Am I being Selfish?

Amy - posted on 05/30/2011 ( 36 moms have responded )




My daughter is coming up to her 2nd Birthday and a few Friends have suggested that we start trying for another. I'm nearly 22 and my daughter wasn't planned.

Don't get me wrong, I love my little girl more than anything ... but I hate the thought of having another. Mainly due to financial reasons but also because she had terrible colic and it really got me down - I don't think I could go through that again.

Am I being selfish for only having one? Should she have a brother or sister to keep her company?

Let me know what you think, be as brutal as you like.


Barb - posted on 05/30/2011




Ok, a couple of things. If you hate the thought of having another child then the obvious answer is; don't have another child.

Next, each child is unique, just because the first baby had colic doesn't mean the second one will.

And lastly, a child shouldn't be born with a job. Cute story though, my friend's daughter was expecting her second child. Her first child was so excited to have a baby sister and talked of nothing else. After my friend's daughter brought the baby home, my friends older granddaughter came to spend the night. My friend asked her what she thought of her baby sister, to which she replied; "she can't color or do nothing, she just lays there and cries like a baby"

No, you are NOT being selfish, it sounds to me like you are being logical and responsible because you know your financial situation.

You will never please everyone else. So don't allow yourself to get bullied into doing something you know is not a good decision for you and your family at this time.

Tiffany - posted on 05/30/2011




Amy, I worry about my dd who just turned 4 and is an only child, she wants a baby sister so bad.

I loved being pregnant (despite the high blood pressure that resulted and the 50 lbs of weight gain) but I had a traumatic birth, almost dying from blood loss. I also get the "You should have another baby" from friends. My family doesn't do it because they know about the problems I had during labor. My dd was the perfect baby, the only "bad" thing was the jaundice and having to put her in the bed light for 48 hours, which was hard on me not being able to hold her. But, as a previous persona stated, each child is different so I think, if I have another it will be the one to have all the issues, like colic. The biggest reason I haven't had another, I just don't want to go through all the work a little baby takes. It may be selfish but I don't care. I LIKE to sleep all night, I HATE changing diapers, I like that she eats what I do and I LOVE that my dd can talk to me to tell me what she wants or if anything is wrong. The only time I ever think I want another is when I am around a baby and get to hold it, that's when I think, oh wouldn't it be nice to have one of these again, but I am quickly reminded of the work involved.

Are you being selfish for only having one? No, it would be selfish of you to have another only because others are pressuring you.

Are brothers and sisters company? Yes they are, I am the 4th of 5 children. But I also know my family struggled financially. Right now my dd gets to do things like dance class, which neither I nor my younger sister were able to do since we didn't have the money. I get to be stage mom and plan to be room mom for her class because I do not have the responsibility of another child to prevent me from doing those things.

Next time someone suggests you have another, tell them if they are that concerned about it maybe they should have a baby to provide a playmate for your child.

Krista - posted on 05/30/2011




It's none of your friends' business how many kids you have. That is between you and your husband, nothing else. If you hate the thought of having another child, then do not have another child. There are plenty of only children out there, and they manage just great.

So no, you're not at all being selfish. You're just being smart, in that you know what you want. It'd be stupid, not selfless, to have another child when you don't want one, just because of peer pressure.

Danielle - posted on 05/31/2011




You are NOT selfish and to be honest, you're the opposite of it. If you had another baby right now as much as I'm sure you'd love your little one, you wouldn't be able to enjoy it quite as much since you wouldn't be prepared and committed to dealing with colic and sleepless nights and endless amounts of poopy diapers and scheduling outings around baby's sporadic naps and preparing formula and all the other stuff that comes along with it. I had my daughter unplanned when my son was just 16 months old. I love my little girl to pieces and I wouldn't change it for anything, but being completely honest I didn't enjoy her newborn stage as much as I enjoyed my sons. I spent a lot of that time with her thinking "when is it going to get easier again?" So now I feel guilty for feeling that way.

Long story short, you're smart and in the right mind set. Don't have another baby until you're ready.


View replies by

Rebecca - posted on 06/03/2011




Only you know how many children is right for you. I have a friend with one daughter (now 15 years) and it is a perfect fit for them. I, however have 5 daughters, and it works for us. Don't ever let anyone make life choices for you. Always know that your little girl will always know you love her. Wether you have more children, EVER, is up to you. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks or says. Because believe me no matter how many you do or do not have people will always have something to say. With 5 at my side, I get "how do you do it?", as well as,"when are you going to have another?". You are young, enjoy your daughter and let others comments come and go. It is just fine to have 1 child if that works for you.

Kayla - posted on 06/02/2011




Personally I don't think you are being selfish, you are being considerate and responsible. Having another child or not is your decision, no one else can decide that for you. Although it will be nice for your child to have siblings but I have many friends who have no siblings and they are still content and happy

Jaime - posted on 06/02/2011




You can't have another baby unless YOU want it! Don't let people push you. I had my son at 24 and I am 32 and just now having my second. It is how you feel and what you can handle right now. 22 is young and you can wait.

Janna - posted on 06/02/2011




You have to do what is right for you. If you are not ready for another baby, then you should not have another baby. Your feelings may change down the road, but that is how you are feeling now. Like Barb said, each child is different. Just because your daughter had colic really bad does not mean that your next child will.

Tah - posted on 06/02/2011




girl are, take your time. Do i like the idea of having more than one child..yes, that aunt, uncle, sibling having someone to vent to about how much i get on their nerves..yes, but i wouldnt be children are all 5 years apart and i finished schools, diplomaa/degrees/certs etc in between all of them so that i could continue to provide more for them as my family grew. Take your time, focus on what you want, school, work, painting, whatever in between that is going to make you finiancially and emotionally ready. The day these people come over and cover diapers thru college and give you unlimited babysitting for free is when they can tell you to have

Leanne - posted on 06/02/2011




I applaud your honesty. Shows how great of a mom you are. It is not selfish to understand your own limitations. Enjoy the child you have and if you decide to have another one, do so when YOU are ready.

Mel - posted on 06/01/2011




NO ony have anotehr child if you want one, otheriwise its not fair on the kid, easy for your friends to judge when they arent in your shoes. Its yours and your partners choice thats it

Candice - posted on 06/01/2011




Nope. Having another child just for your first one is a horrible idea.It's not like buying 2 cats to keep each other company. O.o

Felisha - posted on 06/01/2011




You will know when it's time for another child.Having a Baby is not like going to get a new pet.I am a Blessed Mother of 3 my Daughter is 6 boys are 3&1years old.I enjoyed having 3years with my Daughter. An enjoy all the time with the boys.You will know when You want you're little girl to have a Brother or sister.An as far as colic an all that every baby is different.

Mrs. - posted on 05/31/2011




I agree with those who said, you have a ton of time. You are super young still. Enjoy your non-colic toddler now, get the finances a bit more together, be a good mom and maybe in 4 years or might think differently. Or maybe not. Either way, you have so much time to do it.

My daughter is the same age as yours, only I had her ten years later than you and I'm still taking my time getting to the second one. I'm not quite ready yet and I've only got another 4-5 years to decided before it may not be possible anymore. If I can afford to certainly can.

Leah - posted on 05/31/2011




you have loooooots of time! you are a youngster:) and can have another if you feel like it in the next 18 years. other people's opinions of your life don't really matter are the one who has to be pregnant and raise the family!

Jane - posted on 05/31/2011




It is your body and your family. Have a second child when and if you are ready, or remain a family of three. It is no one's business but yours and your spouse's.

Personally, I enjoy the fact that I have siblings, and my kids, despite their wrangling, also enjoy having a sibling. My husband was one of four children and felt the same way, so we knew we wanted at least two kids. But that was our decision based on our desires as well as our income. We were older, though, when we started our family, so we had more financial means but less time to change our minds. You have at least 15 years in which to change your mind and go for another child.

BTW, our daughter, born first, had terrible "colic" (it turned out to be something else once we found a doctor who really wanted to understand what was happening to her). Our son, OTOH, born second, was a delightful baby. No colic, sleeping through the night early on, and so on.

No two babies are the same.

Keisha - posted on 05/31/2011




I agree with what the others said about waiting until you're ready. Tell your friends simply that it's yours and your family's decision about when to have a baby and that they really need to back off and be more respectful about it. Or, you could tell them that you heard that research suggests the best time for a woman to have a baby for her best possible health and the baby's best possible health is 27 years old, and that women should wait at least 3 years between children anyway! lol (I actually did have to learn all that long ago as part of a job, but anyway...) It's more fair for the children to have more "you" time if you wait.. And besides, when you wait longer and are a little older, you'll find yourself being an even better parent. And besides, you are extremely young! You have a LONG time to decide when to have another. The fact that you're having second and third, etc., thoughts should tell you that you're definitely NOT ready yet! :) So, there ya go. Hope that wasn't too brutal. So, knowing all this, it would really be more selfish to just go ahead and have another baby! ;-)
Oh, besides, only children do exceptionally well academically, socially, etc.. They tend to mature faster and often do better in school. Certain things may take longer (like dealing w/other kid issues), but really? It's a non-issue. Right now, it wouldn't really be fair to your daughter, you, etc.

Christy - posted on 05/31/2011




Amy, you are not being selfish, you are being smart. I can tell you from experience that having babies close together is very difficult on mom during their younger years.

You may not feel the same way a few years down the road. I know plenty of people that have had their babies four and five years apart. Then the older kids can be good helpers rather than adding so much to the chaos.

I have 4 1/2 years between child 2 and 3 and it was a nice change from the difficulty of having 1 & 2 two years apart. The other advantage to waiting is that you can enjoy each child through their stages that go so quickly during the younger years.

There's nothing wrong with having just one child. Make sure you teach her to be well mannered and well socialized so that she's not bossy or snobby to other children when she gets into school.

You are still very young. There's no rush to have another or to decide not to!

TEMEKKA - posted on 05/31/2011




no you are not if you dont think you want a new baby that is your right no one can make that for you

Kate CP - posted on 05/31/2011




You're the one who has to get pregnant, carry to term, deliver, and then care for another baby/toddler/child. If you don't want two kids don't have two kids!

Shawna - posted on 05/31/2011




No. I don't think you are being selfish at all. You should never have a second child for the benefit of the first child. You should have a second child because you want another child. My 1st child was 6 before we had our second child. I was 19 when I had my first. He was not planned. He was wonderful none the less. He was a terrific helper when his brother came along. You know what is best for your family, not other people. Good Luck in your decision making!

Gwen - posted on 05/31/2011




Nope! Not selfish at all. Anyone who tells you that making decisions in the interest of your family's health and financial well-being is wrong, should be smacked.

IMO ;-)

September - posted on 05/31/2011




Since you mention financial reasons as being part of the reasons for not wanting more, I think you're making a responsible decision to not have another one right now. Also it's important to keep in mind if you do want more children that not all babies are alike and your next may not be colicky. We only have one child right now but do want our son to have a sibling so we do plan to have more. You have to do what you feel is right from your family. Good luck! :)

Elfrieda - posted on 05/31/2011




No, you're not being selfish. I totally understand where you're coming from with the colic thing. I didn't enjoy my son's first 4 or 5 months at all. It was all horrible, and to think of doing it again makes me break out in a cold sweat. People who have "normal" babies that sleep occasionally just have no idea what it's like. I like Tiffany's idea for a comeback, just tell them that your daughter needs a playmate, and when are they going to produce one?

On the other hand, I don't like the idea of having only one child. I had always hoped for 3 or even 4! So if that's at the back of your mind, I think that you should try to sort of plan how far apart you'd like your kids to be. You're really young, so you have lots of time for babies yet. I think they say a 7 years difference between children means that they both grow up as "only" children. But there's a lot of time between 2 and 7 years. My sister and I are 3 years and 6 months apart, and have always been close. I can remember when she was born, and have always felt extremely protective of her, even though she was my playmate, too. So you still have lots of time to give your daughter a sibling she can be close to. You can afford to wait until you feel like the time is right.

It's unlikely that the next baby will have colic, since most babies don't. Even if it does, you already know some tricks of how to deal with it, and you're not going in totally unprepared like last time. Also, you know that it will pass, and eventually you will have a lovely baby that you will admire very much. I think we're kind of lucky, because for us, it just gets better as they get older!

Personally, I think children with siblings are better off than ones without, but that's really a matter of opinion. I think what matters most is that you are not making your life too overwhelming to be able to enjoy it. An only child with happy parents is way better off than one with lots of brothers and sisters with stressed-out, impatient, worried parents.

[deleted account]

My mother was just fine with having one daughter me. lol. and I had a very wonderful childhood. Don't go out and have a baby cause that's what someone else thinks. You do what's best for you and your family. I didn't have my first utill I was 25 and I thought I was done but later when I turned 30 I felt I was ready again and I am so happy with my family cause I did what I felt was best for me.

[deleted account]

I think it's neither selfish or not selfish to have one child or ten children.

I know a couple who are 40. They have a 20-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old daughter. As you can imagine, neither daughter was "planned."

Life happens!

Sandra - posted on 05/30/2011




Just do what is best for you!! Everybody will have their own advice on what they would do and have their own reasons why. I, had 3 kids in 3 years and 4 months. Why?? Because that is what I wanted for me. I also wanted 3 kids as my family immigrated here and I have no family so I wanted the 3 kids in case something happened to one the other child would still have a sibling. So if 1 is how your feeling that is all that matters. Maybe when your friends say to have another one tell them they should, seeing they are the ones bringing up the idea of more children. If they say they already have 2 say "so" the more the merrier. Maybe they will shut up then.

Janelle - posted on 05/30/2011




You are not being selfish! It is totally your choice. Two years is not that long between kids. i was 22 when my daughter was born, and 27 when my son was born, and after he was born decided I was done with that phase of my life, and some people keep asking when we will have another one, I just tell them NEVER! It's your choice!

Amy - posted on 05/30/2011




thank you all for your responses :)
its nice to know that I'm not the only one.

[deleted account]

I think your friends have a lot of nerve to dictate how many children you & your partner should have for the sole purpose of providing your daughter with a playmate! Shame on them!
I am proudly raising my son as an only child for multiple reasons. Only does NOT equate lonely. In fact, I wish there was not a horrible stigma in being an only child. There are so many positives to our family as a happy, content family of 3.

One of my deciding factors to not have any more children was the fact that I simply did not have the urge, yearning, or craving to have any more kids. How unfair would it be to pop out a kid when I didn’t have that desire? Just so my son could have someone to play with?

Embrace your only child for the moment! You may find that you are ready for another child years from now. Or, you may be happy & content as we are. There are hundreds of threads about the pros & cons of raising an only child. IMO, the pros far outweigh the cons. There is a Moms of Only Children board here on CoM, but not all that active. In the meantime, best of luck in whatever YOU and YOUR partner decide. And please tell your friends to stay out of your bedroom decisions.

Bonnie - posted on 05/30/2011




If you hate the thought of having another than I think you know what the answer is. You have to do what is best for you and your family, not just have another child for the sake of having another child. There are many families that only have one child in them.

Honestly, do what is in your heart. It is not up to everyone else. They won't raise your child or get up at night with him or her or put the food on the table for that matter.

Jaime - posted on 05/30/2011




Nope, not selfish at all. You have very valid reasons for not wanting to have another child. I actually share this feeling with you. I have one child and he had horrible colic until he was 4 months old. I'm also not financially stable and can't imagine bringing another child into the world at THIS point in time. You might feel differently in the future, but for now just stick with what you feel in your heart is right for you and your family ♥

Ashley - posted on 05/30/2011




You can have another one when you are ready.. My friends tell me all the time that its time for me to have another because my daughter needs a little brother. I tell them they are crazy and they will understand one day, since most of the ones saying it don't have kids themselves.
We want another one down the line, but we aren't financially ready, and with my job, I'm a nanny for 3 boys, there is no way we could have another one for a while but no one seems to understand that.
You are not being selfish. You'd be selfish for going ahead and doing it because you wanted to without being able to take care of your kids they way you needed to! That's the way I see it. You are being responsible realizing you aren't ready for another kid. You may change your mind in a few years. Ya never know. But you are doing the right thing not having another one if you aren't prepared for it. Many people don't plan their babies and do just fine, but you gotta do what is right for you and not your friends.

Ardi - posted on 05/30/2011




I dont think you should listen to your "friends", it´s your and your familys decision. If you feel like it in a couble of years, then do it then, if not just don´t :)

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms