Any other step moms out there?

Jen - posted on 06/26/2009 ( 546 moms have responded )

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I am a step mom of a 10 year old and a 12 year old. I have lots of friends who are moms, but none who are step moms. It's a difficult place to be and I'm looking for others who know what it's like.

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Lisa - posted on 07/23/2009

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I know both sides of that coin. I am both a stepchild and a stepmom.

My stepmom does not fall under the "good" stepmom category. She has never made any of us (I have 3 siblings also) feel wanted or loved. She has always "played favorites" between her children and us. We don't even feel welcome in the home we were all raised in any more. Consequently, there is a lot of resentment and hurt feelings and the two families have not blended.

The good thing that has come from all this is that it has made me very sensitive to the feelings of my own stepson. I try always to include him whenever possible. I don't play favorites and that goes whether things are good or things are bad. Whenever possible I let him know that I care about him and his well-being. He knows that he is always welcome in this house.

We must be doing something right. He and his stepbrothers are thick as thieves and very close. He seems to prefer staying here with us over his mother's home too.

Being a step-parent has lots of booby traps but I've found that if you talk often and openly, you can usually find your way. Patience and the ability to hang in there go a long way also.

Good luck.

Brenda - posted on 06/27/2009

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Quoting Joyc:

IF THE 12 YEAR OLD IS A GIRL WATCH OUT, I AM NOT A STEP-MOM, BUT A GROWN STEP-CHILD, PEOPLE ARE SELFISH WHEN THEY CAN'T WAIT AND SINCE YOU HAVE NO REAL PARENTING EXPERIENCE IT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE, DO NOT TRY TO BE THEIR MOTHER, THEY HAVE ONE. LET THEM COME TO YOU WHEN THEY WANT TO AND STAY AWAY WHEN THEY DON'T WANT YOU, DON'T KISS AND HUG ALL OVER THEIR DAD IN FRONT OF THEM AND LET HIM METER OUT THE DISCIPLINE. I CAN TELL YOU STORIES. I HAD TWO STEP-SISTERS, A STEP-MOTHER AND MY POOR DAD WAS IN THE MIDDLE, PLEASE CONTACT ME, I CAN OUREALLY REALLY HELP YOU IF YOU WANT TO LIVE A PEACEFUL LIFE



Joyce, because you are NOT a step-mom, I don't think you have the qualifications to address this subject.  You obviously have some rather strong opinions on the subject.  Unfortunately, these pre-conceived ideas you have are what many other divorced parents have.  It is NOT easy by any means to be the step-parent.   The step-parent wants to do what is best for everyone involved, but especially for the children.  I think divorced mothers would be surprised at how much respect they are given in the other household, and that nobody is trying to take over their parental role. 

Lori - posted on 06/26/2009

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I have been a stepmom for 17 years. My stepson was 5 when his father and I married. He did not like having a stepmom. But let me tell you, it gets better. He and I are the best of friends now. He will call me first now instead of his dad if he has a problem. So just hang in there......

Dolores (Tia Loli) - posted on 03/08/2011

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When my husband and I met he had a 6 month old son and I had a 7 month old son, in the beginning it was a wild ride, I prayed and asked God how do I deal with this, Gods answer was not to be a step MOM to him be a Mom, after all it was not his fault who his Mother is or what took place before I came into the Picture, I had to stand back and look at my son and think how I want my son to be treated when he would see my ex husband, remember we reap what we sow, what goes around comes around, you get the message, lol..now our Sons are 30 years old and all through their lives they have been Just that (MY SONS) not my Son and His or my Step Son anything like that, when their girlfriends, and friends found out that we were a blended family they were in shock no one would ever think it. and now I am blessed with 6 Grandchildren 3 from each of them and I could not love each and every one of them more than I do. Just remember if you think of them as your step child that is how you will treat them and they in turn will treat you as a step mom.

User - posted on 08/28/2009

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I know what you're saying. I gave up being a stepmother the other day because I am tired of walking on egg shells. I look at it this way, If the stepchild doesn't like me then I don't really care because I have my son and daughter who love me. Like I am just tired of trying to make things right. Good Luck

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Jazzmen - posted on 03/08/2011

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Yes, it is very difficult to be a step mom. My step daughter is almost 21 now, with a daughter that will be 2 next month and a step son that is 17 now. I have been a step mom to these 2 for 10 years.

User - posted on 08/28/2009

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I know what you're saying. I gave up being a stepmother the other day because I am tired of walking on egg shells. I look at it this way, If the stepchild doesn't like me then I don't really care because I have my son and daughter who love me. Like I am just tired of trying to make things right. Good Luck

Gwendolyn - posted on 08/03/2009

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I understand , I have 3 step children 15,6 and 5 and three of my own, 15,14,and 11. You can feel free to ask me anything.

Melody - posted on 08/03/2009

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I am the stepmom of a 14 year old boy. He came into my life with his dad when he was almost 3. It has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride while I continue to watch his mother overlook how her actions have effected him, not to mention my life with my husband & our other children. I hear it gets better...but I'm still waiting.

User - posted on 07/22/2009

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Hi, I'm a step mom of a now 14 year old girl, I've been with her father since she was 11. I also brought into our family my now six year old daughter and eight year old son. It can be a trying relationship at times, but it is also overall a very good one. We only have her every other weekend, and a little more in the summer. It has gotten harder since she is older and leads a very active life so we do not see her as much due to scheduling conflicts. Her father and I have issues sometimes since he cannot seem to tell her "no" (no matter what the situation)...but that is something that I hope is not the case with your family :)

Diane - posted on 07/19/2009

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Yes there are others like you.. :) I have 2 boys (right now) ages 15 and 12; and got married to a man that has 2 boys as well, ages 14 and 10. We have been together for 9 yrs and married for 6 yrs. We both have custody of our children and they each visit the other parent. We have children coming and going most of the time. We have put each ex on the same schedule due to having them (the kids) not around most of the time. We (my husband and I ) wanted them to get to know each other and go on family trips together. Very important for us as a family. There are times when the kids will play us against each other specially since they are now coming teenagers. It does get better but, you and your husband have to be on the same page with EVERYTHING. Otherwise it just wont work and you have to live day to day in the times that it doesnt or at least thats what I do. NOW that might not be the right way to do it but, it works for me.

Elaine - posted on 07/19/2009

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hi my kids are 20, 18 & 17 and my stepkids are 10, 8 & 7... two boys and a girl in each set... nice to meet you

Alicia - posted on 07/19/2009

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I am a stepmom to twin 15 yr old girls (from my 1st marriage) and a new stepmom to 2 boys that are 8 and 10. Lol. So I guess I know what it's like to be a stepmom. I also have a 13 yr old son. If you ever need anyone to chat with feel free to drop a line anytime.

Alica - posted on 07/19/2009

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I am a step mom and a step daughter...so I know both ends of it...what was most difficult for me as a step mom, was learning that the anger that he had was not directed at me, just to me...he had severe anger about his parents divorce and saw me and my children as a threat...which is how i felt when my step dad came into my life...now my step dad is one of my best friends...still working on the relationship with my step son, but that will eventually work out too...he is 18 so there are all the teenage problems as well...I just don't push, i let my husband take control and deal with him. hope that helps...God Bless

Christian - posted on 07/19/2009

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Im a step mom to a 19 year old boy and a 17 yr old girl and it has been rough and rewarding ride.

Britt - posted on 07/17/2009

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Hi, I'm a stepmum to an almost 12 yr old boy, and we have hit the pre-teen attitude stage, along with the very recent discovery of "girls" . Hubby and I also have 3 yr old daughter and a 16 month old son together....... both of whom "are now totally annoying" according to the stepson with attitude (although I am blessed that his attitude is not as bad as one of my friends stepson).

I met my husband when my stepson was 2 and we got along fine, the problem initally was my hubby's ex, she initially made things really difficult, she even went as far as rocking up on our doorstep if she found out that hubby was not home and taking her son, saying that he was not allowed to be left alone with me because I was not his parent. Now you can imagine how hard that was, especially as he lived with us during the week and only saw his mother on weekends.

Another difficult point in our lives was when hubby and I added our own children into the mix, it initally changed the dynamics in our family, and I guess it changed me a little as although I do care about my stepson, once I had my own children I suddenly realised that I do not love him, well at least not like I love my own. Now that was a big moment for me and I hated myself for it, but I have come to realise the feelings are feelings and they are not something you can control. But what you can control is how they are conveyed and I make sure that he is as much a part of our family as he always was - firstly I do not usually refer to him as my stepson - I am only doing this now to make it easier to explain. Secondly all 3 of my children are treated the same and have the same rules and boundries to abide by, and are all diciplined the same too. My stepson does not call me mum, even though when he was younger he wanted too, but my hubby did not wish to upset his ex, and so he calls me by my first name. As to the stage we are going though at the moment, well thats just a typical pre-teen stage and will pass in time.

I guess I am lucky as I have been in his life since he was 2 and therefore he would not actually remember life without me in it, nor would he remember his parents even being together so we have not had to deal with the trauma of a break-up and then a new relationship effect on the child.

Now I have had many people say you will never be there "mother" but really I consider myself his mother just as much as his actual mother ...... I have provided a roof over his head, cooked meals for him, washed his clothes, taught him to read and write, play games with him, have kissed scraped knees and hugged away tears, helped with homework ...... the list goes on ..... to me that is being a mother, and to me you do not need to have been the one to have given birth to be a mother to a child.

Yes sometimes it may be a little more trying than perhaps with your own child, especially when having the other side of the family to deal with (an over 9 yrs on now we all pretty much get along totally fine - me, hubby and his ex) but it is worth it in the end. Hang in there and anytime you want to chat just send a message, always happy to try and help or just be an ear if you need to get something off your chest.

Being a parent is one of the hardest things you'll put your whole life into - but so worth every moment :)

Tammy - posted on 07/11/2009

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I am a stepmom too, and have been for 11 years..it can be challenging at times but eventually it does get easier.

Julie - posted on 07/11/2009

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Quoting Joyc:

In addition,most of these people had their step-children from much younger ages which changes the dynamic totally. Keep in your place and you will be OK, do not overstep your boudaries,you are not their mother and never ever will be, why don't you have one of your own


Question: What is overstepping your boundaries mean exactly?



I see you're getting alot of guff here, but you dished out some pretty harsh words. I can only speak on my own behalf, but I'm sure that most step moms here agree when I say that we aren't trying to replace our stepchildrens "REAL" mom.



However, what is a stepmom to do when the bio mom is a neglectful mother who ALLOWED her 3rd baby daddy to molest and sodomize MY 7 yr old stepson for more than 2 years? Personally speaking, that's my kid that he messed with. Like they say don't let mess with the cub, because you'll really off mamma bear. No, i'm may not have carried him for 9 months. However, I have taken him to therapy, volunteered everyday in his classroom, been there helping him feel safe, loved everyday to let him know what happened wasn't his fault, when he has nightmares of what happened its ME who holds him and makes him feel safe. And whatsmore  I constantly tell him that his mother still loves him even though she hasn't seen him in months because the court has deemed her "a danger to the well being of her son".



So please Joyce explain to me, did I "overstep" my boundaries, because I'd really like to know?  Maybe one day you'll walk a mile in any one of our shoes, but until then I suggest you and your high horse find your own message board, because this one is for "stepmoms" who are busting our asses to keep our family intact even with the crap that biomom's throw at us.



 

Claudia - posted on 07/10/2009

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My kids father has 1 of his own and we have 2 together. The kids are not the problem the problem are the parents...I have care for his son like my's untill he made to many problems for my own family..good thing my kids father did realiase it and now she has ran away with her kid from our life...My opinion will be treat the child like your know but let your husban realise whats going on and whats affecting your family relation.

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Quoting Yalitza:

I am a step mom to a 13 year old and it is a very difficult place to be in. She was 8 years old when I got married to my husband, and we now have a 3 and a half year old and 2 year old. It is hard i'm not going to lie. She goes to her dad for everything and no matter what I do it's never good enough. I just take it one day at a time.



I'm only half way thru reading all these posts, and boy, what interesting reading.  I was a step-child, I am a step-mother, bio-mother, adoptive mother, and foster mother.  You can say I was born to mother LOL.  Our children range in age from 45 to 8, and we have 12, (soon 13), grandchildren.  And one thing I can promise you is that ALL pre-teen and teenage girls pull away from their mother figure and run to Daddy.  It's part of our growing and maturing process as soon to be women.  What matters is how Daddy handles this, and if he stays supportive of Mom and includes Mom.  Don't worry, the kids all grow up and move out, and someday you will rest in a quiet house, and smile as you remember ALL your children growing up.

Trisha - posted on 07/10/2009

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hi :) I'm a mum of a 22 year old and i have a stepson of 16. I've known stepson for 8 years and we got along just fine:) thankfully the 2 boys get along too with same interests in computer games and music.

Cindy - posted on 07/10/2009

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I have a 15 year old step daughter and a 13 year old step son. I also have a 7 year old daughter and a 2 year old son of my own. My step kids were young when their dad and I got married but they still treat me like I'm the outsider. My step kids live with us most of the time, only see their mom on weekends. And even though my kids are their half siblings they still have a hard time seeing me as the "mother" figure in the house. Which in turn makes it hard to teach my little ones that I am mommy and they need to listen to me. It's a very difficult place to be. But there are other people to consider so we just keep trying. :)

Lyanna - posted on 07/10/2009

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I am also a stepmom to two children a girl age 16 and a boy age 11. I also have two children with my husband a girl age 5 and a boy age 18 months. I agree it is a difficult place to be. My husband does not have a very good relationship with his ex and that in turn puts a strain on our relationship with the kids. Its very difficult sometimes.

Lyanna - posted on 07/10/2009

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I am also a stepmom to two children a girl age 16 and a boy age 11. I also have two children with my husband a girl age 5 and a boy age 18 months. I agree it is a difficult place to be. My husband does not have a very good relationship with his ex and that in turn puts a strain on our relationship with the kids. Its very difficult sometimes.

Lori - posted on 07/10/2009

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I'm a step-mom to a 26 & 20 yr old girls. It's a tough job and usually comes with a lot of heartache. Hopefully you have a lot of support from your husband and work as a team. Just be yourself and show lots of love and attention and it will work out. Good luck!

Cheryl - posted on 07/10/2009

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Hi Jennifer,

I am new to the Circle of Moms so I just barely read your post. I have three children myself, ages 16 and twins that are 14. My husband has 2 children ages 26 and 19. Unfortunately I do not get along very well with my step children. I know that sounds awful but unfortunatly it has been this way for 11 years. I have tried everything you can think of but their mother has a lot to do with our relationship so therefore we never see them anymore. I hope your experience with your step children will be a postive and rewarding experience.

Andrea - posted on 07/10/2009

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Quoting Joyc:

The step-parent has no rights legally or any other way. It is best to let the children make the decisions. I have taken in children that were not mine for several years at a time and they love me because I knew exactly how to handle them, so in a sense, I had at least three step children, I do know very well from where I speak. People, stay married or don't have kids and these problems won't surface


Hi Jennifer.  I am a step mom as well.  We have a  blended family.  I have a 15 yr old daughter from a previous relationship whos father has never been in the picture.  My 14 year old step daughter is from my husbands previous relationship and we have a 6 year old son together.  I first hand know how hard it is to be a step parent.  We have dealing with my daughter and my husband, her step dad which is one dynamic.  Then we have the other dynamic where I have a step daughter who we have sole custody of and I have been raising for 8 years now.  Her bio mother comes in and out of her life when she feels like it.  It is a very hard situation because since really I am the only mother she has, she still has these fantasy about her bio mother and how she wishes so badly she could go live with her, etc.  Unfortunately that will never happen. Regarding the post above, I would not listen to anything this person says.  She obviously is very bitter and resentful based on her own childhood, which is very sad.  I am not my daughters bio mother but due to POA's I have full legal rights of my step daughter.  I have more legal rights then her bio mother so that is not even an issue.  It takes more then just using your egg to be a mother.  We do not use the term step in our family either.  She is my daughter and I am her mother.  she knows the difference as far as me being her step mom and her mother being her real mom but if she wants to call me mom, i am flatter.  We have many ups and downs...don't get me wrong.  She has much loyalty to her bio mom regardless of what a piece of crap she is.  But i,  being the adult, understand that.  It is NEVER best to let the children make all decisions like the above states.   They are children and are not capable of knowing the consequences of their decisions.  that is the stupidest thing i have ever heard of.  You are the parent because it is your house. Your rules are what are to be followed.  Period.  No one can ever tell you how hard it is to be a step mom, there is no book on it.  YOu just have to do the best you can do.  It is a constant struggle.  You will have good days and you will have bad days.  I am so sorry you can't have your own children.  That in itself must be so hard and sad for you.  Something, i can understand so i am sorry i can't help with that.  But i have to tell you, we have been through tons of stuff so if you ever want to vent, complain or just run anything by me...please feel free.  It is great having other people to talk to about these things because not everyone can understand.  Even my husband who is a step dad to my daughter can't truly understand because he is not a mother.  It is different.  Having a child in your home for a period of time, like above, is nothing like having your own children or step children.  No comparision what so over so do not listen to this person.  She obviously has some issues to deal with.  Yes, getting married...staying married is the best scenerio but let's face it....obviously it doesn't always happen that way.  Doesn't mean we shouldn't move on with our lives.  Your children know when thier mother is not happy.  Wouldn't you want your child to grow up seeing her mother in a loving relationship or seeing her miserable in a marriage that isn't working...or like above said....alone until the kids are grown.  That is ridiculous.  Kids feed off their parents and what child wouldn't want to see their mom happy.  Okay, sorr this is so long but I was getting irritated reading a lot of the posts..from aboves name anyway.  sorry this is not very question specific but just let me know if you ever want to talk.



Good luck to you,



Andrea

Tanya - posted on 07/10/2009

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I have a kind of different step mom story for anyone who would like to hear it....

I'll start by saying I have been with my husband since I was 13 almost 14 years old, Off and on of course well we split for a while back in 2000 and he had met someone who he saw for about a month well she had 2 kids from another relationship already and one day she just moved back to where she was living with him and left my "husband" with out saying anything. (he wasn't my husband then..lol) he called me one day and told me she just left i figured it was because he worked out of town a lot then and she didn't like it well we of course got back in our relationship and then had a baby in 2003 we moved in together started our family worked at our problems ect all that stuff you do in a relationship....bought a house in 2004 had our second baby in 2005 then comes september 2006, my husband wakes me up one morning before the kids were up and says I have something to tell you - he goes on to say that that girl he saw back in 2000 called his dad and told his dad to ask my husband if he wants to meet her son. Of course this all had to sink and I had a million questions, but he hadn't called her because he wanted to talk to me first... so he called her that afternoon and she said she had a 5 year old son who is his asked if he wanted to meet him of course we did, she said that her other sons father had be raising him as his own and the child didn't know anything that was going on yet but she moved back to our state and though he should know about this family, we said ya we'll meet him, we expected her to be protective of her sons feelings you know meet us as friends first since he was 5 and didn't know all these adult issues - no she told him on the way when they got to the park we said we'd meet at he was screaming and his mom and aunt were dragging him out of the car they got to the bench and he of course wouldn't look at us (i said that was ok) she wanted us to see him so she was turning his face - I didn't need proof he looked like my husband :( the next day she called and said he wanted to spend the night at his dad's (i thought that was strange) but we asked for a DNA test (even thought we knew but for our leagal protection) so she agreed we paid for it and in October we introduced him to our 2 children our oldest was 3 and our baby was 1 (it was on her birthday)... We had him for almost all the holidays we through him his 6th birthday party and he came over for lots of things and stayed over everyother weekend, he became very close with MY side of the family my parents treated him like there grandson he became really close with me because he was confused about "dad's" and one time said he don't have one i told him he's lucky he has two not everyone gets two and his siblings with his mom don't have 2. he thought that was cool :) well then on a friday september 2007 my husband was on his way to his school to pick him up for the weekend and he gets a call from his mom and says that she changed his school, she don't want him to pick him up anymore she wants my husband to give up parental rights ect... ect.... ect.... my husband fliped (i always told him he needed to be respectful she was his childs mother) but i don't know what he said to her but i could imagine -... This hurt our family a lot my daughter who is 6 now still asks when her brother is going to come over again. I just don't have those answers, I don't even know if i'm still a step mom I think the shock is gone but the memory isn't

Thanks for listening :)

* I know crazy murry show stuff...lol, I felt like I was on the show there for a while*

Syra - posted on 07/10/2009

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Quoting Joyc:

The step-parent has no rights legally or any other way. It is best to let the children make the decisions. I have taken in children that were not mine for several years at a time and they love me because I knew exactly how to handle them, so in a sense, I had at least three step children, I do know very well from where I speak. People, stay married or don't have kids and these problems won't surface


I have to disagree completely. I have a four year old step-daughter and I can't imagine how things would be if we let her make the decisions! They are children, they still need direction and discipline. And to say that the step-parent has no rights to the child isn't fair either. My husband, myself, his ex and her husband all get along very well and make decisions as a FAMILY. Her mother refers to me as her other mother, so my step-daughter feels like she has 2 moms and 2 dads. My opinion on raising her and punishments, etc is respected just as much as everyone else's, as it should be to a certain extent in this situation. My husband wouldn't have married me or let me be a part of his childs life if he didn't respect how I saw fit to raise a child. And to sit there and tell people to either stay married or not have kids at all is not only rude, but not at all your place to make a comment if you haven't been in the situation, so I think maybe you should keep your comments to yourself, seeing as how no-one is really interested in the advice you are offering, and all your messages are VERY offensive.

Trina - posted on 07/10/2009

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hi jennifer im also a step mum and have been for 10 years now to a 17 year old noy 15 year old girl and a 11 year old boy!! it is very challange at times if u ever need 2 talk just chat 2 me xx

Rennie - posted on 07/10/2009

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I have 2 stepsons - age 21 and 14. I have been in their lives for the past 10 yrs. The 21 yr old lived w/ us during his HS years. Both boys have always treated me w/ respect, love and kindness...and in return, I treat them the same way. They have always referered to me as mom. I feel very blessed to be a part of their lives :o)

Veronica - posted on 07/10/2009

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I am a "step" mom of a 13 and 11 year. Both girls, and I I have a 4yr girl with their father... as for the lady who says that they are expert because she was a step and to stay married or don't have kids... I have a step mother... AND ILOVER as much as I love my natural mother... I also love my daughters. At first it was rough, but patience and understanding have brought us a long way... my oldest step just spent a month with me while her dad was on the road. We do have a few issues but you know what I am sure I will have those same issues when my daughter gets that age as I am sure I did the same to my mother and step mother... You don't have to be biological to be a parent!!

Andrea - posted on 07/10/2009

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Quoting Joyc:

The step-parent has no rights legally or any other way. It is best to let the children make the decisions. I have taken in children that were not mine for several years at a time and they love me because I knew exactly how to handle them, so in a sense, I had at least three step children, I do know very well from where I speak. People, stay married or don't have kids and these problems won't surface


Hi Jennifer.  I am a step mom as well.  We have a  blended family.  I have a 15 yr old daughter from a previous relationship whos father has never been in the picture.  My 14 year old step daughter is from my husbands previous relationship and we have a 6 year old son together.  I first hand know how hard it is to be a step parent.  We have dealing with my daughter and my husband, her step dad which is one dynamic.  Then we have the other dynamic where I have a step daughter who we have sole custody of and I have been raising for 8 years now.  Her bio mother comes in and out of her life when she feels like it.  It is a very hard situation because since really I am the only mother she has, she still has these fantasy about her bio mother and how she wishes so badly she could go live with her, etc.  Unfortunately that will never happen. Regarding the post above, I would not listen to anything this person says.  She obviously is very bitter and resentful based on her own childhood, which is very sad.  I am not my daughters bio mother but due to POA's I have full legal rights of my step daughter.  I have more legal rights then her bio mother so that is not even an issue.  It takes more then just using your egg to be a mother.  We do not use the term step in our family either.  She is my daughter and I am her mother.  she knows the difference as far as me being her step mom and her mother being her real mom but if she wants to call me mom, i am flatter.  We have many ups and downs...don't get me wrong.  She has much loyalty to her bio mom regardless of what a piece of crap she is.  But i,  being the adult, understand that.  It is NEVER best to let the children make all decisions like the above states.   They are children and are not capable of knowing the consequences of their decisions.  that is the stupidest thing i have ever heard of.  You are the parent because it is your house. Your rules are what are to be followed.  Period.  No one can ever tell you how hard it is to be a step mom, there is no book on it.  YOu just have to do the best you can do.  It is a constant struggle.  You will have good days and you will have bad days.  I am so sorry you can't have your own children.  That in itself must be so hard and sad for you.  Something, i can understand so i am sorry i can't help with that.  But i have to tell you, we have been through tons of stuff so if you ever want to vent, complain or just run anything by me...please feel free.  It is great having other people to talk to about these things because not everyone can understand.  Even my husband who is a step dad to my daughter can't truly understand because he is not a mother.  It is different.  Having a child in your home for a period of time, like above, is nothing like having your own children or step children.  No comparision what so over so do not listen to this person.  She obviously has some issues to deal with.  Yes, getting married...staying married is the best scenerio but let's face it....obviously it doesn't always happen that way.  Doesn't mean we shouldn't move on with our lives.  Your children know when thier mother is not happy.  Wouldn't you want your child to grow up seeing her mother in a loving relationship or seeing her miserable in a marriage that isn't working...or like above said....alone until the kids are grown.  That is ridiculous.  Kids feed off their parents and what child wouldn't want to see their mom happy.  Okay, sorr this is so long but I was getting irritated reading a lot of the posts..from aboves name anyway.  sorry this is not very question specific but just let me know if you ever want to talk.



Good luck to you,



Andrea

Barb (Barbara) - posted on 07/10/2009

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Hello. Although technically I am a StepMom, all the Steps are now adults. We did have my StepSon live with us for a time.

[deleted account]

Jennifer.. being a step mom is probably one of the hardest jobs I have ever had. My step son is now 28 , and we had it rough because his mom was in the picture..but today I wouldnt have done it any different.. He loves me more now for being there through all the rough times as well as the good times and we have a better relationship now than ever, he even asks me questions about his 3 year old more than he asks his own mom. Its not easy being the other mom much less the other wife ( girlfriend) , but you just need to wake up everyday and thank the man above that you are being blessed with two kids in your life. Love them like they are your own, because in a since they are yours..

Sarah - posted on 07/09/2009

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I have a 3 year old step-daughter, but I obviously love her like she is my own. She calls me mommy. My fiance (her father) was actually kept out of her life by the mother the first two years of her life until the mother had a "change of heart". But she wasn't exactly around all the time either. She was in & out of jail. So this little girl has been taken care of by a lot of people. Unfortunately, the mother decided to drive drunk with my step daughter in the car and didnt even have her buckled in! The mother passed away but thankfully our little girl made it, after being in ICU for almost a week. It's actually only been a couple months since shes been living with us, the accident was in march. And she has adjusted well. She was closer to her grandmother than her own mother, but doesnt even really ask for her grandmother. She is as happy as can be here. We have two boys, so shes got someone to play with. I'm pretty sure there will be issues in the future, I know she's going to go through a lot. With her only being 3 right now, she doesnt understand too much. She thinks I'm her mommy. But theres definetely going to be obstacles. I just hope she understands that I have always treated her and loved her like my own. And I have already done everything I can for her just within these first couple months. Which is probably more than her own mother did.

Sarah - posted on 07/09/2009

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I have a 3 year old step-daughter, but I obviously love her like she is my own. She calls me mommy. My fiance (her father) was actually kept out of her life by the mother the first two years of her life until the mother had a "change of heart". But she wasn't exactly around all the time either. She was in & out of jail. So this little girl has been taken care of by a lot of people. Unfortunately, the mother decided to drive drunk with my step daughter in the car and didnt even have her buckled in! The mother passed away but thankfully our little girl made it, after being in ICU for almost a week. It's actually only been a couple months since shes been living with us, the accident was in march. And she has adjusted well. She was closer to her grandmother than her own mother, but doesnt even really ask for her grandmother. She is as happy as can be here. We have two boys, so shes got someone to play with. I'm pretty sure there will be issues in the future, I know she's going to go through a lot. With her only being 3 right now, she doesnt understand too much. She thinks I'm her mommy. But theres definetely going to be obstacles. I just hope she understands that I have always treated her and loved her like my own. And I have already done everything I can for her just within these first couple months. Which is probably more than her own mother did.

Sarah - posted on 07/09/2009

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I have a 3 year old step-daughter, but I obviously love her like she is my own. She calls me mommy. My fiance (her father) was actually kept out of her life by the mother the first two years of her life until the mother had a "change of heart". But she wasn't exactly around all the time either. She was in & out of jail. So this little girl has been taken care of by a lot of people. Unfortunately, the mother decided to drive drunk with my step daughter in the car and didnt even have her buckled in! The mother passed away but thankfully our little girl made it, after being in ICU for almost a week. It's actually only been a couple months since shes been living with us, the accident was in march. And she has adjusted well. She was closer to her grandmother than her own mother, but doesnt even really ask for her grandmother. She is as happy as can be here. We have two boys, so shes got someone to play with. I'm pretty sure there will be issues in the future, I know she's going to go through a lot. With her only being 3 right now, she doesnt understand too much. She thinks I'm her mommy. But theres definetely going to be obstacles. I just hope she understands that I have always treated her and loved her like my own. And I have already done everything I can for her just within these first couple months. Which is probably more than her own mother did.

Nicole - posted on 07/09/2009

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I'm with you. I have 2 step sons 8 & 13 and then my husband & I have a 2 yr old daughter together. Being a step mom is a very hard job!!! We only have them every other weekend and that is hard becausse my 2 yr old does not understand and cries every time they leave.

DOREEN - posted on 07/09/2009

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I was married for 7 years and had a wild child step daughter and now i am in engaged to a wonderful man with 3 daughters I think for me the worst part about being a step mother is dealing with the ex's not the children. but i am all ears ask any questions you like

Melissa - posted on 07/09/2009

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Quoting Tammy:

Wow... I totally agree with the not calling the child "step". My husband has a 7yr old son from his first marriage. I have a 7yr old son, a 12 yr and 15yr old daughter. I agree that you have to be carefull on how you discipline the child, but not that you should back off and have no part of the child until they approach you. Because the child is 12 you should definately make yourself present or he or she will try to walk all over you. When my husband's son is at our house, him, his mother and his father know, my rules apply to ALL children in the house. They all have things that they are responsible for before they get to play. I do not physically discipline Colby, but his father and I have sat down with his mother and talked about what is appropriate for our house and what we (and me alone) are allowed to do to punish wrong behavior. Now, it was my choice to leave the the spanking to her and him. But I will not let him think that it is a free for all at my house. And when it comes to my kids... my husband has been more of a father to them then their natural father in the past 4yrs. They are to respect and listen to him as if it was me telling them what to do. And just because the kids are over 12 means nothing... with kids that age, you have to involve them (within reason) into the relationship. I dated my husband for a while without them knowing before I introduced him to them. We also talked to them all before he moved in and before we decided to get married. Heck, my 12 yr old was the one who brought it up! My oldest NEVER tells my husband that he is not her father and doesn't have the right to tell her what to do. She knows better. Any child that doesn't respect an adult for trying to help their mother or father take care of them, or isn't happy that their mother or father found someone to share their life with, is being selfish. I'm sorry, but at 12 and older, the child is old enough to sit down and talk with and have them understand what is going on. Talk with your husband and the children. Set ground rules with the four of you of what you will and will not accept.... no matter what, there should be a line of respect for all four of you. And most definately, talk with your husband and find out from him what he thinks is resonable for you to do and not to do in regards to rules and enforcing them. (If you all have a good relationship with their mother, it would be good to involve her also). My big thing is, these kids are no different then if you had them yourself or adopted them from an agency. Make sure that you are allowed to be an active parent in their lives... in this day and age, it never hurts to have more parents helping to raise a child!



 



 



I call them my Bonus Sons



 





 

Sandra - posted on 07/09/2009

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Jennifer,

I am a stepmom also. My husband and I married 11 years ago, when the oldest two boys (my stepchildren) were 10 and 11. I also had 2 children that were 7 and 8, the youngest a girl. Do you have any children of your own, or any with your husband as well as the step children? It is important for you to not try to compete with their mother, and don't try to be their "buddy" -- they already have those. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. :-) Sandra

Irene - posted on 07/09/2009

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One thing I did as a step mom was when they didnt have school-I had a special day with one and then a special day with the other. it was our time to spend together to get to know each other and they had an opportunity to have special day with mom by themself. They look forward to it cause then they had mom all to themselves for a day.

Irene - posted on 07/09/2009

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My step daughters tuned 8 and 11 shortly after we were married. They are both grown now and one has 2 sons of her own. It is an extremely difficult responsibility. We had some really difficult times esp cause their mom caused so many problems. We have survived and I love my daughters-we dont use step-cause they are mine not by birth but by the heart. My ex and I made the mistake of putting me in the position of too much responsibility with the girls. Hindsight is great-Every situation is different and each child is different so you have to treat them as individuals. I love my daughters and am grateful for everything we have gone through cause it has made us closer and I believe Jen a better mom. LOL She learned from my mistakes. God Bless and I am here if you have any questions. I am a Christian so I approach things differently.

Shanda - posted on 07/09/2009

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I believe that being a stepmom is the hardest "job" i've ever had. I have a 20 yr old stepson, 16 yr old step daughter, and a 14 year old stepson. I have two boys of my own, 10 and 6. My stepchildren stay at their mom's house Sunday night through Thursday night, then come to our home on Thursday night...it's SOOOOOO tough. We should chat.

Christina - posted on 07/09/2009

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i am a mother of a 15yr old and a 14 yr old. i also have a 2yr old. my hus6and has a daughter who is 13. i find it hard you want to treat them like you treat you own children 6ut then you think that some how you might 6e intruding on something. it is difficult thats for sure.

Leslie - posted on 07/09/2009

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I am getting remarried soon and I get the honor of being a step mom to 3 beautiful girls. i am looking so forward to it but at the same time I am nervous because it is new territory. I have 3 kids of my own. I know what you mean by difficult

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