am I out of my mind?! attitude issues

Mihaela - posted on 10/16/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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so... my mother-in-law says that i should be checked... this is the reason: my daughter (2 1/2 y old) had like 5 minutes of crying and yelling, after we came home this afternoon. she was fine in the car, perhaps a little too quiet... and then out of the blue she started... i wasn't able to calm her down (not even trying to breast-feed her, something that always works), nor was her father or anybody else in the family ( i live with my in-laws...) when she finally calmed down my mother-in-law told me that the only reason for that "burst of will" was that i didn't gave her the tit on the way home (something that i no longer do, and the hole trip was not longer than 10 minutes, and the girl didn't even asked for... ). So i got a bit angry and told her i am not going to give my child what she wants whenever she wants just to keep her calm, and that i'm not my child's slave... (the talk also based upon an older topic about doing and not doing things for / with the children whenever they feel like doing it...) and she said that i should ask a doctor about my opinions, because that's why we bring the children to the world, to be always there...bla bla bla. I said i didn't questioned that but not all the things have to go as a child wishes...the talk was pretty much pointless because i don't change my ideas, nor does she...

but that was my question: am i out of my mind for thinking as i do?

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Mihaela - posted on 10/17/2012

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thanks a lot! you're right, we do live togheter and have our differences come to dicussions from time to time but at least she is not interfering (too much) when i try to correct my daughter,or to sooth her in my way or anything else. It was not my plan to live togheter and also wouldn't be a permanent solution ( at least i hope so). I tend to believe an old saying: "parents are for educating, grandparents are for spoiling" because in the end this seems to be the result. I also tend to let the grandma have her way when it doesn't affects our positions.... but sometimes i just have to say "no, it's not like that"... all i hope is that my daughter will learn that she has to do as I say, not otherwise...

Rebekah - posted on 10/16/2012

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I don't know how your MIL comes to the conclusion that your daughter cried b/c she didn't get to breastfeed on the way home on a short trip. If that were the issue, I would think you attempting to breast-feed her would settle her pretty fast.



I tend to be with your thinking that it isn't best to always give a child everything they are demanding immediately to avoid a situation. When they are small infants, they need more of an immediate response. But till they are your daughter's age and beyond, they need to learn delayed gratification, self-soothing, and frustration tolerance. How else can they learn to cope if the parent always swoops in and takes care of things right away? This is within reason, of course. I am not suggesting cruelly withholding care if a child is in need of attention/comfort. But yes, it is good to learn to wait.



For all anyone knows, she was upset for other reasons, so how can a judgement be made as to what caused it and what you "should have" done? Was she tired? Overstimulated? And lets remember the age. Ages 2-3 can be full of high emotions and tantrums (my son at age 3 was hardest...and then it got much better!). Small things can trigger big reactions and all you can do sometimes is just do your best to help them through it, or ignore tantrum behavior, and let the storm pass.



Based on what you said, I suspect the issue may be more your living situation (two mamas under one roof!) and your differing philosophies on parenting. There will be disagreements. If you plan to live together for a long while, it would be good to strategize and see if you can agree to disagree. I would hope that she could at least respect your approach, even if she herself would do things differently. Can she support your decisions for the sake of consistency? If you have any articles that support what you do, perhaps she would be receptive to reading more about it? The goal shouldn't be to change each other, but for your daughter's sake, you will want to minimize differing styles so she isn't confused when grandma reacts one way and mommy reacts differently. It wouldn't matter so much if she saw grandma once in a while, but since you share your living space, it could be a daily issue. Good luck to you!

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