Any advice or thoughts on 8 year old, how would you handle this?

Krissi - posted on 11/19/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My neighborhood has big courtyard area out in front of our houses where all of the kids play. This summer some new neighbors moved in and have an 8 year old son and 5 year old daughter. We invited them to my daughters birthday party at the pool and our kids played together in courtyard. The last couple months the neighbor girl (5) started telling my daughter (8) that she can't play with her because her mom says she can only play with kids her size. That's understandable. The problem is she is allowed to play with other kids who are older 7 & 8 years old. Total contradiction. Also when the other little girls in the neighborhood are over at our house the neighbor girl (5) will consistently knock on the door and ask the other girls to play with her, I always invite her in to play with all of the girls and she responds "I can only play with kids my size". One day my daughter asked her "I'm confused you always say you can't play with me but you always knock on my door" but it's because she wants the other kids to play. Obviously something has happened. I have asked my daughter if she was ever mean to her and she has stated they've argued about who was going to be the mom and who was going to be the daughter while playing house. Also the neighbor girl unfortunately is kind of bratty so it's not a huge loss but at the same time my daughter was crying today because she doesn't understand why the neighbor girl can't play with her but can play with everyone else. I tried to explain to her that we can't control what her mom decides but we can make sure we surround ourselves with the good friends we do have. This situation is very hard as I always do parties for the kids and invite everyone but now I just feel as though I don't want to invite them and then I feel bad that they will be excluded but they are doing the very thing to my daughter. I guess I need some opinions on others would handle this situation and they would explain why another child can't play with them.

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Have you spoken to the girl's mom?
I would simply call her and ask "Hey, ____ said she is no longer allowed to play with my daugher. I just wanted to check up and make sure we haven't done anything to offend or hurt her feelings. If we have, I'd like to make sure my daughter knows so that she can make amends."

Don't mention the "Can only play with kids my size" thing because it is very likely the girl made that up and you don't want to start off your conversation with catching her in a lie. If the mom responds that she never said she wasn't allowed to play with your daughter, you can say, maybe they argued and she just doesn't want to confront her, but my daughter really enjoys her friendship and we'd like to make up. If the mom did tell her she could no longer play with your girl, then you get to hear exactly why and go from there.

I also agree with Jennifer, if the mom is prohibiting the girl from playing with your daughter, you should tell her that she is knocking on your door everyday to collect the other children. That said, I highly doubt that is the case because the mom would certainly already know that is rude, and she would see her daughter go knock on your door. She probably assumes she is asking to play with your daughter and being turned away.

Jennifer - posted on 11/19/2013

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It is the first lesson of the world is not fair and that sucks for us as parents, as we would like our kids to be able to have expectations of consistency and same rules applying. I have always been the bigger person and invited anyway they can always say no and then it is on them. My oldest who is now 17 has gone back and forth with being close friends to not talking to a few kids since Kindergarten till now a senior in HS. You just hold them when they need it. Talk to the parents and have them tell their daughter it is impolite to go to someone's house to ask their guests to leave them and go somewhere else.

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Krissi - posted on 11/20/2013

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Thank you for your advice. I have not spoken with her mom. She never comes out of the house and just had a baby last week. I wanted to try to handle this with my daughter and try to give her support. But I may need to speak with the mom,

Last night the little girl knocked on our door and wanted to play. But in the same breath was saying how she couldn't play with my daughter since she's not her size. I told her she was more than welcome to play at our house but she needed to go ask her mom first. She told me she didn't want to ask her mom because then she would be grounded and her dad would yell at her. She said she can only play with kids as old as 7. I understand that, I feel that mom needs to parent her child and if she sets rules than she needs to be monitoring it and watching her daughter. It's not fair to my daughter to consistently be told "I can't play with you or I'll be grounded" as this little girl is always knocking on our door or even when my daughter is playing at another friends house and the little girl comes over she says the same stuff. My daughter shouldn't feel outlawed because of there rules. But I don't know how to approach the mother and state this especially since you never see her.

I think I will continue to explain to me daughter that she has done nothing wrong and we can't control other parents rules. And that we need to focus on the friendships that we have.

Being a mom is very hard sometimes.:)

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