Anyone else experiencing this?

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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Hi...
My baby's father has commonly mentioned things about me being unattractive, overweight, not sexually appealing to him. (I am 11 pounds thinner post-baby, and she did not have any after-affects on my body). He is obsessed with porn and watching other girls alot.

It's hard to go anywhere or go shopping with him. He excuses himself to go outside or to the bathroom to check other girls out. He ditches me and the kids in the checkout line if he sees some pretty girl standing somewhere. It just makes me feel sad and hurt.

(I've dated a lot of guys, and never had one look at girls 24/7 like he does when I am with him). Or ditch us somewhere in a public place to try to have a better look.

He moaned "Oh Michelle" 3 times last week when I rubbed his leg in the middle of the night, but claims he doesn't know anyone named Michelle.

He hadn't dated anyone in 7 years prior to me meeting him.
He has never had a girlfriend longer than 1 month his entire life.
He is not an overly attractive man, and lately stares at himself in the mirror in some weird vain way, like he thinks he is the sexiest man alive.

He is also working very closely with a married woman (with 3 young children) at work that is a lot older than him, but she calls him for help after work at times that she should be spending with her family (he eats up the flattery and sits and laughs for hours on the phone with her while he is helping her, even going outside in the snow with his computer so he is not in the house near me when they talk and giggle with each other). (Her name is not Michelle either).

He complains that the things I am doing sexually aren't what he likes, even though I do any special request that he asks of me, that he is too tired to make love in the morning (so I stopped initiating in the morning altogether). Complains that he has to cuddle with me while I'm sleeping and that I am interrupting his sleep by trying to cuddle at all. The cuddling at night, by the way, was one of the ONLY things that really set him apart from all other men, and essentially the major reason I stayed with him even though he treats me poorly sometimes).

He doesn't take me to do things anymore, leaves me at home with the baby so he can shop and run errands (he doesn't have a lot of time to do this, so I don't suspect he is cheating physically).

He makes a lot of effort with the kids and house chores and other things that make it seem he wants me around. He does cuddle and have sex and seems to enjoy it, but then the comments about me being unattractive, fat, etc.

I wonder if I should just let him find whatever it is he is fantasizing for.

I feel really couped up, just working and coming home to care for kids. I can't go out and have fun with him (nor do I really want to because he stares at other girls the whole time we are out instead of making eye contact and laughing with me).

I feel like he is taking away all of my favorite things about him (cuddling, going out together, the great sex we used to enjoy together, making love in the morning, all gone now...).

He is still interested, wants a relationship, makes plans for our future, is not cheating as far as I can tell, and wants to make love to me, but the comments are getting me so down that I don't feel attractive, don't want to make love, just want him to hurry and get it over with.
Due to all his complaints and subtle hints, I am just feeling depressed and resentful.

I have shared custody of 2 other children. I left their father because we went through the same things after the children were born.

Do all relationships get to this point?
Is this all I have to look forward to?
The other person always somehow growing unhappy and bored because you are viewed as a mommy and not a sexy woman anymore?
They stop doing fun things with you, leave you at home with the kids, fantasize about other women?

Really bummed.

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Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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this is notthe norm, and honestly if unless you are with him 24/7 you do not know if he is cheating or not... you need to get out of this, because what he is doing is emotional abuse. he is manipulating you into thinking you are not beautiful... get out of there if he refuses to get help.. .and even if he DID want to get help, i would adice you to live in separate homes for a while, if you are not doing so now...

Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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no, this is HORRIBLE! he is bringing you down, i suggest you find a marraige counselor and start seeing them right away.

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Angela - posted on 02/08/2013

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Another interesting fact.

I talked with his mom.
She mentioned that his dad has always done these same things.
(Telling her that she wasn't thin enough, wishing he was with other girls, complaining about marriage, cutting on other things about her, complaining about her personality, saying that he wanted his single life back, etc.)

I guess that he is just like his dad.
That they are both chronic complainers.
She said they are both chronically unhappy and always been that way.

I guess even if he ever did like anything about me, he would never admit to it anyways.

She thought that both of them are projecting their unhappiness with themselves onto us (complaining about my weight even though he is 60 pounds heavier than me, etc.)
Same pattern of his parent's relationship.

Just interesting to hear that his mom went through the same things with his dad.

I guess this is why I've been single for 6 years - relationships have overall been a very big disappointment for me.

Angela - posted on 02/08/2013

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So...
I went to order him a Valentine's gift today.

When I asked him to check his email, he said he didn't have time to check his email to get the $200 Valentine's gift I sent.

I find out he was too busy catering to the married gal at work that I mentioned has been flirting with him and making him call her after hours. They spent an hour giggling on the phone last time she called him at night, and he insisted on talking to her outside trying to get out of earshot of me.

She is married with 3 children, her husband works at the same place he/she does.

Why isn't she spending time with her kids and husband after work instead of sitting on the phone with my baby's daddy?

Thankfully, the $200 Valentine's order got hung up at my credit card company.
Once I found out he was 'busy' with her and didn't have time to get my Valentine's gift, I was much turned off from even sending on altogether.

Ugh

Beth - posted on 01/30/2013

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Why did you even spend one minute with him in the first place let alone allow him to stick his penis in you?

Shawnteria - posted on 01/30/2013

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Sounds like you just need to let him go. How can a person be soooooooooooo unappreciative???????!!!!!!!!!!!

Angela - posted on 01/30/2013

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Shawnteria,
I understand your fiance's questions/thoughts.

However, I have changed my appearance to be **more** of what he likes since baby was born.
I have not let myself go at all.
I don't even go around him at all without makeup on and hair done (I even wear it to bed at night, pretty myself up before anything in the bedroom with him, re-do my makeup when I am home, never go out anywhere without makeup and hair done).
I didn't have him in the delivery room or hospital at all when our baby was born because I didn't want him to see me like that or be turned off by the baby being born. (I called him after she was born).
I had him look online and pick out clothing he considered 'sexy' and that's what I wear around him - stuff he specifically likes in the colors he specifically likes.
I changed my hair from blond and curly with bangs to straight and brown with no bangs because that's what he likes.
I wear stockings for him, because he is attracted to that as well.
I lost 12 pounds the past 2 1/2 weeks on a strict diet and exercise because he told me he wanted me to be skinnier
(Note that I am thinner NOW than when he initially met me and asked me out.)

I feel exhausted trying to please him and he is just not happy.
Lots of men have thought me to be attracted (I have been hit on by 4 guys just within the time since I have had my baby). A couple guys even asked me out when he broke up with me, while I was 9 months pregnant (they said I looked great even 9 months pregnant!)

Meanwhile, he is about 60 pounds heavier than me, lost almost all of his hair (he is only 34), needs very extensive work done on his teeth, wears glasses, has hair on his back, bad complexion, etc.

How can he be so picky about my looks and browsing other girls all the time?
I'm the only girl that ever even stuck around longer than 1 month with him. ...??

Kelsey - posted on 01/29/2013

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My ex use to do that a lot. He would call me fat and ask me when I'll lose the baby weight. Told me that I should stop breastfeeding so I could be put back on birth control so he didn't have to use condoms. He would obsess about porn and would watch it all the time. He would check out other girls in front of me and tell me that girl was attractive. He would text other girls and sent them pictures of himself. My best advice to you. Is either get help to repair your relationship or get out of it. A broken home is so much better for the child compared to seeing his father belittle and degrade his mother. I had severe depression after my son was born and it wasn't PPD. It was him. My ex was bring me down so much; I would think about suicide. Then one day, I just snapped and dumped him. It was the best decision I have ever made. What he is doing to you is mentally and emotionally abusing you. You don't notice it until your self-esteem is little to none left, What I realized now, being out of my relationship, is that I'm beautiful, funny, cheerful and fun and any man should be lucky to have me. There's nothing wrong with you; don't let him bring you down. You're better then that.

Shawnteria - posted on 01/29/2013

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I read your post to my fiancee because i wanted an answer to your questions as well his answer was no so i asked what could you do to fix your relationship because it sounds as if you want to fix it his reply was you should try to be more open because there must be something your not doing or something he wants that your not giving try dressing sexy while your in the house with him because sometimes mommys start to not care about there appearance while at home because they feel as if they dont have to worry your partner knows what he "has" so to speak. Ask him what he wants and be open to his response.

I hope this helps...and i apologize if your offended that i spoke of this to my fiancee.

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013

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I forgot to say above...

We are not married.
He won't go to counseling (he blames our problems solely on me).

We have only been together a little over 17 months total.
We have a 4 month old baby together.

I asked him to marry me while I was pregnant.
He took me surprise engagement ring shopping at 6 months pregnant, had the most romantic beautiful day ever, ordered a custom engagement ring.

Then he didn't pick up the ring from the store.
His parents told him not to marry me when he told them the 'happy' news.
He was crushed. He moved out of our home at that time.

He broke off our engagement for the duration of my pregnancy.
We reconciled when she was 2 months old as boyfriend/girlfriend.
He claims he wants to get married at some point, but also says that marriage doesn't have any meaning to him (he is not religious or spiritual).

I regret divorcing/leaving my other childrens' father.
I didn't want to have an expensive, hard-on-the-kids shared custody situation with this baby.
I wanted to raise her in one home, no matter what it took.

The relationships I was in ended up like this.
The other person was bored emotionally and sexually.
They ended up cheating or telling me they were miserable until I left them.

Is this all there is?
Does anyone have any happy stories post-children?
Or do all men get bored and unhappy after children?

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