Appropriate Masturbation Behavior. Is it ok for kids to explore?

Rebecca - posted on 11/26/2017 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Hello and in need of desperate advice!!
After our families thanksgiving dinner I discovered my daughter (age 9) and step-son (age 11) masturbating in our basement on the floor. I was appaled and seperated them immediately and sent them to their own rooms, however i did not tell them it was wrong because I did not know how to handle this. However, one of my girlfriends criticized me really bad for it and told me i was stigmatizing their sexual development by stopping them and seperating them. I was really upset by it as I try to be open-minded about things. I was so upset that when I found my step-son and daughter masturbating again in the basement I just sent them to my sons room together to finish what they were doing in private. My step-son is old enough to c** so I am lost. Is it ok if i teach them boundaries but they do this togtether?
PLEASE HELP!!

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Gabrielle - posted on 11/28/2017

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First of all, in my opinion masturbation should be a private thing and shouldn't be done between siblings.
Secondly, I'm not saying how you handled the situation by allowing them masturbating together in your stepson's room was right or wrong but then again I'm unsure as to why you would have done that?
As they approach their teens they will need some privacy which includes between siblings. Masturbation isn't a wrong thing to do but shouldn't be done between siblings, I believe.
You may say, by separating them they may want to try it again behind your back, which can be true but then you can only control that much and you have already explained, and they seemed understood by now, that it is not right to do it together.

Shenequa - posted on 11/27/2017

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I’m not going to say that what you do in your home is “wrong” and what I do in my home is “right” however, in my household, if I caught my children masturbating, I would not be so forgiving. I do understand children exploring the bodies however I wonder if the children are just exploring or are they learning this behavior from others (peers, on-line videos via a computer or cellphone, older kids, etc.). Because everyone has different perspectives about sex, I can only say that from my perspective, I would have to teach my children to respect their bodies and that means self-control. If I were to allow my children to continue this behavior, where would it end? I would probably question if by allowing the behavior, am I setting my children up to become addicted to this behavior so much so that they can’t function unless they are masturbating? Also I would question whether allowing the behavior would then lead to other “curiosities” such as involving other children whether consensual or not, creating other addictive behavior such as pornography, etc. On a side note, my husband has never been fond of masturbating. I thought all men did it and he told me that he never received any satisfaction doing that to himself that it is was always a turn off when other women did it to arouse him since he saw it as taking away from his job of pleasing them.

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Michelle - posted on 11/28/2017

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You need to have set boundaries in your house. Everyone needs to respect each other's privacy and know that they have the right to say if someone else is doing something they don't like.
Masturbation is natural but EVERYONE needs to keep it private. It's not something that should be shared, especially children that are living in the same house.
You want to teach your daughter that her body is hers to tell anyone that they aren't to touch. You also need to teach her about internet security and that she is never to take nude photo's of herself and definitely not send them to anyone.
She's 9 and she shouldn't have been exposed to any of this so sending them to a room together to "finish" what they were doing is absolutely the wrong thing to do.

Sarah - posted on 11/27/2017

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I don't think it has to be advertised. When one of my boys heads into the shower for 30 minutes; I suspect he has done more than just wash himself. Or, if they are in their room with the door shut; I knock and ask if i may come in. Sometimes they ask me to wait just a second. I either wait or say- never mind it can wait. I don't ask them what they are doing as it is not really my business. As long as they are caring for their own body. I am not a super liberal person when it comes to sex, but that is part of my conservative, Catholic upbringing. However, we talk about sex. I have had open dialog with both my boys and girls since they were very young. I have caught both of my boys "in the act" and I just turn around and close the door. Time and frequency is up to them. As long as they are not hurting them self, involving each other, and chores and schoolwork are done? I don't care if they masturbate 1 or 10 times a day.
As far as your 9yo, yes she is probably achieving an orgasm. If she comfortable talking to you about it; she may say she gets a "certain feeling" or "special feeling". Remind her to wash her hands afterwards and don't make a huge deal of it. I would at some point talk about intercourse with a partner; talk about how special it is, and how waiting for the right person will make the experience even better. Encourage her to come to you with questions. The sooner you open a dialog the easier it will be to talk about.

Rebecca - posted on 11/26/2017

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I talked to my daughter and step-son and they seem to fully understand.. we do live together full time for 2 years now and this seems to be a new phenomena thank god. I am still having issue with the idea of allowing them “privacy” time in their own rooms to masturbate. My daughters is only 9, should I be giving her as much time as she wants for a session and what is she has orgasms? I think she may be too young for this, but I want her to express her feelings and desires. Or how about my step-son should I let him enough time until he “cums” Sarah E? I come from a liberal family so it’s not the act but the ages to handle sexual responsibility.. Should I allow them these “times” and should they tell me before they do it so the family is aware?

Sarah - posted on 11/26/2017

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Well this is unfortunate. First, you and your husband need to talk and come up with a common plan for what is acceptable behavior. What your step-son did is way inappropriate and that need to be considered as to why he'd even think it would be ok to do such a thing. He'd not use the toilet nor urinate on her, so why would he ejaculate in front of or on her body. Talk to you daughter and follow her lead; answer every question she may have and I would certainly be frank with what he did, what it means; all of it. She is old enough to know about sex; male anatomy, her own anatomy and what to expect. She also needs to know that she has not done anything wrong. Both of these kids are young and I would not consider this a sexual assault; but it needs to stop. She needs to learn to tell him no, and leave if and when he initiates such activity.
Do you live together full time? For how long? Ask your daughter when this stuff started and then you and your hubby hold the line about privacy; not touching each other and protecting your own body.

Rebecca - posted on 11/26/2017

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Ok thank you so much Sarah E i will do this!. Sarah should I clarify for my daughter what she saw my step-son do? Also I feel so ashmaed i sent them both to his room to continue doing this..my step-son told me he (excuse the inappropriate remark) "cummed" in front of her and on her belly and made her watch... I never expected this to turn out so bad and go so far. my friend had me so upset I lost myself for a few days..how can i convey my remorse to my daughter. I allowed her to be exposed to this at such a young age. I am hysteric right now omg

Sarah - posted on 11/26/2017

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Masturbation and self exploration is normal and part of learning about your own body. However, I agree with you completely that they should NOT be doing this in the company of each other or anyone else. Talk to your daughter and have your SS father talk to him. Explain that what they are doing is private and is only to be done alone. Talk about sex, safety, caring for your body, choosing appropriate partners...it is not too early to start theses talks. Let them know you are there to answer any questions. Respect their privacy but make it clear that masturbation (at this age) is a solo activity. When they are older and in an exclusive loving relationship, then they may decide to masturbate in the company of a partner.
You we right to separate them. Even though they are not technically siblings; they live as though they are and masturbating with a sibling is not apporpriate.

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