Am I being unreasonable?

Angela - posted on 01/30/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My baby's father is nasty to me if he is woken up in the middle of the night.
He regularly threatens me that if he is woken in the middle of the night, he will permanently leave me and my children.

I get severe insomnia/anxiety in the middle of the night due to other issues revolving the relationship and past things he has done to me that cause me to be severely anxious.
.
I often wake at 1-3:00 a.m. with panic attacks or nightmares.

Sometimes I feel like I need a hug or some support or reassurance because my self esteem hurts from all the bad things he has said to me and done to me during/after my pregnancy.

He says that it is not his responsibility to make me happy (I know that it's not, but that doesn't change the things he did or said to hurt me).

If I try to get support from him, it erupts into extreme personal attacks to my core. Last time, he went so far as to walk out the door at 5a.m.

I don't want to leave because I don't want to split up my 4 month old baby and I already share custody with 2 older children.

I take sleeping pills to get to sleep.
I wake up then take anti-anxiety medication just to get through the night.

Yesterday he was on a tirade again and threatened again that if my problems interrupt his sleep, he will leave us.

Last night, I slept in my daughter's room in the middle of the night.
I am terrified to even get in bed with him at this point due his threat.
I woke up at 1 a.m. and just cried.

He used to comfort me.
It hurts deeply that he won't hold me at night, won't make love to me in the morning like he used to. Due to his requests that I not cuddle him at night, not wake him at night, and not initiate lovemaking in the morning, I don't want to be intimate with him anymore.

I am feeling less and less love for him, knowing he will not support me.

He says no man would stay with me if I had insomnia and woke them up too.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/30/2013

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NON of your reasons are validation to stay. Not one of them. You already have an apartment to escape to, that is not normal. Finish it off.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/30/2013

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You need to leave him. I don't understand why you would stay. For your daughters sake? That doesn't make much sense. For your daughters sake and your sake leave. You are in an abusive relationship. What your daughter will learn from this if you stay, is how she thinks she should be treated by a partner. You are both living like hostages in your home.

Liz - posted on 01/30/2013

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If you don't want to leave him when you have both financial security and somewhere to go, then you need to ask yourself if you're happy to settle for being belittled for the rest of your life. You feel unhappy, stressed and ground down now - imagine how much worse you'll feel if you let this continue for another six months or a year...or five.

Meanwhile your children are learning the patterns of adult social interaction from what they see of you. If nothing else, this should frighten the pants off you. Do you really want kids who think that this treatment of a woman is acceptable and normal? It isn't. Not for you, not for them and not for the families which they will form one day in the future.

Yes, it's hard to leave a partner. It was hard enough for me to do when I realised I'd made a huge mistake only 9 months into my first marriage and there weren't even any kids in the mix at that point. I do have sympathy for you. Unfortunately, the only person who can really change your situation now is you...and you already have what you need to do it.

Lakota - posted on 01/30/2013

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I say wake him up so he will leave. Sick, sorry excuse for a man. If you don't want him to leave for you, then you should want him to leave for the kids sake.

[deleted account]

Isn't it costing you more pain and exhaustion by not only caring for 2 small children but also for a grown man-size infant? He does nothing, he gives you nothing, he gives his children a house that it filled with resentment, lonliness and abuse. That was why I left my 2nd husband 4 years ago. He made life so miserable with his constant complaining. I wasn't lucky as you though. I had NO place to go. I was only able to get an apartment by taking a loan on my 401K.

You have the benefit of having another living space. Yes, it takes time and energy to move. I know this very very well. I have moved several times since my first husband left me in 1997. I moved then with a 6 month old baby.

It is vital (IMO) that you do not have sex with him unless you are using birth control. Adding another baby right now either with him or anyone else is going to push you further behind.

It is a lonely road to hoe (been there/done that twice over) but you can make it on your own if you want to. It may not be easy but nothing worth doing is.

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Angela - posted on 01/30/2013

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Currently I do have a job and other apartments that I can take the children to
(because of the ongoing issues).
He is angry that I have the other places for my own protection.

But I don't want to leave due to:
It's hard to handle all of the children by myself (I am simply exhausted).
No family or friends around to help me.
My own mom bailed on us.
I tried to hire a mommy helper, but couldn't even find one of those.
I get very overwhelmed by myself trying to keep up with everything
and then I just break down and cry.

He says he will help every way with the baby.
But not at all with my needs.
I believe he is just with me for her.
Says if I loved him, I would let him sleep.
Me waking him up means I don't love him or care about his needs per him.

He always threatens he will leave if I do x/y/z,
He says he is not getting enough "him" time (believe me, I don't even want him around me hardly at all anymore, except that the apartment is so small, I can't get out of his way if I wanted to! I am too exhausted with the children and work to want to go places after work just to get out of his way.
Also, his computer and TV is in our bedroom, so I can't even go to sleep without being in his vicinity because he is on them all the time).

He went so far as to complain that it upsets him when I fall asleep on the couch because he can't 'stretch out' and watch TV 'like when he was single'.

So I resorted to the children's bedroom (essentially the only room in the house where I won't 'bump' into him or make him feel I am intruding on his stupid computer habits.

Last night I recommended I go live in my other apartment
so we could see each other less
(he stated he was happier pre-baby because I only visited him 3 times per week and he kept weekends to himself, so I assumed that would make him happy since he is complaining all the time).
He said he doesn't want me to stay at the other apartment.

When I ask why, he says I will just move on and find someone else and his kid will call someone else daddy (and yes, that will happen - At some point I thought it never would because I loved him so much, but him no longer allowing the hugs/cuddling at night/making love in the morning has seriously turned me off him much more than any of the other nastiness he has done to me).

I made decision to leave my other childrens' father and it made my life extremely hard (I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy).

I don't have the energy, money, desire for another custody battle.
Don't have the emotional or mental capacity to go through all the court and fighting.

He has the capability to be a great man and great provider (I see it for 6 weeks at a time, and then he lapses back into being selfish, mean and nasty).

Liz - posted on 01/30/2013

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You're not being unreasonable; you are the victim of emotional abuse. This is not less serious than physical abuse just because he has not laid a hand on you. This kind of treatment is unacceptable and you are worth more than this.

If I were in your shoes, I would be exploring my options for other places to go and I would be doing it with urgency, especially if he will not accompany you to any form of couple's therapy (which I seem to recall from a previous thread that you stated he will not do).

Hugs. You really are worth more than this guy, who is being a monumental jerk.

[deleted account]

Why are you allowing him to treat you like crap? I don't understand your reason to stay. You have 2 small children and you have a man who does nothing for you. He does not love you. If he did, he wouldn't treat you with such a cavalier and/or threatening manner.

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