Am I wrong for not wanting my ex's girlfriend around our son??

[deleted account] ( 28 moms have responded )

First let me get out there that I am a teen mom. The father is 20 and I'm about to be 18. Our son is 2 and we've been broken up for little over a year. The dad has been with a few girls and has brought 2 around Tripp (our son) without my permission, never met either of them.
So here's the recent issue; the dad has been dating this one girl who is like 19. They've been together for at least 9 months (it's been awhile). I have not once met her nor will she talk to me. When they were dating for only 5 months someone informed me that they had "family pictures" done without anyone knowing about it. And of course the photographer had them all over Facebook for everyone to see. The dad and his parents think I'm wrong for not wanting her around Tripp and they think it's "unrealistic" to keep a girlfriend away. So they keep allowing their son to bring her around. So basically they really don't care. My parents also have a problem with it too.
My dad has talked to a lawyer because for some reason they all think they have a say in what Tripp does and where he goes. Which is not true. I have full custody because we weren't married when he was born.

Anyway, am I the only one who thinks any of this is wrong?? What should I do? Eventually the girlfriend would have to come around Tripp, I understand that completely. But I have never met her before and this is still continuing to this day.

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A - posted on 06/03/2014

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Jessica, that is an incredibly mature and responsible way of doing things. I wish all people could be like this.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/04/2014

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Even though the OP is no longer here, I just have to point out that statements made by Dove, Evelyn, & Michelle are spot on.

"Sole custody" DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU OWN THE CHILD.

If you 'don't like' your ex's new girlfriend, guess what? YOU DON'T HAVE ANY SAY. And, I'm sorry, but no judge is going to grant your request for supervised visits based on "I don't like his girlfriend". Grow up.

OR, continue to attempt to withhold visits based on your dislike of the new girlfriend, and be facing possible charges of attempted parental alienation and the potential loss of ANY custody except supervised visits FOR YOU...

Ev - posted on 06/03/2014

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What all of you are not really considering, is that though your ideas and wants for your children's stability of emotions and so on is good, IN the real world it just does not work that way no matter how much you insist on the things you want for your kids when they are in the care of their father. Here is an instance of my own experience: My ex and I had been barely divorced two months when out of the blue my oldest asked me what I would do or think if dad had a GF. I did not think much of it. I did not think he would have mentioned or even introduced someone new to my kids so soon. i was so wrong! That very weekend when he came to get them on an afternoon, there was this woman in the care with him. I was so floored and angry. He had been dating and had the nerve to intro our kids to this woman he did not know that well. After that I was told that on one weekend that was his, he had to work and this woman had taken MY kids to church with her Sunday morn of that weekend. They had gone to a church up near the state line. He had never introduced her to me so I had no idea even what her name was! When he came for the kids a different time, I told him in no uncertain terms that no girlfriend was to take MY kids anywhere especially since he did not know her well enough to be doing that and if he had to work that I should get first call to take them for the weekend or the hours he would work. I told him since she was not an actual relative that she had no rights to be with my kids unless I knew who she was. He tried it again a few months later on Spring Break which was his by leaving them half way across the state with a new GF he had not dated two months yet with her kids. Thank God, they were with a good person who treated them as if they were her own kids even though she was not married to their dad. He tried to withhold the phone number from me so I could not call them as I was told I could call them during breaks and such. He finally called her and had her call me and I got to talk to my kids.

My point is this: When a man has his kids on his time, he will do what he wants no matter what you might agree to. If you do not want no girlfriends around the kids, then you need to have it in writing before you sign those final papers. Its the only way to get it legal. Of course, the judge could tell you no and that is going to have to be it but really, you do not have say or control on his time. And you still do not know how many people your kids are introduced to that he or the kids do not tell you about.

Dove - posted on 06/03/2014

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lol at all the women thinking full custody means you can control anything w/ the father. I have full physical and full legal custody of my children... but when their father has his court ordered visitation time... I have ZERO control over what does and does not happen.. unless I have proof that my children are in actual danger. Lack of emotional stability does not count as danger.

Dove - posted on 06/03/2014

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lol I love it when people who have 30 posts to their name tell me what this site is and is not for. I get a real kick out of it.

I've been going through this custody/visitation mess for 6 years and I guarantee the court will not allow you to withhold visitation simply because you haven't met a girlfriend or you don't like/know who the father is bringing the kid around... UNLESS you have documented proof that there is actual danger to the child.

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Alyson - posted on 04/18/2016

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that is absolutely true! both being young, they will both go through series of relationships...even in my 30's I have gone through this mess and court and while going through court my ex picked up a crazed lunatic on the rebound that WAS dangerous to the children and harassed me for nearly a year. What is even sadder, he turned a blind eye to it all. My older daughter was 21/2 at that time and she would tell me she wanted her daddy but not the girl. One time she asked if I could punch her. It was so sickening because my little girl never spoke like this. Documenting all the harassment, the phone calls, the drive bys, the interactions with the kids, the court put in writing that specifically she could not be around the children when there was visitations on his end. Did not stop them, but she finally left the picture, not before breaking a restraining order a 3rd time and spending a night in jail. So, when he brought another woman in to their life, I was just thankful that she was not abusive to the children. Not that it worked out either, she has major control issues and he goes period of 4-6 months at a time without even speaking to the children, they are 6&7, it is very sad. Nothing though like what I went through with the earlier girlfriend and no reasons for me to pursue court. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on any mother..it is heartbreaking to be forced to hand over your children, when one cannot even communicate because she is just a baby and you know that bad things are going on. My children have no recollection of this woman, thank goodness, but I can say that my older daughter who endured abuse at her hands is very passive and does not stand up for herself. She is always scared to disappoint anyone and often cries when she does something wrong and is told that she is in the wrong. I wonder often if what she went through during those early years has an effect on her now and her very shy behavior.

Alyson - posted on 04/18/2016

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As I was a young single mother, unfortunately, this goes with the territory. You are both young and he will continue to get involved with women and the relationships will definitely not last forever. You certainly are not wrong though. It would be different if he was in a committed relationship that lasted for a decent amount of time, you would just have to swallow it and trust him that he would be in control of the situation and respect your wishes when having your son around another woman. You should be able to meet her and as long as she treats your son well and does not try to control the situation, because the child is yours and your ex's. If ever a situation where you feel the other woman is mistreating your child, you can go to court and prove your case and have it put in writing that the individual is not allowed to be around your son when your ex has visitation. I had to do that later on in life when I started all over again in my 30's. Regardless of age, even at my age, my ex's girlfriend has made sure to sever the co-parenting relationship between my ex and I due to her own insecurities, which is so unfortunate for the children. I went along with everything and their outlandish demands for a few years, but I have finally put my foot down and will not allow her to be the one to control the situation. Hang in there, you will eventually find someone and want that person around your baby as well :)

Ashley - posted on 06/05/2014

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First of all, not being married does not give u full custody automatically. If he takes your son and chooses not to return him to u there is nothing you can do until you hire an attorney and go to court or he chooses to bring him back. He is his father and has just as much as rights as you do, so dont forget that because you will get screwed by assuming you know the law. So while your son is in your custody, you need tk to go hire an attorney and file for custody and child support because if he beats you to it and already has your son in his possession when he does, then he automatically gets custody until you go to court.
Second, I dont agree that he should have multiple girlfriends around your son, just as you shouldnt have multiple boyfriends around him either. That is just confusing for the kid and will hurt him in the long run when people he builds a bond with keep disappearing from his life. However, it is not your business what he does on his time as long as he is not puttong your baby in any danger, just what you do on your time is none of his business as long as you are not putting the baby in any danger.
Now since I clarified that, when you hire a lawyer and go to court you 2 should be civil enough to make a custody agreement. But you should also add in there that he cant have the opposite sex stay the night while he has the kid and the same for you, unless/until married. I dont think you can completely stop him from having girlfriends around your son, but you certainly can talk to an attorney about that and they will tell you what you can and need to do. Good luck.

A - posted on 06/03/2014

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The difference between her meeting the new gf (9 months isn't new) and meeting the baby sitters bf is that the babysitter isn't the other parent, this guy is.

Erisreignssupreme - posted on 06/03/2014

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i think you have the right and repsonsibility to meet anyone who is around your kids or in charge of them. a teacher a babysitter a church leader ...any adult who is going to be minding your child you have the right to meet. and the responsibility. would you let your babysitter bring her boyufriend over without meeting him? i wouldnt even let my dog be around people ive never metto be honest. you can go through court orders and otehr headaches if you want. my advise would be to keep it simple and civil. say to the father that its your responsibility to meet anyone whos with your kids...maybe explain that your sure he would want to meet with your new husband if the situation was reversed. and then meet her and have a civil conversation explaining that you just want to know who the person whos around your child is. and hopefully if your not both crazy people you can both feel a bit beter about the situation. if you want to start controlling things just remember that you may want your kid to be around your new boyfriend one day and how you would like to be treated and like your boyfriend to be treated with respect and civility.

Susan - posted on 06/03/2014

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Dove, please read our posts again it may aid you for future posting.

We have never once stated that we have control over the father, nor do we wish to. We have clearly stated that we have full control over the 'custody of our children'. Big difference dear.

Please, its not a forum for nit-picking. :-)

Dove - posted on 06/03/2014

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It's been 9 months.... that's certainly long enough for it to be considered a consistent relationship and unless she is a danger to your child... not your business.

Jessica - posted on 06/03/2014

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I am a 23 year old mother to a 5 year old. My ex and I split up when our son was almost 2. We have 50/50 shared parenting. To think that the we would remain alone for the rest of our lives would be ridiculous. Our child will eventually have to see us with other people and grow to love those people.

When I say shared parenting, I mean it, we have every problem that could arise worked out and if we don't we come up with a solution.

We both waited a year after splitting up before we started actively dating. We have a "three month minimum" when it comes to who our son meets. Meaning, you must know this person, or be dating for over three months before he is allowed to meet them. This being so our son does not get confused. (He is autistic.) We also make it a point that mom is mom and dad is dad. Period. Step parents get called by their name.

I don't think you are wrong for not wanting her around your son. I just think you two need to work it out. For the sake of your child. If you were to meet her, would you be civil? Would you only ask questions concerning your child?
You have to think about how he feels about it. He probably doesn't want you throwing him under the bus and telling this girl about his past mistakes, ect. Just reassure him that that's not your intention at all. That you just want what is best for your child.

Susan - posted on 06/03/2014

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Hey Angel, my ex had to respect my wishes in the end as I had 100% full custody of our child. He never lived with us, nor did we marry. Its automatic 100% custody to mothers in this case. He wasnt happy and had to agree to my terms.

I never once used this right against him (nor should any mother), infact I only used this right for the sake of the stability and emotional well-being of our child. My child was a complete emotional mess coming between the households/him being an ass about the new gf! So please mothers, stay strong and stick to your guns and find lots of advice. Because one year on, my child couldn’t be happier, stable and sees her dad quite regularly.

He did, however, take me to court for that right, however, because he was already given lots of access, he had to lie in which to obtain a court order. This only goes against a father, so i wouldnt recommend any men doing this out of desperation. Therefore, for a while (before mediation and a change of my solicitor, it was a bit messy and ugly). Therefore, I would say that it is in every mother's interest to at least acknowledge to the father he has a right to your child (if he wants to) and to have in writing that you agree to come up with an established plan between mediator/solicitors regarding appropriate access.... And please DONT get ugly with words, etc... Always... always be sincere and respectful. Otherwise, he'll take your ass to court and use it against you and make it more messy.

A judge will be delighted that not only have you ensured the stability and emotional well-being of your child but you have maturely worked with the father-child access.

Avoid any nastiness please as it will only effect the child:-).

Susan - posted on 06/03/2014

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Oh yes I totally agree that mothers must ensure that stability is present 100% for their child!

That's wot i'm working on now with my pending court case.

My child has only ever lived in the one household, never fractured. He is asking for 50/50 when the child is 7. He also doesnt show continuity between his household and mine when he takes her for a few days every coupla weeks.

As much as some mothers agree (I do!) that decent & loving fathers must have their fair share, mothers must also ensure that the children's stability is NOT compromised for a second so the father gets it. Ive had to think long and hard about this verrrrry carefully before making my points before the mediator/judge. There will not be a 50/50 split between the households, however, i WILL strive to keep him and her close with adequate access.

A - posted on 06/03/2014

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While it may be nice for him to respect your wishes he is under no legal obligation to do so. He is just as much of a parent to the child as you are. Unless you get something in writing then you have no say what he does. Now if the child is in actual danger then yes that is an issue but the new gf being a part of the child's life is not danger.

Lindsay Lee - posted on 06/03/2014

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Im 17 and currently about to have a baby. No you are not wrong because im in the same position.. I would not want his "girlfriend" coming into my childs life especially if they have only been dating for 9 months. What kind of stability does that show your child? Absolutely none at all. My ex fiance will not be allowed to bring his new girlfriend into my childs life.. your ex should DEFINITELY be respecting the mother of his childs wishes and be keeping his girlfriend away from your little boy.

Susan - posted on 06/03/2014

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You left the forum... I hope you are ok:-). I do hope you read this thread tho, as other mothers can relate and hopefully help. Hugs

I'm nearly twice your age and i'm so grateful that I didnt have to go through what you are doing when i was yours. I doubt i would have been stronger and wiser. Then again, being a single mother empowers you and gives you strength that u never knew you had, wotever the age.

Yes, you do have full custody. Its the same here with me and my ex. However, he can file for custody rights at any time, which he is due to. Mine did.

I would talk to a mediator to work things out with him, that's what me and my ex are doing with solicitors to come up with a plan (collaborative law). It really helps. Stressful yet much better than any other means.

I didnt allow my ex's new gf in my baby's company until they were together over 10months. So I understand where you are coming from. There's alot going on inside your head and heart. its not easy for a mum to share nurturing, it really isnt! It can be scary too! I couldnt eat, sleep, cried daily for a few months at the mere thought. BUT....I found strength, and you will get there (for your child's sake), although not an overnight thing, just changing your thoughts about the whole situation is a huge positive start.

One year on, I now speak with the ex's new gf and we all have a coffee together with our child at the local cafe at times. (His 2nd house looks over mine which they stay in often). It works well for the child's sake and she gets to see that mummy is ok with this. That is what children need - the reassurance.

It took me a year to be able to love the fact that my daughter can be loved by another woman in a motherly way. I think it can be a beautiful thing. Although, at times I feel a little jealous tinge ie when they all go off as a family to the beach, i can laugh it off cos i know my little girl is safe, happy and loved at both houses. I will strive to have her emotionally stable and healthy at all costs. Had u asked me what i thought a year ago, i would have said the opposite with a few swear words.... seriously!

Through mediation, you can ask more about this woman in your ex's life. Allow him to put your worries to bed. Its wot all us mothers need. He will be building a family with this girl, so it really is in your best interest to try and work with her.

Good luck dear,
xxx

Ev - posted on 06/01/2014

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I have to agree with MIchelle. Until you have court orders, then you do not have full custody as yet.

Michelle - posted on 06/01/2014

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I have given you my opinion based on what you have told us.
Just because you haven't met her doesn't mean that you can dictate that she can't be around your son. It doesn't matter if they live next door or on the moon, the time is with his Father and it's up to his Father how that time is spent.
If you have concerns about his Father then get to court and have set visitation orders.

[deleted account]

Well technically it's not his house. He still lives with his parents. He lives right next door to me and he see's his grandparents and his dad every weekend from Friday to Monday night, but half of the time the dad isn't even home. His parents watch him more. There's a lot more things going on than just this.

I wasn't really wanting advice on legal stuff considering we aren't taking him to court yet, but as a mom wouldn't you want to know who is around your kid?? Especially when you couldn't trust the dad. Like I said there have been a lot of issues with the dad to the point where his own parents don't trust him..

Michelle - posted on 06/01/2014

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You still can't dictate what happens at the Fathers house. He can also still take you to court for more visitation.

[deleted account]

The lawyer told us I have full custody. He told us how things work in Arkanasas, so I'm going by what he told us.

Michelle - posted on 06/01/2014

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You can't dictate what the Father does when he has time with his child, unless his life is in danger.
If you want to have something written into the visitation orders regarding new girlfriends then speak with a lawyer.
Just because you weren't married doesn't automatically give you full custody. He can take you to court for shared custody/care.
My advice would be to speak to a lawyer.

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