Am I doing the correct thing?

Jane Chanel - posted on 02/01/2016 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Hello.

My ex boyfriend left me after four years he left when I was 6 months pregnant he went to work one Monday said he needed space then just never came back. He was very controlling and aggressive. Anywah I had my son and him and his family where constantly harassing me theeating me with social services I had the police decided to text them all saying this is your son if ya wanna see him contact me. His sister and his mam does make the effort to contact me and come see my son. I also sent the same message to my ex, he never bothared blocked me on Facebook, he also came to my door kicking and screaming with his new girlfriend and I chased them. He never came once Lucas was born not even at Christmas not even a message to say how is my son. And now yesterday he contacted saying he wants to see his son, but at the end of the day I have said if he wants to see him he needs to go to court. I don't trust him with my son and if he wanted to see him he would made the effort well before now. He knew the day I was getting him registered he never showed up so he now has no rights at the end of the day I think I'm doing the right thing as I need to protect my son from my physco ex! What does people think? :) Tia x

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Jodi - posted on 02/02/2016

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I would suggest appointing a lawyer immediately and ask that question. Different places, different laws. The laws where I live may not be the same. Many lawyers will provide you with an initial free appointment, but even if they don't, find a good family lawyer and have an appointment to discuss your options. It will be money well spent.

I am in Australia, so you'd actually have to go to mediation before you could even file it in court. That used to be free (don't know if it still is - it's been a long time).

There are community centres that provide supervised visitation too. You should never be the supervisor if he has been aggressive toward you. You need a third part - a friend, family member, other - to be present. Even if there is someone you trust with your child and you disappear - they can be your supervisor and it takes out the issue of your relationship with your ex.

Sorry if my post is all over the place - I have had a long day at work.....and I need sleep, LOL.

Jodi - posted on 02/02/2016

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I get that it is hard for you. Believe me, there are plenty of us who may have had anger toward exes at some point. BUT, that person is still your child's father. Like it or not. I'm not saying he is a great father. He probably isn't.

However, here's what you need to do to protect the interests of your child. You need to file for custody and visitation (push for supervised if you are concerned).

Just so you know, child support has nothing to do with the custody or visitation. Both parents should be financially supporting the child, regardless of the relationship with the child. It's your right to file. But make sure you have custody orders in place or he could claim you didn't let him see the child (not saying you didn't, but if you have no proof, then.......) Custody orders are the best way you can protect your child, not leaving the father off the birth certificate, because at the end of the day, that means nothing.

I will add, him hitting you has absolutely nothing to do with his relationship with the child, either. Unless you can provide evidence that he is a danger to the child, it really isn't relevant.

Jodi - posted on 02/02/2016

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Jane, you are wrong. All he needs is a DNA test and he has absolutely every right. And if he can ALSO prove you have kept the child from him deliberately, well, that won't end so well for you.,

Michelle - posted on 02/02/2016

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But like I said, that's not your decision.
It doesn't matter that he hasn't tried to see his child since he was born.
If you don't go to court and get things sorted out legally then there's nothing stopping your ex coming and taking your child! He is the Father and unless you have court orders stating the days he can see his son then he can take him for as long as he wants.
If you don't want the child support then put it away for your son's education or even a car. Your son has the right that BOTH parents support him financially.

17 Comments

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Ev - posted on 02/02/2016

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From what I have read, they all have covered it well. I also see a need for you to find a support group of family and friends as well as maybe a group of moms who may have been in the same situation as you.

Dove - posted on 02/02/2016

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Everyone has already given good advice. I'm just going to suggest you seek some counseling for yourself... as a survivor of an abusive relationship it can be SO helpful to your healing process.

Jane Chanel - posted on 02/02/2016

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Yeah am gonna let him see my son but my auntie going to supervise it so I don't need to be present x

Raye - posted on 02/02/2016

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This guy was good enough for you to have sex with. It resulted in you having a child. That child is half yours and half his. I understand that you don't like this guy, now, and you have very good reasons. But that doesn't stop him from being the child's father.

In Ohio (where I live), when a child is born to an unmarried woman, she has sole custody of the child at birth, at least until the father has a court order giving him his father’s rights. The idea that single mothers in Ohio always KEEP sole custody is FALSE. Once a father goes to court, if he wants joint custody (except in extraordinary circumstances), he can usually get it. The court gives equal consideration to both the mother and father when determining custody; one does not have greater preference over the other. If the mother is unable to properly parent or unwilling to share the child, the father may end up being the sole residential parent and legal custodian of the child and the mother may end up only with visitation.

Laws differ in each state/area, so it would be best for you to contact a lawyer and research rights within your area. In nearly all locations, the father can have the court order a DNA test, file for custody/visitation rights, and usually be granted some amount of time with his child.

Jodi - posted on 02/02/2016

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It's up to him if he won't stick around. Document EVERYTHING. Buy yourself a notebook and keep a diary on everything. Keep any text messages, emails or other written correspondence. Make a note in your diary every time he requests, and you allow. But also every time you reject and the reason why - make sure it is a legitimate and important reason (like, sorry, we can't it's short notice and I have already booked vaccinations).

Jane Chanel - posted on 02/02/2016

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I think my auntie would do it as my son God parent and then i don't need to see him. Because I think I would flip with him. A don't think he will stick around like because he hates kids x

Jane Chanel - posted on 02/02/2016

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So is it easier for me to just let him see him at my house when he wants to until a get a custody order xx

Jodi - posted on 02/02/2016

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Still go and get those custody orders. You have no idea how many situations go bad because one parent didn't get orders, and then the other parent turns up and files for custody. Honestly, it happens all the time. Get yourself a lawyer and file. You may not get it all your way (in fact you probably won't, so be prepared for that), BUT people lose custody if they try to do it alone and deny visitation. So protect yourself and your child. Get custody/vistiation orders.

If he decides NOT to use his visitation, that becomes his problem then. But as it stands, you don't have a leg to stand on denying him any time he decides he wants to visit his kid.

Jane Chanel - posted on 02/02/2016

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Thank you!

I just don't trust him with my son he's a lot younger and isn't mature he's only 19. He dosent have a secure home he lives at different lasses. He was offered to go on birth certificate and never turned up. I have all the proof of messages that I sent him to try and get him to see his son when he was first born. And well he has a anger issues he has loads of police records for flipping and hitting me and his mother x

Jane Chanel - posted on 02/02/2016

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It's hard for me after what he's put me through I have so much anger towards him! He's aggressive he used to hit me! I've hardly kept his son from him he knows where I live!

Jane Chanel - posted on 02/02/2016

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My ex has no rights to my son what so ever as he is not on his birth certificate

Jane Chanel - posted on 02/02/2016

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Don't want child support off him I'd rather do without. It's not my fault he hasn't tried once since he left

Michelle - posted on 02/01/2016

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Short answer is No, you aren't doing the right thing by refusing the Father to see his child.
You need to go to court and get custody, visitation and child support sorted out.
There is a pinned conversation that explains all you need to know about it.

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