Am I crazy that I expect to be able to call my child 1x a day when she is visiting her dad/stepmom? I have had this arrangement for 13 years and the SM suddenly has an issue with it . I allow her dad to call daily and speak to our daughter as long as he wants sometimes for hours. I'm asking to be able to simply say goodnight to my child. It's like a game is being played they are on vacation and 5 days have gone by and I am going crazy now with worry. I have called my daughters phone which I pay for and both her dads and SM, to no avail. My daughter is in the middle and it is upsetting her! I'm so angry and hurt!

13 Comments

View replies by

Laura - posted on 08/27/2012

29

6

1

I dont think it is that extreme. When my kids are with their dad for the summer vacation, I only call once or twice to see how things are. If they dont answer, I just leave a message and ask for them to call me when they can. Kids get busy, if they are out and about, chances are they don't want to answer the phone. Don' t take it personally, its just the way it is. Do not worry

Laura - posted on 08/27/2012

29

6

1

If the child is visiting on the weekend, it can become problematic for the child if you are always calling. The child can develop guilt seeing that you are lonely without her. Its different for the non custodial parent to call frequently as that parent does not have the one on one as you do. This allows the father to stay involved with the child. I do not call my children when they are with their dad unless I really have to tell them something important such as a change in their sport schedule etc... I let my ex call my kids whenever, but he never does. He rarely sees them anymore for the last few years. You are lucky your ex wants to stay involved. Back off the daily calls when your child is with him. You get the child a majority of the time and you can catch up when you pick up the child. It s not fair to the dad nor the child. Im a mom of 3 and mom of 3 stepchildren as well. I get both sides of the issues here. lol. Good luck.. Oh, the being gone for 5 days is different, she should call you a couple of times that week to let you know all is well.

Kelina - posted on 07/28/2012

2,018

9

235

No I don't think it's unreasonable, especially if you can call her cell phone and she can say we're kinda busy or something or if you just want to say goodnight. When are they supposed to be back? and where are they?

Sarah - posted on 07/28/2012

1,258

14

164

I think every day is a bit excessive and impedes on their time with her if they have to arrange their day around her phone call to you. I also think expecting them to stop whatever they're doing on vacation so you can talk to her is unrealistic. Maybe they are somewhere where there is no cell reception (like camping). I think you need to trust that she's with her father and he's going to care for her appropriately as a father should.

Angela - posted on 07/28/2012

2,457

9

322

Just wanted to add that regardless of the circumstances of your daughter's birth and whether her father was already married to this woman at the time, they have NO RIGHT to curtail your phone contact with the child when she's with them. You are absolutely right to be concerned.

Please get some legal advice. Chaya has given good counsel but I suspect from what she is saying she may be British like me. I think you're in the USA? And the law on stuff like this varies from State to State?

You need to do something though.

Chaya - posted on 07/27/2012

737

0

229

Maybe you should tell dad that next time you call and she doesn't answer her phone, he will loose all visitation until she's 18, then she can choose to see him or not.
Wish I had thought of having you call the police.
If you know a social worker, reguardless of wether they work with children, explain the problem to them, if they don't work with children, chances are they know someone who does. Then you'll get the information from someone who knows if this is legal.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/27/2012

13,264

21

2015

You need to talk to your ex and his wife NOW. As soon as you get your baby back, they get to sit down and explain her actions. His wife needs to explain her exact reasons for locking the phone away, as it is not her right to do so, nor is it your ex's. You and he have an agreement on communication.

I'd be leaning towards investigation for abuse, personally. A controlling, abusive person first gains the trust of their victim (your daughter) Second, starts cutting off contact from family and friends (locking up the phone and not allowing her contact with you).

So, what deviant behaviour is that woman trying to hide? And why is your ex enabling her to abuse your daughter? Take it to court, get it in writing, and keep your daughter away from them until you do.

Chaya - posted on 07/27/2012

737

0

229

I would just tell the dad that the child will not be around the step mother until that rule is changed, and he will not see her except under these rules, then list them, I was even able to go to court to force some of it, I have had sole custody all along.

Angela - posted on 07/27/2012

2,457

9

322

Can you ask the stepmother IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD why she took her phone away?

You say you have had this arrangement for 13 years. Then you say your child is 13! Am I to assume that you and her father split up when she was a baby? Or did you have this child when he was already married to this woman?

If he was already married to this woman when your child was born, you will ALWAYS be the bad guy in this woman's eyes. I know of a couple of people in this position - they stayed with a man who was unfaithful to them and got somebody else pregnant. They "tolerate" visits and contact with the child but will do their utmost to keep the child's mother at a distance.

You say when your daughter is with you, her father phones her regularly - does his wife know about this?

I could have this completely wrong but when you first said you'd had this arrangement for 13 years and then said your child was 13, that was when I felt I had to ask.

Les - posted on 07/27/2012

6

0

1

Thanks for the support...I hate to create drama if I can avoid it as it ultimately affects my kid who should come first always, but I definitely will have 2nd thoughts before I let her go with him again and I will even insist that he signs a written statement that states our agreement of communication or he can just not see her anymore!

Wendy - posted on 07/27/2012

41

22

16

Tell the SM to jump off a bridge and let your daughter have her phone and then tell your ex to step up and be a responsible father game or not i would have been on the door already and consulting a lawyer no body has the right to stop you from speaking to your child EVER grrrrrrrrr i dont blame you for being angry or hurt maybe as a lesson to them call the police tell them you have not been able to get in contact with any of them and you are worried as they have not responded to any of your calls it might just teach them a lesson not to play games and at least check in to let you know everything is ok
Good Luck

Les - posted on 07/27/2012

6

0

1

She is 13 and has told me her stepmom locks her phone up, she was in tears the last time I talked to her and I asked to speak to her dad but sheasked me to wait till she was home, which I am trying to honor. I asked her if she was allowed to cal me or text me and she said she wanted to talk to me later. I was only able to speak to her when I called her dads phone and threatened to cancel visitations ( I have sole physical custody and have always allowed visitation without restrictions if he was interested) . He sees her every other weekend and a little more in summer. I have always had a good parenting relationship with him but his wife tries to create drama over stupid things.

Dove - posted on 07/27/2012

12,475

0

1354

In my opinion.... there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with each parent speaking to their child each day... no matter who's house the kid is at. The only exception to that would be if the parent's calls are upsetting the child.

Just keep telling yourself that your daughter is fine and that they are playing a game just to piss you off... and try not to let them get to you. I'm assuming your daughter is at least 13? If so, SHE WILL find a way to contact you if she needs to and you can deal with this nonsense (through court if a calm conversation doesn't work) when your daughter is home.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms