Am I being selfish toward my child

Sandra - posted on 02/09/2016 ( 20 moms have responded )

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Deleted..due to lack of compassion. I was not looking for support, but ways to deal with it. Some people need to learn what "Help!" means. Maybe I should have read other articles, to see responses, because if I seen the insults, verbal beating..I would have never ask here. People must insult you though, for you to think insulting is helpful!

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Ev - posted on 02/10/2016

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Sandra-You have to learn to ignore what people "think" of your or your reputation. You know the truth and they do not. They only know what they have been told by others or see when you are around. It is not the whole story. EXAMPLE: My ex husband has had two wives since me. Both were only told one side of the story and developed their ideas of me based on all that. One would have nothing to do with me and the other tried to rule over my and my ex's decision making and our visitation roster. She also tried to get me to agree to home schooling my daughter whose only reason for that was because a friend did it. She also made a big deal out of major events in my kids' lives that she should have just grinned and just been happy for them instead she made it about them. In the end, she hated me but tolerated me when events came around. She hates me. I know it. I tried to deal with it in a kind, polite way. But she would not budge in what she thought of me. As for my mother in law from my former marriage, we get on great and are friends. She had known me for 12 years and when things fumbled, yes she sided with her son; but in the end she knew better. Reputations can be held up to what they are or damaged because people think they know what is what and say it to others when it is not the truth. Sometimes a person's rep is totally bad and the truth. But I think that if you yourself know the truth, then that is the most important and to heck with the community.

Dove - posted on 02/10/2016

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You can see it as differently as you want... and I used to feel the same.. even though my ex left when our girls were 6 I told them that they would only ever have one mom and one dad... and everyone else got their own different names.

But guess what? You can't control how your children feel. They are their own people and have a right to their own feelings and decisions (as they get older). Trying to control this name situation will only seek to divide you and your daughter. So ask yourself if you would prefer a loving, healthy relationship w/ her... or you want to tear apart the relationship over her calling another woman mom?

Now... I LOVE that my daughters have another home (they stay there on weekends usually) where they are loved and comfortable.

If things in your family are really as bad as you are making it out to be... I highly recommend some serious counseling for all involved (including yourself).

Sarah - posted on 02/11/2016

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since Sandra has declared she wants no further advice; closing the thread

Jodi - posted on 02/10/2016

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"I know I have not demanded them to change for my sake, I have only acted out in tears."

As a parent, this is not really fair to them. While you have not spelled out you want them to change in so many words, your tears would have told them and could be seen as a form of emotional blackmail. You need to learn to accept what has happened, what you cannot change. You can't change the past. But you have the capacity to change how you deal with it. If you are not currently in any counselling or therapy, please seek it.

"I am not trying to be unfair to my children, I really do love them."

And I absolutely believe that. I don't believe for a moment you are TRYING to be selfish or unfair. I believe you truly love them. But you have to learn to take a step back from how you feel about things and try to put yourself in their shoes and look at their perspective in order to strengthen your relationship with them. You have lost MANY years of this relationship with them, so it's going to be hard work. Again, counselling may help with this.

Raye - posted on 02/10/2016

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Sandra, you're right. We weren't there and don't know all that you and your kids have been through. But obviously your daughter felt/feels comfortable calling your SIL "mom", so don't punish the child for the situation she was thrown into. Yes, you have a right to feel pain over the situation. Yes, you have to suck it up and try not to let the kids see your pain. Do your best for the kids. It's just a word. Kids almost always have a special place in their hearts for their biological parents, and a word is not going to change that. Your actions are what would change that. You daughter has two "mom's". Great!

I have had people confused because I'm a step-mom. My step-daughter's friend asked if she could have a sleep-over, and I said no, because we were going on vacation the next day. Then my ex-wife-in-law shows up, and hears the girl mention that Stella's "mom" said she couldn't sleep over. Well, her mom proceeded to stand over this 8 y/o girl wagging her finger at her and yelling "I'M Stella's MOM!" How unfair was that to that little girl that made a simple mistake. I'm sure it hurts for others to believe someone else is their "mom", but really you don't have to act like a crazy person because of it. If a child is lucky enough to have multiple people that care about them, then there's nothing wrong with strangers misinterpreting the relationship.

I used to call my best friend's mom "mom" for a long time. My mom never got her panties all in a bunch about it. You know the truth. Your kids know the truth. Who cares what anyone else thinks?

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Sandra - posted on 02/11/2016

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I am done with this site, I came here for help, as the group declares "If you need help!" Yet, only 3 answered with help. The rest have been stoning me, without knowing proper knowledge. My bad, for not writing the perfect article!

Sandra - posted on 02/10/2016

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I know I have not demanded them to change for my sake, I have only acted out in tears. I try to fight off those tears, but they just flow. I don't go into a screaming, sobbing out loud. Just a tear! Trust me, I don't go crazy! I do suffer from PSTD, and certain things trigger it. I am not trying to be unfair to my children, I really do love them. I thank you and Dove for being pleasant with this discussion, you two understand that I am needing help..and not stoned!

Jodi - posted on 02/10/2016

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"Yet, my reputation is just as important as yours. "

I think you missed the point. I never said your reputation wasn't important. I said it wasn't THE most important thing in this, but you are making it about that.

If people think you have slept with your brother, then that's their problem to deal with.

Your post asked if you were being selfish - and I am responding accordingly. Don't ask if you don't want to hear it.

Sandra - posted on 02/10/2016

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It may seem like that, because I can not post all entire events, but it is not all about me. Yet, my reputation is just as important as yours. Have you not seen how reputation effects a person's life, how they survive, how they are treated in a community. Relationships are tarnished! You can not tell me, that if you were in a town, and people had the thought you slept with your brother, found that disgusting..and would not have nothing to do with you, because of it..That you would be all fine and dandy about it!

Jodi - posted on 02/10/2016

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I think I am disturbed by the fact that this entire post is all about how you feel worried what people with think about YOU when your daughter is calling someone else "mom". You want people to think you weren't a bad parent, when all you are worried about in all of this is your reputation?

Dove - posted on 02/10/2016

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Which is why I recommend counseling. You need to heal from the situations you have endured (both as a child and as an adult).

Sandra - posted on 02/10/2016

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I do not tell them that they can not, because I know they are their own person. It just hurts, and I am expected to hide my feelings. I don't say a word, and try very hard to not let them know in my eyes. Yet, I am not good at being fake. I do not look at them with anger, but it overcomes me with sadness. I know they are good at observing body language, so no matter, they spot it.

Sandra - posted on 02/10/2016

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I never went away, every chance they would give me, I tried to be there. I was allowed to have contact with them about once a month. Even at times my visitations were rescheduled, to suit the states wants. I could see, about the time. I know how she wanted to feel a mom in her life, in the times when I was not around. I just see things differently in a manner of I have one mother, one dad. I may have caretakers along the way, like God has his angels. Yet, I would not call them mom or dad. My parents were highly abusive to me, and I still did not call anyone else by that name.

Sandra - posted on 02/10/2016

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The reason I was told by my children that why they would not come forth, was out of fear. My daughter did not want to wind up in some stranger's home, and my son said he did say something to the case workers, and nothing was done. Than he was told by the foster parent "You'll never be believed!" I also know from experience, that even when I was being physically abused, that when children's services came to the house. We were confronted right in front of our abuser (which we were already shown how dark their spirits were, the abuser), so out of fear..because I asked "If this person was, would we be taken out right away?" Their reply was "No, we would have to investigate it first!" So out of fear of this person hurting us worse, because our lives had been threatened, we said "No!" On top of that, we did not know what all was considered abuse. I would have surely spoken up. So please don't say it would have been exposed, and the kids taken out of there. I spent too many years, getting to know children's services in many ways. As I am a person that is a visual spatial, I got to learn what children's services are all about. They got kid's coming out of their care, telling some pretty horrible things that happened to them, and even declaring it's jail like environment! My son when I got him back, did not even know how to change a light bulb, and he is not handicap. They were refusing to give him a driver's license, because of their fear, that he might run away! Now why would he run away from such a good environment? It was children's services that did not even recognize, that my son was being overdosed on anti depressants! You you can say how great their services are, but you'll never convince me!

Dove - posted on 02/10/2016

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If they were not w/ you for 12 years... it makes perfect sense that your daughter would think of someone else as 'mom'. My daughters have lived w/ me the entire 14 years of their life and they still refer to their best friend's mom as mom.

If it took 12 years to prove your innocence... either you live w/ a VERY corrupt system or there was merit to their cause to remove your children.

Sandra - posted on 02/10/2016

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Well I guess I deserve what you said, because you know very little detail of the situation. Since I put myself out there this far, I might as well jump completely into the frying pan. The kids were taken out of greed! I did not know that I was in a family of Narcissist, that because I was no longer going along with their criminal lives. Decided to steal a payroll check from me, and file false allegations to children's services. Do I blame the state? "Yes" They did not investigate everything! Case workers even agreed there was something wrong, especially after my mother called them up, and told them that if they did not make me pay $10,000.00, that they needed to take my kids, and put them in foster care. Than when there was physical/sexual abuse going on in the homes they were placed in, it was reported, and nothing was done. Yet, I was guilty of being a low income single mother. Was I on welfare, only partially, I was a working mother..with no drug, or alcohol issues. They only reason I got my child back, after 12 years, was because I started keeping records, and caught them in their deceit, and I promised not to sue them! I just wanted my kids back! Oh yeah, to boot, I have talked to ex case workers, and foster parents, and they even said how crooked children's services are. That they target single moms, and the more they can be diagnosed with things, the more the care providers get monthly (coming from officials, not general public knowledge). To boot, with your comment about not taking steps. I was told, I was one of their most cooperative clients. So you see, I was working with them in a proper manner. One case worker even said "We made a mistake on giving you information that would have help you, but the dead line is over!" Day after it expired!

Sarah - posted on 02/10/2016

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DCFS/CPS does not place children and then step out of their lives. If your brother and SIL were drinking and not caring for the kids, the kids would have been pulled from the home. One of your kids is old enough to parent, so how old is she? How many kids do you have, when and why were they removed and how old were they at the time?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/10/2016

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Evelyn stated it very well.

1) The state does not kidnap children. They remove them from potentially hazardous or neglectful situations.

2) Your daughter called the female figure raising her "mom". Very common. Her biological mother was not around. If it took 12 "hellish" years to regain custody, then I'd have to say that someone was not complying with steps needed to get her kids back.

3) Your children were very fortunate that family was able to step in.

Sandra - posted on 02/10/2016

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I do appreciate that my brother and sister in law did this, but even my daughter recently admitted that all they did while she was in their custody, was drink, and lock their selves in the bedroom...letting the kids take care of their own self. More than a few of their kids, have tried suicide, because of situations in the home. The only reason my brother took her in, was for the money from the state, no other reason. I might be called selfish for letting it bother me, that my children call someone else mom, but I see being called mom is sacred. That is okay though, we will see how God feels about it on judgment day, I believe he is going through the same thing!

Ev - posted on 02/09/2016

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"My children were taken from me, by the state. I had my kids stolen from me, not given away. The only thing I was truly guilty of, was not having enough proof of my innocence. They did not have any proof either, of me being a bad parent, just their word against mine. Even though I was trying to stay in my kid's life, as much as the state would allow, I stayed involved. Even won my children back from the state after 12 hellish years."---Usually, the state takes the kids BECAUSE there is a reason for doing so whether it is abuse, abandonment, drug abuse or alcohol abuse by parent making them unable to care for kids, and neglect. You did not state in your OP what it was that they accused you of doing nor not doing for the kids. The State does not steal kids away from parents.
" My brother helped raise my daughter, and my daughter calls my sister in law mom. Now I understand about letting a child have choice on who they call mom, but this really bothers me. I already have been confronted with situations, that to me was quite embarrassing, because of it. There was one time, when shopping at the sister in laws work, with my daughter and sister in law. That the cashier asked my daughter "Do you want this on your mother's account?" It took me by surprise, as I did not even know that she was calling my sister in law "mom". I replied "I do not have an account!"" --So for twelve years your daughter (I am assuming was young when you lost her) called your SIL mom because she was the only mother figure she knew at the time. SIL became mom to her because you were not able to be there to do the stuff moms do for their kids. I would not take it so hard. At least your child was with family to care for her when she could have been with strangers. Also if she was young when this happened, she would naturally call any woman mom being so little. I think you are over doing this.
"Than the truth was told to me outside the store! Here is also why I have issues about it, she is married to my twin brother..this whole thing to me, makes it sound as if I had a sexual relationship with my brother (Did not happen!)..So, should I be upset? Because other people think I did have incest! Should I be upset,"--If people are willing to think that then that is on them. Just tell them your brother and his wife cared for your child while you were not around.
" that I feel that being a mother has been stolen from me."--Being a mother was not stolen from you. You said that you lost your kids for some reason the state thought it necessary to take them. So if you did something, you made some sort of choices that caused this.
" My daughter is angry at me, for being upset, and tells me "It has nothing to do with you, you have no right to be upset!""--Your daughter is right. You have no room to be upset she calls another mom because that woman was there to care for her when you were not. Be glad you had this chance for family to care for your child.
" I gave birth to these children, how could it be that it has nothing to do with me! I was even told,"--It has nothing to do with you even though you had the kids. She is right in that. She calls someone mom because she felt a close connection to that person. You need to stop being angry and start to work on having some kind of relationship with your daughter now. Quite dwelling on the past and things you had no control over.
" after hearing how someone that was watching my grandson that was 2, got drunk and fell asleep while watching him.."Don't be upset about it, as it does not concern you!" How does it not concern me? My grandson, was put in harms way, of course I would be upset..Am I crossing boundaries, by caring? So tormented, so looking for help!"--I would have spoken up about my grandchild if they were in danger. You can be upset on this point.

As for being upset about someone else being called mom because they chose to go ahead and help raise your child is not good. They did not have to do it. You should be grateful for that. Your brother and his wife took your girl in so she did not have to be raised by strangers for 12 years or more. As for people not knowing you were her bio mom, that is because no one thought it was their business to know. I think you over reacted there too. And lastly, if you feel that the state did you wrong, take it up with the state.

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