am i wrong for not letting the children go off with their dad

Jacks - posted on 07/04/2011 ( 22 moms have responded )

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i have full custody of the children. due to their dad having a drug problem. he stood up in court and told the judge that he would rather the children be with me then stop his drug use. and now he wants me to allow the kids to go to his house. he has supervised visit and feels that i should allow him to take them to his house. i give him 4 hrs a week to spend time with his children and he dont show up all the time. now that i am wanting to move to another state he is wanting to stop me.

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Pnina - posted on 07/06/2011

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It might help if you explain to your children that their father has a sickness. That the choices he is making are not healthy for them to be around, but he is not making them because he doesn't love them. My mother did this for me and had me pray for my dad. It helped, and I stopped feeling like I wasn't good enough for him to be ok. I wish you luck with this. Stand strong for yourself and your children and be safe.

Stifler's - posted on 07/04/2011

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no! i would be taking steps to make sure he never is near the kids again.

Jacks - posted on 07/06/2011

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everyone has been alot of help to me so i want to say thank you. i have done some research and found out that i can move. i have also found out that if i wanted to i could take all rights away from him since is has been longer then six months since he has made any effort in doing what the court order. however i do want my children to know their father and i would not want anyone to do that to me. i will cont. to offer him visit with the children and even bring them to see him as long as he wants to be a part of their life. i am not a cold hearted person but i do want to move on with my life and make it a better one for the children. my children are having a hard time right now not being able to spend time alone with their dad. and i dont want them to blame me. yes i still have to put up with him calling and fussing at me and coming to see them and him saying things to bring me down in front of them. i have called the police more than i count but nothing is ever done. what i dont understand is if he is happy with amy and they are having a baby why is he still wanting me to come back to him. he dont understand that i am done and i am moving on. he dont understand the love i once had is gone yes he was my first love but it died when he chose the drugs over his children. i think i have said this before i am not the best mom i too was on drugs but i got myself clean and did what i was suppose to in order to keep them. i have been clean since 09 and never even thought about going back to it. when cps step in my life it made me a better person. he had the same chance i did but he is the one that stood up and said that "the children would be better off with their mother then with me i will never go to the drug classes and i will never stop using" when i heard those words it broke my heart but i knew then what i had to do. and that was leave with my children in hand. my words to the judge that day was your honor i can always find another man but i can never replace my children. when i leave this courtroom today i am kicking him out of the house. and i did but since i lived on his family land i had no choice but to get off their place. I was a cna at the time and got hurt on the job so here i was walking with a cane and a walking boot. going to work and taking care of three children. and now that i have better myself he is trying once again to bring me down trying to make me feel like it is all my fault this happen to us. he is trying to blame my family cause he feels it was them that turn us in. i look at like this even if it was my famiy i thank whom ever did it caue it made me wake up and see that i was not a good mother dont get me wrong they were well fed and clothed but i didnt spend tiem with them like i should yes i washed them and put them to bed at night but i didnt really interact with them. inless there father was not home. and i know i got off point but that is to give a little more background to the even. i feel if i was able to give up the drugs for my children why couldnt he. and now that i am the person i am today he wants me back.is it b/c he sees i am happy and i dont need him. someone asked if i could get in trouble if i let them go the answer to that one is yes i can and yes my rights could be taken also. i am still in touch with the case worker i had. we have become very close she helps me and the children when ever she can she cant give me legal advice but it is b/c of something she said to me that made me want to make this move. i have alot of support and i love it and i know i will miss my home town i have been here for 30 yrs come the 11th but i know this is what i need to do. i have a job line up and a house already mine there. so as i see it,it is already better. so thanks again to all that has responded. at least i dont feel so bad about soing the right thing anymore. and after explaining to my children the reasons not in detail why they cant go spend alone time with daddy they seem to be ok. my daughter seems like she is back to her oldself again the boys still dont understand why he only wanted to take her and not them but i dont have a answer for that so i made up one dont know if it was the right thing to do or not but i told them that he wanted to take her and leave all b/c he thought that if he only asked for one i would say yes knowing that he would not leave without the others so he would bring her back and hope that the next time he would be able to take one of you. then after they talked to their dad tonight i must have said the right thing cause my oldest look at me and said mom you were right. sorry i know it is alot to read and i will stop but i hope you all understand alittle better what i have been going threw the pass 3 years. thanks again and i wish you all the best...

Nova-Dawn - posted on 07/05/2011

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My two oldest now 9 and 8 haven't seen their father since the younger was only a few weeks old. same thing drug and violence. I gave him a year to clean up or he would never see them. Needless to say he never did, now that they are a bit older and I have a husband and other kids they have asked about their real dad, So I've told them he wasn't nice and needed to learn how and until he does he's not allowed around but if he still isn't around when they're 16 I will tell them my side and if they still want to find him I will help put them in touch. Also to make that a little easier I have kept tabs on him so I know where abouts he is. It really depends on the situation but just put your kids first and do what you know is best for them to grow up healthy functional adults, Hope it all works out for you

Katherine - posted on 07/04/2011

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You are allowed to move to another state. I'm sure the judge will grant it. Do some research :)

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Chazmine - posted on 08/05/2011

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i understand you wanting your kids to have a relationship with their dad but if he is on drug your kids could be in great danger with him I wouldn't trust it and your the responsible parent do what you think is right but think about your kids and their safety above anything else

Jacks - posted on 07/29/2011

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just wanted to give everyone a update...the divorce is over and that was a big step....me moving was also brought up. but the judge stop that even before we started with that one. basicly since we were there for a divorce and nothing else cause i already have full custody the judge didnt want to hear it however he did tell the ex that if he felt he was clean and could prove that he was clean that he would have to get a lawyer and take me back to court. that since i have full custody i have the right to say where the children live and that it would be up to him to make a way to see the children. guess i was lucky getting the same judge that granted me custody of the children and he remember him standing up and saying that he wants me to have full custody of the children cause he will never leave the drugs alone. so in the next couple of weeks i will be moving...i am just glad that i can move on and give my children a better life. i will miss my family but i know this is for the best...since the divorce he has not show up one time to see his children and every time he dont show up gets easier and easier for the children they are not asking if he is coming and when they talk to him on the phone they say we knew you were not going to come so i guess he showed them what i already knew now i dont feel so bad b/c my children now know that it was not me all along. as far as them not going with them me and my parents sat down and had a talk with them and explain to them the reasons why they can not go with their dad. everything is going smoothly for the time being and i hope it stays that way anyways i just wanted to give a update and say thanks to all that helped me i hope one day i will be able to do the same....so thanks and may god bless you all

Miranda - posted on 07/07/2011

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My first thought would be heck yes leave and he has no say!! On that note its easier said than done. Depending on what the court say will make a diffrence on if you can go or not. Just ask your lawyer they would be able to tell you. Do what you feel is best for your family .. not what he wants bc he obviously didn't care if he was not willing to give up his drugs

[deleted account]

My 4 children have not seen their biological father in 4 years! I have had sole legal and physical custody and he wasnt granted custody because of his drug use and domestic violence. Since then I have re-married and my kids call my husband dad. We have had another child and the kids have asked to be adopted by him, We filed the adoptoin and now all of a sudden their biological dad wants visitation ( he won"t get it) the damage and pain it causes the children is not fair at all! It is our right and job as mother's to protect them from this! As hard as it is, they are better off with out him!

Casey - posted on 07/06/2011

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Also if you have full custody there is nothing he can do to stop you from moving. He might be able to require you to answer to a court in your current state if he could bring the custody back to court, but even then you can often participate by phone.

Casey - posted on 07/06/2011

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If he has supervised visitation rights, he should be supervised when he is with the children until he proves to a court that he deserves to be treated differently. If you take it upon yourself to decide otherwise and something goes wring wouldn't you be at least partially responsible? You could jeopardize your own custody for disregarding the legal point of view. You could also do irrepairable damage to your children and/or their innocence, which is why he's ordered to have supervision - to guarantee that what he exposes them to is age appropriate. I strongly suggest you not let someone with clearly lacking judgment and pathetic priorities manipulate you or influence your decisions. You are not wrong.

Allison - posted on 07/06/2011

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You have full custody which means you don't need his permission to move out of state. Best bet is to terminate his parental rights that way he cannot do a thing period!

Amanda - posted on 07/06/2011

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I think he has lost his privilege to have his children the minute he started using drugs. You are the primary care giver, you have your rights and you have the right to deny him of his children if he is still on drugs. You are the only person who can speak up for your children, don't let an egotistical man get in the way of your happiness with your children. If he tries to take the children through the legal system, you already have the advantage, as he is on drugs. I think you should make a decision for you and your children, he has obviously not done anything to help you in anyway, why should you do him any favours.

Ashley - posted on 07/06/2011

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Sounds like it might be best for your children to not be around him at all! If drugs are more important to him than his children, he doesn't deserve them. Just my opinion.

Jacks - posted on 07/05/2011

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yes ruth my case was done thru the court. but the lawyer said since it does not state that i can not leave the state that he can not stop me as long as i let him have his supervised visit with the children and i dont see that being a problem cause my mom and dad live in sc and i promised them that i will bring the kids to them so they will be supervising him with the children. they will have my children everyweekend. i know that is alot of gas money but i dont want my children not to know their grandparents or their father. i could not hurt my children like that. so i know he cant stop me that was not my concern. my concern was not letting them go to his house and hurting my children cause they wanted to go. i guess every state is different when it comes to leaving. but when i go to court on the 12th it will be said that i am leaving the state and i gave him a 3 month notice that i am leaving and why i am leaving. it is not like i am leaving so he cant see is kids i am leaving to better not only my life my kids life also. they have a better school system up there and more jobs. like i said i already got a house that is paid for so to me that is better our lives.

Ruth - posted on 07/05/2011

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If your case is thru friend of the court you do have to get permission to move out of state. I'm Michigan we have to get permission to move over 100 miles or to even leave state for a visit...

Jacks - posted on 07/04/2011

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thanks all i felt that i was in the right. but i feel so bad that my children can not spend time with their father. to see the look in their eyes when i say no you cant go it hurts me. my children are young 9,8,and my baby girl will be 7 next month. i use to let them go to their grandparents house on the weekends but april of this year their grandmother passed. so i feel that it is not safe over there. so when his mom passed i stoped letting them go. i was leaving them in her care. i even got to know the new woman in his life and if she had her children i would feel better about it but she lost her children also. the children want to spend more time with their father i just cant trust that he is off the drugs and will care for them like he should. he feels it is because his new girl (amy) is having his child but that is not it i am happy for them. just hope they dont mistreat this baby. our divorce will be over on the 12th of this month and by the end of the month i should be moved to AR. i have no family up there but i do have friends already have a house that is paid for i even said i would be in SC every weekend so he can spend his time with the children but he wants me to stay here. he evens wants me to let him get the kids all summer and every other holiday. i would not have a issue with doing so if i knew he was off the drugs. but he stood up and told a judge he would never go to drug classes and he would never leave the drugs alone..so again i know what i did is right but i feel bad that the children are hurting so much. so i guess my question should be how do i help them understand why they cant without making them feel like he didnt care enough about them to stop the drug use. cause in my eyes that is what he did. he choosed the drugs over his children. not only was thc in system but cocaine also. just wish i could help my children understand. right now i am the bad guy cause they cant go spend the night with their dad.it has been 3 years and i am still fighting this battle sometimes i just wish he would leave us alone i dont think it would hurt them as much. he dont even show up when he is suppose to for the most part and when he shows he only says 30-40 mins.have not paid a penny in child support not even buying clothes or shoes or even a toothbrush.

Alicia - posted on 07/04/2011

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Jackie- I know how you feel, I am in a similar situation with my girls' father. Do what you feel is best for your kids, good luck. :)

Janeta - posted on 07/04/2011

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I know that there is no way in hell that I would let my baby go some where where there had been drugs or there could be drugs if he didnt want them then he prob doesnt really want them now he just is trying to have power over rather or not you get to move where you want to move, If he is going to be that big of a jerk and cause issues then I would take him back to court.

Jacks - posted on 07/04/2011

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thanks all. @ alicia i said the same thing since he has had since july 09 to clean hisself up and as if yet have not done so. i have talked to lawyers and they all say that he has to go by the court order however or court order does not have a time or place where he is suppose to see the children.nor does it say i cant leave the state. i have done everything to let him be a part of the children's life i use to let him come when he wanted to now that i have set a certain dates and times he is upset. so right now i am stuck between a rock and a hard place. i dont want to keep the children from their father but i dont want to put life on hold b/c of him.

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