Any advice on dealing with the life with this stepdaughter?

Jessica - posted on 05/31/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I am new to the forum and I really need some advice to my life. Please help. I got married one year ago and my husband has two daughters living with us. One is 25 and the other is a teenager. I do love my husband a lot and appreciate our relationship. However, sometimes I feel it is impossible to get along with the 25 yr SD.



The 25 yr SD has depression and has been taking medicines. I really do not know how does that mess up her willings or her life. She does not do anything, absolutely nothing, in helping with the housework expect her own laundry. She stay up over night while sleep during the day and often invites friends to our house after 12:00am, which disturbs our sleep. She and her bf both have drug problem, and sometimes smoke weeds in the house, inside their room though. She can not keep a job for long because she is always late for work or she quits her job impulsively, and even she had a job, her money is often gone through drinking in the bar, by both her and her bf. I feel like she is a person totally from different world to mine. The issue is that her dad does not want to suggest what she do or not due to her depression and, mostly, due to her agressive bio mom. Once I tried to communicate with the SD hoping that she can be a little more helpful to the housework because we have a five people family (her bf lives with us too) and many dogs, and that my husband and I both have to work. My hope inside was that may be at least she can help to do the dishes everyday. I swear I did not say anything strong to her or be too serious. She twisted my words into that we think she is a burden and told her bio-mom immediately about it. Then that night her mom called and cursed us almost the whole night in that I should not have depressed her. I feel like I can really not manage to coinhabit with her in that it feels like walking on the glass, not only because of her agressive bio-mom but also that I do not know what might put her down. I feel I will be depressed as time goes by. Can anyone give a piece of advice on how to sort this out? Please?

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[deleted account]

I am so sorry for your distress but this is total nonsense. I know you love your husband, but unless he comes on board and starts to respect you as his wife first, it is obvious he is in denial and nothing is going to really change. The only person that you can change is yourself and that may include divorcing your husband and his need to continue to live in denial.

I found myself in a similar situation with my fiance and his 17 year old daughter. Her second arrest involved dealing drugs to a fellow student who overdosed. She just spent the weekend with us in my home.

I love my former fiance very much but the writing on the "proverbial wall" told me we would be fighting this battle for the next 10-15 years.

I told him she was no longer welcome in my home and that he could have a couple of weeks to find his own place. He choose to leave with her that night.

Unfortunately love does not conquer all, but loving myself first and setting healthy boundaries for myself helps me make these tough decisions to move on to a happier life. Good luck in whatever you decide.

[deleted account]

Jessica, If your stepdaugher gets along so well with her mom, Yes, she should move in with her.

If your husband loves you with all of his heart, he shouldn't say it is you or his daughter. He needs to see your point of view. It takes 2 to make a relationship work and the surroundings don't help when one don't care about what the other thinks. YOur husband may be sweet and all, But he isn't thinking about you. If your SD is acting like this and says she is going to kill herself. Maybe someone needs to be called. For she is very unstable. She needs help! If your SD keeps acting like that..She would have to leave. I wouldn't want no parts of it. It would drive me nuts. My husband would either see my point of view and listen or it would be a good bye. I would give him an ultimatime. If he loves you , he will understand.

Jessica - posted on 05/31/2012

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Michelle, I am so thankful to your reply. Similar to what you have thought, I have been thinking for many times, if it was my own sister, since I do not have kid, who behaves like my SD I might have straighten her out already because I am sure that is what good to her and good to our family in long term. I believe my husband had tried to correct the daughter's behavior, however very often she responded the same: she is treated as a burden and she should just be dead, or something like that. And this reaction really works because not only her bio mom would fight for her, but also he was/we were puzzled whether her reaction is from her depression that will turn into fact or it was just her weapon. Dwelling between these two thoughts can really prevent us from moving forward thus it make our life somewhat miserable. I do not think my husband is willing to let his daughter move out since she might head to the same direction further and in the end kill herself; or can he correct her behavior given the reactions from both her and the ex-wife. I have suggested to my husband that the SD move to her bio-mom where she can be well taken care of since they are very close and the SD trusts her. However, my husband does not hundred persent support that either as that might hurt the SD's feeling and that the SD likes her bonds from where she is now. When I tried to sort things out with my husband, he answered, "Do you want me to choose between you and my daughter? I am always supportive to you (which is true, he is in gerenal a very sweet person except when he says things like I push him to choose) while you are not supporting me." It sounds like I am the bad person. However, it feels to me sometimes like a slow suiicide in supporting him on this. I often examine myself on that am I taking the wrong angle of viewing things? Thanks to your anwer that it confirms I am a person with normal thoughts.

You are right it needs enormous amount of love and courage to do what is in fact right. You reply does encourage me. Thank you.

[deleted account]

Seems to me your step daughter is taking advantage. Your Husband should say something about it. The stepdaughter in my opinion needs to grow up and get a job and get her own place. If she is doing drugs in the house and her boyfriend too isn't good at all. What will happen if someone calls in and says your house is nothing but drug addicts and the cops rolls in. Drugs can cause jailtime. If this keeps going on in the house. It can cause you and your husband to have trouble. She needs an ultimatime, to straighten up or get out. Your husband needs to realize.. His daughter is causing problems for herself. It takes someone with alot of love and courage to stand up and do something about it.
My friend was popping pills after pills, she was trying to kill herself. This was in school. I drug her to the guidance counselers office and told what she was doing. If I didn't do something, she could have died and I would have hated myself for not doing anything. Yes, she hated me, She was put in some kind of mental place, but when it was over, she came to me and appologized and thanked me for being such a great friend.
If you don't do something about your step daugher on drugs, she can get so sick and die. She also needs to have respect when you all are sleeping and she's a carrying on. If she don't straighted herself up now, it's going to be harder in the end. She may be depressed and so on, Many people get depressed. But sounds like you are going nuts because of this. Ask your husband, what is going to happen if you end up having a child with him, is he going to allow his daughter to expose your baby? Another question, what is going to happen if she ends up in jail or worse? What's going to happen if she don't straighten up now and something happens to your husband? There are many questions you can ask.
To me, life is very short, you need to do things as if it were your last day on earth. This girl sounds like she needs help and has no respect. She needs someone who loves her to step in and do something, before something bad happens and that person regrets it. I hope things work out for you.I hope my post helps you in some way.

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