Asperger''s Adult child

Nancy - posted on 02/16/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Not really sure how to start this but read a few entries. I just started putting peices together and think my gifted son who had so much to offer while living at home, has failed to launch. Looking to connect with other parents....

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Nancy - posted on 07/04/2016

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Brand new here, so pardon me while I learn the ropes. My very bright son also did the fail to launch thing but now at 30 is figuring it out. I did not think is was Asperger's....I had asked several pros when he was growing up, told a bit quirky, etc. These last 12 years were horrible for me! The not knowing....what to do, what i did wrong, what not to do.....Additionally, his younger sister had bipolar and anxiety disorder and also was doing poorly. I sacrificed a lot and as a single parent homeschooled each to the eighth grade, although we tried public and private just in case. They did well in alternative high school. I was glad for that, but totally unprepared for the mayhem that followed.
I am relieved that my son has come to terms with his disorder and has found work and community where he is able to use his talents and start to thrive. Yes! On the other hand, he has informed me that his sister actually is an Aspie too,,,,,which explains a lot of things.
He has been coaching me on how to better interact with his sister. Nice to have help and direction but also challenging as well.
I had barely adjusted to having one Aspie, had decided my ex and their father was too. Then the added bombshell!
Talk about mixed emotions! My daughter has the female version accompanied by other physical problems which we are just starting to recognize.
Until my son turned 18 and left home, we were a very close and cooperative little family unit. We had great stories, a bright-funny sense of humor and had a lot to look forward to. Then it all blew up. I think we may be in the re-building stage. Not sure, my daughter may have some rough years coming up as she comes to terms with her Dx and the added health problems that are surfacing.
I truly do not know any other parent going thru what I have been. I had thought my job as home school mom was extra hard......I had no idea!!!!! I had lived in a family of Aspergers.....three of them.....no wonder it was so hard being married and so relieving when he finally was out of the picture.
Can anyone out there relate? Thanks. And I apologize for rambling. It just all sort of came flooding on out.
Would love to hear from you if you had similar happen....Thx for taking the time to read this whole entry.

Raye - posted on 02/16/2016

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I'm not a parent of an Aspie, but my nephew was diagnosed with it. He's still young yet, and he's had a while to get used to knowing that about himself, so I'm hoping he can learn to cope with and overcome some of his disadvantages.

Nancy - posted on 02/16/2016

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Thanks Raye,
Getting a diagnosis will of course be important. There will be a lot to think about....I can see it could be a two edged sword. His father, my ex, has a lot of Aspie traits and BiPolar as well.

When we considered an Aspie dx at about age 12, it was ruled out because he was able to maintain eye contact and had a good sense of humor. He did however, have many traits I now see on the dx list.

He struggles with all relationships and has gone through a long list of friends. He has some terrific business ideas but can't get a business going. In the past he was able to work one on one and with computers. Now he seems to be enjoying partying and not taking responsibility for himself. He is engaged in some very risky behaviors now.

The bright, kind, gentle, creative son I raised disappeared after he moved out and went to college (didn't finish). I just recently heard from a relative who spent time with him and came away with the idea that he was dealing with Asperger's. That is why I am now looking into it again.

He might need help getting his life back on track. No idea how that might take place. As I said, just starting out....

As for rejecting me, he already has done that. With the help of a counselor, I set boundaries for him and he was not happy about them. That was about 2 years ago.

As far as my expectations: have a place to live, earn an income, interact with family and friends. Accomplish some of his business goals.

Are you the parent of an Aspie?

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Raye - posted on 02/16/2016

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I don't know what you mean by "failed to launch". He's moved out of the house, right? But is he not working on a career? Is he not in a stable relationship? What are you expecting from him that he's "failed" at?

Without a diagnosis from a doctor, there's no way to know that he is an Aspie. Many people exhibit certain behaviors that may cross into "symptoms" of Asperger's, or ADHD, or other disorders, but they actually are not afflicted with those disorders. So, the first step would be to talk to him about being properly evaluated. If he doesn't want to be tested, he's an adult and doesn't have to. If he's tested and he's "normal", what then? You may damage your son's self esteem by saying you think he's abnormal. If he's tested and it is Asperger's, what then? He'll probably be a bit confused, mad, etc., and you will have brought that on him. He may reject you, he may reject help.

You really have to think hard about this, and see if it's worth it to bring up your suspicions, of if you can just help him by being encouraging and positive toward him.

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