Angry gay son

Bethany - posted on 06/24/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I have a 17 year old gay son. He has come out to the immediate family but that is it. He says that he is very comfortable with his sexuality but at the same time he is very angry about something. He is constantly saying that he is different from the rest of the family and my husband and I are not as interested in his life like we are his sister's life. Of course that is not true, we need advice!!! Both my husband and I have known about his sexuality for years and have no problems with it at all. Coincidentally our best friends are gay.

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Duse1 - posted on 06/24/2015

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He might be angry about any number of things,, not even related to his sexuality, I mean this is a difficult age no matter what.. I would just sit down.. say what is really bugging you.. if you don't talk to me,, if you don't tell me, then how can I understand.
I am no longer 17, and I can't always remember or know what all new things can be out there to make you feel so bad.. Then tell me.. I love you and I want to help if I can.

I would not even mention his sexuality, don't let him think you assume that is it.. it could be something totally different.. if there is as much support as you say there is. Then why even think of the G word. I would let that go by the wayside.. keep that word out of the conversation.. if that is it.. let him bring it up not you.

Priscille - posted on 06/26/2015

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It is so common for teenagers to be angry (about life in general!) may they be straight or gay. I think it comes from the fact that their life, body, thinking patterns, etc. change so quickly in a very short time span.

You and your husband both seem accepting and open about his sexuality. I would ask him how he would like you to be interested in his life. He might just feel that you are more interested in his sisters because you are not giving interest in the way he would like you to.

Duse1 - posted on 06/25/2015

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You are very welcome, I think you are taking the right steps. you sound like a good family, but even good families fall out of touch a little especially at this age, and he has extra trials to add to his teen years. The fact his Boyfriend does not want to come out and support him could be a factor too, but I would concentrate on the fact that he's a teen first, then the rest. I remember my son at 16-17, man that was a roller coaster ride I wish on NO one..LOL. I just tried to love him. and did the same thing as I told you, asked what was really bothering him. We made it through but it was not easy..
Keeping a positive attitude is a good idea. I pray all goes well. Good Luck and God Bless

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/25/2015

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I think counselling is a great idea, maybe even with the whole family, including individual. I love the fact that you let him know about your LGBT friends. This lets him know that he has other people around him that understands EXACTLY what he is going through. This may also give him an opportunity to open up more. Sounds like you are doing a great job mum!

Also, just remember, aside from him coming out, the teenage years are TOUGH! This may completely be just normal teenage development.

MaryAnn - posted on 06/24/2015

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... what advice are you looking for specifically?
its either one of two things. Teenage "life isnt fair, i hate my school, im not a popular kid, i need to move to a new town"
Or.
youre genuinely not supporting him.
when my little one is angry, im not gonna tell her "i love white people. My best friend is white."
Seriously. Its obnoxious. They're not all the same.They cant be grouped like that. Homosexuals are a group of individual people who have- seriously- only one thing in common. And that one thing is frankly meaningless in terms of their overall being.

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Priscille - posted on 06/26/2015

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He will see that! He probably is already seeing how much you believe in him but is having a hard time acknowledging it because of everything he is going through. Be patient and keep encouraging him.

Bethany - posted on 06/26/2015

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That is exactly it! When I do reach out and ask him questions about anything, he acts like I am stupid for asking. If I talk to him about his future plans (which he is very good about making, he has excellent grades) he tells me I am pressuring him. Which is not my intent, I am just showing an interest. So, you bring up a good point to ask him how he wants me to express my interest. He told me the other day that I am more interested in his sister because he is a difficult child and she is easy. My response was that being difficult and challenging is what makes him more interesting. My daughter is great she has never been in any trouble, goes to college, has a boyfriend wants two kids, etc. She will be a wonderful, responsible adult. But my son, if we can keep him on the right track, is going to do something great! I just wish he could see that.

Bethany - posted on 06/25/2015

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Thank you Duse1, I appreciate the suggestions. We are starting counseling this week to help us understand each other better. I can not imagine how he is feeling. 17 is tough all by itself. We are a very supportive family but it is really hard when you do not know the problem so I am hoping counseling will help. He is not going to hurt anyone else, he has mentioned hurting himself during an incident with his boyfriend (who no one knows about but us and the boyfriend has not told anyone about his sexuality) but I think those feelings were in the heat of the moment. We have tried to talk to him together as parents but maybe we should do what you suggest just one on one. Either me and him or his Dad and him. Maybe he is feeling "ganged up on" if it is the both of us there. I will try your suggestion, hopefully he will let his guard down a bit and help me to understand. Thanks again.

MaryAnn - posted on 06/24/2015

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If he is unsure himself of what he is feeling, it may be best to look for a counsellor. If he has one, ask about his progress. If he isnt progressing it might be worth finding someone else. It takes a long time sometimes to find something that works.
Touch on all the bases. Is there a concern he might hurt himself? Does he have a plan for coming out to other people? Is he hurting other people? Is he missing out on life because of his sulking? Can he think of any things that you can do to make himself feel more supported?

Bethany - posted on 06/24/2015

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I understand that! That is why I need to reach out to other people. We have reached out to a great deal of people in our own community and no one understands what he is feeling. I know you do not know me, but I am probably more supportive then I should be. A bit of an enablier. My skn's anger may have nothing to do with his sexual preference, I do not know, neither does he. So that is why I am here. I merely gave everyone a brief description of where I sm at in hopes someone could relate. Black, white, gay, straight, man, women, it does not matter to me.

Bethany - posted on 06/24/2015

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I am not concerned with your "word to the wise" opinions. I need sound support and advise. It has come from my lbgt community that I should discuss my relationships with them, with everyone. That the more we are open and accepting the better our son will feel. I mentioned this so that people would understand that we are very familiar with the struggles of the lbgt community. Your comments disgust me, to be quite frank. I was looking for support from this group not judgement. Maybe you have your own anger issues. If someone less judgmental could give me some advise, I would appreciate it.

MaryAnn - posted on 06/24/2015

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Word to the wise: mentioning the orientation of your friends doesn't look good to the lgbt community. It doesnt look good to your friends. It does t loom good to your son.
Its hard to be out of the norm. Its hard to grow up like that, and just because he knows other not-so-straight people does not mean that he has not-so-straight role models.
If his boyfriends are invited, welcome... if he is given lgbt-specific sex talks... if relationship talks are no different... he might be a ngsty
if i were you, I'd check out local pflag groups... take an interest in his gsa- look for pride events. Support his interests unrelated to his orientation.

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