me and the fact that he re-married and only remembers her on chrismas days

Apulah - posted on 01/22/2014

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It is really a painful thing to deal with, however, u don't need to deny the innocent baby the opportunity to have a father may be feel fathers love remember to forgive is divine. God bless you and see you through this times.

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