Are we in danger of preteen?

Katie - posted on 07/13/2016 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I have 2 boys (ages 4 and 12) and we live with my husband of 2 years and his daughter (she is 12). His daughter was adopted by my husband out of foster care when he and his ex-wife were married. His ex-wife has nothing to do with her. My stepdaughter has been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder, possibly oppositional defiance disorder, anxiety, depression, and ADHD. She is this amazing little girl to everyone she meets. She is scary and manipulative behind closed doors. I have found weapons in her room, most recently I found a pair of sharp scissors that she took apart to make into knives, she found metal tubes and bit them to make them into sharp knives. She is also violently impulsive at times. She tried to pull her sister on the top bunk by putting a jump rope around her neck. She poured dirt on my 4 year old's head so he had trouble breathing. She plays "dumb" in that she doesn't have a reason for this or didn't know how the weapons got there. She is a compulsive liar and lies about everything. She steals. Most recently she stole a library book. When her dad and I took it away from her she wrote a note and ripped it up. We put the pieces together and it said "My family is a bunch of fucking little bitches. They took the library book away that I was reading and I stole it last year and not this year. I fucking hate them." She also has a weird relationship with her dad. I know that she wants me and my boys gone so that it can just be the two of them. She is super loving and touching with him. He has talked with her and her therapist expressing how uncomfortable he is. She is manipulative and tries to get me in trouble with my husband. She has no boundaries. She has a terrible attitude with me. What I am doing....going to therapy, talking to my husband about everything, but there seems to be a disconnect. She was supposed to be in therapy camp all summer but she didn't like it and my husband got worried so he pulled her out and said we would find another camp (they're all full). I told him today that if she is not going to camp he will have to find classes for her to keep her busy and away from the other kids during the summer. She is dealing with normal preteen behaviors, but then she's dealing with some really bizarre behaviors that I think my husband has just gotten used to. I am not ok with her being in the home. I worry at night that she is going to wake up and kill one of us in our sleep. Then I think maybe I am overreacting. But I have learned to trust my gut over the years and something isn't right. I just can't get my husband to ACT on getting her help.

6 Comments

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Sheila - posted on 07/16/2016

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I would protect my own children in this volatile situation. Even to the point I would move out until the therapy makes physical injury threat to your children and you a non- issue. Move out but of course, see your husband! If something should happen to one of your children at her hands, how would you forgive yourself? Your husband appears to be in denial but he is not the one under threat.
Take the protection of your children seriously. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If his daughter does want her father for herself, is making knives in her room and tried to to pull up one of your children to a top bunk with a rope around her neck (and then maybe push her sister off and hang her). And then covered your son with dirt to the point your 4 year old son was having trouble breathing And on top of all that she has impulse issues (!!), I would take this situation extremely seriously.
I personally think a group home under constant supervision, is warranted at this time until she is better but I doubt your husband will allow it.
I would (myself) would move out asap. But I have not walked a mile in your moccasins. All the best and hugs🌅

Katie - posted on 07/14/2016

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Wow! Thank you. I am watching these videos right now and just sent them to my husband.

DC - posted on 07/14/2016

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Oh my, I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation, and seem to be handling it without your DH’s complete understanding and help. He needs to understand the severity of this behavior right away! And I would certainly take every precaution in protecting your younger children. You are in such a hard place.

I found a couple of places you might find help. Empowered to Connect is a great site. This link is to “10 questions adoptive parents ask” on that site: http://bit.ly/29SPN4a. Under “resources” they also have some clips on a variety of relevant subjects.

TCU has a great program dealing with, as they say, trust-based relational intervention. http://bit.ly/29yfPM0 This is for children suffering from the effects of early trauma, abuse, neglect. TCU has both a state by state list of practitioners as well as a short clip about attachment disorder. I pray for protection as well as for wisdom and healing for you all.

Katie - posted on 07/13/2016

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Seeing the therapist tomorrow with my husband and going to flat out ask what I need to do with my boys in front of him. I'm hoping to get an answer that will put me at ease. We are also looking at intense therapy right now for her. It's so expensive!!! AGH!

Dove - posted on 07/13/2016

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I would absolutely never allow her around your 4 year old w/out constant supervision. As far as anything else... I don't know because this is a much more serious situation than I have any experience in. She definitely needs some serious help and monitoring, but I do not know what you can do (other than protecting yourself and your children) if her father isn't getting her the help she needs.

What has her therapist suggested in all of this?

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