Ashamed (not baby related)

[deleted account] ( 50 moms have responded )

Ok I know this isn't baby relate but I have to ask has anyone else done something real bad that you can't forgive yourself for? And every day you remember it and wish you could turn back time but cant (even thought it happened 2 years ago)? Has anyone else got something they deeply regret and feel it has changed them as a person? If so, how did you get over it????

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Kristin - posted on 05/01/2010

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Talk therapy helps. So does embracing the act and acknowledging that it has shaped you, made you who you are today. Just keep moving forward and be the best person you can be for having done whatever it was that you did.

If you can, atone for the action. Some wounds need to be reopened. But it is always best to weigh the outcome over the current state. It's sort of like the cheater who wants to confess. If their partner will only be hurt by the confession, the cheater should say nothing. They are only trading their pain for another's pain. It's not right to hurt someone else to make yourself feel better.

If you can repair a known damage, then do it. If you can't then work through it with the help of a professional.

Louise - posted on 05/02/2010

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I have had many regrets but you can't take back the things you have said or done. Over time they will fade away but every now and again you get that feeling back of "I wish I didn't say that" I suppose you just have to get on with life. What is done is done and move on. I often think what would of happened if! But in reality here I am and if I'm not happy with my choices in life then it is up to me to put things right. After all you only live once and it's a short life so BE HAPPY!

Jayne - posted on 05/08/2010

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Sally, a little saying I like is "Scars & regrets remind us of where we have been, they don't have to dictate where we are going". You are going to have to find a way to release these feelings for your sake and your family. Goodluck with moving forward. xoxoxo

Amy - posted on 05/07/2010

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I can tell you this, it's hard to forgive your own actions, time is the great leveller, I cheated on my husband and felt like I had committed the worst transgression. Then I ended up almost ruining my marriage. I didn't tell him voluntarily, he asked me because he already knew and that's the thing about these kind of secrets, most of the time they do come out, you have to deal with that truth, this secret may come out. But, guess what? My husband forgave me and we moved on and I recommitted myself to our relationship. That doesn't always happen, but even with the worst possible outcome, if you handle it with grace and love, you will come out all right. I felt like a terrible person, I felt destroyed, but no matter what your faith happens to be, have faith in yourself that just because you made a huge mistake, it does not define your character. You are much more than that mistake. Best wishes, I hope this gives you some clarity.

Emily - posted on 05/05/2010

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i can say this... we're ALL on basic, human level imperfect and really abase. it's really hard to come to terms with that. i have done some things in my life that i am very ashamed of, and i will tell you what has helped me. Jesus. no joke.

he has helped to heal those wounds, and he changes my heart.

to come to terms with some of the dark things that i've done has taken time i've visited a counselor, i've read books, and spent time with God about it. one of the cool things about God is that he redeems... EVERY thing. it's amazing and beautiful. i still have moments where i think, "i wish i wouldn't have done that." however, i live free from the tormenting and agonizing feelings of disappointment/regret.

if i can help you in any way, i would love to. foreverhoneymooners@yahoo.com.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=5...!/profile.php?id=509980767&ref=profile
emily

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Pamela - posted on 09/13/2011

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I asked God to forgive me. Then, I had to believe He did. It is Satan reminding you of your sin. If there is another person involved, is it possible to ask them for forgiveness? There are plenty of things I have done wrong, and I use to let them wear me down and keep me from shining for Jesus. Then I learned I was giving Satan ground and permissioin to mess me over by dwelling on those things that I have been forgiven. Repent of what you have done wrong- maybe put it on a piece of paper, burn it and say God I am not taking the forgiveness back from you again. Then leave it there at the altar. And every time Satan reminds you of this sin, say "I am a daugher of the king and I am forgiven. Get away from me liar." and turn your thoughts to something else. Do this each time and eventually, it will be a distant memory. But, don't be surprised that it comes up again. Then just say to yourself, I am forgiven and move on. Blessings!

Tara - posted on 09/07/2011

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You need to forgive yourself.....no one is perfect, if you learned from what you did then you are better off then people who have made mistakes and not learned. To try and help yourself forgive maybe you can find away to make amends for what you did. If you hurt someone let them know you are sorry if you can't then try to help someone else. Help out at a homeless shelther or foodbank. Anything to help you feel better about your self.

[deleted account]

Thanks Jayne I like that saying.
@ Jane: The thing is, I can never tell him. I could never say those words and break his heart. He is a good man. This will ruin everything for him. He is a leader in the church and you cant lead if you dont have a stable marriage and family life. its not his fault, its mine. I think Id prefer to try and work out a way to continue to breathe rather than hurt him like that. Im pretty sure the chances of him finding out another way are mimimal. The person that I did tell also went through the same thing as me, got played by a player who preys on insecure women. Said player lives in another country now after being deported - nasty character. I think if it was a relationship, I had fallen in love with someone else and it was a continuing thing than I would have to tell him. But seeing as I was just a notch on someones belt (ONE TIME ONLY) I dont want to drag him into it. He deserves better. Thanks so much for your help. You are an awesome lady.

[deleted account]

"Thanks ladies. I also believe in God but the situation is that I never want anyone (apart from the 2 people I shared this with) to ever know what I did. I think Im scared that because I have this secret I am being dishonest and therefore God must be disappointed with me. The truth is I can NEVER tell anyone. I dont want them to be disappointed in me as well. I dont want to embarass my mum, husband, family, church. Its a tough one. Lets just say it was a moral failing. I just cant believe Im in this sitauation. Every time I think I can move on I get terrified that someone will find out and I will embarass everyone that I love. :("

Sally - well if you have shared it with 2 people then it's no longer a secret.
That said - you said it's a moral failing. Now that instantly comes to mind that you might of cheated on your husband (pls forgive me if this is NOT the case) If it is true - you do need to speak to your husband about this and seek his forgiveness. You don't need to tell anyone else tho.
Although you say you have sought God's forgiveness, you don't feel free - I think this might be because you know you need to speak to your husband about it. You should pray, go humbly before him and seek his forgiveness too. Church, family, mum etc don't need to know. I think once he knows you will feel soooo different. You shouldn't be keeping secrets from your husband, but neither should you feel you have to lay your dirty washing out in public.

Dian - posted on 05/07/2010

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Just Don't let your (MIND) dwell on it...give it to God...with true Sorrow...God Forgives..and then leave it with God...he forgives & forgets...and never reminds you of it again....the Devil Loves to do that!!!...but god never does...Let you mind dwell on Good things...all Good things in this world come from GOD!!! in the Bible it says "Every Good & Perfect Gift comes from God" God Bless YOU!!! -dian

Cheresa - posted on 05/07/2010

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There was a time I felt just as you do now. If you'd like to email me we can discuss it in private.

Kelly - posted on 05/07/2010

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I agree with the posts about forgiveness because Christ forgave us. I am a Christian (since 1998 at age 24) and do believe in forgiveness of sin. However, I also know that you will still feel the heavy guilt and weight of this sin (whatever it may be) until you deal with it. It sounds to me that confessing it could mean a huge negative change in your entire life and possibly cause you to lose a lot. Maybe that is indeed the case. The best thing for you to do, though, is do exactly that. I know it sounds scary, but even though God forgives you for whatever it is you have done there is still accountability. You cannot accept forgiveness and remain in sin. You need to confess it to those you have sinned against and ask for THEIR forgiveness. If they choose not to forgive you, then that is on them. You may go through heartache, but this weight will be gone and your spirit will finally be able to rest and not be in anguish. Best of luck to you, whatever you choose to do.

Birttney - posted on 05/07/2010

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Depends on what it is. Some stuff you cant ever forgive yourself for. It is really hard to answer this question if we don't know what it is.

Robbie - posted on 05/07/2010

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I've read these posts and will have to agree with Shannon. It is so easy to ask forgiveess because Christ will forgive you of anything if you ask Him. However, it is much harder to forgive yourself. All you can do after asking His forgiveness is to forgive yourself and seek to improve the situation. Move forward, ask forgiveness of others you might have wronger whether it is your husband, a friend, or whoever. Time will heal the hurt you caused to yourself or others. The fact is though you are sorry. You can only beat yourself up for so long. Don't become a martyr for the cause. If others cannot forgive you - such as a husband - you can only do so much. You are human and you learned from that mistake. It will probably never happen again. You can go no where but forward and live your life now being the best you can be. Let people see that side of you. It will take time, but what else do you have? Don't let others judge you for the indiscretion. You judge you enough and that's not going anywhere. I wish you peace within today.

Deborah - posted on 05/06/2010

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I always pray about it. Ask God for your forgiveness. He loves us so much. Although you will never forget,learn from your expiriences good and bad. It will make you a strong and better person. The burden will be lighter. We are human and we all make mistakes.

Julie - posted on 05/06/2010

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You know...every single person on this earth makes mistakes. No one is perfect, even if they would like you to think that they are.

I have made two really big mistakes in my life, things that I will always regret, things that when I meet my maker, he will have to weight against the good things I did in this world. I cannot make that guilt go away, and I cannot take back the things I have done. I don't quite forgive myself, because I guess in my mind forgiving myself will allow me to forget it, and I never want to forget what I did, so that I don't ever do anything like that ever again.

But...I have learned to live with it. The two mistakes were made more than 20 years ago, so I do have the privilege of "hind sight is 20/20" Every single thing we do leads us on a path. If I had not done those things, my life would not have turned out the way it has. I may have made more mistakes, my life may have turned out worse, and I would not have married my husband and had my son. I would not have the friends I have now, and I probably would not have done the good things that I have tried to do the last 18 years or so. So, although my mistakes were horrible mistakes, they probably made me a much better, loving person than I would have been. My mistakes humbled me, and allowed me to open my heart.

So, don't forget your mistake, but look at the last two years, look at the reaction you have made from your mistake, and look at all the blessings you have been given in those two years. And when you look at those blessings, learn to dwell on them and make more blessings. Live your life to you best potential.

Jules
www.alittlebiteoflife.net

Tsidi - posted on 05/05/2010

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Hi! Sally



Each and everyone of us in this world has that one thing they've done that's really bad and sometimes its not known by everybody or so you think but the good news is that no one has ever confronted you with or about it.



The good news is that if you are in Christ you're a new creature and all your pasts has gone, but if it happened after you recieved Christ in your life you have to make a choice to give it to God in prayer and believe that He has forgiven you and forgive yourself too. I know its easier said than done but its not impossible because anyone that can try and accuse you right now will have to prove that he/ she has never done anything bad in their whole lives as well. That is why Jesus Christ said to the Pharasees if any of them has no sin may cast the first stone to the woman that was caught in adultery.



Sometimes other peoples therapy is to speak to the person involved ask for forgiveness even if its through an email or letter if you feel confrontation would be hectic.



Lastly God knew you would faulter before you were born listen to the Grace of God message of Joseph Prince and that will make you understand that from birth till death Christ has died for ALL your sins even the ones you haven't committed yet however that doesn't give any of us a licence to sin.



I hope you feel better!

Trina - posted on 05/05/2010

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Hi Sally,
If what you did was harmful or a betrayal to someone else, I would encourage you to confess and come clean. Sometimes our conscience just needs to be cleared. We all make mistakes and fall short but I think you may be surprised at the capacity other people have for forgiveness. I am speaking from experience. Try not to beat yourself up over it- the important thing is that you realize what you did was wrong and you never want to repeat the mistake. Sometimes asking forgiveness is all it takes to forgive yourself. Also, everything that we do has a tendency to surface and it is much more easily forgivable if you confess it than if it surfaces some other way- hope this helps and good luck!

Cyndy - posted on 05/05/2010

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Sally, one of the coolest books for women that I've read in a long time is called Captivated, Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John & Stasi Eldredge. (Men's version is Wild at Heart.) BOTH incredible books.

People finally "get it" on their feminity and masculinity. "Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation." If you want your heart to be "rescued" read it.

Cyndy - posted on 05/05/2010

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There is a way where you can truly be free of this shame not necessarily the consequences, but the pain of it.

God is the only one who can heal and take away the guilt we all struggle with because of our mistakes and regrets. He really does it.

Jesus paid for all the guilt and for our healing when He died on the cross so we could actually be FREE of shame, guilt and punishment. It's the amazing exchange and I for one have received that.

When HE forgives you you will feel clean and right again. He's the only way. He loves us all so much and that is why His only Son was willing to die a shameful, hated death on a cross where only criminals died. Amazing love.

If we only KNEW how much God loves us....well, we can.

He says, IF we confess (admit) our sins, HE is faithful and just, and will forgive us AND cleanse us from not living right. Just one of 100s of promises God wants us to know.

God put eternity in our hearts. It's a fact. AND He's waiting to have relationships with us that are NOT dependent on what we've done or not done. That's religion.

He really wants to love on us. Just grab His love. It's free for the asking, Sally. You can't lose.

BUT hey, don't take MY word on it, grab a bible, an easy to read one, start reading the book of John and you'll get a feel for who Jesus is and just how much God loves YOU/us. He will change your life with His acceptance, love, kindness and forgiveness for this shameful act and all others. He wants to reveal to YOU just exactly who you are and were meant to be in the first place. After all, He Knit you in your mother's womb. And He doesn't make any junk. AND He totally understands where you're coming from right now......more than anyone else, or even yourself!

Cheryl - posted on 05/05/2010

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We are ALL sinners sweetie, read your Bible about forgivness, if God can forgive you , why shouldn't you forgive yourself. If you pray and repent your sins, and turely mean it, He will forgive you. But to be able to Beleive this, and Believe in God, is when you will get over it. Read Psalm 32:1,2-Psalm 51:1,2- Hebrews 8:12-Isaiah 43:25-Isaiah 55:7-Proverbs 28:13-1 John1:8,9- Psalm 103:2-5, it's OK God Bless You!

[deleted account]

Thanks ladies. I also believe in God but the situation is that I never want anyone (apart from the 2 people I shared this with) to ever know what I did. I think Im scared that because I have this secret I am being dishonest and therefore God must be disappointed with me. The truth is I can NEVER tell anyone. I dont want them to be disappointed in me as well. I dont want to embarass my mum, husband, family, church. Its a tough one. Lets just say it was a moral failing. I just cant believe Im in this sitauation. Every time I think I can move on I get terrified that someone will find out and I will embarass everyone that I love. :(

Suzanne - posted on 05/05/2010

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Sally, like many of the responses I've read here. I too had something weigh on me from the past. The guilty feeling is hard to let go, I believe in God so I knew that He had forgiven me and knew the reasons why I did what I did. We need to forgive ourselves and it takes time, buy you keep praying or working on it and eventually you do forgive yourself, you don't forget but you do forgive yourself. Best wishes.

Monika - posted on 05/05/2010

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I definitely get what you are feeling as that happened to me a couple of years ago. The best way I dealt with my "guilt" was to realize that I was not in my normal state of mind and very vulnerable, and because of that, my decision making wasn't ideal. You need to just move forward and look at what is here and now and actually forgive yourself :)

Shivani - posted on 05/05/2010

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There are more than one ways in which one could help themselves in such a situation,
1. Write down the incident as it is, do not judge yourself, do not give any explanations.... and how it makes you feel. Then light a fire and tear the the paper into pieces and burn it forever.
2. A particular form of meditation called Vipassana helps, in this you just observe the sensations and feelings that bother you every now and then and let them pass naturally, here again do not judge, blame, analyse or build stories in your mind when the feelings emerge, JUST WATCH THEM !!! Try it out :))
3. Incorporate some form of physical exercise and detoxify your mind and body by sweating it out
4. The most important thing, be kind to yourself and forgive yourself and heal the pain within with a gentle soothing touch of your own hand through your face, shoulders, treat yourself like a child and FORGIVE YOURSELF !!

Dora - posted on 05/04/2010

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Just remember we are only human and NOT perfect. If we were perfect we wouldn't have so much negativity in this world. My best advice for you is just to look at your future and concentrate on that. The past is the past and you should leave it there.

Marnie - posted on 05/04/2010

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you need to ask yourself...do you forgive others? do they deserve to be forgiven and you dont? of course not that doesnt make any sense. You need to ask god for forgivness and then let it go. You are only human, we all make mistakes......we just need to learn from our mistakes...there is a reason for everything....you will be okay:)

Kellie - posted on 05/04/2010

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I don't think that anyone can truly say that they have never done anything,that makes them feel ashamed or guilty.I really believe that what has happened,or choices that we have made in our lives,has steered us to be the person we are today.You probably will not get over it,but it is a lesson you will remember and learn from.People would not be individual and human if mistakes were not made.Please,try to forgive yourself ,even if you don't forget.Life is too short to dwell on past mistakes

[deleted account]

Yes, lots of things. But I have come to know that nothing is unforgivable.

I don't want to preach because I don't want to offend the OP if her belief system is different from my own, but I have learned for myself by studying the bible that nothing is unforgivable in the eyes of God.

I'm not trying to start drama so I don't want this thread to go off topic with people debating the issue. I'm just explaining how I personally learned to forgive myself for some of the shocking things I have done in the past and how I got over it, which is what the OP asked for.

Jenifer - posted on 05/04/2010

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one incident cannot define who you are now and today. Who you try and want to be are more accurate in painting a picture of who you are now and today. We all have shadows from the past some horrible some just bad, but we push on learning what we can from it. If your experience was very traumatic 2yrs is nothing in the spectrum of life. Give yourself some real time to heal. Talk to someone professional that you can trust. One thing or things from the past CANNOT define who you are now. I wish you peace and a free heart.

Tracy - posted on 05/04/2010

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If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action].
1 John 1: 9

[deleted account]

Sally,
There is one thing I am not reading that I find amazingly comforting. Jesus died on a cross 2000 years ago for everything that you did (and everything that I did). It was His love for you that put Him there and kept Him there! HE wants you to forgive yourself, but you cannot find true forgiveness until you have let Jesus Christ forgive you! Run into His arms, pour out your heart to Him, give Him your heart and let Him forgive you. Then and only then will you find TRUE forgiveness! I know because He's forgiven me for things that I have done. THEN, as hard as it is, you need to ask forgiveness if you have hurt someone during this process. Let Jesus in and watch the transformation begin! Good luck in your forgiveness journey!

April - posted on 05/04/2010

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Yes about 3 years ago I became pregnant again by my husband which we had just gotten back together. Well March I had a miscarriage, but in May he let us again. Yes sad that I had a miscarriage but excited that I wouldn't be single again with a third child, before this was only a year older

Phyllis - posted on 05/03/2010

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I think the very fact that you show remorse and have learned a lesson proves that you are still the good person you have always been. You just screwed up. We all do. Learning from it is the key to not repeating it and turning into a bad person for whom it becomes a regular thing without guilt.

[deleted account]

Thanks Jane. thats good advice. It wasnt something that I would go to jail for. But I guess back in bible days I would have been put to death. these days its kind of common but still inexcusable.
You are right. Time to move on. It was a MISTAKE. Not intentional to hurt anyone and I certainly have learnt my lesson!!

[deleted account]

And it's hard for us to comment further without knowing the situation - not that I'm saying you should divulge that info.....
There are points where we DO need to take responsibility for what we have done - acknowledge it - try where possible to make amends and repair damage done. But you know if you were found guilty in court, you would serve a sentence and then deemed 'free' or paid your penalty.
So how long is your sentence? When will you be 'free' to move on? Is 2yrs long enough?
This will always be part of your life - don't get me wrong - but how long do you beat yourself up over it? Or do you use this issue as a point of reference - a learning curve to make yourself a better person - to vow to never take that route again - to help others not to go down that route? What will it take to make peace with yourself? Or are you now destined to a life of guilt and condemnation never to be free?

[deleted account]

I really wish I could forget it. Just get over it. But its more than just feeling bad about something.

*Lisa* - posted on 05/02/2010

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I agree with Jane. I just replied to another of your posts and you seem really cut up about something. Remember that you are human. No one is perfect. I'm sure that even before this major thing happened in your life, you were still not perfect. Choose that today is the last day you will ever let this thing bring you down. Or write this thing down on a piece of paper, take it outside and burn it. It's over. Whatever happened, happened. Now you know never to let it happen again. The future is a blank page. Don't tarnish it with the regret from something 2 years ago! You will make more mistakes in the future. Learn to let them go. Learn from them. Good luck Sally. :)

[deleted account]

Sally that good person is still there - you can still be proud of all you have achieved till that point - it's fact and you can't change that.
OK, you have done something that you view as bad. Take responsibility for it. Acknowledge what you did. Make amends if you can. Is that possible?
but it seems as some point you have to say you made a terrible mistake, given the circumstances again, you would make a different choice. You have to make a choice not to tear yourself up with guilt, and choose from this point forward to make good choices.
You will still have times when you are plagued by guilt, but you can tell yourself you've worked through it and chosen not to dwell on it. Reject it. stop the thought patterns before they start.
Then start doing stuff that is gonna give you a sense of value and purpose.
Stop those thoughts before they start to take root.
This potentially could ruin your life - it's your choice as to whether you let it.

[deleted account]

Thanks everyone. There was a time in my life when I was proud of who I was and had absolutely nothing to hide. I was a good person. I feel like that innocence is shattered and I'm desperate to be able to be proud of myself again.

Firebird - posted on 05/02/2010

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Oh lots of things! lol Years and years ago. Some of them completely shattered me.... or rather, the person i used to be. I'm not sure I ever really did get over them, but that doesn't bother me because those mistakes ensure that I act more carefully now. I've come to terms with them, but I don't feel it's the same as 'getting over' them. Any mistake you learn from is one worth making, even if it doesn't seem that way now.

Rebecca - posted on 05/01/2010

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i guess it really depends on what it was.. i believe that there will always be something that we regret it just takes time for us to come to terms with it and deal with it and really thats just it u cant change the past so its something u have to live with its up to u how u do that

[deleted account]

Thanks heaps Andrea. It feels like nothing will ever be the same again. I used to like myself as a person and now I have lost all confidence. I hope this will change one day.

[deleted account]

You need to find a way to forgive yourself. Or even tell yourself that you aren't going to allow yourself to feel guilty anymore. There are many things that I have done that I wish I could take back or do over, but I have also found that these things have led me to where I am know and I love where I am. Mistakes make us stronger. There is no way to erase them but we can always learn from them. You will find a way to forgive yourself it may take some time. It took me almost 5 yrs. Good luck and I hope this helps even a lil bit

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