An inconsistent dad.

C - posted 5 days ago ( 1 mom has responded )

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I'm struggling with a decision. I have 2 boys with me ex. We were together for about 6 years and I finally left... (and married an amazing man) because I couldn't stand how selfish and lazy he was and how all.the parenting was left to me. Well now that we've been "co parenting" for almost 3 years now and I use that term loosely... he's started not seeing the kids on a regular basis anymore. Before, our arrangement was solely agreed on because he thought he would have to pay less child support if he had them half of the time. During that time my oldest was getting bad behavior reports in school, his work wouldn't be done and papers wouldn't be signed when his dad had him. I finally got him to agree to and understand that routine and stability is very important during the school year and I have proven my point, he's doing well in school and has had no bad behavior reports. He originally agreed to have 2 weekends consecutively a month and they would be with me the rest of the time. That was 4 months ago and he's only seen them 3 times. He keeps blaming his job and we have been on very good communicating terms... but... the first time, he went a month and a half without seeing them, no texts to me about them, no calls to talk to them, didn't even call on my oldests birthday. He hasn't stuck to his end of the agreement (the 2 weekends a month) but expects me to let him see them when it's convenient for him. I hate this term but it's my best description to put in perspective... he treats me like I'm the on call babysitter... that I'm supposed to fill the void when he's too busy. I have no problem being the consistent one in their life.. (their step dad is there for them also) but now holidays are coming up and I have the feeling that's when he's going to want them which I think is unfair to me and the boys. He shouldn't be able to have special days if he can't even make time to see them any other time... also a little background on him... he got married to someone the kids barely knew(i have yet to meet her) the kids weren't involved in the wedding, weren't even told about it until after the fact. He's also decided he's going out of state for Christmas and hasn't even told the kids or discussed it with them. He moved far away from their school and also took a job that he knew wouldn't be flexible for family time. One things he's been consistent at, is making decisions without factoring in the kids. So after all that... should I give him an ultimatum to either stick to his agreement and be consistent, or tell him that the boys are better off without him rather than seeing him sporadically? And I say this because my oldest is extremely smart and has already lost interest in seeing his dad... he's only 7... my youngest hasn't been affected, yet, but I'd like to prevent that also. Needing some help here. Thanks

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Meghan - posted 3 days ago

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I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I myself have a three month old and face many of the same obstacles. I try explaining that “being busy” isn’t an excuse to not be a parent. I don’t know if you have a legal visitation schedule, but if you don’t.. I’ve spoken to a lawyer and he said that if the father refuses to see the children during his allotted time then you can go before a judge and say that he isn’t exercising his parental rights and a change needs to be made. Make sure you are communicating about childcare through email and that can be used during court. Bottom line, his children shouldn’t fit into his life just when he wants. You have put so much time and energy into raising them and if he doesn’t want to step up your current husband will. Before you make an ultimatum make sure you have documentation that he is not consistent or there for your children then go to court. He will have to suck it up and pay appropriate child support. My heart is with you, it’s so hard seeing your children suffer because of the other parent’s selfishness. I’m sure your children know how much you care!

Michelle - posted 5 days ago

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I agree with Dove.
You need to get court orders stating when he has the children. If he then doesn't show up you can go back to court and show them that he isn't fulfilling his side of the orders.
Since he is so inconsistent you need to document everything.

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