Anyone else in this situation?

Heather - posted on 06/16/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend (soon to be husband) has 2 children that he is trying to build a relationship with. He was separated from them for most of their lives. I helped him find them and start the whole process.

Both children came to stay with us last summer (us being my 5 year old daughter, my boyfriend and myself.) They stayed with us for most of the summer. I thought things went well even though it wasn't easy for any of us.

I found out recently that their mother, who they live with the rest of the time, is bad mouthing me to them. I'm not the kind of person to do that to anyone. It is sick to mess with children's minds. What should I do if they say something nasty to me?

Their father wants to handle all the discipline. That is fine with me, but what if they are mean to my daughter or hurt her?

They are coming to stay with us again this summer and I am so stressed out.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation?

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Ev - posted on 06/17/2013

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Its not always jealousy that is why some mom's talk bad or negative about another woman around their kids. Sometimes it is worry how the other woman treats their kids. You have to also understand her point of view since she does not know you very well and you are around her children for a lot of summer time. I have also had issues with my kids' two step mothers. I tried to be civil and talk nicely about things but when those two women stepped over the line where the decisions were that of my ex husband and me; I told them were it stood. Granted there are things that all the parents in the picture need to be on the same page about; but there are things that the two bio parents need to choose for their own kids.

Just think for a minute how you would feel if your own daughter went to spend the summer with her father and an unknown woman you had no idea about.

Jerilyn - posted on 06/17/2013

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Then the best thing to do is ignore her. Make her think your better than her, which you are definitely!!! That will eat her alive!! Just know that he is yours and not hers. When you see her just smile! She'll go nuts!! Lol :)

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Ev - posted on 06/19/2013

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Jerilyn~I have to disagree on a few points.

1. Not every Bio Mom is jealous of the other woman nor does every Bio Mom make snide and negative remarks.

2. Calling the Bio Mom out on her behavior is stooping to her level and does nothing to help or remedy the situation. Instead of confronting her in such a way, try talking to her calmly and with a respectful tone (not giving her respect--just being polite) and tell her you do not like the comments coming back to you from the kids about what she has said. Nine times out of ten she is going to deny that she said anything and that the kids made it up. But it goes both ways...the GF can do the same thing. Ignoring her is the best choice here.

3. Just because she does this one thing does not make her a bad mother otherwise.

4. Calling someone retarded is outdated and not nice. Retarded was more or less used for those with mental issues and is no longer applied to them. I do not like the word retarded and do not use it in my vocabulary.

Heather - posted on 06/18/2013

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You are so right. Thank you so much for sharing your words of wisdom and experience with me.

Heather - posted on 06/18/2013

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You are so right. Thank you so much for sharing your words of wisdom and experience with me.

Ev - posted on 06/18/2013

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And there are some that are like that. I think she tried to make out like I was jealous of her but in reality I think she was worried I would try to take him back not that I would do so. My kids were heart broken that spring and summer when both she and my ex spoke about me badly. I told the kids that it was not my problem; it was their problem. I also explained that by talking about me that way they were more worried with things outside their own marriage and family and thus took away the time and energy that needed to be put into that marriage/family and put it elsewhere and in the end it was not hurting me at all but they were actually hurting themselves.

Heather - posted on 06/18/2013

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I'm sorry to hear that.

I am just going to be the better person and try to ignore it.

Maybe I'm just over emotional but it seems that she would really like it if my boyfriend and I broke up.

Ev - posted on 06/18/2013

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THere is no absolute reason for her to do this but it makes her feel better about herself or makes her feel she is better than you when she bad mouths you to the kids. I am sorry to hear this.

I am on the other side of this fence as I am the Bio Mom and I get nothing but negative from the step mom from what my kids have told me about what she says about me. But she has never tried to get to know me a bit or even tried to get to know my kids either.

Heather - posted on 06/17/2013

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Thank you Evelyn. I do think about her point of view and have tried to extend the olive branch but for some reason she just wants to be the way she is. I haven't had a lot of contact with her for that reason. My boyfriend doesn't talk to her much either except when it comes to the kids. He has said that is the way she was when they were together and that she hasn't changed at all.

I am sure she has her reasons but is it really necessary to say bad things to the kids about me? What would her motive be for that?

Heather - posted on 06/17/2013

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Thank you Evelyn. I do think about her point of view and have tried to extend the olive branch but for some reason she just wants to be the way she is. I haven't had a lot of contact with her for that reason. My boyfriend doesn't talk to her much either except when it comes to the kids. He has said that is the way she was when they were together and that she hasn't changed at all.

I am sure she has her reasons but is it really necessary to say bad things to the kids about me? What would her motive be for that?

Heather - posted on 06/17/2013

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Thanks! I will do that. I'm not the kind of person who talks bad about people, especially to kids, but I guess I get some satisfaction knowing that he is mine and not hers.

Heather - posted on 06/17/2013

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Thanks Jerilyn. I talked to my boyfriend and he said that it would be a bad idea because she is a nasty person and she would pick a fight with me.

As for my daughter, it is her son specifically I am nervous about being around my daughter.

Jerilyn - posted on 06/16/2013

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Of course the X is going to bad mouth you, I mean really everyone has something stupid to say about the father of her kids is with another women. Its called Jealous. How I would handle it, would be to call her up or when you see her front her out. if you don't like confrontation, then maybe make you soon to be hubby deal with it. But sounds like to me that she isn't a good mom to be sitting there infront of her kids bad mouthing you or someone else. Bc they will grow up and think that its ok to do that! She must be retarded. Honestly call her out on it. Whats the worse that could happen??? Nothing...Now for your daughter.. DO NOT leaver her alone with her! Sounds like to be she would do something mean to her.. let me know what you think

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