Anyone With A D*ck Can Make Baby But It Takes A Real Man To Raise One

Tom - posted on 02/27/2016 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Not sure if i'm aloud to re-post a link from a old chat on here but its really frustrated me reading some off the rude irresponsible comments on there. So here it is.
http://www.circleofmoms.com/welcome-circ...

Now i'm a father of two. I have two boys. Its my youngest boys first birthday today and my oldest is three in June.
Now i'm going to start this conversation of with telling you all my oldest child is not biologically mine. BUT I DO NOT CARE. He is still my child. I am still with the same girl, and i love her and both of my children lots. We was seeing eachother at a young age and things didnt work out well so we broke up. she got with another boy and fell pregnant.
The father to my oldest child is an waste of space low life C**T (sorry admin for useing that language i did star it but when you read on you will understand the reason for my bad language about this BOY)
When my girlfriend was with this boy he cheated on her multiple times but the one time which hurt her the most was a couple of days after she found out she was pregnant he cheated on her with her best friend... She stayed with him with major trust issues for the babys sake not her own and he cheated again. (The one thing this boy will regret for the rest of hes life) This was it she put her self first and left him but still told him he could see hes son, despite everything he done.
now the baby was born she got put into a mother and baby unit as she was only 17. The boy was irregularly turning up to a children centre to see hes son for the 1st six months of hes life, thats when i come along.
December 12th i was at my local town and the 'DAD' started on my friend as i walked into a shop. I turnt round and saw the 'DA'D' grabbing my friend. No i cant have that can i my friend is a woos in the most nicest way possible where as me i am not. I am one of them types that will fight anyone that intimidates a weaker person and specially someone who is trying to intimidate MY friend, no thats not going down so i approached him and he got a bit 'brave' should i say so i threw a couple of punches to hes ribs.
No violence is not the answer i can see that now but back then i had nothing to loose i was immature but still to this day i would never let someone intimate my friend or family no way, i would die for my close friends and family. END OFF!
anyway i got arrested for this and at a later date got charged for ABH which because i was over 18 it has now gone onto my record for how ever long.
December 13th was the 1st day i met my non biological son and my loving partner.
From december 13th. Now the babys FIRST CHRISTMAS im expecting the father to be spoiling him as there is now a new man in the house looking after hes ex partner and hes son.. Guess what... not even a wish him a merry Christmas no card and no toys not one thing from the babys fathers side of the family... Even my mother bought him something and at this point she hadnt even met him. How can he do this to hes first born child? The boy did not see hes son for 3 months (only because of a catch up thing through social services) and that was it. Despite being told this would be hes last chance of seeing hes son without a valid reason.
The next time he see him was around a week before hes 1st birthday... AGAIN at a social service catch up meeting and was told this will actually be hes last chance as its not fair on me my partner or my child.
The babys first birthday come and he didnt even try to contact my partner to wish him a happy birthday or anything no card no presents nothing and what makes it worse none of hes family did not even hes mother.. Thats her first grandson how?!?! why?!?!
Now me and my partner are fuming. She told him how he is never seeing hes son again. And who can blame her come on now, How can this boy have such a lovely beautiful little boy and not bother trying to see him and making an effort to be part of hes sons life?
Around one week later we had some great news...
SHES PREGNANT..
We took a cheap pregnancy test because my partner had thoughts she may be pregnant and it had a faint line. we wasn't sure if she was pregnant so we walked to our friends and on the way payed i think £15 for a clear blue week pregnancy test and guess what.. it confirmed she was 1-2 weeks pregnant :D. I was so happy that the child i call son is now going to have a little brother. We rang the hospital to get a scan done to just confirm cos with her first child she went to hospital and they said she wasn't pregnant till around 2 months being pregnant and didnt show up on pregnancy tests so we thought she may of been more than that. we went there and they confirmed she is pregnant and our baby will be due 2ND March 2015 I couldnt wait... My first biological child. My friends was so happy my family was so happy her family was so happy despite only being together 6 months i proved myself a father to her parents.
The weeks went by still no word from him and as times gone past hes now calling me dad and our bond is getting stronger and stronger. The most memorable day i think i had with my son was introducing him to my Nan. She only met him once when i was at the local town. She was suffering from cancer all over the hardest news ive ever had to deal with.
Her health was deteriorating very quickly and because of this i couldn't even tell her that my partner was pregnant, my Nan was suffering and she loved kids she had already had a bond my son from only meeting him that once. If she had known this she would of held on to meet him despite all the pain she was going through. she needed to rest now shes done enough for us all she was honestly the best nan ever even when i was a very naughty teenager and getting arrested she would allways take me in even after being kicked out of my parents house for the house being searched, doing drugs and even as sever as hitting my dad (her only son) she still took in. she loved us all and now was her time to go. The hardest day of my life i was at work and my mum gave me the option to go to the hospice she was staying at or not, the reason she said this was my nan had a seizure and never recovered back to normal so she didnt want this to be the last thing i remember of her. But she told me she thinks this is going to be the last day i can see her alive. My mum said she couldnt go she felt ill and she felt so bad i said mum do what you think is best if your not well you cant go she will understand but I said i am going. My mum cried down the phone i had to walk away from my boss i felt embarrassed to cry in front of him but i thought about it, why should i. shes the only person through everything has took me in and loved me. The day at work took longer than planned i thought i wasnt going to say goodbye. i got there just in time i was there for around 20-30 minutes then she passed. September 14th 2014 the day the strongest most loving women in my life passed away. Who have i got to look after me and pick me up when i fall down? no one i felt lonely.. i didnt know what to do with my life.
i went to my girlfriends dads house as my partner was there with the baby. That was the moment i realised i cant give up. i have a pregnant girlfriend and a little boy whos looking up to me as hes dad. i couldnt do what hes dad done. i could of easyly done something stupid that day. not going to lie i thought about it. but i see them, and i couldn't.
Like i said before i wasnt the best child but my nan allways loved me she never ever treated me different despite what was going on. All ive ever thought is was she proud of me.. The answer is difficult to answer because i was just proving my self. Like i said the day before i got back into contact with my partner i was arrested and this wasnt the first time. i was working at the time but only on and off it wasnt permanent, so she wouldnt of been proud of that. The only thing she would of been proud of would be settling down being off the drugs for years now and not been arrested for almost a year. i calmed down a lot, thats the one thing about children if you have them you will know what i mean you cant be that imature child anymore your now a rolemodel so i did step up in the last 9 months of my nans life if she was proud of me at this point or not im not sure but i do hope so.
My sons Second Christmas comes SURELY this boy is going to try and make and effort... are you having a laugh same as last Christmas and birthday absolutely nothing.. No wish him a merry Christmas nothing..
February 27th my girlfriend was haveing contractions i was so excited im going to see my little man for the 1st time. i can not wait... my girlfriend told me to go on my driving lesson cos there not that regular and there not that strong so what do i go and do. listen to her and go...
i'm on my final driving lesson before my test next week, its a double lesson so 2 hours.. half way through i get a phone call... its my girlfriends little sister is hysterical down the phone saying my girlfriend is going into labour... what? i pulled over my instructor drove me back to her father in laws house i get 5 minutes away i get another phone call... her little sister told me how my partner had given birth before the ambulance got there and she had to deliver it for her. (shes only 14 btw)...
my heart dropped but i said if your lieing im not going to be happy.. there was no crying in the background so i sat in the passenger seat of my driving instructors car 5 minutes away no shes just winding me up isnt she, isnt she???
i got out the car the ambulance is there at this point i run in the house there her little sister at the top of the stairs holding what looks like tin foil.. me laughing as i walk up the stairs i said see i knew you was lieing my heart is back where its meant to be i got closer it moved... that was her moving her arm i thought.
i get to the top of the stairs and there i see it wasnt tin foil.. my little boy was in this insulated blanket thing to keep him warm... i was so upset i only just missed my first born child being born that special moment seeing him enter this world i didnt even get to cut hes cord, and what makes it worse i wasnt there for my partner she just had her little sister there as the ambulance turnt up just before me.
went to the hospital with my Little man i remember holding him the whole way in the ambulance i was so proud of me and my partner. we have produced a lovely beautiful blue eyed little boy.
My mum and dad and brothers turned up to the hospital to meet there 1st born grandson and nephew..
Everything was fine a lovely healthy little boy. i didnt wanna let him go i didnt want to put him down i love this little boy so much.
We got home EVENTUALLY about 8 hours later... My girlfriends 1st born hasent even met hes little brother.
The one thing my girlfriend said was never to treat him different to my own child which i replied he is my child as well. The dad has not seen hes son in almost a year. That's not a dad, a dad is someone who is there for the child being its older roll model someone to look up the father figure in hes life and that defonatly is not that cheating little scumbag that has not ever bought him a birthday or Christmas card.. i sit there and it bugs me.. how can someone have a child and not want nothing to do with hes child. Even if something happened between me and my partner i would never ever do what this boy has done i would do everything to see them.
My oldest sons second birthday no message nothing... at this point ive given up with him hes had hes chances he can kiss it mate..
my girlfriend looks on hes facebook hes put a status up... What? i cant believe it... it was saying something like how hes messed up big time because hes messed up from seeing hes son but wants to wish him a happy birthday. well what can i say he might not of messaged us but he put a status up? does he mean it or is it all for attention? i dont know my girlfriend is asking me what she should do should she let him see it after everything thats gone on. I wasnt happy but i said yes because he MIGHT of changed i dont know and he deserves another chance. he was only young at the time (17) hes now 18 maybe hes grown a pair and wants to man up and be a real man..
i was happy in a way my girlfriends first child is going to have a bond with hes real father... even though hes messed up in the passed he might of matured. Then they decided they would meet up on saturday. But my girlfriend made it very clear if he done the same thing again as last time thats it this is hes last chance to prove himself to be a father. i wanted to message him and tell him if he messed with my Little boys head again i would seriously hurt him but my girlfriend told me not to.. At this point i realised how much this was going to hurt. i then sat there and though How is this boy running in and out of his life doesnt bother messaging seeing how he is or anything then messages nd now hes the dad again... it hurt it felt like my oldest child was being taken away from me.. my father son bond is now going to be stolen by a low life. the boy is still on drugs with all imature tattoos all over hes face and hands.. this isnt something i want my child growing up looking up to. who would?
a few weeks pass every Saturday they met up i felt hurt, everytime he come back he had a new toy or outfit.. at this point work wasnt great so i couldnt match it as much as i wanted to i couldnt.. i need a job i thought..The boy asked to have him over night which i thought was taking the mick... hes been in contact for literally 2-3 weeks and asking for over night staying? is he having a laugh or something? My girlfriend doesnt like to say no to people so she said she would think about it but when she come home she explained how hes whole family was there and hes mum asked. what a cheek her 1st grandchild and she never even bothered getting him a birthday card or christmas card...
She told him how in august he wasnt going to be able to see him for 3 weeks as my parents payed for us to go on holiday :D i was so excited im going on holiday with my girlfriend and my two babys. our first family holiday i couldnt wait.
some time for some father son bonding with my eldest. i couldn't wait.
When my partner told him this he asked for us to go down to where he lives now (hastings) to stay there for a few weeks in a caravan site. is he haveing a laugh? as if im going anywhere near this boy. The amount of hate i have for this boy for taking taking the father son bond away from me and my eldest son. i couldnt... i wouldn't i wouldn't want to snap again at this boy. hes a bully, hes a headf*ck to hes own son walking in and out of hes life when he pleased, cheated on my partner and he thinks i would go down there? no thank you.
like ive made clear to everyone i would not react like this if he was a good dad and bothered with him from the start but he didnt. he didnt even wish him a 1st happy birthday or christmas... that is no dad so why has he got a right to come back into hes life.
i know im being a hypocrite because i previously said he could have another chance but how could i be fine with it? yes deep down i know he deserves one last chance, but i have a bond now hes my son im the one whos changing him waking up in the middle of the night when hes having a bad dream, getting up for him at 7 in the mornings for him this whole time. not this stranger that would rather spend every bit of money on hes tattoos and drugs. i am fuming at this point cos i dont see how he has the cheak to even ask this. but what can i say im just the person whos been there providing for them. im not hes biological dad.
anyways we went on holiday, was only there a couple of days then we had to leave early due to family issues.
i asked my partner not to tell him were home early i wanted to spend the time with him without hes 'dad' being involved, some time with MY FAMILY.
The weekend we was meant to be coming home was getting closer..
im dreading the day this boy messages asking to see him.
the friday before no message? how wierd he saw him every week for the last two months till the holiday and he hasent messaged once??? this isnt like him.
two weeks still nothing? what im confused why isnt this boy messaging no more? this isnt right i thought he changed?
a month later i'm fuming. The boy has still not messaged... so hes come back involved and now hes not bothering again... is he for real? how can he do this to hes child again? im so confused he seemed to have changed wanting to have hes 'son' over night and down hes for a week and now not bothering. my girlfriend messaged him saying youve messed up now youve done it again that is it your not seeing him no more. the relief i had from that message knowing i have my son back and he is staying mine this time... hes mum then messaged my girlfriend saying hes going through a rough time hes broken up with hes girlfriend and hes really upset? excuse me get your prioritys right.. youve been given another chance to build a bond with your son again and youve chose not to because youve broken up with your girlfriend? and getting your mum to write it? come on your meant to be a man, a role model to your 'son' and you cant even message her and write this yourself.
my girlfriend is such a forgiving loving person so when her mum said all this she felt sorry for him because ofcourse she knows him better than me and he apparently deals with break-ups hard? do i care he shouldnt cheat on hes pregnant girlfriend then....
she said he has one more chance to fix up...
my heart dropped again.. ive lost him again to clearly someone who clearly puts hes child second best... how can someone think like that? i really do not know..
now if i remember correctly they met up i think once or twice after that.
Went for a job interview doing merchandising doing 12 hour shifts monday to friday for 3 weeks.. this is where the problems started. how is he going to see hes son because hes not doing it on a weekend cos thats the only time i have with my girlfriend and kids so im going to spend it with them all. I said he cant see him once a month which i think is fair give him enough time to run around getting off hes face on drugs and getting more tattoos because thats what he seems to want to do anyways...
but no like i said before my girlfriend thinks of hes feelings and doesent think its hes fault he was young before now 'heartbroken' so she felt sorry for him. so what we decided to do was when i was at work he could go round her house.. i bet you can imagine how i felt about this i was fuming knowing im at work trying to bring home some money for my children and my girlfriend while this low life tattood face druggy is going to be in her house around my two children. in my eyes hes had to many chances now do you not agree? and now hes going round her house. but i said ok to keep the peace and atleast this way i could spend the weekends with my family which is what i cared about anyways. well my girlfriend told him he could come round during the week so he said either tuesday or thursday for defonate and my girlfriend said let me know if you cant make it on tuesday so i know so i can make sure im free for defonate on thursday..
well guess what tuesday comes no text phonecall or facebook message... so she just thinks he must of been busy he will message tommorow appologising saying hes coming round thursday.. well wednesday comes and still nothing thursday then came and still nothing. the relief i felt was unreal. honestly....
christmas has come nd guess what no message no wishing him a happy christmas. not once has he had a christmas card nor a birthday card from hes biological 'dad'.
and still to this day he has not messaged my girlfriend or me asking how hes 'son' is.
Now do you see why i called him a c**t in the very begining...

now your probably wondering why i am writing this long post about my life story well the reason is this...

In the eyes of the law my eldest son is nothing to me. I have no rights over him at all... if anything happened to my partner (which touch wood it doesn't) then hes 'dad' could fight for him and he would win.. even though hes a low life scum bag who has never even bought him a pack of nappies or baby milk or even wipes... just a few toys which was cheap because thats what he thinks is right. To walk in and out of a young childs life like that is disgusting. How does that work when clearly i am hes father... its out of order the law needs to change

and also has anyone got any advice on this next bit because both me and my girlfriend are both worrying about what to do.
Me and my partner have also both agread we would never lie to him about who hes real 'dad' is so when he grows up he will go to see his dad and that side of the family who will try to twist hes head into thinking we pushed hes dad away which we didnt. but what can we do?
lie to him for him to find out the truth and hate me or tell him the truth and let him go see hes dad and that side of the family to twist hes head and hate both of us?
we are both stuck in the middle and all we have done is try to protect him from someone who is no good. all i want to do is be the father he deserves without him hating me or my partner..

thank you for taking the time to read this.
and thank you in advance for the advice you give.

sorry about the spelling and the punctuation, ive been writing this since around about 3:30 and it is now 7:30..

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 02/28/2016

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"I do not understand how you think what he is done is right and deserves more chances?"

I can't see where anyone said what he has done is right. They are saying the law says he has rights. The law ALSO says that the child has a right to a relationship with both children.

"But no we are being made out to be the bad guys?"

Noone is making you out to be the bad guys either. They really are just telling you how it is and how to make the best of a difficult situation.

If you don't want his money and won't encourage your partner to go to court for child support, then stop complaining he pays for nothing. That's a choice you have made.

If your partner has not been to court for court orders for custody and visitation and she is denying him visits, she "could" potentially lose custody on the basis of parental alienation. She doesn't have the right to do that. People have lost custody of their children for doing this. If social services told you to do it, then I hope to god they will defend you in court when he claims parental alienation.

Is it right? Maybe not, but it is the law. And it is the law to stop vindictive mothers preventing fathers from having a relationship with the child. I'm not saying that is your situation, but if that law changed, then a lot more kids would be denied access to good dads too.

If he is such a deadbeat who has no interest in his child, have her arrange for him to sign away his rights - then the door is open for you to adopt.

Children need a stable relationship with one parent. The instability of the other parent can be balanced by that one stable home. I know this through studies in psychology and also from personal experience with an ex who would often not show up for his visits. My son is now an adult, still has a relationship with his dad, and is a stable young man with no hang ups. As long as there is one stable parent, the child will be fine.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/29/2016

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You seem to be a step up guy. However: the fact of the matter is the child has a biological father, that person has the right to a relationship and to support his child, and THE CHILD HAS A RIGHT TO A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS BIOLOGICAL FATHER.

Legally, your girlfriend has to give him a chance to know his kid.

MaryAnn - posted on 02/28/2016

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Your feelings are valid. But what you need is to find a healthier way of dealing with them. Your feelings dont affect the law, and Im very sorry this is so hard.

Ev - posted on 02/28/2016

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"I do not understand how you think what he is done is right and deserves more chances?.."----I never said in my post it was right or fair for him to have the rights or deserve it. I said that he has a right to see his kid and have a relationship. It is the law and that is how it works especially if he has made a choice to fight for visitation or rights to have some sort of custody set up.

" Imagine if your child's father kept walking in and out of its life.. If you actually think it is right for someone to do that to a child and think they deserve to have more rights than the man who has brought up someone else's child and loved that child as much as there own child then I don't think you love your kids as much as I love mine ( I don't mean to offend anyone by that ) I'm trying to protect him from someone who clearly does not care...
"----1)My ex and I agreed to joint custody with him being primary because I was not about to fight him over the kids all the time and also to give them a piece of a stable life and a peace of mind. They knew when we would be together and when we were not and I was always available to them if they needed me other than the time I got. So do not tell me that I do not love my kids as much as you love yours. I am not taking it as an offense but you can not compare your love for the kids in your life to mine. I made a sacrifice you will never understand because it was for THEIR BEST INTEREST. 2) I understand you are trying to protect the child but it is not your decision to make about the bio dad's rights or if he sees this child or not. That is parental alienation and can land mom and even you in trouble if bio dad fights for his rights. 3) And what rights do you claim? You are not yet the step parent unless you are married now and did not put that in your posts. If you are not married to mom, you have NO say legally over what happens. Your rights to love the child, care for the child, etc are fine and everyone that thinks that of well of children are in their rights to love and protect them but you can not make legal decisions such as whether the father has rights or not. That is for a judge.

""Why would we want to go to court and force him to be a father when clearly he does not want to be a father to he's child... And we don't want he's money because I am the man of the house I go out and earn the money to bring the food home and I've always provided for my partner and BOTH of my children."
---Because he IS RESPONSIBLE. He helped to create this child and he is supposed support his child. It is not a right but a responsibility on his part. .

"And I'd just like to say since the last contact we have not told him he can't see him, he's just chose not to contact us to see he's son or even ask how he's been... Every time the boy has seen MY son it's because we are chasing him... Why should we?"
----You need to keep record of when you contact him and what times and days you offer him so if he does fight this you can offer that as evidence that you tried to get him to see his child. You should not have to constantly go after him to do so. Offer it for a day and time. Then if he does not show....that is on him and by keeping record of it mom will look better for it.

" At the last social service meeting they even told us not to let him see him and if he asks go through the courts because he does not deserve to be the father..."
---I have never heard of social services saying such things about a parent and being able to see the child. The only time that would happen is if a parent is found dangerous to be around the child and has supervised or no visitation at all.

" But no we didn't want to do that we gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking he was young and now he's meant to be a 'man' he must of changed so we gave him another chance ( even though it was killing me inside) id love him to be in contact with he's biological father because in a sense I agree, but he's messed up to many times now and that is not fair,"
----No one said life is fair. Also your girl was under 18 when she had this child so she is still technically a girl....no she is a woman because she made an adult choice. So did the father of this child. This child did not ask to be born into this situation and it happened anyway. This child is not the only one born into a situation like this or similar. Is it fair to them? No. They did not ask for it either.

" I don't see how you all disagree with me when all I'm trying to do is protect my son... Do you not see it's going to mess with he's head, he looks at me as he's dad then we keep trying to introduce him to hes 'real' dad but he keeps walking in and out... Children need a stable relationship with there parents and specially a boy with he's dad... "
----I never said I agreed or disagreed with you. I do agree that kids need stable lives. I do not agree how the bio father has acted in this. But it is not up to you to make the choice once again to keep the bio father away. Kids are resilient and bounce back quickly from a lot of things (I know for fact because I have raised two to adult hood and Jodi has also raised some kids up to that stage of life too). He needs to know who his dad is and I know you said that you and mom will make sure he knows who this person but he needs to have contact with the man too if possible.

"But no we are being made out to be the bad guys? I just don't understand it your meant to mothers, your meant to want to protect your children and by the looks of it with your opinions I don't think you would ever understand unless you was in our position."
---No one made you bad guys. You just do not like the answers you have gotten to some point. Remember my comments on my kids and my situation---if that is not love what is?

Tom - posted on 02/28/2016

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I do not understand how you think what he is done is right and deserves more chances?.. Imagine if your child's father kept walking in and out of its life.. If you actually think it is right for someone to do that to a child and think they deserve to have more rights than the man who has brought up someone else's child and loved that child as much as there own child then I don't think you love your kids as much as I love mine ( I don't mean to offend anyone by that ) I'm trying to protect him from someone who clearly does not care... Why would we want to go to court and force him to be a father when clearly he does not want to be a father to he's child... And we don't want he's money because I am the man of the house I go out and earn the money to bring the food home and I've always provided for my partner and BOTH of my children.
And I'd just like to say since the last contact we have not told him he can't see him, he's just chose not to contact us to see he's son or even ask how he's been... Every time the boy has seen MY son it's because we are chasing him... Why should we? At the last social service meeting they even told us not to let him see him and if he asks go through the courts because he does not deserve to be the father... But no we didn't want to do that we gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking he was young and now he's meant to be a 'man' he must of changed so we gave him another chance ( even though it was killing me inside) id love him to be in contact with he's biological father because in a sense I agree, but he's messed up to many times now and that is not fair, I don't see how you all disagree with me when all I'm trying to do is protect my son... Do you not see it's going to mess with he's head, he looks at me as he's dad then we keep trying to introduce him to hes 'real' dad but he keeps walking in and out... Children need a stable relationship with there parents and specially a boy with he's dad...
But no we are being made out to be the bad guys? I just don't understand it your meant to mothers, your meant to want to protect your children and by the looks of it with your opinions I don't think you would ever understand unless you was in our position.

Ev - posted on 02/28/2016

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Tom--I have read this post and the ones below between you and Mary Ann. I can understand what you are saying about the father of this boy you have been taking care of on an daily basis in every way and form possible. But you still do not seem to understand that until this young man is proven to be an actual danger to the child through means of abuse, neglect, or other issues that would endanger a child, he still has the right to see his son and to try to have some sort of a relationship. Even if he is a bad egg. I have read a lot of similar posts to yours on this sight from the mom's point of view about the fathers being like this. But the bottom line is this: He is the bio father. He still has rights to see his child IF he chooses. He also needs to be made responsible as well and that means to provide child support so that his child can have his needs met. How is it fair to you? Well, its not fair that you have to sit and watch this man go back and forth, but that is the unfortunate downside to all this. He can do that and until a court order is in place holding him to certain obligations to the child he won't be held in account to that. Also, you are not in the position to actually make any sort of choices for this child legally until you can become a guardian or adopt the child which would require a lot of things such as being married to the mother for one. You did not say for sure that you were married to her. And in legal means, you are not a step dad though you have stepped up to that role and I applaud you for that. Not many young men like you do that. It is also not fair you have to pick up the pieces. But in the end it is not about you and the mother and father at all: It is about that child.
You need to do the right thing and get mom to get this to court to set custody, visitation and child support for the father.
As for you: I am glad you stepped up to take on a lot of things that you did not have to do so. You took on a child that is not yours and made him yours by being there for him, doing for him, and loving him to no end. It takes a special person to do that and you are one of those special people.
I wrote that pinned post on the custody, visitation, and child support advice. If you do read it, keep in mind that I wrote it because I got sick and tired of a lot of the moms who were downing the fathers for no reason and/or were just keeping the kids away from dad for no real reason. Its not legal advice but a lot of it is legal stuff anyhow just from knowledge and experiences from a lot of us that I have picked up over time.

Keep in mind, that though this child's bio father is not there; you are and that makes a difference in his life. Dislike the man all you want to but be sure that you do not reflect that to the point the child can pick up on those feelings because they can. And get mom to court.

Tom - posted on 02/28/2016

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i understand what your saying about maybe he wasnt mature enough which yes i agree.
my partner was 16 at the time and he was 15 she fell pregnant pretty quick into the relationship hes a young lad i understand that. but my partner made it very clear to him if he was not ready then she would of aborted (thank god she didnt) but he said hes ready to be a dad and he wanted a child... then goes and cheats on her with her best friend she forgives him cos he said a sob story about how hes mind was all over the place and she gave him another chance. then he went and cheated on her again when it was to late to have an abortion and she left him which is fair enough why should she suffer because of him? she shouldnt so now shes a single mum in a mother and baby unit (which is not nice, she had limited time out a day moved away from her family and friends) all because of this imature boy... do you understand why i have so much hate for this boy? or do you think im over exaggerating?
but now hes 19 years old got back into contact with him then fucked him over again...
when i look at both of my boys i sit there and think im not going to let anyone hurt you... by him keep running in and out of hes life like this is hurting him, how can i sit there and let someone hurt my little boy just because hes hes 'biological' father. like the title says 'anyone with a d*ck can make a baby but it takes a real man to be a father' which is true do you not agree? my point is, why does this boy have more rights over me when i have been there everyday looking after him making sure he has food and clean clothes on hes back and what ever toys he needs, just because hes blood? even though i say i hate him and it made me mad when he got back in contact, you got to understand my little boy is my little boy, im now worried hes going to mess with hes head again. i cant stand there and let that happen do you know what i mean? dont get me wrong i would love him to be on contact with hes real father, if hes father made an effort. not once has this boy ever messaged my partner or me its allways been my partner makeing the effort.. and tbh i sit there and think why should she try make him see hes son, if hes son meant as much to him as he means to me he would constantly be trying to contact us to see him or not even that, he knows how to message on facebook what is so hard in even sending a message asking how he is? imagine now if you had a child and the father had full custody, youd be messaging all the time making sure they are ok and constantly asking to see them.... that to me is a parent anyways, not someone who just produced a baby. that means nothing in my eyes if the parent isnt trying to be a parent.

MaryAnn - posted on 02/28/2016

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You cant change him, you cant kick him out. Thats just the way it is. You need to let your feelings go, and focus on your little boy. No one is making you like the father. No one is even making you spend time with him. Only you can parent up to your standards. And thats the way it should be.

MaryAnn - posted on 02/28/2016

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Honestly, my husband, his ex, and myself all come from very different kinds of blended families with positive relationships with step parents and step/half siblings. We have an advantage in that although I have no legal rights or responsibilities, we all understand that our family units are important. In short, I am respected as a parent. I do not get final decisions, but my concerns are heard and considered thoroughly. I am pretty lucky. Our step fathers were all heard as fathers. This aint our first rodeo.
Actually, the court never awarded her fifty fifty. We have never been to court. In all of the arrangements we have had, there has been reasonable compromise, and the little one has been well cared for and loved. The court wouldnt have seen her behaviour as a factor in her losing rights. What the courts would list as her responsibility, she could have failed to do with no consequence.
We do not deny access. When she is with us, if its technically our time or hers, we do everything we can and should, and her mother holds to the same standard. No court is not an arrangement I would suggest for anyone. There is so much room for failure.
The bio mom in our situation, I imagine much like the bio father in yours, is not a bad parent. She wasnt ready and she didnt know how. And as the good parents we pride ourselves to be, we have been patient while biomom figured out her life.
Ive lost so much sleep cleaning up puke. Ive sleep trainrd, and potty trained, Ive watched her learn so many things. Is it fair? Maybe not.
But do you know what?
My little girl is resiliant, and she is growing, and she is learning. And sometimes things change in her life- but thats okay, because she is loved by many people.
And do you know what else? I am so lucky to have such a bright little girl in my life.

Tom - posted on 02/28/2016

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''DNA don't make you a daddy. Love does. You don't have to share DNA with a child to love them as your own'' this statement is the realest statement going.

Tom - posted on 02/28/2016

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but thats different the friend part cos i dont look up to my friends like a child looks up to hes father.
a young baby needs hes father around and seeing him consistently that's whats a child needs. not one that comes in and out of hes life when it pleases him. thats just selfish and cruel.
and i do not understand how you dont feel the same as me with your step daughter. cos like you said youve been there since before she can remember and the mother didnt want nank to do with her. now she has 50/50 custody just like that...
if that was me id be fuming... and i dont understand how you can still say that shes her mother, and how you can actually say that my boys 'dad' is still hes dad...
my little boy is my world... if the judge tried to give him 50/50 custody i would kick right off and i would not accept that never ever...

MaryAnn - posted on 02/28/2016

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Think about it this way. You can have two friends. Two very different friends. One may be more reliable and present, you can do vastly different things together, and the quality of those relationships are independant of eachother. Even having a shitty friend shouldn't devalue your relationship with your best friend. Your best friend wouldn't stop being good to you if you have a shitty friend. And if you had a shitty friend, you wouldnt give up on your relationship with a good friend. If your best friend is mean to you because you have a shitty friend, what you have is a shitty best friend.

MaryAnn - posted on 02/28/2016

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The dad is my husband. My SD is 4, and the dad has had physical custody from day one up until about October when the mom stepped up and decided to involve herself. Bio mom went from not having a time or place to see her and no support to 50/50 custody, no support goes either way. What she chooses to do in that time is none of our technical business, but shes put SD in new situations that we would never have done, as its not our style (ie day care) and SD is seriously flourishing.
Here is what I hope you take away from this. His relationship and his actions with your son dont take away what you consistently provide. They dont take away your special moments, and they dont undo what you have taught him. He can never take your place in your sons heart and life. He can only hope to become half as good. Or, again, he might not. But its important not to be a barrier between your son and a lesson about life. He needs his father, and if his father isnt there, you be a good dad, wipe his tears, and tell him that you love him no matter what. His dad is half of him.

Tom - posted on 02/28/2016

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i understand where your coming from in a way but i dont agree with the judge having a choice over our child if you know what i mean, and there is a lot more to the story but i dont want to right it all over the internet hes not a right person and the family are very messed up. but i do understand what your saying about my girlfriend needs to keep her end up but she did...
she had social services involved for the 1st year of hes life and she passed every assesment going and she proved to them that she did everything in her power to try and get him to see hes son, but he didnt have none of it and i dont understand how anyone can act like to that to there 1st born child, do you know what i mean? i dont understand how blood is more important than the person who has been there for him everyday sitting up with him trying to comfort him when hes upset hurt and ill and hes just out there spending all hes money on tattoos and drugs. i dont think thats right or fair at all.
and we would tell him who hes real dad is but obviously not every detail because that is not what we actually want.
to be honest if he was around from the start i wouldnt feel like this towards him, but its where hes not wanted to be involved and is allways jumping in and out of hes life which i dont think is right or fair hes only a baby still thats just messing with hes head he needs a stable father figure someone who will allways be there for him like me. not that waste of space
also you said your a step parent how old is your child if you dont mind me asking?
and does the 'dad' still see her?

MaryAnn - posted on 02/28/2016

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Here is the deal. I want you to know that I am a step mom, and have been extremely present in her life since before she can remember, and the biomom hasn't always always acted the way I would want to act in my little girl's life. I come from a very loving place, and I can identify with your emotions re the ex.
But you are not legally the parent. He is. And neither you, nor your girlfriend have any right to deny the father his rights. She needs to go to the court. This is the judge's job and right. She needs to keep her end up, even if he isn't, because this is alienation. You need to get a custody order, and follow it like the bible. Here is the thing. You are not in it. But you are in your home and you are in your relationship, and it sounds like your lady takes your ideas and opinions in consideration, not just in your daily lives but also in major decisions.

Now. You hate this guy. You hate him when he's there, you hate him when he's gone. Hes just gonna continue whatever the fuck he wants to do, not a thing you can do about it and that's his right.
There are two ways it can go, and only the future can tell how it is.
He can straighten up his act, and your child will learn about loving lots of people and having lots of support.
OR
He will continue to be an ass, and you'll have the opportunity to watch your son learn about actions and natural consequence. If you do as good of a job as you say you are, hopefully your son will choose to make the kind of actions that lead to good consequences. He will learn about abandonment and disappointment but also love, and committment.
You dont need to tell your son who he is, your son will know, and only time will tell who he will be.
Geesh.
I smell some sexism. If I had posted a thread like this, NO ONE would give me any sympathy. A step dad always fixes, and a step mom's always evil.

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