am i being stupid?

Sarah - posted on 11/29/2009 ( 53 moms have responded )

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I have 6month old twins and im at home with them all the time. My husband works but am i being stupid to ask him to look after the kids for an hour after he finishes work so i can get a bit of 'me' time?

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Rehana - posted on 07/11/2011

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My twin boys are four and half years old and totally understand what you are going through. I also have a eight year old daughter and it was tough trying to look for time for me. I think you are not wrong in asking for me time because you need it. Its two time 4 -6 feedings, nappies times two, bath times two etc etc. I always felt quiet alone as I used to crave adult conversation but couldn't do it as I slept when the kids slept and woke when the kids woke-up to catch-up with sleep. When hubby used to get home he used to just take a look at me and knew I was ready to scream lol... I would let him chill for about and hour and then left the kids with him to go out of the house just to visit mum or my sister. I think the aim was to get out of the house to get a bit of respite. Sometimes, it was the only chance I got to have a shower! I think you need to discuss it with him and say you have a day off and then say you do something for yourself in the morning and i'll do something in the afternoon. Hang in there, being a mum of twins is the most rewarding and the most tiring chore ever. Even though its been tough 4 years I don't think I would trade it for anything as you feel personal pride as well as pride in your children because they have got this far due to the hard work you have put in...

Ashley - posted on 12/03/2009

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We also have twins. They are now 15 weeks old. Not only that, we have a 3 1/2 yr old & a 2 yr old. All of which I stay at home with:) I feel your pain! lol. This is something we battle with in our house. It's something my husband & I have had to talk about over & over again. He thinks I don't understand his job and him working all day and needing a break when he gets home & vice versa. It's hard. Sometimes I feel like I am a single parent. It's hard to get things I need from the store, going to the drs, etc. Needless to say, I don't go to the store anymore with my kids. It's just not working out. I have tried and everytime I end up in tears. So we are working things out to where I let him wind down and ask if it's a good time for me to go. NOT in a permission way but in a respect way. This way he is in a better mood also to spend time with the kids and he enjoys the time with the kids instead of being in a bad mood because I dart out the door as soon as he gets home. Anyway, I hope this helps. I will be praying for you.

Magurite - posted on 12/03/2009

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You have to very tactful with this. Let him come and relax for a bit first. After his meal or snack, you may suggest that he spend a bit of time with the twins to get to know them more. You may not want to do this everyday but twice or three times per week seems resonable. If you need you time on a regular basis you may need to ask a family member or good friend to stay with your angels for an hour or two while you go out with your husband or be by yourself. I hope this works.

Amy - posted on 12/02/2009

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No you are not stupid, twins are draining. My twins at six month didi nothing , but cry. You may want to wait a little while affter work to give him time to switch modes. Being a stay at home mom can be just a stressful as working. Stay at home parents never get to go home. They sleep at their jobs. Just remind him that some time will make you a better mom and a happier wife.

Polly - posted on 12/02/2009

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No you are not stupid, my husband and i are having the same disagreement right now actually. .I am a stay at home mom, my husband comes home from work and plays with our son, and when it comes to everything else, its back to me. I wake up with baby, i put baby to sleep, my husband does help out alot but he doesnt realize i need a little break in the evening times some days.

Angie - posted on 12/02/2009

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My husband has never had to be asked, I am so blessed. We all need time to ourselves, and you especially because you have twins. Just let your husband know that you would like some time to yourself and hop into the bathtub with a good book and lock the door behind you. If the babies cry, turn on some music.

Amanda - posted on 12/02/2009

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Of course not! With the cost of childcare for 2 children, you are practically saving money by you staying home with them. Being a mom is a full time job too. Plus, he needs bonding time with the babies too! he should take advantage of that for that hour during the day!

Kendra - posted on 12/02/2009

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I should I say I'm very fortunate to have a husband that LOVES to help out with the kids! He's full time student at college after losing his job now, but even when he was working, when he got home, he relaxed a little and usually intereacted with my son. Now we have a newborn in the house as well. He's very good at helping out, in fact, he's the "clean freak" around the house too. I can't complain because he's a great father and does above and beyond what most dads do. So I don't see what the issue is with men helping out more. If my hubby can do it, so can the other men. I think a lot of men look at it as its the 'womans' job to take care of the kids and think that we don't deserve 'time to themselves'... we've been home all day and they think that we've had time to ourselves. I don't think they realize how much work it really is to keep after kids. My husband has had the opportunity to see that its not all play! But in the same sense, I've never pushed my kids right off to my husband as he's walking in the door unless I'm heading off for an appointment or something and he knew about it ahead of time. Even if its not daily you get that hour to yourself, make it a once a week thing that you get away for a few hours. I don't always get my 'me' time every day and most of the time, its at night when the kids are already in bed and both of us kind of go our separate ways doing our own thing. Good luck! :-)

Melissa - posted on 12/02/2009

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Him working every day is something he would be doing whether he had kids or not (i hope) so upon having children he took on ANOTHER job on top of the one he already had. It is not yours to deal with alone. You need/deserve time to yourself not only for your own sanity, but for the health of your family. If mommy feels overwhelmed and unhappy, your kids will sense it sooner or later. Like the other mothers said, give him some time to unwind when he gets home to watch a show or something, but then do not hesitate to ask him to watch the kids or help you for a bit. They are his responsibility too and he should WANT to help out and spend time with them. Unfortunately, I am going through the same thing as you right now with my husband not helping out as much as I would like... (my son is almost 2 and he's never even given him a bath). It's really sad, but slowly he seems to be getting better. We just need to get them into the routine NOW before they become too comfortable with not helping out because when the little ones get older they will wear you out even more. I wish you the best of luck.

C. - posted on 12/02/2009

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No, it's not stupid of you to ask.. I would let him wind down for an hour or so after he got home and then ask.. Trust me, it will create less tension between the two of you if you do that. Yes, you are home all day with your children, but he also deals with tons of stress at work and the stress of commuting back and forth. Guys think all of us stay at home moms just sit around eating bon-bons all the time anyway. But I would give him an hour to wind down before passing the babies off to him. If you do it that way he will probably be WILLING to give you an hour or so to yourself. If all you do is pass them off to him as soon as he enters the house, he's probably going to think you don't care about how his day was at all and all you think about is your time and where is his time.. See where I'm getting at?

Iysha - posted on 12/02/2009

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Ha Ha! that reminds me of a commercial I saw recently...the one where the mother is talking to her son and daughter while they sit at the kitchen table coloring. She looks back at the clocka dn throws flour everywhere and spills things. When her husband gets home, she says, "I just need one hour." and goes to watch football on a park bench with her little hand held TV.

I work full time and my Fiance goes to school half a day. When I get home, I like to take over...maybe your husband might too. I know when I was at home with my daughter, Kylie, her dad was happy to take her while I did whatever. I think It's all in the way you bring it up. Just ask him if it would be ok if he looked after the kids for an hour while you take a bath, work on a scrapbook, whatever. Don't make it at a time the kids need to eat or anything...just let him know that you feel a bit overwhelmed being with babies all day and need some time to take for yourself. The whole, "They're your kids too!" thing is a little pushy and demanding. It makes it sound like you don't think he wants to be around his babies. Just a little, "Hey, this is how I'm feeling...can you help me by taking the kids for an hour?" should work fine.

Sashell - posted on 12/02/2009

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Not at all. When he comes through the door don't just dump the kids in his arms and set off for a nice bubble bath. Let him get settled and then ask if he will take over so you can get some things done, or take a shower lol. You deserve it. Whether he realizes it or not you too have a full time job!

Maria - posted on 12/02/2009

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no not at all, ive got 9 month old twins and im the same as you, only ive 2 older kids as well, so i know its hard work.
i always say i need my hour me time and i get it 7-8pm for emmerdale and corri lol

Harley - posted on 12/01/2009

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all moms need their time. It doesnt hurt to ask him. simply ask him hey if your not too tired from work would you mind taking care of the kids so i can get some stuff done or me time or whatever. I wouldnt just expect because that can aggrivate him or make him feel that him working is unappreciated. Just ask him the worst he can do is say no. dont get angry if he does. as frustrating as it is becasue you have been at home with them aaaalll day..hes been at work all day so even on some days ask him to keep one while you take off with the other...makes things easier to just have one even at that. adjusting to having 2 kids to take with you everywhere or to take care of all day can be hard and make sure he knows that you appreciate his assistance and that he knows you care about him. appreciation can go a loooonnnnggg way. :) good luck

Tracy - posted on 12/01/2009

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ABSOLUTLY NOT! YOU DESERVE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF! BEING A MOTHER IS A FULL TIME JOB AS WELL! EXSPECIALLY WITH TWINS! GOD BLESS YOU! NO YOU ARE NOT BEING STUPID TO ASK FOR SOME TIME OF FOR YOURSELF! EVERY MOTHER NEEDS THAT! TRACY

LaShana - posted on 12/01/2009

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No, I think after a whole day you deserve some me time trust I understand. I don't have twins but my middle children are real close. Now they are 12, 11, and 9 oh how I wished for some "me time". Once you get a break I think you will be able to appreciate your bond even more. Good Luck!

Shannon - posted on 12/01/2009

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not at all! every mom will tell you that you need at least a half an hour of you time a day. whether that means taking an uninterrupted shower or going out with the girls.

Sharleen - posted on 11/30/2009

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no that is what he is there for to help!!!!! but you also need to have time for the two off you as well..

Sinai - posted on 11/29/2009

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You are stupid if you think it is a bad thing to ask your other half for help! That is what they are there for...to make you happy and help you with your needs. I am pretty much a single mom and never get time to myself. If you have someone that is willing to help TAKE IT!!! It's not being stupid, it's just taking a break from stress! (please don't get offended by my answer)

Renae - posted on 11/29/2009

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Thanks Brandi, I expected to get jumped on for my old-fashioned comment. :)

Joan - posted on 11/29/2009

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no you are not being stupid. i always told my husband he didn't know how lucky he was because he got to go to work and get the entitlments that come with that, like lunch,bathroom breaks and coffee breaks. has your husband ever spent a day alone with the babies? if not i suggest you set it up. he may understand you much better after the experience.

joan

Dlei - posted on 11/29/2009

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It isn't stupid for you to ask him for some "me time". We all need it even he needs it at times. I am a stay at home mom too & I still need "me time" even though my kids are 9, 12, 15 & 17. I have always looked at the hubby that works that he gets "his time" to himself everyday that he works. He gets to drive to work - which is away from home & the kiddos, he gets time with others for "adult" conversations & he gets to have a peaceful drive home. We as stay at home mommies don't get that. So no it isn't stupid that you ask for that time to yourself. Good luck!

Brandi - posted on 11/29/2009

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Quoting Renae:

I don't throw our baby at my husband when he comes home. I was once at a friends house and heard her husband who had just come home muttering to himself "now the night shift starts and I just finished day shift". Men can feel like all they do is work, at work and at home. My husband will have our baby for a little while in the evening but that is so they get some time together each day. My time comes when baby goes to bed. I know a lot of people will disagree with me, and yes I work too (at home), but I don't work nearly as hard looking after a baby as my husband does at his paid work. I will have my time back when our baby is older. In the grand scheme of a lifetime they aren't babies and toddlers for very long. But that's just me.


Well said. I try not to do that to my husband either. I get a lot more downtime than he does in a day as I have the kids on a nice schedule which allows me a few hours of peace and quiet everyday (almost). So when my husband comes home, I try to make sure he gets supper and some PLAYTIME with the kids. They miss him while he's at work. After the kids go down for bed, there is plenty of time before I need to go to bed (again due to a very particular schedule which gets the kids to bed by 8). :-)))

Brandi - posted on 11/29/2009

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It should be a team effort to raise kids. HOWEVER, I would suggest that instead of right as he walks through the door, you hang in there for just a little while longer. Let your husband settle in to the routine of the evening and shift gears a little. Imagine how you might feel if the roles were reversed. You get home from a long day of whatever job your husband does; then before you even so much as sit down and relax for a minute, you are asked to pop right into "parent mode." As a stay at home mom, you are already in that mode when your husband gets home from work. Give him a little while (maybe as long as it takes to have dinner or a half hour to watch s.th on tv that he likes) then say "Now that you're settled in and relaxed, I need to grab a bath, or take a walk, or whatever YOU like to do to wind down" Then bedtime can be a team effort. that is usually how my husband and I work through that. He gets home from work (around 5:30) I either have dinner ready or on the stove finishing up and we sit together and have supper. I usually then take care of bathtime (he dresses our youngest when he's done while I finish up with our oldest) then we relax together as a family, then bedtime for the kids and I get on the computer or go to the store whatever I feel like i want or need to do. I understand that my kids are older (1 and 3), but something similar to this may work for you and your family. You need some time as much as he does, and with two kids it's not always easy. Try to be understanding of EACH OTHER'S needs and work together.

Erica - posted on 11/29/2009

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being a mom is a full time job in its own so no its not stupid at all to ask him to take over for a while. it helps your sanity and gives him time to bond with babies.

Renae - posted on 11/29/2009

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I don't throw our baby at my husband when he comes home. I was once at a friends house and heard her husband who had just come home muttering to himself "now the night shift starts and I just finished day shift". Men can feel like all they do is work, at work and at home. My husband will have our baby for a little while in the evening but that is so they get some time together each day. My time comes when baby goes to bed. I know a lot of people will disagree with me, and yes I work too (at home), but I don't work nearly as hard looking after a baby as my husband does at his paid work. I will have my time back when our baby is older. In the grand scheme of a lifetime they aren't babies and toddlers for very long. But that's just me.

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My husband was often given night time duty so that I could get an hour or so to myself. You need to do it or you will stress yourself out too much. Me time is essential to maintaining your sanity and patience.

Rebecca - posted on 11/29/2009

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Are you stupid?? NO...you are fi you don't ask! LOL, JK

No really you should eb getting at least an hour to yourself every night. He should be offering even. No that our second child is born i find i have more time to myself as i am now home with both kids all the day and he understands that more now. I go to the gym 3 nights a week and it's my me time:) I wait until the kids are in bed mind you but i still find getting out of the house a few nights a week help me destress for the next day.

Linda - posted on 11/29/2009

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You should not even have to ask...he should just do it!
But since he isn't asking you then ask him...every day one hour a day is the least he can give you.

Shonda - posted on 11/29/2009

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Absolutely not! What would be stupid is him telling you no. Plus it could be a great bonding time for him and the babies.

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no - maybe work it so that he gets an hour him tim when h walks through the door and then he gives you an hour you time each evening too?

Nicole - posted on 11/29/2009

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no i think that he owes u a little you time i'm pretty sure taking care of twins by your self is harder than his job

Nikki - posted on 11/29/2009

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no! definitley not! a lot of men think staying at home with the kids is the easy option and dont realise how bloody hard it is!! next time hes home for the whole day say a saturday arrange a day out with a girlfriend or something but make sure hes left in charge i guarantee he'll never question ur need for me time ever again!

Laurel - posted on 11/29/2009

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It is so strange that people believe that watching after children, especially your own, is not a job. It is the hardest job we'll ever take on. Unlike his job, your job doesn't have a set time that you are required to work. I take that back. The hours are 24hrs/7days a week/365days a year. He absolutely needs to take them for AT LEAST an hour, though i would give him a short amt of unwind time from work. I think you should have a day off as well. Have him take them to visit family or the park. As my friend says, "I didn't lay down by myself to make them so I shouldn't be the one ALWAYS responsible for taking care of them."

Susan - posted on 11/29/2009

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not at all he should spend time with them to bond and play my partner comes home every afternoon and the 1st thing he does is play with his son our baby boy looks forward to it now

Tara - posted on 11/29/2009

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No, definitely not. Everyone needs some down time, and you don't do anyone any good if you are too exhausted/unhappy.

Jessica - posted on 11/29/2009

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Awe! Im so sorry! If that was my hubby that did that to me I would just leave the house for a while and drive around or go for a walk or something once he takes over that way he can't bother u while its u time. He needs to understand u didn't have both kids by yourself. I hope u get more than 10-20 mins soon! Good luck

Ashley - posted on 11/29/2009

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not at all!!! dad should help out mom when he gets home from work, staying home with my son who is almsot 6 months is trying enough, i can only imagine twins! you are deffinetly not asking to much, being a stay at home mom is alot of work. i think they imagine us sitting on the couch eating bon bons all day...sitting on the couch...it's more like " what is sitting on the couch!" i also do school online full time so i never relax between baby and school work during the day, school during naps and bab the rest of the time!

Sharon - posted on 11/29/2009

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Hell no you aren't being stupid. Start stuffing dirty diapers in his briefcase and rub a noxious one on his bed pillow before making up the couch for him.



I once went to my husbands' work and stuffed a STINKY dirty diaper in his filing cabinet. It took him 2 days to find it.

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My husband and I have an understanding, that if I am in the shower, unless is it life and death don't come in, so when I need a break I go and have a long shower and relax.

Sarah - posted on 11/29/2009

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When my hubby comes in from work i do let him do his own thing so that he can relax as i know how hard it is to work and come home to kids (i just gave up my job to look after them full time). I have talked to my hubby about when i could get my 'me' time but there is always something that comes up when i have my 'me' time, like the kids are due for a feed ( he thinks he cant feed them both at the same time but i do reasure him he can and he has done it before) or he cant cope with them both crying at the same time. As i hate to hear my little puddings cry i give my hubby a hand to try and calm them down but as soon as get them calm my hubby takes off and leaves it to me again even tho i have had 10-20 mins to myself. When i do get my hour of 'me' time my husband expects something in return i.e. i looked after the kids for an hour so can i go out with friends (this is after he has had his chill out time. Thanks for the comments and hope this helps to understand the situation more xx

Lula - posted on 11/29/2009

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No and he needs that time with them too. My fiancee had issues at first spending time with our daughter and once he started spending time with her their relationship bloomed so much. You should talk about it together and decide somewhat of a routine tho. I know now that I'm the only one working, its tiring to come home and not have time to relax, but an hour is not bad at all. I normally come home and its constant running around until 8 when she goes to bed. So I agree with the post that says talk to him and figure out what works for you guys best. Hopefully, he's open and supporting! Good luck

Jamie - posted on 11/29/2009

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Absolutely not! I was a stay at home for 9 years and love them dearly, BUT you need "me" time too. It's the most rewarding job you can have to stay with your kiddos, but it's hard. There is nothing wrong with having a night to yourself, a night out with the girls, or just a long bubble bath with no interruption. Talk to your hubby about it. Don't give up on "you".

Crystal - posted on 11/29/2009

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talk it out with your hubby, but id say do an hour or so everynight, even if you have the kids alseep, and let him know that if they wake its his turn. not to hard. but i agree he needs time to unwind after work also. us moms do alot of things dads dont even notice. and then maybe talk it out with him that maybe 1 day outa every month (one of his days off) you get the day off :-) do you can go out with friends without the babys. or even time to go shopping or whatever.

Stacy - posted on 11/29/2009

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I can understand what everyone else said about him working but after he takes a little break from workiing you should be able to ask him to take over looking after them after all they are his kids to and you look after them all the time while he's at work its just understandable that when he's home you guys should take turns you didn't make them youself so you shouldn't have to look after them yourself. You really need to have a talk with him and tell him that.

User - posted on 11/29/2009

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Absolutely not, I also have twins they are 2 now and to be honest I was lucky because my partner did give me me time most evenings, It is really overwhelming sometimes with twins especially at six months it's a tough time. All mothers need a break it's not only good for you but good for your children. Whilst I was still off from work I put my children in a nursery for 1 afternoon a week, I think it did them alot of good and also gave me a chance to get any bits I needed to do done or even catch up with a friend, don't feel guilty to need a little time out.

Ricky - posted on 11/29/2009

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its not stupid. I let my boyfriend unwind when he comes home, when hes relaxed he watches him for a bit while i go have me time for a bit. so just let your hubby unwind then he can take over when he is calm so you can have me time.

Jessica - posted on 11/29/2009

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I agree with everyone else....you are not being stupid! You need to have a little time for you. I also agree that maybe when your husband gets home he wants to unwind first before taking over. Every mother needs a break. I couldn't imagine having 2 little ones to take care of at the same time. Hope everything goes well for you!

Kari - posted on 11/29/2009

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For your sanity, you definitely need alone time. It is not stupid at all for you to expect your husband to help with the kids he helped create.

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