Asking an Advice of Healing Father Daughter Relationship

Shirley - posted on 07/09/2015 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 17. She is a good girl ( quiet, honest, friendly, good academic, artistic) but has very bad relationship with my husband. When she was little, my husband didn't has much patient and beat her a lot until she was 10. she has been treated strictly, and she must accept what he said. I believe there are some darkness inside her. Now my daughter thinks she grown and doesn't want to listen to him anymore. When ever my husband tells her or corrects her sometime, she cannot keep calm anymore and argues back; the consequence is that my husband flies into a rage, and ended up with a big fight. We whole family has been suffering a lot. I want to end up my marriage, and now we are having dissolution process because of my husband other issues of affairs. Even though my marriage end, but the father and daughter relationship was already damaged. Healing the relationship could be a long process. I wondered if anybody could give me advice.

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Jaaaamm - posted on 07/09/2015

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Hello Shirley,

I'm in the same shoes as you my is also 17.. We are an Asian decent so those punishments are definitely common. My daughter was also submitted to those acts like your daughter. Though she never brings it up, I know that because of that it was detrimental to my child development and how she acts and see's the world. She was grown up being physically abused because of the short temper, because of that that is all she knows.. It has resulted in her having a short temper like your husband, and instead of physical violence she expresses it verbally. I think you need to sit her down, be very calm, loving and understanding.. Don'y blame her for anything, though she sis make her angry, he shouldn't have done that. Talk to her about how she feels and ask her if she wants a relationship with her father. You can't just force a child to have a relationship with a person that they do not want to, it will only lose trust towards your relationship with her. All you can do now is support her, love her. Talk to your husband, ask him to be more calm, more loving. Unfortunately, it is hard for parents to break a bad habit, such as raging. My daughter tried to commit suicide when she 16, that is how my husband started opening his eyes and started changing.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/11/2015

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Start by asking for references from your family physician. He NEEDS to go to counseling. Your daughter should be in counseling as well, for the traumatic relationship she's had with him for the last 17 years. You are correct. This will affect her. She will most likely never have that 'perfect' relationship with her father because he persists in being an asshole.
Perhaps a start would be to separate on the condition that he participate in counseling.

Jaaaamm - posted on 07/09/2015

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Right after the suicide we had some family counselling.. If your husband isn't fluent in English, they have amazing translators. By speaking with a counselor, it allows your husband to be in your daughter shoes. they can give your husband tools to allow him to control his anger, not only that, but it will also help bring your family closer and heal wounds. My husband became calm, started asking her about her day, they were able to have conversations without any yelling. He needs to show her that he cares and that he wants a relationship with her.

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Shirley - posted on 07/11/2015

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I have been planning for a vocation to Disneyland, but now I am afraid to go.
I have talked to my friends about our family issue, and they said my husband should see a counselor or psychologist. My husband is very stubborn, and he doesn't believe he has problems. When even I brought up for asking for help, he always said "I don't want to spend the money to see the stupid counselor". Changing his behavior is not simple task. Some time I really want to let them go; but I know that father and daughter relationship will affect daughter's future life, will affect how she interacts with other men and might affect her own family. Convincing him to see a counselor is my following goal.
Is there any body can give me suggestion how to find a good counselor?

Raye - posted on 07/10/2015

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I last saw my dad when I was about 14. We are "friends" on FaceBook, but we never talk and I have no desire to mend our relationship or have any contact with him. When the father is a bad person, it's probably better for the daughter to live her own life without him, and she should try not to exhibit the same behaviors that she dislikes about him.

Erin - posted on 07/10/2015

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I'm so sorry to hear of what your family has been through. Would your husband be open to counseling?

- StillInTheProcess1644

Jenny - posted on 07/09/2015

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Maybe, having a time together what your daughter loves to do will make their relationship better. Try a little simple one..like going to movie, zoo?, sports events and so on. Also, make a rule not to cross boundary like rage or argue each other. Build up trust and then...communicate. Hope it works!

Shirley - posted on 07/09/2015

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Thank you for your advice. Could you please talk about more about how does your husband change his behavior?

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