am I wrong for being so stressed out having only 1 baby?

Evelyn - posted on 04/29/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I'm 20 y.o I had my angelo 8 months ago and I'm the happiest I've ever been being a mother, I am currently looking for work, trying to get my ged, and attending college in june. No bills, all the financial needs are dealt with by my boyfriend. He is 29, but acts 18, sadly I will be splitting up with him soon since he is an abuser, not really bad but I'm still scared of him when he smacks me even threatens me. But he always says how I'm a bad mother because I yell at our baby, and says i stress out over nothing because I have no bills to pay or dont have to provide for our son.hes gone 247, helps me out in a great while holding him or change a diaper here n there, but when I ask for help I hear an earful saying it's my job to take care of our son, I don't do nothing all day n so on. I am expected to clean the house ( no one bothers picking up after themselves here or wash the dishes) and cook 3 meals a day for his ass, I do laundry regularly, but it's sometimes impossible to cook when I have my son who needs my attention. I always make sure his needs are before anyone elses. I get stressed when baby throws tantrums ( cries hysterical ) and can't heat myself sing or talk to him, so I started leaving him to cry in his room, it works out for me, but I also get stressed when I cook n he acts like he wants to eat or wants attention and just wants to be held n played with ( which I adore playing with my son n holding him just not when I'm trying to please his dad as well making him food or cleaning) & I get pissed when he's here n doesn't want to help when I ask for it. He tells me to get help, tells me there's. Other girls that have more than 1 baby, they are the 1s that should be stressed, and tells me to control myself, I'm losing alot of hair, I dunno if he's right cuz it seems I don't have alot to b stressed over.?

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Tara Lou - posted on 04/30/2015

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Hi, this sounds like me a couple years ago. When I had 1 child I thought it was hard, stressful, didn't think it was going to end, I believe it gets easier as they grow up, others don't. Basically you need to learn to balance things like try and plan ahead of cooking, cleaning, washing. And anything else. Also when you eat or do something else your baby will want your attention as your not giving it them... just talk to him through your dinner and tell him what's on your plate, when your doing washing, cleaning whatever you do, although you think he can't understand or we look silly, it helps with him understanding and speech as he's storing it all up. You also are supposed to put your baby first but if you try and balance things then you could make everyone happy. Also I do believe women are suppose to stay at home to look after child/ren I now have 2 children and I think to myself it was so easy when I had 1 ... children are hard work anyway no matter how many. And why does he smack you? Threaten you? Shouldn't stand for that at all. It's not right.

Jodi - posted on 04/30/2015

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"not really bad but I'm still scared of him when he smacks me even threatens me. "

Honey, he smacks you. That's bad abuse. You need to leave now. Find a women's shelter for battered women in your area and get the hell out.

Secondly, do NOT yell at your baby. You are not helping anything. If anything, it is probably making things worse. I would say it isn't the baby stressing you, but rather the expectations that your boyfriend seems to have of you. Cooking 3 meals a day? Really? Having him complain that things aren't perfect for him at home would be the most stressful thing in your life. If he were out, you could relax a little. Does it really matter if the dishes get done? Does it really matter if the washing gets caught up every day? Do you really HAVE to cook every day when you could cook a large batch of something and reheat the next day too? Maybe if you weren't so stressed, your baby would not be so stressed.

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Ledia - posted on 04/30/2015

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I agree with Jodi. If he's ever hit you, you need to get out.

A couple of red flags:
1) Never yell at your baby--they only cry because they need something, and even if all he wants is some love and cuddles, you have to acknowledge that those things are VERY important to a developing baby. Yelling at him isn't going to make anything better, it is just going to make him cry more because he isn't going to understand why you are angry, he is just going to be terrified. He isn't old enough yet to link your anger to his behavior.
2) Never leave your baby to cry alone in his room. This will only make him even more clingy. When a baby cries and mommy doesn't respond, it makes him feel insecure and frightened. If left to cry often, the baby will lose confidence that mommy will come when he cries, and he will start to cry more often just to test and make sure she will come. He isn't trying to be manipulative, it is a natural reflex.

DO NOT FEEL LIKE A BAD MOTHER JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE DONE THESE THINGS IN THE PAST!!! You are still a great mom--we ALL mess up and yell at our kids, or lose our cool and put them in a safe place to cry for a few minutes until we get our composure back. It's not good to do it, but it's often better than letting the stress build up to a point where we might hurt our kids. The point is, if you find yourself yelling at your baby a lot, or letting him cry alone often or for long amounts of time, it is a signal that trouble is brewing.

Your boyfriend sounds like a dick. I only have one kid, and it IS stressful, and my friends who have 2 and 3 and 4 kids all tell me that the additional kids didn't add any more stress to their lives than the first one. In fact, at times it is even easier having 2 kids because they can entertain each other (of course other times they fight, so it evens out).

You don't need to cook 3 meals a day. First off, leftovers are a mother's best friend. Secondly, there are tons of great breakfast and lunch foods that do not need to be cooked at all. But really, that's beside the point, you need to get away from that jerk and then you can cook and eat what you want to--which might be a great home cooked meal one night and frozen pizza the next.

I will agree that if one parent stays at home (and is not a student or actually working from home) while the other parent works away, the at home parent should take care of most of the household chores. That said, the parent who works away should still clean up after themselves and not make extra work for the parent at home, and both parents should share equally in the parenting. If you are with the child all day, then when he gets home, he should spend time with the child so that you can have a small break (he does get a lunch break after all, and you don't), cook dinner and clean the kitchen in peace, and catch up on anything that didn't get done during the day because you were busy caring for the child. If he isn't going to do his part, your life will be much easier and less stressful without him. You'll still be doing it all yourself, but you'll have one less person to take care of, that that makes a big difference.

Cutemommy - posted on 04/30/2015

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It sounds like the dad is stressing you out and it is conflicting with the way you care for your baby. It is not the child's fault you have to remember that your baby can't do anything for himself, why do you do so much for someone (your boyfriend) when he is a dick. You need to focus on the baby that man can feed his damn self. He is paying your bills big damn whoop my husband pays rent, bought me a car, phone, food, internet, cable, and for me to go to school and his job isn't the greatest. He still picks up helps with laundry and cleaning not all the time but when I get stressed. If you knew better you'd do better, he has you stuck thinking he is some type of almighty hero. You need to get out girl you do not deserved to be smacked and pushed around it's not even about the money because I worked 12 hour shifts when I had to. babies sense when you are stressed they can tell and that is pry why he is crying so much. It is OK to let you baby cry sometimes when all his needs are met but now consistently. It is not good for your husband to compare you to other girls because no one knows how another person lives until they experience it, he doesn't know the lives of other girls and whether they get stressed or what they deal with. You are very young and he has a decade over you, you would think in a decade he would have learned how to treat a woman. You and your baby deserve better, and once you move on in life he is going to regret being such a douche bag to you and your child. run and never look back...

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