Anyone out there give birth to a child born from another race and born from rape / adultery?

Sheryl - posted on 12/07/2009 ( 86 moms have responded )

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I am a white woman who was raped by a black male while he was committing adultery on his first wife (he is now married to wife #2). I want to know if anyone else out there can relate. He was only a breeder, never a birthfather.

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Kate CP - posted on 12/09/2009

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Quoting Christina:



I know it is an option to SOME people, but it shouldn't even be suggested, especially on a forum for MOTHERS. 






Personally, I think that every woman that keeps a baby, whether planned or unplanned, conceived by rape or consensual sex, is a better woman than ANY of us. It takes love and it takes courage and I know that can be hard if you ended up pregnant from a rape. But it can be done and THAT should be encouraged, not abortion. I think, and many other mothers do as well, that abortion is a selfish option b/c, as someone said earlier, "Adoption would be much harder ". It may be hard, but at least the baby has a chance. When you're pregnant, it shouldn't be about YOU it should be about the BABY when it comes to options.. What's best for the baby?





It's not up to you what a woman's options are. If a woman decided she does not want to carry and birth a child it is her right by the United States constitution to look into abortion as an option. You can yell and scream how it's a sin and it's horrible and it's a choice no woman should ever be allowed to make. But, there are women out there (like me) who will yell right back that a woman has a choice with whom she sleeps with and whether or not she is a mother. So, while abortion may not be an option FOR YOU, it may be for another woman. If a woman on this forum decides to point out that abortion is an option and I delete it then I should also delete all the posts that say adoption is an option. Don't want to offend anyone, right?



When you create your own community you can censor your members all you want. Also, your post is a direct attack on women who have had an abortion in the past. That is against the guidelines of this forum and should be removed. I am going to hand this issue over to another moderator so it can be dealt with fairly and appropriately.

Kate CP - posted on 12/07/2009

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Quoting Christina:



Quoting Miranda:

Oh my God, I can't relate but I am so sorry. Just don't forget you have options. Abortion is nothing to be ashamed of, although people like to think so, its an option...Adoption would be much harder but also is an option, and so is keeping it. Whatever you chose, I am here if you need some support. Take care hun.





WHAT?!?!?!?!?



OH MY GOD!!! I can't believe you would actually encourage abortion on a MOTHER'S FORUM!!!!!!!!!!!! 



First of all, I am sorry that happened to you. I've never been through it, but I have family that has. My Great Aunt was raped when she was younger. She kept the baby, loved and cared for the baby, just as if she had planned to get pregnant! I would say keep it or give it up for adoption. Just b/c you were raped doesn't mean you have to punish the baby. It's not the baby's fault.





Well, whether you like it or not abortion IS an option for any woman who does not want to have a baby for any reason. And Miranda has every right to remind some one that it's an option. She didn't TELL her to get an abortion or even encourage her to do so. She simply said "abortion is an option". 

Denise - posted on 01/24/2013

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My grandson is bi racial and his "biological Father" is nothing but a breeder. Our family adores this beautiful angel and how he came to this world never crosses our mind. Make sure to get good positive male role models in the child's life. I used to be so worried of people judging my daughter and before long, we never notice there is a color difference and it happens much more nowadays to have bi racial children so there is not the prejudice we expect. If anyone says anything or looks down their nose, they are ignorant and not worthy of you or your child's time. Love overcomes all, including rape and hate. Just love.

C. - posted on 12/07/2009

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Quoting Skye:

I have a three year old, who was conceived during a rape. i love him with everything, no matter what, hes mine..my question is what to tell my son when he asks about his biological father ( i have been with my fiancee since my son was 7 mos old, and we have another son together) I cant imagine him knowing what really happened..buti dont want to lie to him either.


I would tell him the truth when he's old enough to handle it. I don't think you should lie either. He may resent you for it if/when he finds out the truth.

Anna - posted on 12/09/2009

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Quoting Skye:

I have a three year old, who was conceived during a rape. i love him with everything, no matter what, hes mine..my question is what to tell my son when he asks about his biological father ( i have been with my fiancee since my son was 7 mos old, and we have another son together) I cant imagine him knowing what really happened..buti dont want to lie to him either.


OMG!!! DO NOT TELL HIM!!! I never knew my father  and when I was 11 I asked my mother who he was and she toldd me she was raped to conceive me. I was diagnosed with severe depression 6 weeks later and was in and out of mental hospitals (3 hospitals, 1=twice, 1=3 times) until I was 15, when I entered a children's home. Come to find out, when I was 16, that she lied!!! She was shacked up with him for two weeks, he was a carny! LOL! I I still suffer from depression, and it has been 19 years. I would much rather have been told the truth, or some other lie. The raped for conception thing is a horrible burden to bear. Tell your child daddy died in the war, or ANYTHING! Just not the truth!!

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Siegrid - posted on 10/25/2012

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Skye Williams-alloway I think you should probably consider asking him (starting at some age over 16) how he would feel about a situation like that. Like what would he think if that happened to a friend of his. How would he feel about it. Find something in the news about it, or watch a movie with that theme and start asking him questions. This should give you an idea of his state of mind about it. And then you go from there.

Cindy - posted on 12/12/2009

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hi sheryl. yes i can relate. iwas raped by a black man who i thought was a friend. we never knew my daughter belonged to him, i know it only takes once. but i love my child reguardless who the sperm donor is, but sometimes she makes a certain face and look like him and it brings back bad memories, and thoughts. men are dogs!! some have fleas some are just waiting to get a chance to get fleas. lol hang in there.

Octavia - posted on 12/11/2009

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My best friend has a 8 year old daughter conceived through rape and she loves her just as much as she loves her other 2 children. Her problem however is that the father now wants to be in her daughters life. I see what she is going through and I know how it forces her to relive the incident everytime she sees him... I can only empathize with what you are going through because I know it has to be very hard for you. Whatever you decide to do, it is ultimately your decision and you are the one that has to make the choice. I will keep you in my prayers.

Tracy - posted on 12/11/2009

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Hi, Sheryl. I am so, so sorry that you have experienced this. I cannot relate from your side, but I wanted to tell a story. When I was in high school, I babysat for a family in my church that had two wonderful children. They decided to also become a foster family, and the first baby they got was a product of a white woman raped by a black man. they ended up having this baby for almost a full year before she was adopted, so I had a chance to get to know her. I have to say that she was absolutely the most wonderful baby! She was a joy to everyone who met her...all smiles and snuggles. Just a great baby. I never met that baby's mother, but I will always have the utmost respect for her. Carrying a nine month reminder of what happened to her was amazing, and I'm so glad that she made the decision that she did. I often wonder what happened to that precious little girl. God bless you and your baby! Tracy

[deleted account]

I am social worker/counselor and I would like to offer my over 20 years of experience on this topic. Yes, a child should know the truth about their history. Otherwise the child will find out the truth from someone else and resent you. Simply answer the questions as they come short and to the point never offering more information then a child can handle based on their age and stage of developement. Just as you would not tell a 3 year old about sex, you would not tell him/her that they were the product of rape. You might however say that "your daddy did not always make good choices", or "he did not always keep me safe, and I was afraid he would not be able to keep you safe either". "I loved you and it was important to me that you had a good life". "I decided to bring you into the world and that I could keep you safe". "What your dad did was wrong, and even though he hurt me, It is important to me that you always feel loved". If you choose adoption as an option please abandon the term "I gave my baby up". One does not give a baby up, one chooses to give a baby life and to give them a chance at the best life possible. Making an adoption plan might be the chance to give that child a two parent family that will love and care for that baby in all circumstances. The child will learn to have two mothers, the one that grew her/him in her belly and the one that grew him/her in her heart. I am pro adoption as I suffered from infertility for 11 years and have a daughter that is the result of a birth mother's choice to carry her. I also understand that a woman living in the United States has the right to make the choice to terminate her pregnancy. I personally do not believe in abortion, however, I can respect a woman's right to choose without judgement. Good luck and God Bless you and keep you in his loving care as you make your decision.

Carrie from NC

Sheryl - posted on 12/11/2009

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Hello Circle: for those of you who have heard my heart on my question, thank you for your love and healing. My question did not indicate anything about Adoption or Abortion. I am sorry some of you added to the question. I wanted to know if there are other mixed race babies out there born from rape (of a man of a different race.) I have been living in torture for 21 years with that. Its hard when the race card has to be played on this.

Jeanne - posted on 12/11/2009

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Abortion should not be an option. God created that baby for a purpose. God can make good out of bad situations. God knew that baby before it was placed in the womb and He loves it. If you don't think you could take care of it, Adoption is an excellent option. There a plenty of parents that would love that wonderful child no matter what.

Marvelous - posted on 12/11/2009

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Quoting Jade:

i know i'm coming into this a little late...but
i haven't been raped...and i'm not the child of a rapist
but my older sister does not have the same father as me and my younger brother do
we had been told all our lives that we had the same father and my parents would joke and say that she has dads feet or whatever...but it was until a few yrs ago that the truth came out thanks to a relative who knew but didn't realise that i didn't know yet
I was hurt that my parents didn't feel that we could handle knowing that she's our half sister seeing as i grew up with friends who have younger/older half siblings i understood the meaning of it

but i also think that seeing as this is a bit more harsher truth...don't lie to him about his father being a hero *persay* yes i am another army wife and it kills me that time that he has to spend away from me and the kids but he/she sill ask you where their father is and i think as someone posted before how they said they were young and it didn't work out that's a better way to go then portraying them as something their not should
i think they'd be more heartbroken finding out that their father wasn't this hero and that he hurt you rather then even just finding some way of delaying the truth till their older...even telling them in their teens will destroy them find a way to tell them in their 20's

just my two cents :)



i wld really lik to agre with u jade. the earlier u tell the child the better . dont wait till they r teenagers coz thats a very difficult tym for a child on its own.

Marvelous - posted on 12/11/2009

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hey gal i know of someone close to me who also had a baby out of rape. someone sh did not love and never wanted to love bt now the gal z all grown up . its not the end of the world. a child is jus born innocent without knowing anything. if u decide to keep the child never look at hm or her differently. s**t happens dear bt hey move on.

[deleted account]

i know i'm coming into this a little late...but
i haven't been raped...and i'm not the child of a rapist
but my older sister does not have the same father as me and my younger brother do
we had been told all our lives that we had the same father and my parents would joke and say that she has dads feet or whatever...but it was until a few yrs ago that the truth came out thanks to a relative who knew but didn't realise that i didn't know yet
I was hurt that my parents didn't feel that we could handle knowing that she's our half sister seeing as i grew up with friends who have younger/older half siblings i understood the meaning of it

but i also think that seeing as this is a bit more harsher truth...don't lie to him about his father being a hero *persay* yes i am another army wife and it kills me that time that he has to spend away from me and the kids but he/she sill ask you where their father is and i think as someone posted before how they said they were young and it didn't work out that's a better way to go then portraying them as something their not should
i think they'd be more heartbroken finding out that their father wasn't this hero and that he hurt you rather then even just finding some way of delaying the truth till their older...even telling them in their teens will destroy them find a way to tell them in their 20's

just my two cents :)

Amy - posted on 12/11/2009

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I have no experience to draw from on this subject, but i really think that the child should not be told how they were conceived! I think a lie to preserve innocence is a whole lot less traumatizing than the truth in this case!!

Maria - posted on 12/11/2009

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I was raped (when I was 16) by a black man but thankfully did not get pregnant. I can only say that what does not kill you makes you strronger. If you raise your child, give it up for adoption or abort it, it is your choice and choose what is best for you and your life. everything will work out the way it should.

Erin - posted on 12/10/2009

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I'm so very sorry that this has happened to you, whatever you decide to do will be for the best because you have decided it for yourself.



To all of the other mothers on here that have gotten WAY off topic.....SHAME ON ALL OF YOU. This mother was trying to get advice on what she should do, she didn't need to be listening to all of these harsh comments between all of you. tsk tsk ladies!!



Good luck to you Sheryl, everything will work out the way it's supposed to :))

C. - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Jenell:



Quoting Jaime-Leigh:




Quoting Christina:





Quoting Kate:






Quoting Christina:







I know it is an option to SOME people, but it shouldn't even be suggested, especially on a forum for MOTHERS. 














Personally, I think that every woman that keeps a baby, whether planned or unplanned, conceived by rape or consensual sex, is a better woman than ANY of us. It takes love and it takes courage and I know that can be hard if you ended up pregnant from a rape. But it can be done and THAT should be encouraged, not abortion. I think, and many other mothers do as well, that abortion is a selfish option b/c, as someone said earlier, "Adoption would be much harder ". It may be hard, but at least the baby has a chance. When you're pregnant, it shouldn't be about YOU it should be about the BABY when it comes to options.. What's best for the baby?


















It's not up to you what a woman's options are. If a woman decided she does not want to carry and birth a child it is her right by the United States constitution to look into abortion as an option. You can yell and scream how it's a sin and it's horrible and it's a choice no woman should ever be allowed to make. But, there are women out there (like me) who will yell right back that a woman has a choice with whom she sleeps with and whether or not she is a mother. So, while abortion may not be an option FOR YOU, it may be for another woman. If a woman on this forum decides to point out that abortion is an option and I delete it then I should also delete all the posts that say adoption is an option. Don't want to offend anyone, right?












When you create your own community you can censor your members all you want. Also, your post is a direct attack on women who have had an abortion in the past. That is against the guidelines of this forum and should be removed. I am going to hand this issue over to another moderator so it can be dealt with fairly and appropriately.















It's not a direct attack on anyone, I just posted MY opinion on the issue. And I DO think that the babies should be thought of, b/c a lot of people that do get abortions DON'T think about the baby.













Abortion, adoption and deciding to keep and raise a baby are three VALID options to consider when a woman is pregnant--NO MATTER the circumstances!  Personal views on the matter aside, as Kate pointed out, when another person reminds someone that they have these options (most likely as a way of showing support) it is not inappropriate to mention all of them.  I don't feel that mentioning abortion to a woman that is pregnant is a means of encouraging her to opt for that course of action.  Although there are some women that are able to move past the sometimes horrifying circumstances in which they fall pregnant, not all women are capable of this--so for them, abortion is the best option.  I think that as mothers we should at least appreciate the struggles of childbearing and childrearing enough to know that it is a life-long committment (emotionally, mentally and often physically)...and it is not suited for everyone!










This is a very delicate topic, I completely agree that all options are available and should be available to all women whether some women like it or not. My best friend is in a similar situation and none of her family was supportive except her sister and dad. She recently had that baby (now almost 3 months old). She is the strongest women I know, to be able to live through this and make the best out of the situation, but I would completely understand if a women in that situation had an abortion. Not EVERY person is emotionally and mentally strong enough to deal with being raped, let alone getting pregnant as a result of it. Not every woman is strong enough mentally or emotionally to deal with adoption, and the same with keeping a baby that is conceived from a rape. 





Stop trying to start this up again! We have already gotten WAY off topic, in case you haven't noticed and the moderators were asking that if you DO want to discuss it, start another thread. The only reason I even care that someone is bringing it up is b/c I was the one that originally opposed it. I still oppose it. But start another thread!!!!

Jenell - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Jaime-Leigh:



Quoting Christina:




Quoting Kate:





Quoting Christina:






I know it is an option to SOME people, but it shouldn't even be suggested, especially on a forum for MOTHERS. 












Personally, I think that every woman that keeps a baby, whether planned or unplanned, conceived by rape or consensual sex, is a better woman than ANY of us. It takes love and it takes courage and I know that can be hard if you ended up pregnant from a rape. But it can be done and THAT should be encouraged, not abortion. I think, and many other mothers do as well, that abortion is a selfish option b/c, as someone said earlier, "Adoption would be much harder ". It may be hard, but at least the baby has a chance. When you're pregnant, it shouldn't be about YOU it should be about the BABY when it comes to options.. What's best for the baby?















It's not up to you what a woman's options are. If a woman decided she does not want to carry and birth a child it is her right by the United States constitution to look into abortion as an option. You can yell and scream how it's a sin and it's horrible and it's a choice no woman should ever be allowed to make. But, there are women out there (like me) who will yell right back that a woman has a choice with whom she sleeps with and whether or not she is a mother. So, while abortion may not be an option FOR YOU, it may be for another woman. If a woman on this forum decides to point out that abortion is an option and I delete it then I should also delete all the posts that say adoption is an option. Don't want to offend anyone, right?










When you create your own community you can censor your members all you want. Also, your post is a direct attack on women who have had an abortion in the past. That is against the guidelines of this forum and should be removed. I am going to hand this issue over to another moderator so it can be dealt with fairly and appropriately.












It's not a direct attack on anyone, I just posted MY opinion on the issue. And I DO think that the babies should be thought of, b/c a lot of people that do get abortions DON'T think about the baby.










Abortion, adoption and deciding to keep and raise a baby are three VALID options to consider when a woman is pregnant--NO MATTER the circumstances!  Personal views on the matter aside, as Kate pointed out, when another person reminds someone that they have these options (most likely as a way of showing support) it is not inappropriate to mention all of them.  I don't feel that mentioning abortion to a woman that is pregnant is a means of encouraging her to opt for that course of action.  Although there are some women that are able to move past the sometimes horrifying circumstances in which they fall pregnant, not all women are capable of this--so for them, abortion is the best option.  I think that as mothers we should at least appreciate the struggles of childbearing and childrearing enough to know that it is a life-long committment (emotionally, mentally and often physically)...and it is not suited for everyone!






This is a very delicate topic, I completely agree that all options are available and should be available to all women whether some women like it or not. My best friend is in a similar situation and none of her family was supportive except her sister and dad. She recently had that baby (now almost 3 months old). She is the strongest women I know, to be able to live through this and make the best out of the situation, but I would completely understand if a women in that situation had an abortion. Not EVERY person is emotionally and mentally strong enough to deal with being raped, let alone getting pregnant as a result of it. Not every woman is strong enough mentally or emotionally to deal with adoption, and the same with keeping a baby that is conceived from a rape. 

C. - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Anna:

Also, for all you women that are so scandalized by the fact that I would lie to my kids, and would have another woman lie to her child about it, let me ask you some things. HOW many of you are wrapping presents for your children and addressing them from Santa? Why are you doing it? What are you gonna say if they ask you if there really is a Santa and they are only 5 or 6? How do you think they will take it when they find out there is no Santa and you have been lying to them? Why is it justified to lie to kids for the fun of it, but not to spare their innocence? What are you gonna tell your 3 your old if they ask you how you got a baby in your tummy? Please don't tell me you'll drag out the homemade porn for educational purposes. If you don't at least tell them what Daddy did to you, you are lying!!! And justifiably, don't you think? Do you think they will freak out in sex ed in the 6th grade and point an accusing finger at you and say,"YOU LIAR!! You said that when two people love each other God gives them a baby! I can't believe you had sex and didn't tell me!!" No, I hardly think so!! They are going to be GLAD you never told them!! And you are preserving their innocence, why should the topic at hand be any different? I am here, telling you it happened to me and it was detrimental as all heck, and when I found out later it was a lie, I felt better about myself, and even though I still resent my mother at times, we have a good relationship. In fact, I am baking her a cake right now, and the worst I have done to it is lick the spatula and stick it back in the batter!


First of all, Santa Claus is a Christmas TRADITION.. Lying to your children SHOULD NOT be a tradition!!! Didn't finish reading your post b/c the first couple lines were just ridiculous! 

C. - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Anna:

Also, for all you women that are so scandalized by the fact that I would lie to my kids, and would have another woman lie to her child about it, let me ask you some things. HOW many of you are wrapping presents for your children and addressing them from Santa? Why are you doing it? What are you gonna say if they ask you if there really is a Santa and they are only 5 or 6? How do you think they will take it when they find out there is no Santa and you have been lying to them? Why is it justified to lie to kids for the fun of it, but not to spare their innocence? What are you gonna tell your 3 your old if they ask you how you got a baby in your tummy? Please don't tell me you'll drag out the homemade porn for educational purposes. If you don't at least tell them what Daddy did to you, you are lying!!! And justifiably, don't you think? Do you think they will freak out in sex ed in the 6th grade and point an accusing finger at you and say,"YOU LIAR!! You said that when two people love each other God gives them a baby! I can't believe you had sex and didn't tell me!!" No, I hardly think so!! They are going to be GLAD you never told them!! And you are preserving their innocence, why should the topic at hand be any different? I am here, telling you it happened to me and it was detrimental as all heck, and when I found out later it was a lie, I felt better about myself, and even though I still resent my mother at times, we have a good relationship. In fact, I am baking her a cake right now, and the worst I have done to it is lick the spatula and stick it back in the batter!


First of all, Santa Claus is a Christmas TRADITION.. Lying to your children SHOULD NOT be a tradition!!! Didn't finish reading your post b/c the first couple lines were just ridiculous! 

C. - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Anna:







First of all, if you want to start the whole grandfather, mother, father, uncle cousins thing.. I can do that too. My great grandfather, both grandfathers, uncle, both mother AND father, cousins, my husband, my husband's father, etc.. WERE ALL in the military.. Don't pull that card on me b/c it doesn't work. If you approach the situation in the right way and explain to your child when they are old enough to understand, then it won't be damaging. Lying to them and then them finding out the truth can be MORE damaging than being honest with them from the get-go. 








And yes, telling the child that their father died in the war IS honoring the father (who was a rapist!!!!) b/c dying for your country takes courage, bravery and a heart. Clearly rapists don't have either one of those or else they wouldn't rape anyone! How can someone sit there and tell their child a huge lie like that?!? Especially when the father (rapist) does NOT deserve that respect and honor!!!! 

And, excuse me.. Did you say that had you been raped you would tell your child that the father WAS and HONORABLE man??? What in the world?!?!?!? Being a rapist is NOT honorable, whether you tell your child he was a rapist or not, and does NOT deserve to be put on a pedestal for something so horrific!!! You CAN honor your CHILD W/O HONORING THE FATHER!!!! BY KEEPING the child, you have honored them.

Here's a thought.. If you did tell your child that their father was an honorable man even though you were raped, and they found out the truth.. Think about how they would react. They would most likely resent you for telling them that he was such a great man instead of telling them the truth!









I Certainly don't mean that I would actually think the rapist was an actually honorable man! SHEESH! I would lie! I thought I made it perfectly clear that it is horribly damaging to a child to know they are a product of rape, rather than believing they are the child of an honorable man who died. That is just comman sense! And why would they ever have to know the truth? Children are not little adults, they are fragile and precious and need to be protected. I would offer the lie to PROTECT them. As I said before, my mother told me she ws raped to coceive ME and it hurt like nothing before and nothing since. It has damaged my self esteem and has caused chronic depression for two decades. I will say it again to the original poster and to anyone- If you choose to let your baby live, and to raise it your self after being raped to conceive, LIE through your teeth, your child be better off. And if you have a need to tell them, I believe you are being selfish.






 





Wow, how could you not realize that you just contradicted yourself???? You said "rather than believing they are the child of an honorable man who died" but then again you also said "actually think the rapist was an actually honorable man".. Hmm.. And I never said YOU would think the rapist was an honorable man just for telling your child that. But if someone DID tell their child that, they would think that their father was honorable, when they in fact were not. Also, I made my point VERY clear earlier that if she told her son, to tell him when he was OLDER. Of course, you would know that if you actually read it. 

Also, telling someone to LIE to their child??? What the heck are you on? You said before in a different post "I would much rather have been told the truth, or some other lie." I know you weren't talking about rape, b/c you said your mother lied about the whole rape thing, but put yourself in a rape baby's shoes when they are an adult. Would you rather find out that your father WASN'T an honorable man at all, or would you rather you had known from the beginning??? Think about this, if you tell your child that their father was honorable and died at war, first of all, that IS honoring the FATHER, not the CHILD.. Second of all, if the child was ever to find out the truth later in life, they would be more hurt b/c they have come to know their father as this honorable man for all this time.. That would be crushing to them!

"And if you have a need to tell them, I believe you are being selfish."



You are WAY out of line on that one! How can you possibly think that the mother is being selfish??? Sure, no one wants to be the product of a rape, but it's nothing you can turn back time for. The most important thing is that the mother loved and raised the child to the best of her abilities.



Also, "It has damaged my self esteem and has caused chronic depression for two decades".. You are talking to the Queen of Depression. I was molested as a young girl, my Father died when I was 9.. Years and YEARS I had battled severe depression.. And when I finally started coming out of depression from those things, I battled Postpartum Depression for over a year! Don't come crying to me about depression.. I know all about it and I have seen my mom battle it and my brother battles (TO THIS DAY) severe depression from when our Dad died. 



I will end with this, if I can forgive someone for violating me when I was 4, you should be able to forgive your mother for lying to you! You are a grown woman!!! Act like it PLEASE!

Anna - posted on 12/10/2009

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Also, for all you women that are so scandalized by the fact that I would lie to my kids, and would have another woman lie to her child about it, let me ask you some things. HOW many of you are wrapping presents for your children and addressing them from Santa? Why are you doing it? What are you gonna say if they ask you if there really is a Santa and they are only 5 or 6? How do you think they will take it when they find out there is no Santa and you have been lying to them? Why is it justified to lie to kids for the fun of it, but not to spare their innocence? What are you gonna tell your 3 your old if they ask you how you got a baby in your tummy? Please don't tell me you'll drag out the homemade porn for educational purposes. If you don't at least tell them what Daddy did to you, you are lying!!! And justifiably, don't you think? Do you think they will freak out in sex ed in the 6th grade and point an accusing finger at you and say,"YOU LIAR!! You said that when two people love each other God gives them a baby! I can't believe you had sex and didn't tell me!!" No, I hardly think so!! They are going to be GLAD you never told them!! And you are preserving their innocence, why should the topic at hand be any different? I am here, telling you it happened to me and it was detrimental as all heck, and when I found out later it was a lie, I felt better about myself, and even though I still resent my mother at times, we have a good relationship. In fact, I am baking her a cake right now, and the worst I have done to it is lick the spatula and stick it back in the batter!

Anna - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Cassie:

But what happens when that child reaches the age of 20 and somehow finds out that he is a product of rape. How damaging would the realization be that he had been lied to his entire life about something so significant?


Well, I cannot speak for every child who has been told they are a product of rape, but speaking for myself, I would have appreaciated it if my mother had told me that she was madly in love with him, and he turned out to be married, or he got hit by a train. Seriously, anything but what I was told!!! I felt guilty that my father did that do her. I felt shamed that his genes were in my genes. I felt like I needed to keep my distance from my mother so I didn't remind her of him just from my presence. I felt unwanted and like I couldn't possibly be loved as such a person. I felt like I had to seek love and acceptance from others. I married young and too soon to a man I didn't love because he loved me. I tried to commit suicide 3 different times as a teenager. I ran away, skipped school, tried to get pregnant, got expelled from school, fought in school, smoked pot, drank alcohol and stole from people and stores. All this started with in months after I "found out" and before that, I was an A & B student, shy as I could be, a quiet bookworm. I was still playing with my Barbies and went to cutting on myself and stapling my flesh, yes, with a stapler! Seriously, kids really don't need to know that kind of stuff! I would have taken it a lot better had I been told as a child he was a great man and it didn't work out, and she didn't want to tell him she was pregnant to "trap" him. Then told as an adult, if she felt she must. But I can tell you, I wish to God she had never told me she was RAPED to conceive me.

Edited to add, if I would have somehow "found out" as an adult she had lied about it, and she had been raped, I may have been upset at first at having been lied to, but would have thanked her for considering my feelings and my innocence as a child. I wish she would have. But she didn't, and I feel like a strong woman, but I had a hell of a life before I found the Lord and seeked forgiveness for being such an unwanted burden to my mother.

Jaime - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Loureen:



Quoting Jaime-Leigh:




Quoting Tammy:





Quoting Kate:






Quoting Christina:







I know it is an option to SOME people, but it shouldn't even be suggested, especially on a forum for MOTHERS. 














Personally, I think that every woman that keeps a baby, whether planned or unplanned, conceived by rape or consensual sex, is a better woman than ANY of us. It takes love and it takes courage and I know that can be hard if you ended up pregnant from a rape. But it can be done and THAT should be encouraged, not abortion. I think, and many other mothers do as well, that abortion is a selfish option b/c, as someone said earlier, "Adoption would be much harder ". It may be hard, but at least the baby has a chance. When you're pregnant, it shouldn't be about YOU it should be about the BABY when it comes to options.. What's best for the baby?


















It's not up to you what a woman's options are. If a woman decided she does not want to carry and birth a child it is her right by the United States constitution to look into abortion as an option. You can yell and scream how it's a sin and it's horrible and it's a choice no woman should ever be allowed to make. But, there are women out there (like me) who will yell right back that a woman has a choice with whom she sleeps with and whether or not she is a mother. So, while abortion may not be an option FOR YOU, it may be for another woman. If a woman on this forum decides to point out that abortion is an option and I delete it then I should also delete all the posts that say adoption is an option. Don't want to offend anyone, right?












When you create your own community you can censor your members all you want. Also, your post is a direct attack on women who have had an abortion in the past. That is against the guidelines of this forum and should be removed. I am going to hand this issue over to another moderator so it can be dealt with fairly and appropriately.















When a woman concieves,she becomes a mother;no matter how the conception occured,or how long that child lives. You will always be that childs mother.  What else would she be, by making decisions about carrying and birthing a child. That would be a mother. So yes,abortion is a choice some women make; as a mother. I felt this was a very necessary thing to say for all women,in compassion for children lost,or taken at any stage of life.













A woman doesn't become a mother the moment she conceives...people that have had miscarriages, abortions or given their child up for adoption are not mothers.  I think the entire point of these comments is to offer support and also discuss the reality of an unwanted pregnancy.  Some women choose to carry on and be a mother to the child, some women choose to give the child up for adoption and some women choose to abort the child.  Every one of these choices is valid and completely at the discretion of the woman making the decision.  I have never been raped so I cannot begin to understand the feelings or thoughts that a woman would have in this situation but from what I have read so far, it is traumatizing, can cause severe depression, anxiety and emotional distress...add to that an unwanted pregnancy...









Jamie Leigh HOW DARE YOU .






 






Your post actually makes my blood boil like i could just throw up , i lost my first child 15 weeks gestation Jackson will always be my son and i will always be his mother , i held his tiny little body and buried him like the human he was so dont ever assume you know how we feel about our children because you obviously know nothing !





*edited


Loureen, my comment was not meant to be insensitive of the fact that some women experience the overwhelming emotion of loss when they miscarry, abort or adopt out a child.  I was responding to the idea that a woman is a mother the moment she conceives because it is not true in all cases.  I reread my post and realized that I generalized it to mean that a woman is never a mother at conception...but it's not what I meant.  When I said that people that have had abortions, miscarriages or given their child up for adoption are not mothers, I should have included the word 'all'...they are not all mothers...and I say this because not every woman will identify as a mother in these cases, but I certainly didn't mean that it applies to every woman in the world.  I also wasn't assuming how anyone felt about their child.  I hope I have explained myself a bit better so that you understand I am not trying to offend anyone with my comments.



 



Pertaining to the original post...I can't relate to rape but I can relate to my son not having a father.  I am still not sure what to tell him when he is older and asks about him. 

Cassie - posted on 12/10/2009

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But what happens when that child reaches the age of 20 and somehow finds out that he is a product of rape. How damaging would the realization be that he had been lied to his entire life about something so significant?

Anna - posted on 12/10/2009

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First of all, if you want to start the whole grandfather, mother, father, uncle cousins thing.. I can do that too. My great grandfather, both grandfathers, uncle, both mother AND father, cousins, my husband, my husband's father, etc.. WERE ALL in the military.. Don't pull that card on me b/c it doesn't work. If you approach the situation in the right way and explain to your child when they are old enough to understand, then it won't be damaging. Lying to them and then them finding out the truth can be MORE damaging than being honest with them from the get-go. 






And yes, telling the child that their father died in the war IS honoring the father (who was a rapist!!!!) b/c dying for your country takes courage, bravery and a heart. Clearly rapists don't have either one of those or else they wouldn't rape anyone! How can someone sit there and tell their child a huge lie like that?!? Especially when the father (rapist) does NOT deserve that respect and honor!!!! 

And, excuse me.. Did you say that had you been raped you would tell your child that the father WAS and HONORABLE man??? What in the world?!?!?!? Being a rapist is NOT honorable, whether you tell your child he was a rapist or not, and does NOT deserve to be put on a pedestal for something so horrific!!! You CAN honor your CHILD W/O HONORING THE FATHER!!!! BY KEEPING the child, you have honored them.

Here's a thought.. If you did tell your child that their father was an honorable man even though you were raped, and they found out the truth.. Think about how they would react. They would most likely resent you for telling them that he was such a great man instead of telling them the truth!





I Certainly don't mean that I would actually think the rapist was an actually honorable man! SHEESH! I would lie! I thought I made it perfectly clear that it is horribly damaging to a child to know they are a product of rape, rather than believing they are the child of an honorable man who died. That is just comman sense! And why would they ever have to know the truth? Children are not little adults, they are fragile and precious and need to be protected. I would offer the lie to PROTECT them. As I said before, my mother told me she ws raped to coceive ME and it hurt like nothing before and nothing since. It has damaged my self esteem and has caused chronic depression for two decades. I will say it again to the original poster and to anyone- If you choose to let your baby live, and to raise it your self after being raped to conceive, LIE through your teeth, your child be better off. And if you have a need to tell them, I believe you are being selfish.



 

Tracey - posted on 12/10/2009

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well this certainly got off topic right quick didn't it? Sheryl, I am sorry you were abused as you were. If you know who he is then perhaps you should prosecute so he can't do this to anyone else but, like everything to do with the situation, this is a choice only you can make. You can choose to get on with your life with your child or without or you can choose to be a victim and spend your life in fear and anger and grief. If you have friends who do not understand your choice then lose them. They are not friends. The same applies to family. I was abused by a family member from the time I was 6 to age 8. Thankfully I couldn't become pregnant at that time but I probably would have been blamed if I could have. I chose to leave it in the past, where it belongs and get on with my life. I have 4 children, one only 15 months and one in University. What you chose to do will affect your life forever, for good or bad. If you chose to keep or have already kept your child, don't blame him or her for what happened. If you can't do that then give them up. One thing I do agree with some of the posters is the child doesn't deserve to wear what the father did. EVER. I hope that you can find someone to talk to that will listen and not try to tell you what to do. I am sure there are many other women out there who have had this happen with many different experiences for each of them. Listen to their stories and take what feels right to you from them. I wish you all the best in your future. Make of it what you will.

Amanda - posted on 12/10/2009

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Sheryl,
I'm so terribly sorry for what you've been through. That man should be punished for what he's done to you, and should never be allowed to be around your child for any reason. He doesn't deserve to see the child. I hope you are able to find some sort of support group in your area, and that you and your child are able to live a happy, peaceful life together. My prayers are with you as you forge your way ahead.

Amanda - posted on 12/10/2009

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Re: Loureen's post

First, Loureen, I'm so sorry for your loss. Second, I completely agree with you. Jamie's post was completely insensitive, and she obviously has never been through the trauma of a lost pregnancy. I have lost 2 pregnancies. I was 20 weeks along with my daughter Baileigh when I lost her. She is my daughter and I am her mother and no one can take that away ever. It doesn't matter that she never had a chance to live, that doesn't mean she doesn't have a mother or that she didn't exist. She had a name, she has 2 parents who loved and still love her. We had plans for her, she would be 7 if she'd lived. I think about her every day. My second loss was only about 7 weeks but I'm still that baby's mother too. I don't know if that baby was a boy or a girl but I still mourn the loss. Thankfully I've been able to have a child since, and he will be 5 very soon. I thank God every day for him, yet I'd still give anything to have my other 2 children with me too.

Holly - posted on 12/10/2009

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every woman has the right to do what they feel best for there bodies. No one should feel bad for having options. I have a two and three year old and go to uni it hard. But i wouldn't change a thing. If i was raped it would change every thing.

~Jennifer - posted on 12/10/2009

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Alright Ladies, this thread is going completely off topic.

If you wish to discuss abortion - Start a thread.

If you wish to discuss conception - start a thread.

If you wish to discuss when a woman is assumed to be a 'mother' - start a thread.

Get this back on topic or it goes on lockdown.

As always, please remain civil and respectful.

Any more off topic comments will result in this thread being locked permanently.

Thank you.

~Jenn~
CoM Moderator

Cassie - posted on 12/10/2009

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Agreed!! That baby is a baby and the mother is a mother at conception. I have never had to suffer the loss of a miscarriage but if I did, I would consider that lost child my child as I would consider myself the baby's mother. It is incredibly rude and heartless to tell a woman who has lost a child to miscarriage or given her child up for adoption so that the child can have a better life that she is not a mother.

C. - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Loureen:



Quoting Jaime-Leigh:




Quoting Tammy:





Quoting Kate:






Quoting Christina:







I know it is an option to SOME people, but it shouldn't even be suggested, especially on a forum for MOTHERS. 














Personally, I think that every woman that keeps a baby, whether planned or unplanned, conceived by rape or consensual sex, is a better woman than ANY of us. It takes love and it takes courage and I know that can be hard if you ended up pregnant from a rape. But it can be done and THAT should be encouraged, not abortion. I think, and many other mothers do as well, that abortion is a selfish option b/c, as someone said earlier, "Adoption would be much harder ". It may be hard, but at least the baby has a chance. When you're pregnant, it shouldn't be about YOU it should be about the BABY when it comes to options.. What's best for the baby?


















It's not up to you what a woman's options are. If a woman decided she does not want to carry and birth a child it is her right by the United States constitution to look into abortion as an option. You can yell and scream how it's a sin and it's horrible and it's a choice no woman should ever be allowed to make. But, there are women out there (like me) who will yell right back that a woman has a choice with whom she sleeps with and whether or not she is a mother. So, while abortion may not be an option FOR YOU, it may be for another woman. If a woman on this forum decides to point out that abortion is an option and I delete it then I should also delete all the posts that say adoption is an option. Don't want to offend anyone, right?












When you create your own community you can censor your members all you want. Also, your post is a direct attack on women who have had an abortion in the past. That is against the guidelines of this forum and should be removed. I am going to hand this issue over to another moderator so it can be dealt with fairly and appropriately.















When a woman concieves,she becomes a mother;no matter how the conception occured,or how long that child lives. You will always be that childs mother.  What else would she be, by making decisions about carrying and birthing a child. That would be a mother. So yes,abortion is a choice some women make; as a mother. I felt this was a very necessary thing to say for all women,in compassion for children lost,or taken at any stage of life.













A woman doesn't become a mother the moment she conceives...people that have had miscarriages, abortions or given their child up for adoption are not mothers.  I think the entire point of these comments is to offer support and also discuss the reality of an unwanted pregnancy.  Some women choose to carry on and be a mother to the child, some women choose to give the child up for adoption and some women choose to abort the child.  Every one of these choices is valid and completely at the discretion of the woman making the decision.  I have never been raped so I cannot begin to understand the feelings or thoughts that a woman would have in this situation but from what I have read so far, it is traumatizing, can cause severe depression, anxiety and emotional distress...add to that an unwanted pregnancy...









Jamie Leigh HOW DARE YOU .






 






Your post actually makes my blood boil like i could just throw up , i lost my first child 15 weeks gestation he will alway be my son and i will always be his mother , i held his tiny little body and buried lhim ike the human he was so dont ever assume you know how we feel about our children because you obviously know nothing !





I have to agree with Loureen (by the way, I am very sorry to hear about your baby boy). WHEN A WOMAN BECOMES PREGNANT, SHE IS THEN A MOTHER, WHETHER SHE HAS DELIVERED THE BABY OR IT'S STILL IN THE WOMB!!!!!! 

Charlie - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Jaime-Leigh:



Quoting Tammy:




Quoting Kate:





Quoting Christina:






I know it is an option to SOME people, but it shouldn't even be suggested, especially on a forum for MOTHERS. 












Personally, I think that every woman that keeps a baby, whether planned or unplanned, conceived by rape or consensual sex, is a better woman than ANY of us. It takes love and it takes courage and I know that can be hard if you ended up pregnant from a rape. But it can be done and THAT should be encouraged, not abortion. I think, and many other mothers do as well, that abortion is a selfish option b/c, as someone said earlier, "Adoption would be much harder ". It may be hard, but at least the baby has a chance. When you're pregnant, it shouldn't be about YOU it should be about the BABY when it comes to options.. What's best for the baby?















It's not up to you what a woman's options are. If a woman decided she does not want to carry and birth a child it is her right by the United States constitution to look into abortion as an option. You can yell and scream how it's a sin and it's horrible and it's a choice no woman should ever be allowed to make. But, there are women out there (like me) who will yell right back that a woman has a choice with whom she sleeps with and whether or not she is a mother. So, while abortion may not be an option FOR YOU, it may be for another woman. If a woman on this forum decides to point out that abortion is an option and I delete it then I should also delete all the posts that say adoption is an option. Don't want to offend anyone, right?










When you create your own community you can censor your members all you want. Also, your post is a direct attack on women who have had an abortion in the past. That is against the guidelines of this forum and should be removed. I am going to hand this issue over to another moderator so it can be dealt with fairly and appropriately.












When a woman concieves,she becomes a mother;no matter how the conception occured,or how long that child lives. You will always be that childs mother.  What else would she be, by making decisions about carrying and birthing a child. That would be a mother. So yes,abortion is a choice some women make; as a mother. I felt this was a very necessary thing to say for all women,in compassion for children lost,or taken at any stage of life.










A woman doesn't become a mother the moment she conceives...people that have had miscarriages, abortions or given their child up for adoption are not mothers.  I think the entire point of these comments is to offer support and also discuss the reality of an unwanted pregnancy.  Some women choose to carry on and be a mother to the child, some women choose to give the child up for adoption and some women choose to abort the child.  Every one of these choices is valid and completely at the discretion of the woman making the decision.  I have never been raped so I cannot begin to understand the feelings or thoughts that a woman would have in this situation but from what I have read so far, it is traumatizing, can cause severe depression, anxiety and emotional distress...add to that an unwanted pregnancy...





Jamie Leigh HOW DARE YOU .



 



Your post actually makes my blood boil like i could just throw up , i lost my first child 15 weeks gestation Jackson will always be my son and i will always be his mother , i held his tiny little body and buried him like the human he was so dont ever assume you know how we feel about our children because you obviously know nothing !





*edited

C. - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Anna:



Quoting Christina:




Quoting Anna:





Quoting Skye:

I have a three year old, who was conceived during a rape. i love him with everything, no matter what, hes mine..my question is what to tell my son when he asks about his biological father ( i have been with my fiancee since my son was 7 mos old, and we have another son together) I cant imagine him knowing what really happened..buti dont want to lie to him either.









OMG!!! DO NOT TELL HIM!!! I never knew my father  and when I was 11 I asked my mother who he was and she toldd me she was raped to conceive me. I was diagnosed with severe depression 6 weeks later and was in and out of mental hospitals (3 hospitals, 1=twice, 1=3 times) until I was 15, when I entered a children's home. Come to find out, when I was 16, that she lied!!! She was shacked up with him for two weeks, he was a carny! LOL! I I still suffer from depression, and it has been 19 years. I would much rather have been told the truth, or some other lie. The raped for conception thing is a horrible burden to bear. Tell your child daddy died in the war, or ANYTHING! Just not the truth!!












As a military wife whose husband is currently deployed, I cannot believe you told someone to tell her child that their father died in the war!!!! Dying at WAR is a respectable way to die, as you are dying for your country. I do not believe she should tell her son that his father died in war.. The rapist doesn't deserve that much respect in a lie! 









I am not a military wife, but I am a daughter (my step -father who adopted me) and a sister and a grand-daughter, neice and cousin to military personnel. I really admire and respect those who serve in our military. I enlisted myself when I was 20 and was medically discharged for my ongoing battle with depression. That being said, it doesn't honor the rapist, it honors the CHILD! As a person who was told that she was a product of rape, I can tell you it is very damaging. I would have much rather heard that my father died in a war, but there was no war then. The rapist has very little to do with the child except for the conception, and the child will have a burden to bear their entire life.  Why intentionally damage your child to somehow keep from honoring the rapist? I can tell you beyond the shodow of a doubt, that had I been brutally raped by 12 men and conceived, I would tell my child that their daddy was an honorable man, a shining beacon in this dark world, and the love of my life and was just too good for this world. I would paint such a picture, I would believe it myself. It is not about your honor, or the honor of the rapist, it is about honoring your child.





First of all, if you want to start the whole grandfather, mother, father, uncle cousins thing.. I can do that too. My great grandfather, both grandfathers, uncle, both mother AND father, cousins, my husband, my husband's father, etc.. WERE ALL in the military.. Don't pull that card on me b/c it doesn't work. If you approach the situation in the right way and explain to your child when they are old enough to understand, then it won't be damaging. Lying to them and then them finding out the truth can be MORE damaging than being honest with them from the get-go. 



And yes, telling the child that their father died in the war IS honoring the father (who was a rapist!!!!) b/c dying for your country takes courage, bravery and a heart. Clearly rapists don't have either one of those or else they wouldn't rape anyone! How can someone sit there and tell their child a huge lie like that?!? Especially when the father (rapist) does NOT deserve that respect and honor!!!! 



And, excuse me.. Did you say that had you been raped you would tell your child that the father WAS and HONORABLE man??? What in the world?!?!?!? Being a rapist is NOT honorable, whether you tell your child he was a rapist or not, and does NOT deserve to be put on a pedestal for something so horrific!!! You CAN honor your CHILD W/O HONORING THE FATHER!!!! BY KEEPING the child, you have honored them.



Here's a thought.. If you did tell your child that their father was an honorable man even though you were raped, and they found out the truth.. Think about how they would react. They would most likely resent you for telling them that he was such a great man instead of telling them the truth!

Candy - posted on 12/10/2009

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I can relate to this situation because I was raped when I was 18 and thought I was pregnant. There was no question for me as to what I would have done if I had turned out to be pregnant, it is not the child's fault how they were conceived but you need to remember that you will have to live with whatever you decide to do about it.

Anna - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Tammy:

to Anna. This group is called circle of MOMS. I cannot relate to being raped. I have however suffered 2 miscarriages out of my 6 pregnancies and once when i called the office after my second miscarriage,a nurse told me that i was never pregnant because the baby did not grow properly due to a severe birth defect. i can assure you this was very offensive as i considered myself to be the mother of this baby girl. i certainly could'nt miscarry if i wasnt pregnant! anyways, the point is...i know mothers who have lost their children before, or at birth,and the thing they want most(besides their baby!!!) is to be known as their mother. they want that validated. i could go on...having a baby in your womb makes you a mother. you may not get to care for that child...they may be cared for by another...or lost through death but you have a part in giving them life or death...if not a mother,then what? an incubator? to Sheryl, i think it isnt real clear what you need exact support for. are you now pregnant and dont know what to do? or did you keep the baby and need support from other mothers caring fot their babies of rape?particularly mothers raped and raising a mixed race child? i sure hope you find the love and support you need.


I think you meant Jaimie Leigh Burns, not me. I never said that a pregnant woman was not a mother, that was her. I believe that having a baby in your womb certainly makes you a mother. I lost a set of twins 3 years ago at 13 weeks. They had been dead for a few weeks apparently, and were the size of 8 week fetuses. I am their mother, and I mourn them.



 

Amber - posted on 12/10/2009

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I am sorry what you have been through. It reminds me of a friend I have.He is Native American/Russian and is a product of rape. He is a wonderful beautiful man now, but has issues with his mother not accepting him because he looks like the man that raped her. Even when he was a young child, she started to have nothing to do with him,so he had to grow up living from home to home with no real family. He is about 40 now and has started going to church and discovering the Lord. He has learned that he is a creation of the Lord and has come to terms with his life hear on Earth knowing he is here for a much bigger plan.

On the abortion issue, I had two abortions as a teen because of careless birth controll. I regret it constantly now when I look at my children that I had later in life. They truly are gifts from God. I wish that I would have talked to someone before making such a big decision.

Recently I started donating to a group in a town near me that is called Zoe Pragnacy Center. They talk to women that are pregnant and haven't decided what kind of decisions to make, and help them aquire baby supplies if they choose to keep the baby. And they help these women get a fresh new start in life. If you could find a place like this near you, I highly recomend going!!!! Good luck to you girl and God bless you and your baby! If you would like me to send you the number of Zoe, they could get you in touch with the right people...:)

Julia - posted on 12/10/2009

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I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. When I was 17 I lost my virginity as a result of a date rape (I'm hispanic and he was white). I became pregnant because of this, I decided to have an abortion. I went to the clinic to actually have the abortion but found out that I was 3 days too late they would not preform one on me. At that moment I decided that I would give the baby to my older sister (she was 29, married and could not have children of her own). I have NEVER been a mother to this child, only an aunt. I still to this day wonder if I made the right decision on whether or not to give him to my sister (whole different subject) but have never wondered if I should take him back from her. My sister has not told him to this day (he is 11 now) that he is even adopted. I fear for when he finds out that his mother is really biologically his aunt and his aunt gave birth to him. I do love him and wish him only the best in his life but I would never would have been able to raise him as my own. I still look at him to this day and see the sperm donor in him and don't know if I ever would have been able to see past that.

Kate CP - posted on 12/10/2009

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Okay ladies, I want to thank you all for your thoughts on the subject of abortion. If we wish to discuss this subject further a new thread should be started.

Tammy - posted on 12/10/2009

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to Anna. This group is called circle of MOMS. I cannot relate to being raped. I have however suffered 2 miscarriages out of my 6 pregnancies and once when i called the office after my second miscarriage,a nurse told me that i was never pregnant because the baby did not grow properly due to a severe birth defect. i can assure you this was very offensive as i considered myself to be the mother of this baby girl. i certainly could'nt miscarry if i wasnt pregnant! anyways, the point is...i know mothers who have lost their children before, or at birth,and the thing they want most(besides their baby!!!) is to be known as their mother. they want that validated. i could go on...having a baby in your womb makes you a mother. you may not get to care for that child...they may be cared for by another...or lost through death but you have a part in giving them life or death...if not a mother,then what? an incubator? to Sheryl, i think it isnt real clear what you need exact support for. are you now pregnant and dont know what to do? or did you keep the baby and need support from other mothers caring fot their babies of rape?particularly mothers raped and raising a mixed race child? i sure hope you find the love and support you need.

Tammy - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Jaime-Leigh:



Quoting Tammy:




Quoting Kate:





Quoting Christina:






I know it is an option to SOME people, but it shouldn't even be suggested, especially on a forum for MOTHERS. 












Personally, I think that every woman that keeps a baby, whether planned or unplanned, conceived by rape or consensual sex, is a better woman than ANY of us. It takes love and it takes courage and I know that can be hard if you ended up pregnant from a rape. But it can be done and THAT should be encouraged, not abortion. I think, and many other mothers do as well, that abortion is a selfish option b/c, as someone said earlier, "Adoption would be much harder ". It may be hard, but at least the baby has a chance. When you're pregnant, it shouldn't be about YOU it should be about the BABY when it comes to options.. What's best for the baby?















It's not up to you what a woman's options are. If a woman decided she does not want to carry and birth a child it is her right by the United States constitution to look into abortion as an option. You can yell and scream how it's a sin and it's horrible and it's a choice no woman should ever be allowed to make. But, there are women out there (like me) who will yell right back that a woman has a choice with whom she sleeps with and whether or not she is a mother. So, while abortion may not be an option FOR YOU, it may be for another woman. If a woman on this forum decides to point out that abortion is an option and I delete it then I should also delete all the posts that say adoption is an option. Don't want to offend anyone, right?










When you create your own community you can censor your members all you want. Also, your post is a direct attack on women who have had an abortion in the past. That is against the guidelines of this forum and should be removed. I am going to hand this issue over to another moderator so it can be dealt with fairly and appropriately.












When a woman concieves,she becomes a mother;no matter how the conception occured,or how long that child lives. You will always be that childs mother.  What else would she be, by making decisions about carrying and birthing a child. That would be a mother. So yes,abortion is a choice some women make; as a mother. I felt this was a very necessary thing to say for all women,in compassion for children lost,or taken at any stage of life.










A woman doesn't become a mother the moment she conceives...people that have had miscarriages, abortions or given their child up for adoption are not mothers.  I think the entire point of these comments is to offer support and also discuss the reality of an unwanted pregnancy.  Some women choose to carry on and be a mother to the child, some women choose to give the child up for adoption and some women choose to abort the child.  Every one of these choices is valid and completely at the discretion of the woman making the decision.  I have never been raped so I cannot begin to understand the feelings or thoughts that a woman would have in this situation but from what I have read so far, it is traumatizing, can cause severe depression, anxiety and emotional distress...add to that an unwanted pregnancy...





 

Anna - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Christina:



Quoting Anna:




Quoting Skye:

I have a three year old, who was conceived during a rape. i love him with everything, no matter what, hes mine..my question is what to tell my son when he asks about his biological father ( i have been with my fiancee since my son was 7 mos old, and we have another son together) I cant imagine him knowing what really happened..buti dont want to lie to him either.







OMG!!! DO NOT TELL HIM!!! I never knew my father  and when I was 11 I asked my mother who he was and she toldd me she was raped to conceive me. I was diagnosed with severe depression 6 weeks later and was in and out of mental hospitals (3 hospitals, 1=twice, 1=3 times) until I was 15, when I entered a children's home. Come to find out, when I was 16, that she lied!!! She was shacked up with him for two weeks, he was a carny! LOL! I I still suffer from depression, and it has been 19 years. I would much rather have been told the truth, or some other lie. The raped for conception thing is a horrible burden to bear. Tell your child daddy died in the war, or ANYTHING! Just not the truth!!









As a military wife whose husband is currently deployed, I cannot believe you told someone to tell her child that their father died in the war!!!! Dying at WAR is a respectable way to die, as you are dying for your country. I do not believe she should tell her son that his father died in war.. The rapist doesn't deserve that much respect in a lie! 





I am not a military wife, but I am a daughter (my step -father who adopted me) and a sister and a grand-daughter, neice and cousin to military personnel. I really admire and respect those who serve in our military. I enlisted myself when I was 20 and was medically discharged for my ongoing battle with depression. That being said, it doesn't honor the rapist, it honors the CHILD! As a person who was told that she was a product of rape, I can tell you it is very damaging. I would have much rather heard that my father died in a war, but there was no war then. The rapist has very little to do with the child except for the conception, and the child will have a burden to bear their entire life.  Why intentionally damage your child to somehow keep from honoring the rapist? I can tell you beyond the shodow of a doubt, that had I been brutally raped by 12 men and conceived, I would tell my child that their daddy was an honorable man, a shining beacon in this dark world, and the love of my life and was just too good for this world. I would paint such a picture, I would believe it myself. It is not about your honor, or the honor of the rapist, it is about honoring your child.

Jaime - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Tammy:



Quoting Kate:




Quoting Christina:





I know it is an option to SOME people, but it shouldn't even be suggested, especially on a forum for MOTHERS. 










Personally, I think that every woman that keeps a baby, whether planned or unplanned, conceived by rape or consensual sex, is a better woman than ANY of us. It takes love and it takes courage and I know that can be hard if you ended up pregnant from a rape. But it can be done and THAT should be encouraged, not abortion. I think, and many other mothers do as well, that abortion is a selfish option b/c, as someone said earlier, "Adoption would be much harder ". It may be hard, but at least the baby has a chance. When you're pregnant, it shouldn't be about YOU it should be about the BABY when it comes to options.. What's best for the baby?












It's not up to you what a woman's options are. If a woman decided she does not want to carry and birth a child it is her right by the United States constitution to look into abortion as an option. You can yell and scream how it's a sin and it's horrible and it's a choice no woman should ever be allowed to make. But, there are women out there (like me) who will yell right back that a woman has a choice with whom she sleeps with and whether or not she is a mother. So, while abortion may not be an option FOR YOU, it may be for another woman. If a woman on this forum decides to point out that abortion is an option and I delete it then I should also delete all the posts that say adoption is an option. Don't want to offend anyone, right?








When you create your own community you can censor your members all you want. Also, your post is a direct attack on women who have had an abortion in the past. That is against the guidelines of this forum and should be removed. I am going to hand this issue over to another moderator so it can be dealt with fairly and appropriately.









When a woman concieves,she becomes a mother;no matter how the conception occured,or how long that child lives. You will always be that childs mother.  What else would she be, by making decisions about carrying and birthing a child. That would be a mother. So yes,abortion is a choice some women make; as a mother. I felt this was a very necessary thing to say for all women,in compassion for children lost,or taken at any stage of life.






A woman doesn't become a mother the moment she conceives...people that have had miscarriages, abortions or given their child up for adoption are not mothers.  I think the entire point of these comments is to offer support and also discuss the reality of an unwanted pregnancy.  Some women choose to carry on and be a mother to the child, some women choose to give the child up for adoption and some women choose to abort the child.  Every one of these choices is valid and completely at the discretion of the woman making the decision.  I have never been raped so I cannot begin to understand the feelings or thoughts that a woman would have in this situation but from what I have read so far, it is traumatizing, can cause severe depression, anxiety and emotional distress...add to that an unwanted pregnancy...

[deleted account]

In addition to my previous post, I'd like to add:

There are most likely groups in your area that can help you connect with other women who have endured, survived and overcome the same experience you did. If you connect a program such as "Women in Crisis" or another organization, they are connected with affiliated groups that might benefit you.

As a person, you have the strength of something beyond me. You're a source of inspiration for so many women. I can understand never telling your child of the nature before his birth, but I'd like you to know that opening up to other women might save someone's life (and by this I don't mean a fetus-don't even start). I mean, that so many women live through sexual assault and never recover! Not only have you done so, but allowing yourself to become vulnerable and reach out might give the strength to another woman to look inside herself and find worth or drive again.

I hope that you realize what an amazing woman you are. Your strength is something that one day I hope to see in me. I commend you.

[deleted account]

it doesnt matter the race of the rappist nor yours. i too was rapped and became pregnant and decided that abortion was not the best decision for me. with a lot of support i decided to place my birth daughter for adoption. i was afraid that i would have anger towards her due to the situation. i love my birth daughter and feel that i made the best decision for her and for myself. people tend to think that abortion is the only solution to an unwanted pregnancy, look into adoption and or open adoption

Kori - posted on 12/10/2009

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Those who believe abortion is murder have an obligation to say something. I personally am not condemning you..but if you thought someone was commiting murder wouldnt you stand up and say something or try to prevent it? Someone has to be the voice for this baby and all the others. Why is it that women get a choice to murder. If you've ever watched a ultrasound of a infant in the womb you will know that it is a living thing. If you've ever watched footage of an abortion being done to this infant you can see the pain they feel. I encourage you to look closely at what we are allowing in this country for the sake of woman's rights. Has anyone thought that maybe God has giving us a gift. It will not take away the sin of what that person has done to you but maybe this new life can help you start a new one. I pray that God will give this girl strength. I hope she knows that she is loved. God has given us free will and sometimes people chose not to do good with it. Lets encourage our fellow women to make a better choice than that man did and except this gift of life- not destroy it. God bless.

Tammy - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Kate:



Quoting Christina:




I know it is an option to SOME people, but it shouldn't even be suggested, especially on a forum for MOTHERS. 








Personally, I think that every woman that keeps a baby, whether planned or unplanned, conceived by rape or consensual sex, is a better woman than ANY of us. It takes love and it takes courage and I know that can be hard if you ended up pregnant from a rape. But it can be done and THAT should be encouraged, not abortion. I think, and many other mothers do as well, that abortion is a selfish option b/c, as someone said earlier, "Adoption would be much harder ". It may be hard, but at least the baby has a chance. When you're pregnant, it shouldn't be about YOU it should be about the BABY when it comes to options.. What's best for the baby?









It's not up to you what a woman's options are. If a woman decided she does not want to carry and birth a child it is her right by the United States constitution to look into abortion as an option. You can yell and scream how it's a sin and it's horrible and it's a choice no woman should ever be allowed to make. But, there are women out there (like me) who will yell right back that a woman has a choice with whom she sleeps with and whether or not she is a mother. So, while abortion may not be an option FOR YOU, it may be for another woman. If a woman on this forum decides to point out that abortion is an option and I delete it then I should also delete all the posts that say adoption is an option. Don't want to offend anyone, right?






When you create your own community you can censor your members all you want. Also, your post is a direct attack on women who have had an abortion in the past. That is against the guidelines of this forum and should be removed. I am going to hand this issue over to another moderator so it can be dealt with fairly and appropriately.





When a woman concieves,she becomes a mother;no matter how the conception occured,or how long that child lives. You will always be that childs mother.  What else would she be, by making decisions about carrying and birthing a child. That would be a mother. So yes,abortion is a choice some women make; as a mother. I felt this was a very necessary thing to say for all women,in compassion for children lost,or taken at any stage of life.

Erin - posted on 12/10/2009

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No but that child has a right to live to matter how it was conceived. I know it is cruel to say that and i believe it is a woman's choice and decision but the child didnt ask to be conceived this way. What if you do abort the pregnancy, you are also taking a chance of not being able to conceived in the future. No matter the race it is still a living being.

Jaime - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Christina:



Quoting Anna:




Quoting Skye:

I have a three year old, who was conceived during a rape. i love him with everything, no matter what, hes mine..my question is what to tell my son when he asks about his biological father ( i have been with my fiancee since my son was 7 mos old, and we have another son together) I cant imagine him knowing what really happened..buti dont want to lie to him either.







OMG!!! DO NOT TELL HIM!!! I never knew my father  and when I was 11 I asked my mother who he was and she toldd me she was raped to conceive me. I was diagnosed with severe depression 6 weeks later and was in and out of mental hospitals (3 hospitals, 1=twice, 1=3 times) until I was 15, when I entered a children's home. Come to find out, when I was 16, that she lied!!! She was shacked up with him for two weeks, he was a carny! LOL! I I still suffer from depression, and it has been 19 years. I would much rather have been told the truth, or some other lie. The raped for conception thing is a horrible burden to bear. Tell your child daddy died in the war, or ANYTHING! Just not the truth!!









As a military wife whose husband is currently deployed, I cannot believe you told someone to tell her child that their father died in the war!!!! Dying at WAR is a respectable way to die, as you are dying for your country. I do not believe she should tell her son that his father died in war.. The rapist doesn't deserve that much respect in a lie! 






I don't think replacing one lie with another is any better in this case.  There is no need to divulge details to a child about the circumstances of their conception...it is perfectly acceptable for them to learn that they do not have a father...in this day and age it is perhaps even more common that many kids will share this similar situation (not having a father).  There are women that use artificial insemination and essentially have a 'sperm donor'.  I very much doubt that a lesbian couple would have issues with explaining to their child that they do not have a father, so in the instance of rape, telling a child that they do not have a father is probably the best course of action. 

Monica - posted on 12/10/2009

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I decided to have the child conceived in a date rape. I will never tell him-it isn't relivant to him and would damage him for no reason! All that matters was I love him and don't ever regret having him no matter the consequences.

Theresa - posted on 12/10/2009

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While I was not raped, I do have a 15 year old bi-racial son from a previous short-term, very abusive marriage. As in your case, he has never been a father, only a "breeder." (I was his second wife and he has gone on to have at least 2 others,that I know of, and who knows how many more kids.) We divorced when my son was less than 1 year old and I have been remarried for 13 years. My husband has since adopted my son and I have another son with him. We are a normal happy family with well adjusted children. My 15 year old son fits in perfectly and even though he looks a lot like the "breeder" I love him with all of my heart! He is a sweet, bright, handsome, wonderful young man with a very promising future. Don't dwell too much on the way your child was conceived or who the biological father is. Just love him/her for the miracle that he/she is and be the parent that he/she deserves.

C. - posted on 12/10/2009

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JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU ALL THAT KEEP MENTIONING THE ABORTION ISSUE.. I WAS TRYING TO STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS WHY I SAID "That is all I'm saying about that b/c we are getting way off topic." IN MY LAST POST ABOUT IT...

WE ARE GETTING WAY OFF TOPIC SO PLEASE DO NOT MENTION IT WHETHER YOU AGREE WITH ME OR DISAGREE WITH ME.

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