Am I being Selfish????

Lauren - posted on 04/26/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend of 6 six years has an 8 year old daughter with his ex-girlfriend. She refuses to allow him to take the child to our home for visits, refuses to allow me to meet the child, refuses to meet me. We're going through the courts, but it's been a fight every step of they way. She moves, fights venue, moves again etc. In the meantime, he visits with his daughter at her house only under her supervision. I am not allowed to be included, even in holiday affairs. She has him fix her car, do home repairs, they go out to lunch and to the movies etc. I've told my boyfriend that I do not like this arrangement. I feel like they are playing family.
I realize that it's important for him to see his daughter and for now this is the way it's going to be, but I don't like it. I think it's wrong and I feel completely disrespected.

My boyfriend tells me that I'm being selfish and it's about the child. I get this, but it still don't like it. Am I being selfish?? My boyfriend tells me that others think I'm being selfish, but I think it's the mother who is being selfish. There is no reason for her to withhold the child. No drugs, not criminals, we both have well adjusted adult children etc. I don't understand what his ex girlfriends issue is with me. She has NEVER even seen me or met me???? She refuses???? What the hell???

Can't wait to get a outsider view of this situation....

Thanks!

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Michelle - posted on 04/28/2013

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The Mother also has to know that she can't dictate what happens in the Father's home.

All I can suggest is when it gets to court and he is given overnight visitation make sure she doesn't put a clause in that says anything about a girlfriend not being around.

He really needs to stand up to her and demand to see his daughter more and on his terms. She can't stop him from seeing his daughter.

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Lauren - posted on 04/27/2013

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Maybe I was unclear, but I in no way push for a position in his daughters life. I've made it clear that I don't appreciate or like that he has to visit his daughter at his ex's house, but other than that I have just sucked up my feelings for the sake of his relationship w/his daughter. I guess what really bothers me is that my boyfriend does not seem to understand that this arrangement has and does hurt my feelings. He thinks I'm selfish and immature because I'm bothered by it.

In addition, I don't understand why the child's mother can't or won't even meet me after 6 years. She recently had an issue w/her auto and I was right up the street from her and she refused my assistance. The child was not w/her at this time. I just don't get it??

Please note my boyfriend and his daughters mother were never married. They had a 2 year relationship only. This is why it's taking so long to get legal visitation. The laws in our state give fathers no rights whatsoever when the parents aren't married.

Thanks...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/26/2013

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The ex is actually correct to keep her child out of a relationship that would possibly not last.

Yes, you have been with this person for 6 years, but neither of you has felt the need to take the commitment one step further and marry. She probably doesn't want her child to get attached to someone that my not stick around. It's a common worry.

Michelle is correct in saying that this is a situation that is between your boyfriend and his ex. You don't have a position to push for contact with the child.

Plus, it's the mother's right to choose who she wants to interact with in her life. No where is it written that the ex ABSOLUTELY MUST accept and interact with the new interest in their ex partner's life. To continue to push that boundary, when it sounds like it's been clearly stated, actually does fall into the realm of selfish, in that it seems that you cannot accept that one person wishes to have no interaction with you.

If the court decision is that your boyfriend gets visitation in his home, then it is up to him to address the contact issue, either directly with his ex, or in court so that it's included in the orders

Michelle - posted on 04/26/2013

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To me it sounds like the mother is on a power trip and will get your boyfriend to do whatever she wants by holding the visitation over his head.

Your boyfriend needs to get to court and get visitation sorted out ASAP and stop bowing to the ex's every whim.

You also need to step back though. This fight is between your boyfriend and his ex, not you.

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