Anxious

Olga - posted on 06/19/2016 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My 18 year old daughter left a week and 4 days ago and I am heartbroken. She graduated a week before top 15% of class and Class President. She moved in with boyfriend and mom which mom has a 19 year old daughter with a 2 year old daughter and boyfriend living under same roof. The mom came with boyfriend to pick up my daughter ( I was going crazy) how can any person call themselves a mom taking another mom's daughter away. I feel as if she is more of a friend to her children. There are NO rules under her roof except that everyone needs to work. My daughter had a job waiting for her working with the mom. I see the whole picture a little weird. I feel as my child is being brain washed and being used to keep boyfriend in line for the mom. My daughter is blinded by love, lust and of course the mom calls her "princess". I taught my daughter morals, and was raised in a christian home. I don't know what to do because she has not communicated with me. I gave her everything and I don't know what to do with myself. I am going crazy because we used to text 3 to 4 times a day and now NOTHING! I want my daughter back but I know that she is the only person who can make that decision. She did hurt my feelings and said that she no longer wanted to live under our roof, did not like us and that we were boring people. She texted my son happy B-day last week and Happy Father's Day to my husband but me who gave her birth NOTHING! I need help. I know that she is 18 years old and would of been ok with her going to the dorms, apt with girlfriends but not move into boyfriend's house with the mom! She has a scholarship for college for August and hope and pray that she will attend. I am also scared that she will get pregnant since the mother wants her bad for her son. What should i do?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/22/2016

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Oh, another thing? I'm seeing BIG red flags as to why she left.

You are prying into business that is in NO WAY your business! You ahve absolutely NO RIGHT to grill her on
1)the state of another family's financial affairs. If they wanted you to know, they would have hired you as a financial consultant
2) the educational level and goals of another family. Again, if they'd wanted you to know, they would have shared. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
3)the immigration status of a family. You are not an immigration official. You are taking secondhand information and ASSUMING quite a lot from it.

No wonder your daughter just "up and left". She was most likely sick and tired of your embarrassing intrusiveness into affairs that are, and always will be NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Would you have been more accepting if this family was wealthy?

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Olga - posted on 06/22/2016

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There are apparently Very Cold hearted MOMS out there. I am glad I am not ONE of YOU!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/22/2016

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Actually? You "know" nothing about how her life is going to turn out, but I wish her the best.

Do you have confidence in the woman you raised? Certainly doesn't sound as if you do...

My mother had the same "I KNOW" attitude about myself and my (then) fiance. We've been married now for 26 years. My mother most definitely did NOT "know" a damn thing, she ASSUMED a hell of a lot. What are you going to do if this young man remains in her life for the next 40 years, and she prospers?

Olga - posted on 06/22/2016

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Believe me I am occupied in different projects that I have. However, it just hits me at anytime during the day, I'm only human. Thanks!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/22/2016

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would you have been ok with her saying "I'm an adult, I will do what I please"???

You say you'd be OK with ANYTHING but what she's doing. You raised her. You raised a strong woman, from the sounds of it, who is taking her life by the horns and living it.

What you should do now is find something to occupy your time, and enjoy the times that she does communicate. She's a big girl now, and she gets to make these choices. If she gets pregnant, she gets to handle that, just as you and I did when we were pregnant. If she works, she works. If she doesn't she doesn't. YOU are under no obligation to her either way.

I get it. All of you reaching this milestone seem to think that you need to keep those kids under your wings FOREVER, but you're not doing them or yourselves any favors.

BOTH of my sons are adults. My eldest moved out at 19. My youngest just graduated HS and is on his way out the door now. I can't keep them, they are adult. I raised them, gave them the necessary tools for life, and I now have to be confident in that. I know that I did just fine, because my eldest is doing just fine.

Yes, your daughter IS GOING to make mistakes. WE ALL DO!!! Being an adult doesn't mean one is perfect. Being an adult means learning from mistakes and moving forward. We can't learn from our mistakes if our parents want to "prevent us from making mistakes". That doesn't do ANYONE any favors.

I know you're having a hard time, but you need to find a hobby to distract you from hassling your daughter every step. When she wants to, she will communicate.

Olga - posted on 06/22/2016

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Thank you. He came to US in 2011, has no social, was born in Mexico, I have done my research and he is not enrolled in college like he told my daughter he was. I am not going to say anything, come August and no one goes to college I will just have proven myself I was right all along. I get it she is 18 and an adult. At this time all I want is the best for my daughter but she will have to learn the hard way. I come from a christian family (dad preacher), I had rules and I am thankful for them because I would not be who I am without God, parents, and structure. I tried to raise my daughter the best that I could but in today's society everything is different (lots of bad people that influence kids). I have come to realize that there is nothing I can do, life goes on (I will be starting my doctorate next semester), I have a 15 year old son that still needs me and a wonderful husband. I hope and pray that at my daughter's life has a good ending but I know that moving into the bf house is not leading her into the right direction.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/22/2016

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Well, if you raised your daughter to stand on her own two feet, she will see what is happening. Stop jumping to crazy conclusions, you have no idea what is really going on because your daughter cut off communication with you. There is more to this story. A daughter doesn't just get up and leave her home when life is going well. It honestly sounds like you have been way to involved in your daughters decisions/life which usually means an overbearing and controlling parent. She probably saw this as an opportunity to have some freedom.

What proof do you have that he is illegal? How long have they lived here? Was he born in the states? Why would you think the mom just wants her to get pregnant? If he truly is illegal, if he gets deported, it doesn't matter if he has kids in the US. He will still be deported.

You are leaving out a lot of information.

Ev - posted on 06/20/2016

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Olga--I have two adult children. Once they turned 18 I did let them go their own ways and they would always come ask my opinions. Kids are going to make mistakes and we can not pick up the pieces for them anymore. All we can do at this point is support and be there for advice if they want it. It sounds like you still want to tell her what to do.

Olga - posted on 06/20/2016

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An adult because society says so not because she is mature! As parents we always want the best for our children and if we can help them avoid Big mistakes than we should. I will give her space for now and hope she comes to her senses. Thank you for the advice!

Ev - posted on 06/20/2016

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Olga--Back off a bit. Give her breathing room. And what evidence do you need documentation on. She is 18 and an adult.

Olga - posted on 06/20/2016

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Thank you. Yes, I have been trying to keep myself occupied with work, family and friends. I work for a school district and just found out that he is illegal. I just feel as if they are using my daughter to get her pregnant (tie her down) and make sure she fixes his papers and than his mother's. I don't have anything against Hispanics since I am one too, I just feel as if they have not been upfront with my daughter. They are treating her like a princesses until she gets pregnant and it ALL will change. I feel as if I need all documents in order before I talk to her because she won't want to listen unless I have evidence. Than again she probably won't care which my biggest worry is that she will not go to college since HE is not attending (no SSN) he acted as if he was going to enroll, went to take tests along with my daughter (not paid yet) when I asked my daughter if he was receiving financial Aid she said 1.) waiting on mom to finish taxes when I asked 2.) his dad will be paying his school. I'm worried that when school starts they might not take her because He is not attending why should she (and she might be pregnant by August) when school starts. My husband says stay out of it right now, I know my daughter she will come home soon. I want to believe him so bad but she is very stubborn!

Michelle - posted on 06/20/2016

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There's not a lot you can do. She's an adult.
I suggest not pushing the issue as you will probably push her further away. Give her space and time and she will probably find out that no rules aren't as much fun as she thought.
I understand the hurt but the more you try and get her home, the more she will dig her heels in. She may even stay just to spite you, even if she wants to come home.

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