Am I wrong for telling my son's dad i don't want our child around his girlfriend?

Noreen - posted on 08/29/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

9

0

0

well i have a court date coming up for custody.... recently me and my child's father had an agreement for our child to stay with him at his girlfriends house for saturday nights and i have always been uneasy about it(my son being there) cause my son screams bloody murder when i leave however he settles down after a while but I found myself at a dance with his girlfriend and she was shooting me dirty looks her friends were pointing and laughing at me sooo i obviously felt anger so i stopped drinking(don't do this much) so i didn't sink to their level and after thinking about it .....do i really want my son there at her house like if she can act that way towards me how is she acting towards my son?? Am i wrong for telling my son's father i don't want our son around his girlfriend???

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Joanna - posted on 09/01/2012

29

0

0

I hope you are doing well. I really feel for you as I am unable to trust my ex too. I keep thinking of you & wanted to make another suggestion. It bothers me that you mentioned you had to pick your child up because of arguing. This woman sounds antagonistic. I think you need some strategies to take care of yourself around this woman & also your untrustworthy ex. When he is calling you paranoid instead of addressing your concerns about his current partner & your child's needs he shows his true colours. Be careful of how you interact if he is blaming you for things. My advice is to get some counselling & as much support as you can as much of your journey will be about managing people who don't prioritise your baby as you do. A lawyer is there for legal matters but cannot support you in dealing with emotional fall out and your social balancing act. At $200 p hr I'd structure what you say to them about outcomes. But for the practical matters of life & burdens of the heart reach out to as much support as you can get. Proffesional, family, friends,services, books & articles -just look after yourself.

Joanna - posted on 08/31/2012

29

0

0

Frame EVERYTHING in the childs interests. Commenting on how she treats you will only diminish your power. Remain in control. Good on you for pulling up stumps with the drinking & not being reeled in. If there is no court orders I'd let the Dad see your child in a public place &/or with you until more of a routine is established. I am curious as to why you did agree to Sat nights at the gf's place & not the Dad's. Perhaps it might be suggested that he schedule seeing his gf either at his or not while he has the kid. How is this affecting the kid? Write everything down. Go with your gut after all it's your baby.

Martha - posted on 08/31/2012

25

0

0

@ Sailer, Custody it is depends on the state she lives on. Some states authomatically the custody is to the mother. Then for the kids sake she can make it legal so if anything happen to her, she can dictate who takes cares of the child.

Now, as her mother, yes, she does have a saying where the child can go or not. If is a place that is not good for the kids emotional, psicologycal and development, she does have a say.

We have a client her kids father was from Jamaica he picked up his daugther for the weekends but used to live her with others so he can go out wiht his girlfriend. Now, it is up to the mother if she can let him see the child. When you show the right cards, the law will protect you unless you get a dirty judge. But normally, you are the mother.

Try to get the girlfriend out of any court appearance. She is a girlfriend not a wife, neither as married, she will have any saying unless she has proof you are unfitted. Now, clubbing when you have a custody battle, i will sugest DO NOT DO IT. She can take pictures of you and give it to your ex- to get points which later he can use them in court.

PLUS, you do not need to be clubbing,

Trust me if you get enough proof that he is not fitted you can dictate everything that can protect your child, now if you get it DO NOT ABUSE IT.

Think only on the sake of your kid you have to be a parent not matter what your kids best interest are to be FIRST.

So do not see the man as your ex. see him as your child father.

Lacye - posted on 08/30/2012

889

0

221

Does your ex live with this new girlfriend? If he does then there's not much you can really do. It's his time with your son and he can (unfortunately) take his child around her as long as she is not physically abusing him. You may not like the girl because she is a cunt bitch but she is who your ex is choosing for the time being. You can express your concerns to him the next time you see your ex and see what he says about it but from experience with my husband's ex, that could possibly blow up in your face. Just ignore the hussy and her friends when you are out in public. It's obvious they are pretty pathetic people if they are having fun talking shit about a person they don't even know.

Julie - posted on 09/02/2012

126

21

7

Let us know how you go Noreen! Don't forget to have your reasons for the request organised (his showing extreme distress, the woman's antagonistic behaviour towards you, particularly in the presence of the child, etc).



If you have evidence of this (video maybe? voice? an organised journal kept) it might go for you as well?

18 Comments

View replies by

Noreen - posted on 09/02/2012

9

0

0

thanks I have spoke to some people and I am told i can request a "no third party interaction" which means it's just him and our son. His dad and I have court again on the 14th and i will again bring it up because i am not going to back down this is my child and i will do everything to protect him

Julie - posted on 09/01/2012

126

21

7

Oh man, that must be so hard on you both, because he can't articulate what is upsetting him- is it just that he knows he's going to be away from mum or is it something else? :( I know a lot of cases here have not allowed overnight visits away from the main caregiver until the age of 2-3; maybe, if after all this time he is still upset, you can suggest something similar and just leave the visits as day visits until he's old enough to have the sleepovers explained and dad has his own space? It's hard to rely on a third party as the place of residence for your child too when you don't know the person, their lifestyle and have already been treated with aggression/disrespect (especially in front of your child). I wish you the best of luck, let us know how you all go, I hope things improve!

Noreen - posted on 09/01/2012

9

0

0

he is 17 months and the only thing he does is cries as soon as he sees his dad's gf's place or when he sees dad.

Julie - posted on 08/31/2012

126

21

7

How old is your child Noreen? Has he said anything to you about his time with them?

Noreen - posted on 08/31/2012

9

0

0

im from canada and he's from michigan and i don't trust him taking our son to the states because what can i do if he decides he don't want to give him back??? however he isn't on the birth certificate and i agreed to having him at his gf's cause he has always assured me he is ok when he is there but as i said before something is saying things are not right and whenever i do address the issue with his dad his dad tells me im just being paranoid.... this is my first and going to be my only child so im trying my hardest to do things right for him. I did discuss my concern with duty coucil this morning but he kind of just shurged it off, so i have an appointment to go back to mediation to review our agreement to see if it is going to stay or if we need to go back and work on a new agreement. Thanks for your input it is greatly appreciated

Noreen - posted on 08/31/2012

9

0

0

thanks ladies and i am 29 and my ex and his gf are around 36 and technically i do have custody his father is not on the birth certificate or any other documents he just started coming into our son's life 1 year ago today so it has been a rocky journey to say the least. I do have our son 90% of the time and we were just at a mediator a 2 weeks ago and he lowered his visits from every saturday to every other saturday and i will not allow my son to travel to the states with his father (where he is from) so we agreed to have him at his gf's and then last weeked she acted like that towards me but she has for the last 3 months acted like that towards me even in front of our son and nothing has been done and if i say anything im the bad person so i just left it but after the weekend and lots of thinking i do believe for now it is best not to have my son near her i have talked to my ex's family and they all have told me he has never acted like that about his children (he has one other one)

Kristin - posted on 08/30/2012

356

0

92

Hoow old is your son? My son stills screams and cries when I leave the house to run to the store and I leave him home with my husband.

my husbands ex use to hatee me cause the Kids liked me so much. She hated sending the kids over to our house because of me.

You have no say where your son spends the night when he is with your husband. You don't have a court ordered custody agreement so when the farther is with your son, he clan go wherever. Legally he doesn't have to give your son back to you when he has them recuse there is no court ordered agreement.

with the girlfriend, just settle drown. Pointing and laughing at you can't hurt you so don't even stress. Sounds like they are jut being fools.

and just because she is eking fun of you doesn't mean she is doing your son wrong.

Angel - posted on 08/30/2012

5

18

0

Noreen, I'm going through something very similar to your situation and I think that as long as you have these feelings you have to back them up.Always trust your gut when it comes to your childs safety or wellbeing because only You know what it feels like to be your sons mother.

Angel - posted on 08/30/2012

5

18

0

Noreen, I'm going through something very similar to your situation and I think that as long as you have these feelings you have to back them up.Always trust your gut when it comes to your childs safety or wellbeing because only You know what it feels like to be your sons mother.

Amanda - posted on 08/30/2012

11

0

0

First off, how old are all of you? This whole situation seems really immature. Good for you to stop drinking, as alcohol can cause you to do things you wouldn't otherwise do. I believe you should have a conversation with your ex about her behavior and what you can all do to get along. If she is going to be in the picture for a while, she needs to build a relationship with the woman who he is going to stay with.



Why is your son not staying at your ex's home instead of his current girlfriend's? That's odd. I probably would never allow that until he had been with his girlfriend for a while and I knew something about the woman's character. You can't prevent everything from happening, though. If your child is screaming, which could be completely normal as if you have him for a longer duration, then he is getting uneasy because you're leaving him and he knows this. Is your child old enough to tell you what he does at your ex's?



I would ask him to be kept somewhere else until you can all reach a common agreement and can be in the same place at once without shooting dirty looks and acting like kids! That's not healthy for anyone, especially the kid.

Noreen - posted on 08/30/2012

9

0

0

yes i am going to because i did on one occation have to come get him due to them arguing everything has been going good except the last few months its been getting more and more stressfull with everything

Lacye - posted on 08/30/2012

889

0

221

Just remember that child visitation is a very stressful thing on all parties. My husband and I have been going through this with his ex for the past 3 years and it is hard. Just keep you head up. Oh and if he does not live with her, I think you can request for your son not to go over to her house. I'm not really sure to be honest but you might want to discuss your concerns with your lawyer and see what he or she says about that.

Noreen - posted on 08/30/2012

9

0

0

he does not live with her and i have tried to talk to him about it but she has denied it all and said it was me so rather argue with him i just said ok whatever and gave in however i am talking to duty council tomorrow morning to address the issue and after a year this baby boy should not still be screaming like that when i leave him i have suspecions but no hard proof of anything but thanks for the help

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms