Asking my 18 yr old to move out.

Steph - posted on 12/30/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )

4

0

2

So this is actually about my niece who turning 19 in 2 weeks. My husband has had custody of her and her sister for the past 4 yrs. Her biological father cane into her life about 4 yrs ago as well and just tried to buy her, gave her everything we couldn't, as we have 2 kids plus her sister we care for. Like phones, shoes, clothes and a car when she was 16 (which I thought she was too young for). Immediately she became rebellious, not coming home on time, not letting us know where she was going, sneaking out the house through the windows! When her dad took her car away because of a fight they had I let her use my car to go to prom. The next day my 11 yr old found a rciept from dennys that was from 4am which means that's how late she came home, then he found something else, a condom wrapper! I was furious but couldn't say anything because my husband always said he would handle it. We had already argued about her treating me like I was no one , she didn't want me to tell her anything because she says I have no authority over her and she continued to do as she pleased. She's mean to her younger sister, and rude to my kids at times but loves everyone else! So I just ignored her and she ignored me is been 6 months and she's still doing what she wants. She won't sit down and talk to me and I don't like feeling like this in my own house. I mean she always got good grades, and got accepted to a few universities but didn't go to any, she stayed home and goes to the local c.c. She has 2 jobs which is good but she doesn't help out at home, not financially but in any kind of way she doesn't lift a finger and that makes me so upset. Well now we have to move and downsize, I told my husband we can't afford to have her come with us unless she sits down and talks to me abs she starts paying rent but he says she can't afford it. I don't want to start a new chapter in life with her and her bad attitude but my husband is set on her moving with us. Am I a bad person for felling this way? I don't know what to do.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Ashley - posted on 12/30/2015

58

0

9

This is totally normal behavior of a "teen" at that age i was really self absorbed as well. She will grow out of it eventually. As far as the not helping you thing I suggest sitting down with her even if she does not want to and really ask her what is bothering her? I know it sounds weird because you are the one that is being affected by this but just like when our kids tell us no that they dont want to do something and we get upset and tell them to go to time out and they throw a tantrum instead, well this is similar. Maybe she wants you to go to her. Some people cant humble themselves enough to admit that they are wrong but maybe if you go up to her (even though God knows you dont want to) you will show her that you really are not a bad person and that you are at least trying to make a relationship work with her versus getting upset and throwing in the towel.

3 Comments

View replies by

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/30/2015

13,264

21

2015

Well, she's an adult, and if she's almost 19, she's been one for a bit.

If you and your husband did not set specific expectations, responsibilities, etc, when she became an adult living in your home, that's part of the problem.

As it stands, if hubs wants to have her move with you, a contract will be needed. Included in this contract should be both parties' rights & responsibilities, as well as expected monthly amounts for room & board.

For example, when my son turned 18, he presented us with a contract outlining what his financial responsibilities (room & board) should be, as well as what we could expect of him and vice versa. He used a generic form from his life skills class, and adapted that. He was very fair! He figured that we had 4 people in the house, and therefore his "rent" should be 1/4 of the household expenses and food. Since his dad and I hadn't discussed it, we looked the paper over, decided it looked good, and ran with it.

Mind you, this wasn't because we felt a contract was 'needed', per se, but...its good to help young adults learn to be responsible. How better than if their parents/mentors show them the way by allowing them to endure the expense of rent, etc.

Ashley - posted on 12/30/2015

58

0

9

ASk her why she does not want to help and you should sit and talk with your husband about your feelings. If he really believes that she should be with you, then you have to let him know that her actions are not setting a good example for her siblings and she is not only affecting you but your children as well because your children as witnessing all of this drama too. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms