Sheena - posted on 03/10/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )
I just joined this group because I need to talk about some things with other mothers. I feel like if I talk about these things it will help me overcome my struggles with anxiety and depression. It's quite a long story but I will try to shorten it to the best of my ability. I'm a 28 year old single mother. I found out I was pregnant when I was 19(a week away from my 20th birthday) I was living with the father of my child at the time. He was 26 and drank heavily every day. I opted out of getting an abortion the day before my apointment because I told myself I could do it. I told myself that I was strong enough to endure whatever lied ahead of me. I thought he would change once he found out we were expecting, he didn't. I was told that he would change after he saw our baby, he didn't. He told me he would have nothing to do with my daughter if I didn't give her his last name. He was more worried about drinking and partying than being with me while I was in the hospital with our newborn. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive to me and didn't acknoledge my daughters presence. He urinated on her when she was a newborn and jerked her up when she was crying. I left her alone with him one time and when I came home she was hyperventilating from crying for her bottle. There is a lot more but it's too much to list. I left him when she was 7 months old and we went to go live with my dad. At first he said I could have all rights to her then he changed his mind and filled for visitation. He was awarded a few hrs. a week and then every other weekend. He met a woman and they got married soon after. When she just started learning how to walk he brought her back to me from taking her skating and I was surpised because I thought she was too young. He said she had fun and later on that night after not being able to get her to stop crying I took her to the E.R. And they told me she had a broken leg. I took him to court because I wanted his visitations to be supervised and when his wife saw me holding her cast she rolled her eyes. His wife was the supervisor for his visitations. His lawyer made me out to be a horrible person who needed a mental evaluation. My lawyer didn't say a word and I didn't speak up for myself like I should have. While I was living with my dad I earned an associates degree and found a job at a doctors office and found a nice apartment for me and my daughter. For years I pushed myself to do everything I needed to do to make ends meet and I slowly started letting myself go and developed horrible anxiety and started having panic attacks. It got so bad I slept through my alarm clock for a week and didn't have enough energy to tie my shoes. I was in bad shape but I knew it was due to stress so I quit my job and moved into an apartment that is based on your income. It isn't that bad but it's not where I want to be. I finally started feeling better and started looking for work. I handed out my resume to over 100 different businesses and had close to 20 interviews and still no job. My daughters father has put me down so much and has said awful things to me that aren't true but for some reason when he texts me my heart starts racing and I get anxiety so it's hard for me to stand up for myself, it always has been. His wife does it too, they put me down and say awful things like my daughter deserves better than me or I can't keep a job. My daughter is my life and she is very happy and doing great in school and I support her in sports and she has always been my top priority and always will be. I have anxiety and depression off and on and I feel like if it's not anxiety that I'm dealing with it's depression. I'm taking st. Johns worts because I feel like ssri's do not help me. I'm no longer looking for a job because I'll be going to school full time to earn my bachelors degree. I feel like if I get a bachelors degree I can find a high paying job one that will support me and my daughter. I have been talking to Jesus A LOT this past week because I know that I'm not meant to do this without him! Praying and reading scriptures has helped with my anxiety. I just want to talk to other women who understand and can offer some words of encouragment. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.