Assignment not turned in and why teens take the easy way out by doing the extra credit instead of the assignment they are given by the teacher?

Julia Parker - posted on 12/10/2013 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I need advice on my daughter who doesn't ask for help or doesn't think she'll get it and she won't turn in assignments. I have been having her go to homework club after school two days a week and I'm wondering what she's really doing now. I'm not good at math and I talked to her about working on all her assignments but she said she doesn't have enough time so why won't she do it at home. She is getting bad grades more often then before. I was given the advice to find out what is going on in class that would give me a idea because she is not telling me what is going on. I feel sad I can't trust my daughter to do her homework and her brothers always do theirs though she does have seven classes and she sees a councler about school. I lost my temper because I encounged her to turn it in and we found out she didn't and it's been three weeks over due and she hasn't done it. I should've been harder but i felt because she's teen she doesn't need to spacked she old enough know right. No I didn't spack her I did splap her I was upset. I trusted her all this time. I apolgized for hurting her but that we trusted her and want her to graduate from Jr. high do most seventh graders do this and will she ever listen and how do you do it as parents. I was always the one that I thought when I was single i would never slap my kids, spack my kids and I tried everything and what do i do then when they don't don't listen is i lose control over my anger because it's not just one thing now it's more then one now. Now what?

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Julia Parker - posted on 12/20/2013

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Sarnia I would say first off any woman who is taking care of kids and is single mother that is hard and I say to you that I'm so impressed by women such as you. Being a parent is not easy, My mom's mother husband died when my mom was fifteen leaving her brother and two sisters. My grandma had to go work she never married anyone else. There are many women who do wonderfully. I can say my mom remembers family backing them up my uncle Robert was wild after his dads death but he grew out of it. My brother David brought home a Maraguna plant and my parents didn't know for while. My parents mustn't been scared too and tried a lot of things. My brother didn't change easily it was through my mom's love and just watching out for him that helped him straighten out. Don't push because that will just make it worse. Maybe charter or private school is not for her. You can do school online now and graduate with honors. Just know when we yelled it only makes it worse or telling them what they shouldn't do. I have wonderful kids but they make mistakes and so do I. Apologize for yelling too. Admit you were wrong and if she doesn't listen have her sit down with a group of teens that have gone through drugs already themselves. Make her think. Right now she's cornered like cat ready to spring out lash out to protect herself. Give her space too to think. Your relationship with her can be fixed but will take time. Don't give up. How many times my parents never gave up and i did give up on David my brother who I should've had faith and he changed on his own when he was ready but had the backing of mother who loved him so much. I know you love your daughter and I will say prayer to god has helped me stay strong and having family or friends that support you helps, your not alone. Don't give up on her she needs more then ever.

Julia Parker - posted on 12/20/2013

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My daughter is turning in her assignments now and I have not made excuses as a parent but have talked to my daughter one on one and we have made a plan that she keeps doing homework and turning in her homework we will get her a new bike in the spring. The tracker sheet is assume it helps my daughter who has ADHD remember better then without. I'm firm but I also know you must do it in loving way. Thank you Shawnn for believing that I'm good parent some parents think they have it down but it's not easy and every child is different. I'm a step mom you know you try helping your kids know I'll never leave them and I would always love them. Savannah never had a relationship with her birth mother she tried because her mother was always jealous of Savannah because Savannah's a daddy's girl but she's growing up and she not the same now she has balanced and Daddy's sometimes need to reminded that their little girl is growing up and she's going to be 12 soon and needs to learn to be lady and cling so much and sit on laps but we hug her and kiss but we teach our kids the manners and when it's the right time and it's been hard and since I married her daddy her and are close but I have never had children yet and I'm doing really well considering I've taken care of them for for over a year now and I learn from the best my own mother. I just knew I was marry my Jesse and that god knew these kids that became my own would need me as much as i need them. I love my kids and protect them like I birth them. They struggle because of their past and Savannah has deal with her birth mother the most. I'm so proud of her she has changed into young woman she ought to be. I love my kids and they know by my words and actions that i love them. I am strict with rules and my kids know something about me I keep my promise always because that's who i am. I hope they will learn this then through their birth mother who has metal illness and she lies to them often and her kids are tired of lies.I only hope she will listen to her kids before her kids walk away and not look back and I will not force them to see her. They are old enough to make that choice. I'm so proud Savannah got her grades up better then before. Savannah is not perfect but she's doing her best and that's what matters. I talked to her teachers to be frank most of her teachers didn't know she needed help because she never asked. So to get that bike we will have contract for her so she will learn to ask her teachers for help. It's not easy and i meet her teachers they are their for her she just needs to ask for help and it's not easy for kids. She is doing well and hope her teacher likes her essay.

Sarina - posted on 12/13/2013

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I need advice, my daughter is 14 and she is now experimenting with smoking pot, wanting to hang out late and has become quite disrespectful at times. We've been through a lot lately financially with nee not working full time anymore and I try and tell her that we must work as a team. I have an older son but it's just her and I at home and I looked into putting her into one of those residential schools but they are so expensive and because she goes to a charter school bd of ed won't pay for her to go to a free one. Never went through this with my son so it's been difficult and I'm a single mom. Can someone help us out how do I get sponsorship for a good boarding school that has the facilities to help her? I've tried everything. Thx

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/11/2013

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Good job, Julia! You'll move forward from here. Savannah will appreciate the help

Julia Parker - posted on 12/11/2013

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My Daughter and I talked and I called her school and talked to her councilor and we are going to do a tracker sheet where Savannah shows me what her teachers mark off and what she's doing for homework. I think this will help me and her ,she does have ADHD and this will help her remember better. I'm glad Savannah and I have good mother and daughter relationship considering I never did mention i'm her step mom and her mom was never there and her mother has metal problems. We talk about it when she's ready she's at the point she doesn't want to see her mother only on holidays and birthdays. Now one of my boys in heading in that direction. My kids didn't do this in the beginning and their father didn't want his kids to hate him for not letting them see their birth mother so it was there choice to stop on their own. But I watched in agony at visitations that when she didn't socialize with her kids or talk to them but just stare and demand hugs and kisses instead of letting them come when they were ready. I did not think the hour with her was being used effectively with her kids always favoring Jaylan and ignoring the others. she does this because she gave up Jaylan first without her husbands approval to foster care because he bit her and i think she feels guilt about that mistake and Jaylan has problems because of it but he feels safe with me now and his daddy. she was always late showing up and then a few times she didn't show and we told her and she forgot and they are held every two weeks. At first the kids just forgiven but they are tired of being hurt and she is doing this not us but to her own kids. I talked to her about it and she ignores me.Savannah told me her mother had never kissed her and now she demands it and feels uncomfortable kissing her. I let my kids come to me when they are ready and that's why they allow me to kiss them freely. I kiss my kids morning and after school, nighttime and when they are timeout and then we talk about it. I kiss and hug them and when they are sick when I take care of them. My kids never had any unless it came from their daddy. I have seen my kids change and mold and Savannah has come so far. Not having mother present in nurturing and taking care of things with her kids while daddy was gone lead to many things that now our kids are displaying them at school. Jaylan and talked about it. He has a disability and he pretended to threaten his life in his class at school. I knew at that point when I asked him about it he did not understand what he was doing but had seen someone do it and we don't do that type of thing or watch shows much so he saw somewhere else and my husband told me their mother has threaten her life many times. Kids see everything even if it wasn't done on purpose. I did put the kids in therapy but they were holding back their feelings so we did it ourselves and waited until they are ready. My boys are doing good in school better then before. Jaylan understands, he's a smart kid even if he has disability he knows. I love my kids and I have had my days and know that talking to Savannah's counselor about Savannah improving her grades made me realize she was wrong not turn in her assignments on time but I was wrong to for not seeing when she did turn them in there was a change in her grade and she needs praising and that one assignment that was over due could not be counted anyways. All in past look for today improve by using the tracker sheet my sisters advice which will help me and her daddy and Savannah have better communication and develop this skill and many more that was We discussed on the phone with her councilor that this is the age where they must start now to practice these skills that will help her now develop in her life. After talking with Savannah's councilor her math teacher was informed and helped her in homework club. I will have to give something to that teacher for helping her yesterday. Savannah my daughter has questions i could not answer about math. I'm going to teacher conference today. Their will be much said and I'm going have to get the teachers blogs and e-mails to know about the rest of teachers assignments.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/10/2013

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Sorry, Julie, but I have to say that I'm reading your responses in much the same way Evelyn is. You seem to be making a whole lot of excuses why what you've done in the past has not worked.

We've given you the tools that you need to get this situation under control.

Start communicating with her teachers. Start communicating with her counselor at school (each school has 'em, they're generally assigned to a grade level once the kids are in middle & HS). Get an educational plan in place for your kid that you, the teachers, the counselor and the administration are all enforcing.

Ev - posted on 12/10/2013

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This is how I understand your posts are sounding. And no I am not perfect and never claimed to be. I have a child who has had a lot of difficulty in school and has overcome a lot over the years. He had to take failing grades on homework, tests, and other things because he did not understand it. I encouraged him to keep trying and he worked his heart out and he has finally gotten to the point he can get the work his teachers hand out and the lessons they teach. He had to work for the grades he got without much support from his dad and step mom. All he had was me, his sister, and his grandparents. He could have taken the easy way out and not done anything and took whatever grades he got. My daughter gave me the same issues as your daughter is now and I finally told her that she either needed to start to do the work our she would have to repeat the grade she was in. I was firm in that statement. In time she did turn around and made the better choices. My niece has never been made to do anything or be responsible for stuff and now she is paying for it with barely having graduated high school and expecting everyone to take care of her and do for her for her pleasure. And her mother, my sister realizes a lot too late and is also paying the price because she still allows my niece to go back and forth and pays for everything! My niece is an adult now. But as Shawnn has also said you have to push to get things done. You have to go to those teachers and ask what is going on. Maybe your daughter needs testing to make sure she does not have a learning delay or has a learning disability? There are other issues you could look into and the school can test her or suggest a testing center that specializes in those things. If she is not having those problems, then she is either being lazy or not made to do what she needs to do.

Julia Parker - posted on 12/10/2013

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excuse me I'm listening to what you said but i have already made the mistakes now i need to do them differently. How dare you insult me when i have done everything in my power to help my daughter and to say i don't step up . Now the reading logs help reading but kids have a lot of homework as it is and i still encourage her to do it even if we don't like how the school does it. Do you like everything the school does come on your not a perfect ether. I have been firm but it's not working and not everything works that's why i came on this site for ideas and and you are not the only one thank you.

Ev - posted on 12/10/2013

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It sounds like to me you are looking for ways out of this and those things in the past you tried and did not work are just that. You have not been firm enough and neither has dad. As for her reading logs--those are homework, what makes you think they are not homework? If it is assigned then she needs to do that and turn it in. It counts as a grade. In school they are making kids read either certain books or do the book logs as a way to keep them reading. As for not liking the English teacher, why not go speak to him and see what is up with that instead of taking her whole word on it that he is different than the other teachers....no teacher is the same as another. You are only getting one side to this mess that is going on. You need to step up. And what kind of statue does she have that you took...its not like she can play with it or text on it or play games with it...you need to take those kinds of things away. And your sister is right, being a friend fully is not the answer to the problem. I am beginning to give up on this as you do not seem to be listening to suggestions.

Julia Parker - posted on 12/10/2013

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Thank you my daughter doesn't have cell phone. I take something of hers like yesterday I took a statue she likes a lot and told her if she's wants it back she needs turn in her assignments. I have tried this before but I feel I have to tougher to get her listen but it doesn't always work she's so hard and I have asked he she tells me she's hates her English teacher and that she doesn't understand him and i told her the whys and it has something to do with he not being like the others. She has to turn in reading log to get a grade which this one thing both my husband and I feel that reading log is not important has her homework. But then she's hard on herself too. My sister said you can't be their friend you have to be the parent. I love my daughter so much. Her father and I have asked her about homework. I even tried reward until she thought it was dum and took hers down and she was upset after that. I have tried to make it fun for homework instead it turns boring to her. what next?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/10/2013

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You have the capability of contacting her instructors yourself. In this day and age, we all do. You need to be taking advantage of that capability, communicating with her instructors and both of you need to be on her for her assignments.

Unfortunately (and I do hate to bad mouth a teacher for any reason) as our kids hit middle and HS, their teachers, rather than trying to instill a sense of responsibility, will try to have as little interaction as they can with you or your kid. YOU have to push it. YOU have to hold the teachers accountable for holding the student accountable.

You can scream at her till you're blue in the face, but if her teachers don't care whether or not work is turned in, (and you watch, you'll think they're giving her an F, but she'll sail through...they'll say that they upped her grade because of her "effort" or some such BS...anything to not hold them accountable), she's not gonna turn it in.

Thus is the wonderful state of the US education system. We teach to "the test" because "no child should be left behind", thus leaving more kids falling thru the cracks than they did before.

Push your kid's teachers to hold her accountable. I know it can be hard, but you can do it!

Ev - posted on 12/10/2013

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You need to keep at it and take all her fun things away. You may need to sit her at the kitchen table and make her do it until its done. You have to do something...forgetting as an excuse is not going to cure this problem nor is your sliding back and letting your daughter do what she will. You have to address the problem now. When she gets into high school, if she has this bad habit like my niece did she will not graduate or will graduate with a very low average and have no hopes of a college education.

Julia Parker - posted on 12/10/2013

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Thank you for your post I saw a lot i don't do as her mother and a lot my husband talked to her about and i talked to her about already a lot you mentioned and now it's getting bad and her respond she gives is she forgot.

Wendy - posted on 12/10/2013

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My daughter was a straight A student and began doing exactly what you spoke about when she was in 9th grade. Turned out it was a boy she became enamored with that totally shifted her focus. Now she is a dropout after her father condoned home school and she never did her work. I trusted her too. I also have a 16 year old son who began to do the same thing two years ago, but since I had experience with trusting my kids too much and honestly, being a bit lazy with making them do things because I simply did not have the energy to argue with them. When my son began doing this: not turning in assignments, doing extra credit to make it up or simply not doing it at all; I sat him down and had a long talk/argument with him. I took away his x box, his cell phone, and tv. Things I should have done with my daughter, whom now is my main source of woe. I had tto push myself to speak to every teacher on a weekly basis and get his assignments. I made sure he sat at the kitchen table instead of his room until all work was done. Mind you this was for a long while met with much resistance. Gradually he regained my trust, and subsequently his possessions back. He is doing good now. I wish you the best of luck

Ev - posted on 12/10/2013

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First, you need to take a step back and take a breath when something occurs. You need to allow yourself time to calm down and begin to think rationally.

Second, you need to sit your daughter down and talk to her about the importance of getting homework done and turned in on time or at least late with the teacher's knowledge as to why its late. Also tell her that teachers are there not only to teach and give homework but also to help with problems in the lessons. Ask her why she feels she can not get the help. Ask her if she feels intimidated by the teacher in any way. Also set up an appointment with that teacher or all her teachers and find out what is going instead of going on her word alone. Find out what they say is going on when she is in the room and find out how the assignments and lessons are taught. Talk about specific things you think your daughter is not understanding and work something out there.

Third, once you have established what is going on you need to talk to your child yet again and explain that this is has to change and tell her what is changing and how it will be done. Tell her that she needs to work with her teachers and you to get her problems solved and that avoiding doing the homework is not going to get her anywhere in life (I know this as fact because my niece did this and she is now living off people and not getting a job because she FAILED TO DO HER HOMEWORK. My niece also nearly did not graduate from high school and got kicked out of a program that would have benefited her for going on to college.) Set up consequences if she does not follow through such as no going out with friends to movies etc, no extra activities after school, no TV, computer time only for school work, and so on. Make her earn back those things.

Fourth, you have to be consistent in all this. It will not fix itself and you can not depend on her to do all the work in this. You have to keep an eye on her all the time.

As for this being a phase kids go through, I am sure it is but it sounds like she has taken this beyond a phase or she is in real trouble with the lessons and can not understand them.

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