ANGER!!

[deleted account] ( 21 moms have responded )

My boyfriend and the child of his mother have 50/50 custody. At first we were trying for full but she came to agreement where we'd do 50/50. As I've said in a precious post I love my stepson but since we have 50/50 custody I feel like my boyfriend and I should have alone time. I wanted full custody they chose not to do it. Not that I wanted to be mom or keep him mom away from him, but because she used him as leverage. Now, one full week we have him the next week she has him. However, her job is a Sunday-Thursday 3rd shift. My job I work 2nd shift but Monday and Tuesday I work 3rd shift then a double 6pm-7am. So my boyfriend and I don't see eachother for 24 hours at one point in the week. He's gone all morning due to work. Recently graduated but before a month ago he was gone from 7:30am-10:00pm so we never really seen eachother. So as I was saying now we get my stepson everyday on our week which I love my time with him then we get him on her weeks at 9:30pm-7:30am. Really cuts into my boyfriend and I's quality time. By time I get home from work at 11 he's exhausted from work and exhausted from his son so he's half asleep spending time with me for an hour. And if he's fully awake complains he needs to go to sleep. Like today for example I work 11pm-7am and he usually has time to come home and take a nap before he gets his son on this week. His mother blew the engine in her car so my boyfriend is picking him up and dropping him off on her week. So we didn't have any time to us. I know when you have kids you sacrifice your "me" time. I fully understand that. That's why I refuse to have children of my own, because I'm not ready to give me up yet. However since we have joint custody we should be able to have time right? Once again this is doing extra things for his child's mother and neglecting me... I don't know what to do anymore.

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Erica - posted on 11/26/2013

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Us women we all need to put date night on our list of things to do like sat. or our days off clear our plans we have. an go out have fun With your honey.what ever it may be that floats your boat.i love going the movies maybe dinner.get home in get in a bubble with my hubby .get out do my hair put on my fish nets in you know the rest.lets have valentine day as much as we can stop waiting for our men in take charge sometimes trust me you will love it. In if money is low put the kids to bed early in order a movie cuddle up get your snack ready like your at a movie in run bubble bath play some sexy songs do a little foot massage.get out do your hair put on your freak um close on in have fun.this is Erica Negron Ladies Enjoy Yourself

Jodi - posted on 11/26/2013

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All I can say is that you sound very young and naive. You still have years of this left to deal with. You really are just going to have to get over it. The thing about being a parent is that it comes with great responsibility. Your boyfriend can't just dump his responsibilities for you. I get that you feel it is taking a toll on you, and you are upset. But what gives you the right to think that your boyfriend should have full custody just so you wouldn't feel angry and so the mother wouldn't be around? She still deserves 50% custody, it is HER child. To even suggest that you should have full custody because of how you feel is really immature.

My question: How does your partner feel about it? Clearly he agreed to the 50/50 - was he only pushed into going for full custody because you insisted? Because ultimately, this is not your battle.

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Charlene - posted on 11/28/2013

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I'm a parent, at 17 I was somewhat a step-parent.

My first experience as a step-parent was interesting to say the least. I was with my God-Sons Father. He was a pathetic excuse for a parent. He'd lay all the responsibility onto me, while he sleeps all day, meanwhile we were living with his Mother, who laid ALL the housework on me as well. 'Us' time was non-existent. It did NOT happen. Weekends my God Son when to his Mother's house, while I spent the weekends cleaning a house with 4 dogs, doing a weeks worth of washing, cleaning up after a cat who shred hair everywhere even when the cat wasn't in the house. I did ALL of this, while pregnant. I was so stressed, and was acting as a 'free' baby sitter more than a partner, that he and I broke up, and I lost the baby.

After a while, an ex and I got back together, we were together 2 years before I fell pregnant again. I'm still with him and I now have a 6 month old Son. We have a lot of supportive family who offer to baby sit, but still, we don't get any 'us' time.

This is what being a parent is, whether it's being a step-parent or a parent. Children take time, and they are the most important over any adult, because they are far more fragile and naive than we are, we are the ones who teach them, guide them and take time for them. If you're not willing to do that, then you've entered the wrong relationship.

Erica - posted on 11/26/2013

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I agree with you.you hit it right on the nail ouch I wanted to tell her in a nice way but how do put that into nice way every child needs there parent I hope she changes the way she see things .comment to Jodi

[deleted account]

At first I wanted kids but I'm not sure now. I could just be all the history between his father mother and I that's making things like this. However, I don't watch him without his dad there anymore. I used to watch my step son 3 days a week untill his dad got there. We have an amazing time it's just I feel like I shouldn't be the one doing it.

Erica - posted on 11/26/2013

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You sound like your not ready to share him with his son I don't know I'm not you but I know that you have to share your time with the baby no matter what he's the baby parent In if you don't except that you may lose him. In it will change the way you fill about kids if your open to it .at this point you don't have a choice like it love it are find someone who is like you .who may not want kids.i don't really know what else to tell you just have a open mind when it comes to being parent number 3 you said it yourself your his step mom in you love him so just make the best of it.give yourself a chance

[deleted account]

I understand he's just being a father. If he didn't take care of his son I would think less of him. I wouldn't ever expect him to choose me over his son, I was just expressing myself because that specific night was supposed to be our night together before we got his child back. Unfortunately it didn't happen because his child's mother couldn't save up money for a car. I know things happen, I'm sure she didn't plan this but she knew it would happen. So because of her own laziness my boyfriend and I can't have time together? I don't see how that's fair. I know that if we did have full custody then we wouldn't have any time together but I would understand because I know we fought for it and got what we wanted. I'm not necessary new to this whole thing I just think as time progresses I'm just getting sadder and sadder. So that's why I decided to start on this site. To get advice from other people and it help me. I appreciate your advice btw! Thank you!

Erica - posted on 11/26/2013

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I want to just say when you decide to be in a relationship in that person has kids you have to except there children in the things that may come with it.your husband to be is a great man for being their for the life that he created in as a mom aka parent know one will ever come before my kids I love them in i be ther for my spouse but hands down if my baby needs me I'm there .in now your a mom to that baby not by birth but by love in maybe by marriage someday.that baby needs both of your support .in what if you got full custody you had already agreed to take a role on as a parent the moment started your relationship.so just try to make the best out of your time in both you in plus the baby go take family photo or something you can hire a baby sitter once in a while I know everyone needs a brake.but you have to let him do what he has to do for the baby because nobody ask to be here in we all deserve our parents now that baby has 3 let him get use out of that in try to have a good time doing it .your husband to be in your new son well appreciate it .Erica Negron welcome to mom world

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/26/2013

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Not rude. Blunt, and to the point. Been where you are. Was there 25 years ago. Difference is that you GET THE BLESSING of spending time with that child. I didn't. I got to help pay for a child that we were not allowed to see, hear, opine on...and unfortunately one that I will have to turn away at my door should she ever show up because we (in the end) found out she wasn't even his to begin with.

You're complaining, and you have every right to, but until you realize that you really have no say (and really wouldn't even have a say if you were married), you're not doing yourself any favors.

And yep, I'm sarcastic. No law against it. I'm slightly "jaded" if you will, because I cannot believe that, in this day and age people are STILL stupidly naive at times.

I call it like I see it, and well, if you don't like it...meh. It's my opinion, and I'm entitled to it, just as you are entitled to yours. So, now ya know how that works.

I am actually proud of your boyfriend. He's stepping up, being a dad, being involved, and taking care of his kid. He seems to understand what's needed, and seems to be doing well at that.

[deleted account]

Yea there's not child support. In the custody agreement says there will be no child support. She's lost her job 2 this year just recently found a new one all they did was give her more government benefits. And Shawnn Lively this site is opinion based but you really don't have to be that disrespectful. Honestly. Even when people are married there is still a chance they'll leave! I only brought that up because you pointed out I'm just the girlfriend not the next wife. If I don't make much sense so be it, you don't have to read anything I'm posting. I'm pretty much done with reading anything you say after this point though. You're just being rude and disrespectful. At least Jodi is giving me her opinions respectfully. So yea thanks for just being rude!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/26/2013

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Oh gee...he's supposed to take care of his kid, and the car was for HER...LOL

She needs a car to transport the child. Ergo, he IS taking care of his kid by providing his ex with a vehicle. You said if the situations were reversed, she wouldn't have allowed it...well, isn't she lucky you're so much more generous...lmao

You WERE engaged. You aren't any more, the chance of you leaving still exists.

You really don't make much sense, you know...You'd be ok with him being her chauffeur, but not ok with providing a vehicle. You'd be ok with him running in & out & around with her on errands, appointments, etc, but you're bitching about not having enough time with him...

hmmm...Youth does have one advantage...you can jump from one viewpoint to the opposing one without hurting yourself much...

Jodi - posted on 11/26/2013

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How is her not having a car a positive thing for the child?

Look at it this way. If she has no job (because she can't get her child to daycare), you boyfriend will have to pay child support because she won't have an income of any sort to support the child. You haven't mentioned child support, so I'm assuming, with the 50/50 arrangement there is none, but if she lost her job, that could change.

[deleted account]

It wasn't our job to give her a car. That was nice on our part we didn't have to do that. Most men wouldn't do that. Also if roles were reversed between us, she wouldn't of allowed him to give me the car. So yea Im complaining. She should have saved the money to get a better car. We were engaged to be married. They weren't married. We got engaged last year on august 30 were supposed to be married august 30 2014. I called off the wedding because of the stress she was putting on us and the drama she was causing. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do this for the rest of my life. After I stepped back and looked at the situation I knew I loved him and his son and I couldn't just leave. So were together just not engaged anymore. He also never tried to NOT be a parent, she just made it to where he couldn't. I don't think giving the mother of his child his spare car has anything to do with stepping up. That's just taking care of her. He just needs to take care of his child. which he does and he was more than happy to take them to doctor appointments and grocery store. But not when it comes down to her going for a joy ride. So no it's not "stepping up" when he gave her a car. Yea it helped us come to an agreement in the end, but still. It's also not like he picked the crappiest car ever he could give her. It just happened to be the car his grandma left him when she died. The condition it was in was the exact same when they were together and she drove it. Nothing changed. So she knew all along what she was asking for.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/26/2013

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And how nice of you to "give" her a lemon for a car...btw...you're complaining that circumstances brought about by the fact that you gave her a car that the engine was close to blown on?

Nice.

ETA: one more comment.

She doesn't necessarily have to like you, nor does she have to respect you. It is part of her job to keep her son from being hurt. One way a child can be hurt in these situations is by the parents in question not being in committed (married) relationships. A GF can leave at any time, and the child would have attachment issues. If mom doesn't want her son exposed to that possibility, she's completely valid in that. Be thankful that there's not a "other woman" clause that says you can't stay the night when he's got his week.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/26/2013

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Ditto Jodi.

You "didn't want kids" because you wanted "me" time, yet you wanted full custody of your boyfriend's kid...? That is a contradiction.

You are the girlfriend, as well, not the next wife. That changes things too. At this point, your boyfriend's first responsibility is the child. Second responsibility is himself. YOu are 3rd in the responsibility line up.

Sounds like he's being a parent, stepping up as needed.

[deleted account]

I know we still have years left of this. I'm also trying very hard. Which I why I logged onto this site to get advice from others who are in/have been in my situation. I also ordered 2 books to read to help me get through this. I know it's going to be hard and I'm willing to fight for this. I know my boyfriend has responsibilities but our week should be our week since we have joint custody. If the child's mother is sick during her week yea I want him at our house so he doesn't get it. Yes that would be fine for situations like that. However, every single week he's with us. Which I love. I really do, but like I've said it's joint custody so at some point I feel like we should have our time. If we had full we wouldn't be keeping the mother from him. We wanted full because she used him a leverage or kept my boyfriend out of his life or threatened to leave the state with him constantly. My boyfriend just wanted to make sure nothing like that could ever happen. In the beginning when then first found out they were going to have a baby together she agreed that they would do joint custody since being together wasn't an option. Then she started keeping him out of things, then the baby was born and she kept him out of his life for months and when she finally verbally said she's not doing joint custody HE decided he was going for full. HE came up with it not me. I was just his support system. Then she needed the car so she texted him the day we were finalizing papers to take her to court that if we gave her our spare car she would give us 50/50. So it wasn't a matter of keeping her away. At the end of the day i know I'm not his mother. I don't want to be his mother. However, I'll continue to love him like one. Just because I feel like my boyfriend and I need time together right now doesn't mean I don't want him or not want him around. It's just my boyfriend and I are going through a lot right now and often forgetting that we love each other and that we're supposed to be a team together. Together time to talk is just necessary before things get worse. I don't want to leave because I love both of them. Eventually I know it'll get easier just right now it's tough on me..

[deleted account]

I'm not mad that we didn't get full custody. In the end we didn't even try for it. Just went ahead with 50/50. I was just trying to explain that we were going to go for it and if we did I understand that together time would be extremely limited and we would have to make arrangements for that. However we ended up doing 50/50 so I feel like we should have more together time. However we don't because he's picking up his son earlier than she would normally drop him off if she had a car. When we gave her the car the engine was already rocking back we told her she should have to get it fixed she knew about the problem and knew the car probably wouldn't last. She had ample time to save up money to get a nice 3,000$ car. Instead she decided to wait untill the car was done and depend on him. Now if she respected our relationship and was actually trying to get another car soon that would be one thing. But she is constantly making things on us hard. I understand it's because she doesn't want another woman in her sons life. But if she didn't want that then she should have tried to work things out with the father. And she is just down right rude and disrespectful so no, I don't think he should be doing anything nice for her right now. I may sound extremely selfish right now. But this situation have taken it's toll on me. At this point I have to much invested into our relationship to just leave so if that was going to be one thing said, it wouldn't be that easy for me. I feel at this point in time "together time" is crucial for us.

Jodi - posted on 11/26/2013

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But both parents have the right to 50/50. I am not quite understanding why you are angry about not having together time with your partner, and yet you are angry that you didn't get full custody. I am just seeing this as you making it about you and I'm not understanding why you are so upset. Personally, I think you are being a bit selfish. The car thing seems to be a temporary situation (you mentioned it was only this week), not a common one. Why shouldn't he do something to help the mother of his child at the time of her need?

[deleted account]

If we had full custody then I wouldn't be so angry about it. However everyone wanted 50/50 custody. I understand I chose this life. However, when everyone agreed to just do 50/50 I felt like we should be able to have together time. I understand my step son comes first. Honestly I do and before I asked his father to choose me over him (which I know would never happen) I would just leave. However, since it is 50/50 custody instead of full we should have "together time." We don't have it on our weeks because as soon as he gets home from work he has to go pick up his son from his mothers because she has to get ready for work (3rd shift) and have someone take her there. The person who takes her to work won't drop his son off to us on their way.

Jodi - posted on 11/26/2013

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You're not really going to like what I have to say, but I'm going to say it anyway. From one step parent to another (I am a parent too).

Welcome to parenthood. Having a child full time would cut into your together time too. That includes when you have step children. Sorry, but you CHOSE to be with someone who has a child. That child DOES come first. Why would you try for full custody if you are complaining about your time with 50/50? Quite honestly, you are just going to either get over it or get out. You can have time together on the week you don't have the child. Full time parents rarely get together time sometimes, you at least have every other week without a child.

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