Any chance at all he

Brooke - posted on 08/15/2011 ( 57 moms have responded )

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Right, so here's the story. My hubby and I have been together for 12 years, very happily, or so I thought.

3 years ago, my friend came to me and showed me a text from my hubby asking her to go to Melbourne with him, as he travelled there a lot at that time. When I confronted him, he said he was drunk, and thought he hadn't sent it. I let that one slide, because he had directed her to a website, which said that he was looking for someone to swing, with his wife involved too. Although, we had agreed the week before that I was not able to do that at that time, as I was home with a young baby. So it definitely seemed to be asking her to go without me. But I let that one go.

About 18mos later, there were a few things happening which raised my suspicions, small stuff. But then I ran into him at the shopping center when he was supposed to be at a meeting. He did not look happy to see us. He said that they had called him to cancel the meeting. He left with us, but ducked back in to 'use the toilet' first. When I checked his phone, there was NO incoming call that morning.

Just recently, I found some pics of another girl, which looked different from his usual porn. And they were a different type of image (bitmap) where all the other porn is jpeg. So, I checked through his email, and found that about a year ago, he had put a profile on a cheating website, making it clear that he wanted discretion from his wife.

I confronted him about it, and the story kept changing.

Now, the excuses:

1. Still sticking with "I was drunk, and didn't think I sent the message"

2. "I was sneaking the day off work, and didn't want to tell you." Every other time he has done that, he has stayed at home and vegged.

3. "She's just a random pic from the internet." I asked him to find the site and prove it, now he says that he thinks it was a profile pic, from an amateur site, and must have been changed since.

4. "I didn't do it, I don't know what you are talking about." I showed him the website, and he deleted the profile. Then it was "I must have, but don't remember." Now it's "I must have been hacked"

Nice excuse, but if you saw that someone had put your profile on a site like that (with a very apt description), wouldn't you keep it on there so you can show the police?

It's stupid, I'm sure he's lying, but a big part of me wants to believe him. I want to believe that he would not use a pic from our WEDDING DAY to put on a cheat site.

But what are the odds.... seriously? Any one of those excuses sounds right, but together?????

Sorry it's so long, but I just want to know what you guys think. Is there any chance I am wrong here, or am I horribly right?



Okay, so here's an addition to the story. About the same time as the web page was put on, one of his workmates (who I told him was trouble, by the way)told him that she had been put under investigation at work, for innapropriate relations with a colleague. She asked my husband not to say anything to the boss, as she had been told to stay away from my hubby while it (the investigation) went on. My hubby told me about it straight away, and I knew he had not been having an affair with this woman, for many reasons. He had been riding to work with her as our car was broken, and she often arrived late to pick him up. So we believed her when she said that them arriving late at work, flirting (he flirts without meaning to, I am already aware of that), and general office gossip etc. was the reason for the issue.

However, during the last few days, I connected that time with the timing of the web profile, and decided to go and see his old boss. I figured he no longer works there, so it could not harm him.

The boss told me that there was no investigation at all against this person, and that the only thing she had ever said was to her own boss, asking for advice on how to deal with this woman throwing herself at my hubby and another male colleague. She also said this woman has been proven to have made up lies to get other people into trouble. So I need honest answers- do you think this woman could have put on the webpage (she was at our wedding and had access to photos, and knew my hubbys email address), then told him this, hoping I would get suspicious and check his email, find it and throw him out, so she could comfort him? Or am I just stretching too far? I know she had also told her own husband the same lie, as he and I spoke briefly about it,(the investigation, as we thought).

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Mrs. - posted on 08/15/2011

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Personally, the cheating would never bother me so much as the lying. Sounds like he's not a very good liar at that.

I would suggest therapy. For you and him together, or just for you if he won't go. That way you can talk about this stuff with someone qualified and objective.

That doesn't mean you have to leave him or that he is actively in a relationship with someone else...it just means there is either some big mistrust issues here and/or some big secrets. No matter what, that has to be dealt with and, IMO, the best way to do that is with professional council (even a minister or something if you do the church thing..I don't, but some do).

If nothing is going one but you being suspicious (highly doubtful), talking to someone will help you with those issues as well. You can even propose that to your husband if he gets all squirrely on you, say you want to go because you think, since he hasn't done anything, that you have trust issues and want to get help on how to be a better wife to him. Kind of complete bullshit, but if you frame it that way, he might do it because your the one that needs the help...but who knows?

Jennifer - posted on 08/16/2011

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I'm sorry to say that your husband is definitely cheating. I once dated a man that was married and his excuses to his wife all the time were "I don't know what you are talking about" Or "your crazy". He always had an excuse with her about everything. He also always said he had to work late or he would find a reason to make her feel as if she was at fault so he can tell her the next day that he slept in his car while really he was with me. He always made it seem like it was always her fault. Then when he was with me he would still always take her call. Then he would hang up in her for something she never did then "not answer her phone calls because he was mad". You don't need full proof to know if someone is cheating on you but have a sense that he is. If it was one thing and everything turned out great after that then I would say don't worry. But when it's another after another then I would worry.

Jodi - posted on 08/15/2011

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If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck....it's probably a duck.

I don't think you are wrong. Sorry :( I wish you were, because obviously this is not something that anyone should have to deal with, but there is TOO MUCH that doesn't add up here. If it was a single incident, maybe I'd think you were being paranoid, but all this? He's lying his arse off.

Stacey - posted on 08/17/2011

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If you have to ask, you already know the answer. Women's intuition is very strong and typically not too far off base. Move on. You deserve better.

Bella - posted on 08/17/2011

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I think you know the answer - He's lying & cheating on you! But you don't want to admit because you don't want to feel the pain & disappointment. My marriage of 20+ years ended when I realized that the trust was gone. I got tired of beating myself up for his mistakes & his deceit plus I got tired of worrying & making myself sick wondering where he was, who he was with, why was he late, etc. etc. That being said - only you will know when you've had enough & when you're not willing to be disrespected & lied to anymore. Good luck!

57 Comments

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Debbie - posted on 10/25/2011

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Run Forest Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Sharlene - posted on 10/25/2011

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Hi . darls go with your heart if you think he's cheating then leave, do you have close family members and close friends for support and a shoulder to cry on ,All the best ,cheers

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I hate to say this u r most likely right run now. It doesn't get any easier to leave I have been married for 11 years and he has cheated twice and if I could afford to be gone I would but I have no job.

Simona - posted on 09/17/2011

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been there done that...sorry you are in this horrible situation, but he is cheating and lying....it's just that you don't want to believe it.....we always believe what we WANT to believe, but if you want to stay with him, you need to seek help...but you will probably not be able to trust him again.....it's all up to you....sorry for what you are going through....best of luck!!

Tiffany - posted on 08/21/2011

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I am quite confused at your post: you allow your husband to swing (infidelity) and use porn (mental infidelity), but you are not sure he is faithful to you? Sounds like you're really sending him mixed messages. Do you want monogamy? I am not judging you, but it really sounds like you need to decide what it is you are looking for.

Pamela - posted on 08/19/2011

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Having been the VULNERABLE wife in 2 marriages where my husbands cheated on me I know what it is to have to face that truth. It leaves a deep emotional wound that can take years to heal, or not.....depending on the person.

I would caution you to respect your INTUITION, not his excuses. Being drunk DOES NOT excuse incorrect choices and actions. The fact that he is even on a porn site would say to me that his sexual desires/fantasies are playing a much bigger role in his life than they should be. In other words there is a GREAT IMBALANCE that needs to be corrected. Is he willing? How does he truthfully see his actions? Have you asked him that?

Angelique - posted on 08/19/2011

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Woman have sixth sense; unfortunately your gut feeling is probably correct. Even if you are wrong, these feelings have sprung doubt which could affect your relationship, you need to both have a good chat.
I personally do not tolerate porn in my home with my husband as I feel this is a temptation to go further. For the sake of your child, he needs to come clean, so that your home environment and atmosphere will be a happy one. I will pray for you and your hubby.

Amanda - posted on 08/18/2011

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I'm sorry but your so right, just reading this really made me dislike this man. Leave now before uu do catch him red handed and he hurts you even more! Goodluck hun

Pam - posted on 08/18/2011

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I just read your update and all I can say is "Good for you"!!!! As for the porn, my ex also liked to look at it. All it does is make them unhappy with your body and sex life. The women in these pictures have perfect bodies...lol...because they are airbrushed to make them that way. All of the things they see in the movies aren't realistic but they expect you to do the same things.

Don't ever let him or anyone else convince you that you are the one with the problem. He has the problem, not you. I don't think counseling will help either, as the old saying goes, a leopard doesn't change it's spots.

One other thing to consider is the kinds of diseases that he could bring home to you. Take care of you and your kids. And as one of the other women said, there are worse things than being alone. That is so true.

Pam - posted on 08/18/2011

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Unfortunately I think that your husband is feeding you a lot of bull. My daughters ex was on sites and had posted profiles like those. One morning she came home from work and he had forgotten to shut the computer down, he had been having cyber-sex with someone in another state. He was also using the webcam along with the dialogue. He used a lame excuse to get away for a few days and went to visit this same woman. My opinion is that you need to shed him as fast as possible. He is a cheat, liar and who knows what else.

Skye - posted on 08/17/2011

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We know. We always know. The fact that you are asking on here tells me that you probably already know. I am so sorry for you and hope that I am wrong. Best of luck.

Charlie - posted on 08/17/2011

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I was drunk is not an excuse sorry hun .

I was sneaking work off doesnt make sense .

she is a random , likely but when coupled with everything else he seems to be lying about I wouldnt take that either.

I didnt do it , PUH LEAS,

I think you are right , he doesnt seem to have much respect for you ...find someone who will .

Nicola - posted on 08/17/2011

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Oh hugs.. Ive been in that situation. It's hard adjusting to a new baby, and even more so when the man you love and married is acting out selfishly and implying that your crazy, which your not.

But this situation has the ability to start that crazy ball rolling, it starts us introducing self doubt, asking questions to find out what's real and what's not about the life we thought was rosy, denial, and the further we try to make sense of it, the more lies we are told. 

I hope that he can realise that for you to ask him to leave temporarily if he cant respect your need for stability and honesty, was not an easy thing for you to do.

He sounds like he's really struggling with himself. 
You sound like you are open and compromising in your relationship when you said to him 
 "I let that one slide, because he had directed her to a website, which said that he was looking for someone to swing, with his wife involved too. Although, we had agreed the week before that I was not able to do that at that time, as I was home with a young baby."

Regardless of what you both agree to sexually in the relationship, im sure he knows that in any understanding that you both have, that honesty, mutual respect and transparency is the only glue that holds it all together.

I'm sure he's going to kick himself if throws it all away.

Big hugs to you! Empower yourself, be with positive and caring people, as it will help with getting "you" back from emotional abuse xx

Kate - posted on 08/17/2011

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Unfortunately I think you are horribly right, he is cheating and by his previous behaviour he will never stop cheating, he will just get better at hiding it from you. You have to make a stand and protect yourself and your baby.
Intercourse is only the final act of a cheating scenario, it's all the lying and sneaking around that shreds your confidence. Make him go to counselling or tell him to find elsewhere to live. Be strong about it or he will just keep walking all over your trust.

Sara - posted on 08/17/2011

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I'm sorry to say it, but he's lying to you and apparently cheating on you.

Emma - posted on 08/17/2011

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Unfortunately I think you are "horribly right" I was blissfully happy with my last partner of 6 years when I found out he was using the internet to find other women to sleep with, when I found out he tried every excuse under the sun, but in the end you just have to face facts... You have the proof right there in front of you and your gut is telling you what is right. Scum bags who cheat don't deserve good women.

Brooke - posted on 08/17/2011

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Ok, update for you ladies. He is still denying it all and I have told him that until he admits it, I cannot even consider any sort of future. He is now looking for a place to live (there are NO places for single men in our local area) and I will not put up with this crap anymore. My Aunty told me "Why are you feeling bad? It's his problem, not yours" And you know what? She's right! Now that I have finally accepted what I knew all along inside was the truth, I already feel so much better. The sick feeling is gone from my stomach, and I realise that I have to worry about myself and my kids. As much as I love my hubby, I have not been happy living with these suspicions. And my happiness and that of my kids is what really matters in all of this. IF, and that is a BIG IF, we ever think about reconciliation, there will have to be a lot of very big changes first. Changes I am not sure he would be willing to make, but that is just too bad. If he wants to be a part of my family, he will have to live by my rules. The first of which is admittance.
And yes, I am well aware that my friend is a "keeper".

Naomi - posted on 08/17/2011

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You know what you know.... why are you in disbelief? You know what you know

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It would probably be expensive, but if you want to know for sure, hire a private investigator. Then make a decision if you want to salvage the marriage by getting counseling, or ending it. I'm sorry he is putting you through this. Hugs!

Elizabeth - posted on 08/17/2011

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You already know what the truth is... I think what you're looking for is a solution out of this mess.
I've lived what you're going through now... believe me when I say that no matter how great your sex life... no matter what hoops you jump through, it's never going to be enough for him. You have to decide if this is the way you want to live your life or if you want something better for yourself and child(ren).
It's pretty obvious that you've bent over backwards for him and have given him the benefit of the doubt for waaaaay too long. Now take some time to decide if you want to carry on or if you want to cut your losses and move forward on your own. That much you owe to yourself! Good luck! (PS - Just remember... there are much worse things than being alone! Much worse!!)

Natasha - posted on 08/17/2011

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To be honest, it sounds like he is taking total advantage of you. Also, you may not want to hear this, but it sounds like you may have some issues as to why you are letting him look at porn ect, in the first place. Are you not "enough" for him? I would never let my husband look at porn and he knows that. i would make it clear that he can have nothing to do with the porn, ect..anymore and i would make it clear that i will not tolerate that at all! if not i would tell him to leave. but if it were me, i would just leave him and make it clear why. good luck in what ever your decision is. :)

Trisha - posted on 08/17/2011

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Wow this sounds like my husband. He does the same stuff. And I know my man is lying . It sounds like urs is to

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/17/2011

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Oh, and big props to your friend for going directly to you with the information. I hope you and her are still friends....that is someone that is a keeper.!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/17/2011

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I think he is a lying sack of shit. I would be more concerned for your children and if you want them to be raised in a home where a women is lied and cheated on...therefore teaching them to cheat and lie.

Good luck hun, but I think your intuition is dead on. Kick his lying cheating ass out!

Tessa - posted on 08/17/2011

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Do yourself a favor. Kick his ass out.
My "husband" had a female co-worker who went through a divorce and was "there" for her. After about a year of denying anything and I found out he had a separate phone and all her contacts and pictures in it...I finally got enough courage to confront myself..this was a process...anyway..I kicked him out. I feel horrible and it was hard. But, for my self respect and my daughter it was the best thing to do.
I am sorry he is such a disrespectful person to you. You deserve better!

Natashia - posted on 08/17/2011

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You definitely have a cheater. I too dealt with a cheating ex husband. The GOOD news is that it has nothing to do with you as a wife or mother! Cheating is a reflection of how he feels about himself. Worry about you and the child now. Whether you stay with him or not is your choice...just think about how your kids would feel in the future seeing their father out with another woman...

Cori - posted on 08/17/2011

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Hugs to you. Yes, he's lying. I know you want to believe him, but men like him rarely change. Counseling might help, but if he refuses to go, I am afraid that you will not likely ever get through these trust issues.

Monique - posted on 08/17/2011

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He is cheating, or trying to. Ive been there so many times. It is hard and we want to believe thier excuses and rationalize them. You need to be strong, and sometimes you leaving is what makes them wake up. If you are meant to be together, it will be. Sometmes they just need a hardcore wake up call that it is not acceptable behavior and wont be tolertated. I know the hardest part is that his heart is not with you or thinking about you. Leave him. You will know what he really wants then.

Adele - posted on 08/17/2011

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I would question anyone interested in the swingers lifestyle. Isn't the whole point of marriage that you only be with that one person? And if he is also looking at porn on a regular basis, then (although I'm no therapist) I agree with those posters who say it sounds like he has a sexual addiction. It's just harder to let go of someone when you wanted things to work out so much, so the choice is up to you whether you are going to stick around and accept his behavior. Back in the old days women stuck by their cheating husbands all the time, so it can be done, but is it worth being miserable over?

Amy - posted on 08/17/2011

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Unfortunatly you are not wrong..your heart wants to tell you you are because you love him. It is VERY typical for someone involved in porn and/or an affair to lie and cover their tracks. They will also turn the tables and try to convince you it is all your fault. You really need to go to counciling together. Porn in itself is no small thing...it is infact another form of cheating and people involved with it will escalate to other things as the usual high of it is not as effective. Porn makes a reaction in the brain that is equivalent to cocaine and it is an addiction. I have been there with my husband and unfortunatly through childhood as well ( as the victim of a parental figure addicted to porn). Two really good books I would suggest for you is 1. When his secret sin breaks your heart by Kathy Gallagher 2. An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall 3 ( For Him) At the Alter of Sexual Idolitrty by Steve Gallagher. Educate yourself and get some counciling, do not try to go through on your own..you will need support.

I wish you the best and will pray for your family.Try to stay strong.

Yvonne - posted on 08/17/2011

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Horribly right, when you smell a rat, it's a rat. Sorry girl but you would be better off with someone who wants ONLY you!!! I'll keep you in my prayers, wishing you the best of luck. You deserve better, what a jerk!

Karen - posted on 08/17/2011

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I've never replied to a post before now. It seems that your hubby is a sex addict. As with any addiction, the first course of action is to admit there is a problem. Unfortunately, he has to do that on his own. As a therapist, my professional advice for you is to empower yourself. Seek counseling in order to determine the most appropriate course of action for YOU and your children. Undoubtedly, this is a difficult path--I wish you and your children the very best.

Teri - posted on 08/17/2011

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He is cheating and there is no other answer. Trust youself. If you decide to go to counseling the only remedy to rebuild your trust will be his complete honesty and openness. I speak from experience. My husband had an affair for over2 years with a coworker, from the time my daughter was 10 months old until he was caught. My newborn son was 1 month old at the time it came out. I, like you, could not believe he would do such a thing. We divorced after I kept catching him lying and cheating. Eventually I reached the cobnclusion I would never trust him and our relationship was dead. I survived and am happy now, but it was a long road. Go to counseling with or without him and you will find clarity. I wish you the best if luck.

Vicki - posted on 08/17/2011

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Okay, I know I'm going to take a lot of flak for this one but I'm going to throw it out there anyway...first, I do believe he is lying and if not cheating, thinking about it...here's the controversial part...and I'm not in any way implying that it is your fault but just playing devils' advocate: he sounds as though he is looking for spice and spark in his life. How is your sex life? Have you tried spicing things up? I know it can be hard with a new baby but it sounds like he is looking for more "adventure". I have a 2 year old and so I understand but do you make yourself look nice for him or wear sweats and your hair in a pony tail most days? There are lots of ways to spice things up and maybe he is looking to feel "sexy and wanted" . If you have tried all these tings and he still is interested in "extra cirricular" activities, I'd say you have a big problem. If you haven't, give it a shot and see what happens! Please understand that I am not blaming, just trying to look at all the possible reasons.

Jackie - posted on 08/17/2011

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I wish i could say to you i think he is not true however it rings alarm bells with me, with my first hubby, i got the shudders one day after innocently checking a text message on his phone, it was from my friend at the time, the wording on it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, i didn't believe it to be true originally but as time went by i knew he was cheating on me, i confronted him and he denied it originally, but i found out in the end, he left for her in the end, i told him it would never work and i was right, unfortunately a child later & they then split, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but i would get rid of him now, the thought of him cheating on you will just consume you, as they say things happen for a reason, for me i never thought that at the time, but now i'm a big believer, i married again & have had kids since, so couldn't be happier & realise how wrong the first marriage was

SARINA - posted on 08/17/2011

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I'm in the exact same situation. EXACTLY. My husband posted to swing sites and started getting emails. He even browsed Craigslist, looking at pictures and such of locals seeking quickies. I've confronted him and there is always an excuse. I've come to believe he's cheating but it's the lying that's getting me. I can't trust him. Even things as small as telling me he's quit smoking and then catching him red handed. He's so good at lying that he can be smoking while standing there telling me he's not and making it my fault. I'm being judgmental, I'm being too pushy, or whatever, it's always my fault.

... sorry. Anyway, you're not alone. Good for you for trying to find the space and time to think things through. I've tried to get my husband to move out so I can do the same but he refuses. I wish you the best.

Lindsay - posted on 08/17/2011

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Iv been involved with 2 guys 1 at a time they both cheated on me an.constantly lied. An the one.use to try an blame me.for cheating. I grew up an been put into so many situations were i now have to be a hard ass for my son. I now dont put up with anything. An now im lucky to be married to a grewt guy. We actually went to high school together. An he feel in love with me 10 yrs ago an never said anything. An at the time i was dateing a drug attic cheater who constantly lied ab one day tryed running me over i left thst same day. My point is i know u love him.but your better then that he shouldnt put u in that spot if he really loved u any way. I wish u luck u need to.stand up.for your self an your kids

Desiree - posted on 08/17/2011

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Sounds like your husband has a sexual addiction and with any addiction, you can't force him to get help until he wants help. I hope I am wrong, try to find more info on it and see if it fits and see if he'll try counseling to work things out if not only you can take the next step no matter what advice anyone gives you...

Stifler's - posted on 08/16/2011

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One incident maybe. But this is a lot of incidents of cheating behaviour for him to be innocent.

[deleted account]

wow, ican truly understand why you would want to believe him, but this is definately too many stomache turning "little" things, i would for sure be all over that. hope things work out for you.

Keri - posted on 08/16/2011

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Guys (and girls) who cheat say anything to get out of trouble. I don't think I would have continued to date, let alone marry, a guy who you describe as having "usual porn" to look at. Sorry, but if I'm with someone, I'm with them and they're with me - no one else and nothing else. If he didn't respect you enough to do that for you, then you were doomed from the beginning. Yes, I think all of it together sounds like a huge load of bull***, but any one of those excuses could have been sincere at the time, but he doesn't seem like he's ever been sincere. Sorry :-(

Brooke - posted on 08/15/2011

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Rebecca..... I agree. It is the lying that is getting to me. If he just said "Yes, I did it." then we could move on. I don't want to throw away what we have for no reason, but I just don't know if I can trust him. At the moment I have told him he has to move out, just to give me some time to think, and we are going to see how things go in a few months. i need it, because I can't think straight when he is around.

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