At my wits end!!! 26 yr old son has no motivation!!

Debbie - posted on 10/06/2013 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My 26 yr old son still living at home. I have set rules which are: find a full time job and pay us rent, or find a part time job and enroll in college. He also has a daughter, which he is not with her mother, and we the grandparents go to get her every other weekend which is 1 hour away. He got a DUI and does not have his license. If he pays $180 he can finish his classes and then he would have a chance to get his license back. So the part time jobs he's had since the DUI I have taken him to work. He has quit 2 jobs because he didn't like them. He just has no motivation. I ask him daily to put his applications in and follow up with a phone call, along with enrolling in school. He says he will, although he doesn't. He has told me that he has put apps in but no employer is calling. I don't believe he has put applications in at all. He also has no respect for me AT ALL! Cusses, yells. Please someone respond. I do not know what to do. I have kicked him out before and then feel bad and let him back in. He says he has no where to go with no money and cannot drive. Please help. He just left today again and is now begging me for $20 to eat on. I am trying to be strong and telling him that he has to grow up on his own and make his way in this world. I am not giving him the money.

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Queen Of My - posted on 10/07/2013

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I agree with everything that is being said here. Just a question? What kind of jobs is he applying for? My husband is a foreman at a welding company. They are not unionized and they pay out really good at the end of the year so all the guys really pull together and motivate eachother - each dollar the company earns is money in their pocket at the end of the year so if you are taking long smoke breaks and calling in sick all the guys get in you - which is a lot different than mom or you boss getting on you.
I am telling you this because so many of the guys he hires start out like your son and do a complete 180 within a year! I have literally watched 25 year old boys turn into men! Within a year they are finishing thier GEDs taking secondary school, being better dads... It's awesome! If he can get into a small trades company it might do wonders for him :)
If an employer is counting on him and he gets to see what he has built at the end of the day - it might motivate him to get off his ass more. I know the problem is getting him to want to work - but see if that is something he is interested in. Worth a shot?
Good luck! Keep your head up!

Jodi - posted on 10/06/2013

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Dove nailed it :) I agree, invite him over for dinner. But don't give him money. He needs to know your door is open within reason.

Dove - posted on 10/06/2013

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I'd probably let him know that he'd be welcome to come over for dinner if he is hungry... vs. giving him money for food. You do still want to have a relationship w/ him, but it needs to be based on mutual respect and love... not just what he can get out of you. Hang in there!

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Angela - posted on 10/08/2013

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Great post there from Queen Of My Castle - sounds like these young men learn not only how to keep their employers, co-workers and families happy - but also they find they're keeping THEMSELVES happy - by developing pride in their work and self-esteem in themselves.

Hope your son finds something like this - it could be the making of him!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/07/2013

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You're doing fine, Debbie, don't back down now.

He knows that you have in the past, and figures you will again, but as the others said, instead of giving him money for "food", invite him for one meal a day. If he wants to smoke, he can get that job to pay for his habit.

If he wants his license back badly enough, he'll figure out how to finish the DUI requirements. don't you be the one to give in this time.

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I have a cousin who is in his mid forties and is still acting like him. If you don't do something about it now chances are he will be like that for the rest of his life. He has been taking things for granted. Give him a deadline and really mean it. I am sure it is exremely hard when it is your child. That is one way to love him though by pushing him to be a man and not just a little boy.

Jodi - posted on 10/06/2013

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He is seriously asking for money for cigarettes? Um no......

You are doing well. Hang in there!!! Don't EVER feel guilty about it. You are doing what he needs you to do.

Debbie - posted on 10/06/2013

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I agree Jodi. He is texting me at this moment asking for $20 for food and cigarettes. I told him to come and eat. Which he has not done. I don't know where he will be staying, park bench etc. Tough love is very tough. But when I have a 26 yr old son that does not want to work, go to school, get his license, call his daughter, I give up. This has been going on way to long.

Debbie - posted on 10/06/2013

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Thank you for replying. He is out of the house at this moment. He packed his clothes and told me living on a park bench would be better than living at home. And does not want anything to do with us. He's texting me for $20 now for food. I am not giving in this time. He is an adult and needs to learn the world does not owe him anything. I still worry whether he's safe or not. It's hard, although I know I have to do this. Thanks.

Dove - posted on 10/06/2013

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Serve him an eviction notice and when his time is up... pack up his stuff, set it on the front porch, and change the locks. He'll figure it out. If he were being respectful and helping out around the house I would have a slightly different, kinder answer, but that is obviously not the case here... Tough love and stick w/ it.

Jodi - posted on 10/06/2013

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So why are you allowing him to live at home? Sounds to me like a little tough love is needed.

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