Am I in the wrong?

Patricia - posted on 06/25/2012 ( 23 moms have responded )

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So I feel like I am always on here :( I cant seem to help myself. I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for a year and couple monthes- I have an almost 9 year daughter. We live in seperate places- I was married to her dad to 10 years and I am not ready to just jump into something blindly- not fair to her or me. My boyfriend owns his house- yah right- no with his friend from school- a guy- ok no biggie- they have BBQ's together on the weekend and invite their families- plan the menuand everything- marinate the chicken, etc. They just went out and bought an avocado tree together for their house! My boyfriend as great of a guy as he is- doesnt get that this bothers me- I have tried to be accomadating and he wants me and my daughter to move into his house with him and his friend- I cant do it. they have a joint checking account for the house! I kinda was a bitch and freaked out a little when he used my previous marriage against me- my ex hubby dragged my credit through the mud and I am working on getting it back on track, he says thats why we cant move forward. Its been over a year yet but this isnt playing house and I have a child! He hasnt talked to me in 3 days since I told him his living situation is "gay,creepy, and wierd." Yeah very rotten and bitchy of me :( Anyone have any idea how to fix this and help him see that my moving into this with my girl is not going to work?

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Krista - posted on 06/25/2012

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I would sit down with him and follow up on that apology. Be honest with him and tell him that you often feel not like you're his partner, but just another guest -- that it's almost like he and his roommate are the couple (not in a sexual way, but just as far as the family dynamic is concerned.) Tell him that you are feeling left out and like a fifth wheel, and it makes you insecure and that's why you lashed out and said those ugly things. Men are "fixers" -- ask him for help in solving the problem.

Krista - posted on 06/25/2012

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I can see why he wouldn't want to get a mortgage with you until your credit has improved somewhat, and yes, you were absolutely in the wrong to say what you did. So he owns a house with his friend and they have a joint account for household expenses. That only makes good sense. And OMG -- they made a joint landscaping purchase! Heaven forbid!

Seriously, you reacted in a very immature and childish fashion, and owe him a serious apology.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/25/2012

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How about, instead of using the terms "gay, creepy, and weird", you tell him, like an adult, exactly WHAT is bothering you about the situation!

You need to sit down, and write yourself a script, if necessary. I mean, if I had a situation like that, where I'd combined funds with a friend to purchase a house, and we'd set up a specific account for household expenses, etc, and my "significant other" told me that they thought it was "gay, creepy, and weird", my response would have been to tell that person that, if they couldn't communicate in an adult fashion, with logical, rational responses, then they don''t need to be in my life.

Try writing out your reasons for why you're creeped out. What, other than the overall situation, makes this a "weird" or "gay" thing? Is there indicators of homosexuality? If you're basing it on the fact that they picked a tree out together...well, housemates generally like to share decisions...

Then, when you have that down, you can speak with him rationally, rather than giving your gut responses...and maybe the conversation (and relationship) can move forward.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/25/2012

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You are NOT WRONG! Yes, you should have used different language. You will need to be more analytical and less panicky to get through this gracefully, with confidence and self-respect. It's a challenging situation. I agree that you used language that is unkind, but more to the point, that language is ineffective. Mean language gives the other person permission to tune you out. So, think carefully about what you want to say before you say it. Make yourself a script! That's good advice! In doing so, you will probably figure out what it is that really bothers you.

Here are some things that bother ME about the idea of your moving in with him:

1. I don't think that moving in with a boyfriend's buddy is safe for your 9-year-old daughter. Even moving in with a boyfriend is a big risk and needs to be considered very, very carefully. You know best about this, but there's virtually no way you can know about the buddy. Check the statistics on this. Girls living with men who are not their blood relatives are much, much more likely to be sexually abused by them. You cannot--and should not--know the friend as well as you know your boyfriend, so there is just no way you would ever be able to feel entirely secure in your own home, if you moved in with him. How many women have turned a blind eye to this, and then realized years later that they failed to protect their children because they didn't want to spoil a relationship? It's not worth it.

2. Don't move in with your boyfriend anyway--roommate or no roommate-- if he's not going to be a permanent fixture in your life and adopt your daughter as his own. Temporary parents are not good for a child. Adults need to love the children they have responsibility for, to invest in them for life, and a father figure needs to be permanent. This is not some sort of moral prejudice speaking! It's the result of reading psychology on family structure. Check it out and make an informed decision. You will not move in with a boyfriend once you've checked it out.

3. I'm sorry you're jealous. I don't think getting mad at him about the tree planting is jealousy, though. What seems to be wrong there is that his priorities are off. Planting an avocado tree would not be more important than picking up a child from school...to a person who thinks like a father. Really. A sensible, caring dad does not think that way. Take your feelings seriously and figure out where they come from. Don't oversimplify them. If your boyfriend's relationship is just with you, and not your daughter--not like a father-to-be--then he doesn't accept you fully, and the life that comes with you. Because your daughter is a part of you! Many men are ready to have families, and they can love children who come into their lives, and take responsibility for them. You're not expecting too much, to expect this. If you want to date the guy because you're crazy about him, fine! But just date him. Don't move in with him. Be honest with yourself and be a good example to your daughter. You don't want to live his lifestyle with him, and he's not interested in living your lifestyle with you. Don't let him edge out your freedom by getting you to move in with him, while keeping his own freedom by keeping the roommate situation. You will regret it if you do this.

4. The guy relationship is not a big deal. It's kind of cute, really. How nice that they want to do some homebody things together! It's not like they want to sleep together, rent strippers, or set up a crack shop in the basement. That would be gay, creepy, and weird. And illegal. But sharing a checking account is not OK for a man who has a family, either. He will need to establish financial independence from his roommate before he can commit to sharing financial responsibilities with you. This is simply an obvious fact.

So, you're right. The situation is wrong. But you must get clarity about what is wrong, and then you need to let him know. And maybe this shows that there are some real trouble spots in this relationship, if it's too difficult to get on the same page about these issues, or the other issues that are making you hold back. Don't doubt yourself. Your daughter needs you to be strong, for both of you.

I'll pray for you tonight!

Beth

Alexandra - posted on 06/25/2012

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I dont think that was rotten and bitchy of you, I think this is exactly what is in your mind and what is bothering you.
To be honest with you, this situation wouldn't work out with me either! And you already answerred that to yourself. So, honey, forget about this guy and move on.

23 Comments

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Julie - posted on 07/02/2012

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You are right, this isn't playing house. We as parents "get that" people without children do not.
If you want to fix the relationship, you need to set standard for you and your daughter (nothing to do with him). For example: you will not move in with anyone until you are engaged. You will not introduce your daughter to a boyfriend until you are monogamous. You will not settle for a man who does not allow you your independence. You and your daughter are a "package deal" ect...
My husband had roommates prior to our engagement, but as soon as I got the ring, the 30 day notice was given. For them to move out, and me to move in. Did he want me in sooner? Yes, but I stuck to my standard having already lived with someone prior, I knew the next time would be the last.
My point is it is up to YOU to control you and your daughters destiny, not him.
Stay true to your feelings and protecting your daughter. If he loves you in an unconditional way, he will come around (no pressure). If he can't go there, then let him go. Waiting for the man who can go there is well worth it.
However, I personally don't think you "Have to be included" in his BBQ guy time. You are still dating, he is not married and if he does not want to include you at this point, you should be "cool" about it. Again, you can not have the "best of both worlds either."
Look at it from his perspective, Adding a girlfriend, child and family to the mix changes the dynamics of the traditional event. It's not good or bad, just different. By Allowing him his "guy time" you show you are not jealous, and respect his need to have that bonding time. This will make him love you MORE and then wish you were apart of it :) As long as you are getting quality time together, and are confident in the relationship, it should not be a problem. Compromise, communication and compassion for the other person. good luck girl, it ain't easy, but you will do the right thing. Go with your gut!

Melissa - posted on 06/28/2012

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I really don't think you're wrong for the most part. You have very valid points and everyone gets angry and says things they don't mean or wish they hadn't. You said you apologized. If he loves you he will understand. I would talk to him when I wasn't upset. Explain that your family should be included,if you guys are going to be married one day,they will be his family too. Explain that you want a place with just you,him and your daughter. You want to be the one picking furniture and planning vacations with him.

Patricia - posted on 06/27/2012

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I have asked him repeatedly to include me in the BBQs- let me make something, help out- hey maybe invite my family (who havent met). Better yet do one with me at my apartment and cook with me. It has been a source of unrest for the year and we had tiffed about it before where I had calmly explained my feelings about the BBQs. I get to find out all sorts of stuff at these BBQs like him and his roommate are planning a trip to Australia. I really dont think he is gay, and he spends a fair amount of time at my apartment. I dont think his roommate wants us there and I want a place that I can put our things up that we pick out together- they picked out all their furniture- as a young couple starting out I just didnt feel like this would be healthy, even if I didnt have a child- it wouldnt be ours and I wouldnt feel like it was my "home." I did get angry and lashed out and I called his living situation how I felt at the time. I feel he is spending his time with me and building a life with someone else though he says differently. I am happy right now with keeping things the way that they are

Patricia - posted on 06/27/2012

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I have asked him repeatedly to include me in the BBQs- let me make something, help out- hey maybe invite my family (who havent met). Better yet do one with me at my apartment and cook with me. It has been a source of unrest for the year and we had tiffed about it before where I had calmly explained my feelings about the BBQs. I get to find out all sorts of stuff at these BBQs like him and his roommate are planning a trip to Australia. I really dont think he is gay, and he spends a fair amount of time at my apartment. I dont think his roommate wants us there and I want a place that I can put our things up that we pick out together- they picked out all their furniture- as a young couple starting out I just didnt feel like this would be healthy, even if I didnt have a child- it wouldnt be ours and I wouldnt feel like it was my "home." I did get angry and lashed out and I called his living situation how I felt at the time. I feel he is spending his time with me and building a life with someone else though he says differently. I am happy right now with keeping things the way that they are

Pamela - posted on 06/26/2012

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First, your judgment of him may well have already ended the relationship. Second, speak to him to see if HE wants to repair the relationship. Third, look at your own self and what may be causing you to judge his roommate situation.

Be honest and forthright and ask him if he is sexually involved with his roommate. If he is and you do not choose to live with a bi-sexual man and his other partner, you have your answer. If he says that there is no sexual tie between them, then consider your options.

Will it cause more problems or will it eliminate problems for you to house share with him and his roommate?

Ever meditate and take your issues to a Divine source for answers? If not, better late than never to start this process.

Go to http://www.chopracenter.com and see if you can find something in that center that can help you become a more clear and loving soul!

The highest and best to you!

Melissa - posted on 06/26/2012

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You shouldn't live with him unless you're absolutely sure it's the best thing for all involved. It's not fair to your daughter,you,or your man. I really don't think the roommate thing is creepy,it's actually smart. They shared expenses on buying a house instead of spending their money renting something that wouldn't be theirs. My concern would be,how would that work out if you guys did decide to make it permanent? Would they have to sell the house? I can't imagine you would want to live with the friend forever. And what about if the friend finds someone else?

Rachel - posted on 06/26/2012

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Yeah, attacking his roommate was mean, but you absolutely should not be rushing into a living arrangement with anyone when you have a young daughter. You can be polite about it, but he needs to respect that.

Patricia - posted on 06/26/2012

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As a parent with children the same age as your daughter, I would not move in with a man unless there was a long term commitment involved. Children get attached very quickly and having the live in situation will put him in a place where they will see him as a father figure. If it doesn't work out, the children will suffer by being separated from someone that they got attached to. I have seen this happen too many times. I think it is important that he understands that you cannot put your child in a situation unless there is a long term committment. A long term commitment means that he needs to break ties with his friend and try to make a life together with you. If he's not willing to do this then he isn't ready to take on the responsibility of being a part of your family.

User - posted on 06/26/2012

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I think the situation is fine - however - I am sure you are thinking marriage and other long term situation - I do not think it is wise moving in with him but instead of being immature and calling him and his situation names - I would be having an adult conversation over what the long term plan would be if things worked out - you can't live with his friend forever

Louise - posted on 06/26/2012

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Patricia are you worried that he is a bit gay? Have you concerns about the close relationship between this man and your fella. I would look at this a bit odd as well, but if they are making it work great. As for moving in with his mate as well as him, I would doubt I would feel comfortable with that.

May be it is time to sit down and have the chat of where this relationship is going and who is in it? If this man is just a great friend then that great friend should know when it is time to step aside to let a relationship blossom.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/26/2012

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Oh BTW, I think it is pretty awesome that they have FAMILY BBQ's and invite you. I think it is great that they cook, and are proud of their home.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/26/2012

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Yeah sorry but you are wrong. I think your words were chosen out of haste. I think it was very rude.

You have what your history is, and he has his. Just because he is living with a friend does not make him "gay creepy and weird".

If you don't want to move in with him, that is fine, but insulting his way of life is not ok. If you are that distressed and bothered by him, move on. If you are not ready to move forward in a relationship, move on. It is totally understandable that you are not ready to move in with anyone, but seriously, don't insult this mans whole way of life. He sounds like a great guy, and his roommate sounds pretty fantastic for saying it is ok for you and your daughter to move in. Hell, it is both these mens houses, and both of them have to agree on house decisions. I wouldn't be talking to you either. I think what you said was mean.

Saying something like "I am uncomfortable moving in with anyone with my daughter just yet. Also, if we did move in together, I would like it to just be the 3 of us." Something nice, simple and direct. Not calling him and his friend names just cause you are uncomfortable with the situation. If you are that uncomfortable, move on, because it may never change.

Theresa - posted on 06/26/2012

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I would feel the same way... I think that I would move on to be honest. You have allready put in a year to this relationship & I wouldn't waste anymore time. I think maybe having you maybe a coverup as to something he doesn't want to come out of the closet with??? Idk & there is nothing wrong with that at all, other than the fact its not fair to you. So yes what you said wasn't the best way to go about it, but I definatly feel ya on that. I say move on!

Patricia - posted on 06/25/2012

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I appreciate all of your comments and you are so wonderful for taking the time to help me out. Yes I apoligized and he loves me enough to accept it and for now talk about living together is on the back burner.

Elfrieda - posted on 06/25/2012

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It sounds like he's not really ready to make a big commitment to you. He likes you, and sure, if you want he'll fit you into his life by inviting you to his BBQs and even move you in, but I don't think he's ready to change his life yet to make it so that you are a family together. I think you're smart to not move in with him yet. (but I agree that you need to apologize for your comments)



Maybe the best thing is to have a little more space between you for now, you doing your thing, him doing his thing, and seeing each other regularly but not having him be your only source of social contact. Go out with friends, have a dinner party and of course invite him, take little mother-daughter outings without him, etc. If you get busy with your own life, you'll be happier and he'll be able to see that he really misses you when you're not always around.

Stifler's - posted on 06/25/2012

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I agree with the others it was pretty wrong to say he is gay and creepy just because they have bbqs and an avocado tree and a joint account for their house. You've been together a year and you have kids and he doesn't, it's going to be a big adjustment moving in together especially when he's living the single life, for you and him.

Amy - posted on 06/25/2012

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First of all what is it that you really want? Do you want to move into the house, but you'll only do it if the roommate is gone? Maybe he meant that he can't move you in and kick out the roommate until your credit is fixed because it could be a possibility that he would need to buy out his roommates half, maybe what he meant was that he can't do that without your credit being better.

Your boyfriend is doing what any roommates would do. They're having parties, planning events, and they've set up an account together so that they can pay household bills out of it. There is nothing "gay, creepy. or weird" about that, chalk it up to them being really good friends. If you want to fix it start by addressing your own insecurities, call and apologize and then let it go. If you are never going to be able to accept the situation then it's probably not the relationship for you and move on.

Patricia - posted on 06/25/2012

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I do agree I should have been more adult about the situation. I cant handle the family bbqs they have together- they invite their families and then there I am as just another guest- I am not included at all and its all about them and their house and how great they cook, etc. This is what I cannot stand- I am VERY jealous and feel excluded. I was more upset that he didnt pick my child up at school as agreed because he was planting the tree with his roommate because that was the time they were able to do it together. I lashed out nd for that I am sorry and have aplogized- I just dont know where to go from here :(

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