and all around bad attitude?? Or...is it just the age??

Sarah - posted on 01/15/2009 ( 43 moms have responded )

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My daughter acts like she hates my guts and is always highly disrespectful to me. She is 11 years old and thinks she knows everything!! Is there any relief from the constant talking back and snotty looks?? Bad attitude is the worst problem!! She is also very lazy...is it just the age??

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Xiaoling - posted on 06/07/2011

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It's a growing up process,but you need to discipline them,and take in control,that you are" the mom" not any friends that they can be rude with, because if you don't, they will not know how to respect people outside their home, respect will always start from home.lazy is something you can handle too, make them do things everyday like washing dishes, laundry and if they don't then punish them ,alot of ways to punish them,like don't allow them to play or go out or watch tv ,what ever they like take it away from them.they will learn to respect and be grateful.

Paulette - posted on 01/26/2009

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Hi Sarah, I was thinking about children and thought about your thread. When our children are young say 4-6 yrs we try to teach them to respect our authority...not letting them yell at us, hit or scream, nor disobiendence. This segways into life with parents, law enforcement, etc.  It is an ongoing process.  But it is a basic foundation we lay early on and ways we use just need adjusted as they grow older. Children always are trying to test the limits to which we set. If I were you I would have a talk with her and let her know that she is entitled to her anger, fustration and many other moods. But let her know that she has to find a better way of venting it. (i.e. exercise, videos, writing, etc.) That even though you are her mom that you have feelings too and because you are her mother that you deserve respect too. She needs to take time to think over what she wants or needs and why you might or might not give it to her.  Then she can come to you and talk in a calm manner with no yelling or screaming and giving you a chance to make up your mind. Let her know if she does this it shows how mature she is and if her reasoning/arguement is good and well thought out...It could help her get her way and she needs to realize though it isn't always going to be her way either. I would let her know that the road to becoming an adult is a long one and it isn't always easy. These are just my suggestions and I hope this helps and that you have a good day. Take care.

Cazie - posted on 01/17/2009

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Quoting Sarah:

and all around bad attitude?? Or...is it just the age??

My daughter acts like she hates my guts and is always highly disrespectful to me. She is 11 years old and thinks she knows everything!! Is there any relief from the constant talking back and snotty looks?? Bad attitude is the worst problem!! She is also very lazy...is it just the age??



My daughter is 15 and we are only just talking in a normal way again!!! This has been since the age of 10/11 when the attitude started. We didnt speak it was just rows and bitching and i found myself acting like a complete child at times!!! Over the last year we have built things back up again and have a freindship forming which is great. She still has her moments believe me - I find it hard not to slap her some days, it is a hard age as they are still children yet on the verge of teenage years and finding themselves. Remember your self as a teenager??!! I do lol I moan at my daughter on a daily basis about her room - its a disgrace, lazy - my daughters middle name is lazy. Its her age and it will continue for a few years yet, she will have moments when things are ok for a while and then all hell breaks lose again!! Just bite your lip, keep those boundries intact but remind yourself it is prob the hardest few years of her life!! Hormones and all!!! Good luck

Shelley - posted on 01/16/2009

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Yea i think it is just the age.My daughter is the same age and acts the same way!! Its hard when ur child give u attitude and no respect but i think it just a hormone thing or something.I tried all the advise i been given by people like spending some quality time together and all that but she great for a day or so after then goes back 2 the way she was before. I think she wil grow out of it , well i hope she does!! x

Lynn - posted on 01/16/2009

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Yes it is the age, Roo is still doing it at 13. However that doesn't mean there shouldn't be consequenses, rude behavior is rude even when you can blame hormones. Pick the battles though or it will become all out war. It's always hardest between moms and daughters as they try to assert thier independents also. My husband use to try to mediate, now he just backs away. They also fight the most with us because thier hormones are crazy, they need an outlet and they know we will still love them.

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JuLeah - posted on 06/07/2011

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No .... we make a lot of excuses for teens in this country, all the while forgetting that we invented the concept.

Teens are different, but in other cultures and throughout history were not mean, self centered, rude, lazy, or lacking accountablity .... we accept that behvaior, encourgae it even.

I would take a close look at her diet. Is she eating sugar, junk food, processed foods? How much sleep is she getting? She ought to be getting 10 hr or so a night.

What is she involved in? Passionate about? What does she excell at? Where does she contrubite? What does she do that adds value to the world/community? Service projects? Volunteer?

What about her friends? Are they positive, up beat kids?

People that think they know everything are people very frightened that they really know nothing.

Snotty looks keeps people at a distance, which is where you want them when you are too frightened to admit how colse you really want to be.

She doesn't sound happy.

Nancy - posted on 06/07/2011

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LOL...where has the time gone...It is a phase...My daughter use to be this way too. However, if my daughter was too disrespectful I would take something away she really liked. There still have to be some respect in the household. Also, do you know the saying...Kids always hate the ones they love the most!!

Paulette - posted on 01/26/2009

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Hi Sarah, I was thinking about children and thought about your thread. When our children are young say 4-6 yrs we try to teach them to respect our authority...not letting them yell at us, hit or scream, nor disobiendence. This segways into life with parents, law enforcement, etc.  It is an ongoing process.  But it is a basic foundation we lay early on and ways we use just need adjusted as they grow older. Children always are trying to test the limits to which we set. If I were you I would have a talk with her and let her know that she is entitled to her anger, fustration and many other moods. But let her know that she has to find a better way of venting it. (i.e. exercise, videos, writing, etc.) That even though you are her mom that you have feelings too and because you are her mother that you deserve respect too. She needs to take time to think over what she wants or needs and why you might or might not give it to her.  Then she can come to you and talk in a calm manner with no yelling or screaming and giving you a chance to make up your mind. Let her know if she does this it shows how mature she is and if her reasoning/arguement is good and well thought out...It could help her get her way and she needs to realize though it isn't always going to be her way either. I would let her know that the road to becoming an adult is a long one and it isn't always easy. These are just my suggestions and I hope this helps and that you have a good day. Take care.

Paulette - posted on 01/26/2009

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Hi Sarah, I was thinking about children and thought about your thread. When our children are young say 4-6 yrs we try to teach them to respect our authority...not letting them yell at us, hit or scream, nor disobiendence. This segways into life with parents, law enforcement, etc.  It is an ongoing process.  But it is a basic foundation we lay early on and ways we use just need adjusted as they grow older. Children always are trying to test the limits to which we set. If I were you I would have a talk with her and let her know that she is entitled to her anger, fustration and many other moods. But let her know that she has to find a better way of venting it. (i.e. exercise, videos, writing, etc.) That even though you are her mom that you have feelings too and because you are her mother that you deserve respect too. She needs to take time to think over what she wants or needs and why you might or might not give it to her.  Then she can come to you and talk in a calm manner with no yelling or screaming and giving you a chance to make up your mind. Let her know if she does this it shows how mature she is and if her reasoning/arguement is good and well thought out...It could help her get her way and she needs to realize though it isn't always going to be her way either. I would let her know that the road to becoming an adult is a long one and it isn't always easy. These are just my suggestions and I hope this helps and that you have a good day. Take care.

Tiffany - posted on 01/26/2009

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My daughter is only 4 but I have 2 cousins that are 11 and 13 that live next door to us so we are around them on a daily basis & they are the exact same way. And of course it drives my aunt & uncle nuts. So, I do believe that it has alot to do with this age group. Also, kids nowdays seem to be starting puberty alot earlier than we did so I think hormones may come into play here as well. Your daughter is probably testing her limits with you as well as struggling to find her independence and who she is. It's up to you to draw the line here & make sure she knows there are consequences for disrespecting you. And if she wants to act like a little grown up give her more responsibility :). My mother still picks at me that I was a lazy child at this stage but this is when she taught me to do my own laundry, got me involved with helping cook dinner & other chores.

Kendra - posted on 01/26/2009

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I think it is just the age.My daughter is the same age and acts the same way.I think her 2 favorite words are no and why,i thought that stage ended about the age of 3.It is very hard sometimes. I have a 4 year old son also,and my daughter is constantly saying i love him more,he gets everything he wants,etc. They definently  know how to push your buttons and make you feel awful. I think our biggest problem is we dont have enough one on one time so maybe you could try that.If you figure anything else out and could share with me id appreciate it.Good Luck!! :)

Sharon - posted on 01/26/2009

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Have things gotten any better in the past week? The comments posted by the others have great advice in them. Most important things to do are: structure, clearly stating expectations, not over reacting, go through with punishment when she acts disrespectful or talks back, but give rewards and praise when she makes good decisions and is not being disrespectful. No matter what any child says, they look to a parent for routine, structure, honesty, and communication. Good luck.

Coleen - posted on 01/21/2009

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Yes it is some of the age.  I don't know if you have relaionship with the Lord or not but he talked to me 18 years ago about my daughters and there attitude.  He brought it to my attion about the age they was and aked me what age I was when I stared my ( . ) and it was about there age. PMS. time, so I sat down with the both of my girls and talked to them about what was going to happen to them and there amotions that they would have.  I also told them I loved them but When I had enough they better learn to back down becaue of my PMS. or thay would pay the cost.  My oldest took it to heart, and we got along well but my 2nd we butt heads alot and she even wrote on her bedroom wall that she hated me.  Now she is a Mom of 3, and we have agreat relationship and she tells me she don't know how I did't with 3 of them so close together.  It was the Lord.  I prayed a lot and I put them all in Gods hands.  I hope this will be helpfull to you.



You will be in my prayers Coleen

Cheryl - posted on 01/20/2009

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My daughter is 12, is it 2-fold, yes, it is the age but also it is also what we as Mom's allow our children to "get away with".  I come from a family that I am the youngest of 3, my older brother is now 50, my sister is 45 & I, the baby am 35.  I can tell you that my mom's form of attitude adujstment would have been us picking our teeth up out of the neighbor's yard next week when our bodies caught up to our mouth.  (figuratively, not literally) However, I fear my mother, but not in the sense that you hear about today.  I feared my mother out of respect; she never gave me discipline I didn't deserve, and she gave me love every day.  I, as a mom try to take her example as a lead and modify it to be politically correct, but I must admit, that I often times believe that we as a society have allowed a generation or two of children to think or believe they are in control of the household versus the way it should be, we as parents have to figure out a way to be in control, and teach respect and set consequences for unacceptable behavior.  There is no "magic" trick, for me growing up, all it took was a look, because I was witness to my mom in action.  (God rest her soul - in my opinion, she was the BEST!)

Angie - posted on 01/20/2009

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It must be the age! This caught my eye because I have a 10 year old who does the exact same. I know my daughter is going through puberty, but the rolling the eyes and the mouth are frustrating!! :)

Samantha - posted on 01/20/2009

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i really do think it is the age my lilttle girl is 10 and she is behaving the same exact way. i try to make her understand that it is hurtful. she just seems not to care so my solution, for every nasty remark for every eye rolling look i just take something away from her that she enjoys. it gets the message across a little, but it is working. we have to let them know there are consequnces for the way they act towards us.

KayCee - posted on 01/20/2009

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Oh Sarah, I feel for you.  I teach 5th grade and have met many parents at their wit's end...  It always begins right around the time they turn 11.  The teacher part of me wants to tell you to keep an eye on who she's influenced by in school, because if you can keep her from spending too much time with the wrong kids, it will be easier on you for the next few years.  Kids follow each other at this point, and are less affected by what we have to say.  I agree with the other posters- be consistent, set up boundaries, and try not to take it personally- she does love you, and is just too self-absorbed right now to see outside of her own little world.  Hope this phase doesn't last too long!

Tina - posted on 01/20/2009

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Dear Sarah,
I am sorry you are going through this. How she always acted this way towards you or is this new? If it has been for a long time, it will take a long time to change this behavior. What does your husband say about this? Start taking privllages away from her when she acts this way. You can also seek counseling in your area. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Good luck.

[deleted account]

I skimmed through some of the many replies below and there was definately some great feedback.  I wanted to throw in 1 more piece, as a clinician.  First, you have to evaluate yourself, what am I willing to tolerate versus what am I willing to let go.  Next, you have to lay this all out for her and set the ground rules.  E.G. You can be angry and I will respect when you are angry at me, what I won't toerate is ABC.  Finally, you have to identify what are the consequences for not respecting the ground rules and stick to those.  I often hear many parents say that they give in b/c "its just easier" than the constant questioning, nagging, etc.  And, remember that you also have to stick to whatever ground rules are laid!  Good luck!!

[deleted account]

I remember this stage! The important thing I was told, was not to take it too personally. They are testing their wings....What worked for me was letting her know that I understood how independent she wanted to be, but we had to agree on boundaries. lack of respect for me doesn't allow freedoms.......I guess it came down to the old "I will give you privileges when you show me you can deal with them with integrity" Lipping me off is childish behavior and then I can treat you like a child. ( I tried arguing in the beginning....and found it didn't work...Just opens another power struggle.) Now I calmly say to her "State your case" and we take it from there......and dialog is opened. We usually reach a compromise. Tantrums on both sides of the fence are not uncommon, but have decreased drastically.

Good luck! You're not alone! :)
She is now 15 and still tries to test the limits.......

Tamara - posted on 01/20/2009

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it is the age; it is the puberty;it is the influence of peers and society BUT I believe strongly that we should not tolerate this. We are not here to be their friends; we are here to teach them right and wrong. The most effective type of discipline comes from a base of love. Thru love we can teach them acceptable behaviour regardless of their feelings or their hormones or what their "friends" do.  The boss doesn't care about your hormones; the police don't care if  you are speeding  because your "friend" told you to. I coach my daughter's bball team. she is one of the better players and I benched her because she talked back to me from the court and yelled at me on the bench ( rolling her eyes/being sarcastic). It is hard but regardless of the who or the why or the when, inappropriate behaviour should not be tolerated. There should be consequences for their actions... both good and bad.  This is so hard and it is NOT fun but my job is to help build in my children the characters that I admire; that  will carry them thru all of life's battles and that will help them enjoy and appreciate what hard work and strong morals can bring to their life. We are thier most important influence and teacher. Because we do love them unconditionally, they can make mistakes with us and we will still be there. That kind of patience and love doesn't happen in the real world.  If they don't respect thier mom, how much easier will it be to disrespect others??

Diane - posted on 01/20/2009

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Hi Sarah

Yes, I believe it is the age I have a 10 1/2 year old daughter and anytime she asked to put her property in it's place I get snotty talking back, faces and she puts it in another place not where it belongs thinking I can't see it.

Thais - posted on 01/20/2009

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Yes, unfortunatley it is the age, they are starting puberty and have a bit of a chemical inbalance. I haev an 11 year old boy right now and he debates me in everything, questions me and is lazy unless he wants something. We have a chore list that has points to earn money, rather then just giving them money(allowance) or going out an dbuying what they want- such as birthday parties etc. So if they want to go to a b-day party or buy soemthing special, they have to have earned it by doing house chores. If they havent, then they dont go. I was suggested by a friend to do Character building for my daughter who at 12 went through this. Well her summer was made up of hanging with mom and dad and very strict action, with very little movement and lots of boundaries. She didnt see friends, she wasnt allowed sleepovers and she was not allowed to talk on the phone or anything. We had to help her become who she wanted to be, not the influence of other kids who think it is cool to talk to their parents the way they do, like they own them. It is a phase, but if it isnt kicked in the butt, then look out for the teenage years. I am now doing the Character building with my son, because he was acting like he was a gangster, talking rude, debating me, saying things that weren't true, running off to his friends without asking and then having them lie. So far into week 2 he is starting to calm down some. The sarcasm is less, and he talks to me in a different tone. He also is starting to do his chores. There is hope, but it takes a lot of patience, discipline on both parts and maybe a lack of sleep, but it is all worth it. Keep me posted, it isnt always perfect, but it helped me.

Betty - posted on 01/20/2009

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My 8year old grand-daughter has been going through this "bad attitude" and "everybody hates me" for over a year now. We have been to the Dr and have been told to keep a diary of foods and temper tantrums/screaming fights. Personally I wondered if she might be going through precocious puberty. Another appointment with the Dr. next month with the diary and possible exploration of hormone levels! Hoping for the best.

User - posted on 01/20/2009

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Bad attitude, it comes with age.  Rememer yourself at that age.  My 7 year old is already showing sighns of it.  Good luck!

Wendy - posted on 01/19/2009

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There is a book out called: Princess Bitchface Syndrome... It is about raising girls. It just might help. I forget the author, but believe it to be an Aussie one. Good luck.

Charmaine - posted on 01/17/2009

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i have a ten yearold daughter and i know the feeling. It's hormones, dear. Don't you know that as our children get older, we get dumber?Lol. Call her on her behavior. Dont' worry, she'll like you again someday after graduation!We all just do the best we can, hon.

Shelley - posted on 01/16/2009

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Yea i think it is just the age.My daughter is the same age and acts the same way!! Its hard when ur child give u attitude and no respect but i think it just a hormone thing or something.I tried all the advise i been given by people like spending some quality time together and all that but she great for a day or so after then goes back 2 the way she was before. I think she wil grow out of it , well i hope she does!! x

Shelley - posted on 01/16/2009

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Yea i think it is just the age.My daughter is the same age and acts the same way!! Its hard when ur child give u attitude and no respect but i think it just a hormone thing or something.I tried all the advise i been given by people like spending some quality time together and all that but she great for a day or so after then goes back 2 the way she was before. I think she wil grow out of it , well i hope she does!! x

Lisa - posted on 01/16/2009

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I have one too that is like that and is not nice about most things. I have a almost 14 y/o who does it too but not as often. At least we can all relate to this one....

Lois - posted on 01/16/2009

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Yes it's the age my Daughters 17 now and is sooo much better then she was when she was younger, so be reassured they do grow out of it but it takes a bit of time and a lot of learning from both sides, 



 

Dominique - posted on 01/15/2009

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it's probably because she is going to be going through puberty soon and the hormones are flying. I remember i wasnt easy to handle when i was going through it. just let her know that you are there for her when she feels like talking, i appreciated it and im sure she will too.

Susie - posted on 01/15/2009

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Quoting Sarah:

and all around bad attitude?? Or...is it just the age??

My daughter acts like she hates my guts and is always highly disrespectful to me. She is 11 years old and thinks she knows everything!! Is there any relief from the constant talking back and snotty looks?? Bad attitude is the worst problem!! She is also very lazy...is it just the age??



I think it is the age.  I have a ten year old daughter and she is trying to do that now.  My kids are pretty spoiled so I just point out that all their luxuries (ballet, hip hop, ice skating and piano lessons) will disappear as well as some of the things that she finds essential to her life.  That tactic usually works for awhile but it is definetly a cycle



Good luck

Jennifer - posted on 01/15/2009

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It's the age!  They all have bad attitudes!  You have to make them like you enough to at least want to please you.  That's the best advice I know.

Paulette - posted on 01/15/2009

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Oh yea Sarah, As far as being lazy...I would tell her if she wants to be treated like the almost teenager to adult she is, then she needs to do things like an adult would. I would say that for each thing you want her to do around the house...she needs to do it and earn an allowance at the end of the week or two weeks like she is earning a salary. Most adults do not get paid daily or in the middle of the week even if they want something special at the store. Adults have to keep a house and their rooms so that kind of thing is expected of her. If she does not do anything around the home on monday then she does not get a salary/allowance for that day, etc.

Paulette - posted on 01/15/2009

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Hi Sarah, It is the age and if we all think back it is around the age when periods start and the hormones are then active like they should be because she is changing. Don't we get moody and irritable especially around our the 3rd week in our cycles? She is also at a time when they notice boys, hope they look good for the boys and the picky other girls who possibly could pick on them if it matters to them, they are not little for much longer and are going toward thoughs teen years trying to sort it out. They definately do not want to be treated like a child. There's parties, friends to make and school work to handle.  Today more than ever the peer pressure to do a lot of things...sex, drugs and alcohol, petty crime stuff that I am sure some parents don't know about. I have heard of an 8 yr old smoking cigarettes and more. Individually these things are tough to handle but together it has to be overwhelming. I agree with Stephanie Wheeler...family counseling and have a girls' day out where the two of you can talk, bond and build a friendship in addition to being mother and daughter. I would let her know that she can come to you with anything at all. Let her know that you won't always be happy with what you hear, but you are willing to listen. That you might need time to take it in and calm down but you will then talk to her again and let her know you decision(s). That is my suggestions and I hope that helps some. Take care.

Lady - posted on 01/15/2009

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yes is the age... i know i was like that!! My poor mother :,-(. Just dont show her that she gets to you cause its like a furl for her attitude

Jennifer - posted on 01/15/2009

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This is definately the age. I have a 16 and a 13 year old girls plus 3 more younger. For me it has been best to understand their personality and not take it personally. Each of them have had things that are really hard to deal with. Often the worse the attitude the more they just really needed consistant one on one time having fun. (not normal everday time) At 11, they needed me but also couldn't stand the fact that they needed me. It will get better just set a standard of what behavior is ok and what won't then offer time out with you as a bonus. That way you stay connected and they don't feel rejected.

CaryAnn - posted on 01/15/2009

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Yes it's the age. My dd is almost 12 right now and does the exact same thing. However I have a short fuse for backtalk and eye rolling so it doesn't happen much and never without consequence...

Chris - posted on 01/15/2009

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My daughter is 15 about to be 16 and it has gotten better, but SLOWLY.  She is our loose cannon and we just give her space.  My husband is beter at tolerating her attitude than I am.  She was such a sweet wonder little girl, but when she hit 11, I thought I might kill her and save the world from her wrath.  :-)  Like I said, I was lucky to have met my (now) husband at that time, and he has really helped us both by being able to diffuse the situation before it escalates.  If it helps, my mother tells me that it will last until she is around 20 something, and then she will realize how wonderful you are.  GOOD LUCK!!

User - posted on 01/15/2009

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I think it has something to do with the age as children at this age are asserting their independence.  They still need mom, but only on their terms.  My daughter will be 11 in a few months and she occasionally acts the same way.  Some days I struggle just to communicate with her.  I think the best policy is to insist on respectful behavior and if that doesn't happen then take away a much loved priviledge.  And mean what you say.  Kids at this age thrive on structure and love.  It may feel like walking through a fire pit right now, but it will be worth it when she's a teenager.  Good luck to us both!  :)

Stefanie - posted on 01/15/2009

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i know when i was 11 i was pretty much the same. im pretty sure its just the age if your really worried about it or she really starts to act out in negative ways i would go to family counsiling together and see if you can resolve the issues. unfortunatly if she is like most teenage(tween) its going to go on for a while. it might almost help just you and her having some quality time together like maybe a day of shopping and then dinner and a movie so you guys can kind of get to know each other again. You could also try talking to her about it(im sure you have already tried this) and see how see responds. i hope everything works out for the best!!!:):)

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