At my wits end with my 9 year old who has ADD and what looks like ODD! Any suggestions for ODD?

Kelly - posted on 01/06/2010 ( 47 moms have responded )

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Thought I could handle it since I have a 12 year old with ADHD but the defiancy is killing me. Argues about everything, fights about everything, tells me no on everything I tell him to do so I avoid the fights by not arguing but then feel like he's getting away with stuff. The disruptions to the whole house and the temper tantrums are unbearable and now my 3 year old is witnessing and acting out from it. Help!

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Jennifer - posted on 01/06/2010

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I have ADD and had terrible problems growing up. I am now a mother of twins, so I'm gonna get repaid two-fold! This is what worked for me: take away privileges and make it very clear that he can only get it back when he makes better choices and STICK TO IT! Secondly, make sure that you do lots fun and encouraging activities together as a family like bowling or game nights. I never responded well to harsh lectures and I was smart, so I saw right through my parents' weaknesses and got my way a lot. Things got a lot better for me when my parents behaved as a consistant team and kept me active in sports. Good luck to you!

Sharon - posted on 01/06/2010

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From this very short summary ...



I'm going to say - there is no consistent discipline.



You avoid fights by not arguing, then YES he gets away with "stuff".



There is NO FIGHT. He does what you say. PERIOD. Some things can be debated or discussed.



"clean your room" not a debate. "clean your room or don't come out" gives some wiggle room. Around here its "clean your room or no one comes over and you don't go anywhere."



Then you have to stick to it.



Some kids think that by whining and bein annoying they can force their parent to give in. A lot of parents do.



Your child won't die to be told NO! "I'm sorry. You didn't clean your room so you can't go to your friends house." There is fussing and whining and sometimes out right tears.



They can go to their messy room and cry. I don't wanna hear it. If they want to continue to try and punish ME for what they have done to themselves, I will begin to take things away. then they will have to sit in their messy, BORING room.



Yeah - your 3 yr old is witnessing this. They have it figured out that NOTHING is going to happen if they act out.



I am seeing ODD diagnoses to often. especially in this forum. I swear.



On a private forum with dozens of mothers, ONE has a child with a mental/behavioural disorder.



Here - granted there are 8 million members but out of the ones posting - how many are claiming their child has this rare disorder?



Its time to step back and be honest. maybe YOU are the one whose child actually has this.



or does your psychiatrist get a kick back from prescribing certain drugs?

[deleted account]

I have a 20 yr old son the same it doesnt get easier, speak to your doctor and i know its not easy i bet your at your wits end, try and find him a hobbie that he loves and takes his mind away from the stress dont forget they say they dont undertsand but they still no the difference between right and wrong and if all else fails give him the medication i never did but my son went through sleepless nights, wondering the streets getting into trouble with the law so i know you possible dont want him taking the tablets but i wish i did because maybe my sons life would be different now,

Carol - posted on 01/07/2010

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Life is very hard raising kids with add and adhd, have you been to a doctor and considered meds? I have a daughter who is now turning 30 she has adhd, we had lots of trials and tribulations with her, but we did survive, thanks to the help of meds, counseling, and support groups. Try not to give into those tantrums as they will continue to escalate in the future. Praise him for anything positive he does, no matter how small, don't dwell on the negative and behavioral patterns will change, if he gets attention from positive and no attention for negative the positive becomes more prominent in his behavior. For example positive can be really hard to find, my daughter at 3 took the scissors from the kitchen drawer and went into the living room, cutting 7 ft of my carpet, then put the scissors back in the drawer, after counting to 10, and thinking hard I thanked her for putting the scissors back where she got them from.
It is hard to find the positive, but she did use the scissors again, but for paper and said look mommy I put them back where I found them. Things were long and dragged out I am surprised that I have hair...... but don't give up you are not alone and they are smart kids and know they can wear you down, stand your ground you will be thankful later in his teen years. I really hope some of this has been helpful to you.

Nikki - posted on 01/06/2010

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Quoting Stephanie:

Hi! i would start by removing one toy at a time from the childs room. hide it somewhere like the car, basement.. tell them they will lose one toy for every outburst or tantrum. they dont get the items back until their behavior improves. :d hope this helps ya~



I agree you need to have concequences for all behaviours, positive and negative.  I am a pre school teacher and I have found over the years the best way to handle these trypes of situations is t have very strong boundaries, in saying this I understand it's much easier for a teacher as I dont have that emotional attachment and im not with them 24/7.



However I have done many behaviour plans for parents in your same situation and although it is a lot of work to begin with, the benefits really out weight the effort.



Firstly it is so important to praise positive behaviour, even when they are being really bad, try you hardest to find something little, anything that they have been doing right, and praise them for this, make a huge deal about it "well done, that's fantastic, im so proud of you, what a great job, that makes me so happy, great listening etc"  and offer some kind of reward, sticker charts work really well, maybe after 5 stickers give them a small reward then after 20 a bigger reward, then after 50 choose a special reward together, it doesnt have to be toys or lollies, it could be going to the movies, the zoo, any activity your child enjoys.



 



Now the hard part, the negatives, unless your child is at risk or putting others at risk or destroying property ignore the behaviour, remove yourself away from the situation to avoid reacting to it.  It can be really hard, but its amatter of training yourself to block out the noise and destruction.  Quite often as adults we have preconceptions about what negative behavours are, and a times these are just things that annoy us, not really hurt anyone.  It took me years to learn to ignore loud rowdy behaviour, and I still find it hard at times, but before I react to a situation I always ask myself are they hurting anyone/anything?   If its a situation which you cant ignore, simply say "I dont like it when you do this, I dont like it when you hurt...break....wake etc  and give them a concequence for the behaviour which applies right  at that time, take the playstation, tv etc off him for 2 hours and then try to completely ignore the whining about it.  It's important not to make the punishment to drawn out, kids really forget why they have been punished quite quickly and if its a huge long punishment your just dragging out the impact of that negative behaviour.  Also if they make a mess, or destroy something, make them clean it up, I have chdren who have refused for hours and I just refuse to let them participate in any activities until they help clean up their mess.  This requires alot of patience and I would not yell at him, I wuld just calmly put him in his room, and say "when your ready to clean up, then you can go and play"  if he gets out, put him back and simply say that again and again and again until he does it, on the inside you may want to scream after the fifth time, but try and keep your cool and only say the one sentence to him.  After he has helped clean up, thank him and let him know it makes you happy when he listens and does what he is told.



 



If during that 2 hours he does something really good, praise it, really make a bit dealof it and you could offer to redue the time of his previous punishment.



Eventually, it can take a few weeks, but they do begin to realise that they will get more attention if they are good.  Even with behaviour problems all children basically want attention and they will do anything to get it, its a matter of re programming therir behaviours to ensure they are getting it through positive behaviours.  Some people say that this wont work with a child who has behaviour problems however in 10 years I have treated all children in this way in my classroom and although the children with behaviour problems have at times taken quite a bit longer to get the hang of it, eventually I have seen fantastic results.



 



If you need any help with a particular situation, just send me an email and I could help you work out a specific behaviour plan for that situation.



 



Good luck

47 Comments

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Mandy - posted on 03/03/2014

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I came across this thread seeking help for MY stress from dealing with my ADHD child. The issue is the stress that dealing with this causes. You know how to deal with it, but the stress of the fight inside of you to keep calm, the fight inside of you not to give in, the fight inside of you not to explode when it is the 5th year you are getting up in the morning and the child is STILL not going to cooperate and you have to go through the ADHD two step again and again and again and again..get to work late again...if you are a single mom like me & the job is the only thing keeping a roof over your head & food on the table...well you do not have the luxury of patience all the time so it is really really stressful. I am having signs of heart attack now BUT at least I might be able to relax in a hospital is how I react to that!!! CRAZY, huh? All you can do is all you can do, so that is the stress free way I relax. Prayer and a hug. If I'm late...oh well my child and my health are #1.

Michele - posted on 01/12/2010

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I too am beside myself.....my ten year old son has ADD and is also on Vyvanse, which also helps in school (actually the teacher has told me he is definitely one of her better students), which I find hard to believe the way he acts at home. He has seen a child psycologist but she really didn't seem to help. My son seems to also have a lot a anxiety....worries about everything. His behavior at home is out of control. We've taken video games away, punished him from watching TV, but nothing seems to improve his behavior. I've also tried using charts.....telling him what he has to do each day, get up and get dressed, make bed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, set table for dinner, etc and he would get points for each tasked that he accomplished. I told him if he got a certain amount of points each month he would be rewarded. He was all for it and stuck to it for about two weeks. When I told him we still needed to follow the charts he basically said he could care less about the reward! He argues with me or my husband from the time he gets up until the time he goes to bed. Now I'm starting to wonder if he has ODD.

Debbie - posted on 01/11/2010

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I feel your pain! I have a nine year old with ADD. He is on Vyvanse which helps but yes it does wear off. First, be sure he takes his medications everyday, even on the weekends. He needs it to be able to focus on everyday tasks not just at school.
Second, try rewarding him for what he does right by assigning a points value to things such as cleaning his room, not arguing, good manners, good grades...ect. With the points he earns he can buy things like 30 minutes of TV time/video games/computer time, dessert after meals, play dates with friends...ect. In other words he earns points for responsibilities and can use those points to purchase privileges. It has really worked well with my son. Make your list of responsibilities, assign points values to them; then make the list of privileges and assign values to them. The thing is you MUST stick to the plan, mom and dad, and it does take time.

Carol - posted on 01/11/2010

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I have an older son and believe me I believe that from your acting out and argues about everything,, fights about everything ,, actually nick picks.. and he is much older than the rest of yours. I point it out to him trying to help him take a good look at himself. i set and read alot of you mothers replies and since my son is much older I just wanted you all to know your never alone. In fact my son has always been a impulse person. Does it and then questions it. When it is to late.. Thanks for letting me share. carol

Therasa - posted on 01/11/2010

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more information on what he is going through, and understanding may help one day at a time i feel for you and your family i have a son who is dislex and has a touch of ADHD i feel for my son because i know things are not easy for him. im guessing its the same for your boy too, make a big deal of the little things.

Sandy - posted on 01/11/2010

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I am 57 yr old who has a son with ADD and at first they thought he had autisim, but ADD is what he has. I agree u need to be direct on your words with the child. when my son acted up I asked him first why is he acting like this and I had to learn to listen to his answeres as ADD have trouble expressing what they are thinking. Usually it was frustration not getting out what they want say, and causes them to have tantrums. What worked for me with my son was I had to stay in a calm state when talking to him, and learning what triggered the outburst help in the plan to get him to behave. Also you said you had an ADHD child? is that child older? I have learned that children that have older siblings with mental disibilities tend to learn bad behavior and so it makes it more difficult and frustrating for the family. My prayers will be with you and there is hope as my son is now 25yrs old working and a family man. Don't give up on them with good values and they won't give up either.

Kelly - posted on 01/11/2010

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Your child's behavior is not a choice. I know it doesn't feel that way but he really wants to please you. my 9 year old has ADHD. I also have a 18month and 5 month. He is on meds for school and they help but don't seem to have as much impact at home. My son loves to beat the clock. We set a timer for everything from picking up his toys to getting dressed. Sometimes I just tell him I am watching the clock if my hands are full of babies. It doesn't matter if he really beats the clock just that he stayed on task. His only reward is a high five and a kind word. No bribery here. When he argues he stands in the corner this gives him time to calm himself (teach deep breathing) but always insist he finish what you asked him to do in the first place. I go to counseling with my son I need the help to and it show him that I am on his side. We work together, it's not just his problem. At first he will fight harder but if you can just muster the courage and strength to stand your ground no matter what he will realize you have set limits because you love him. My heart goes out to you.

Linda - posted on 01/11/2010

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I have a 14 year old who is ADHD and very defiant - never diagnosed as ODD but who knows... The things that helped the most when he was younger was behavior charts, punishment & rewards. And being very firm, but not arguing back with him. Yes, taking things away if not doing what he's suppose to. But it has to be the thing that is most important in his world at the time - not what you think should be important. Other things that are important is constantly reminding him what is acceptable and what is not. Avoiding fights will only make it worse, and yes it is letting him get away with it.

I understand, hang in there!!

Annette - posted on 01/10/2010

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Here are two things which have helped us a lot as long as we are consistent with them. 1) Give them a choice ie. "you can choose to continue arguing and have a time out or you can choose to stop. 2) a time out method where the point is them thinking about why they are there. In a non confrontational time, give them the two or three main problem you are going to work on. The rules of the time out are 1) when you are told to go you go. If you argue or fuss on the way there, you will have 5 minutes added at the end of the time out. 2) You will not tell them why they are being sent there. Let them know it is thier responsibility to figure out why they are there. At the end of the preset time out, You ask them why they are there. If they say "I don't know" or something to that effect, Then you tell them they have 5 more minutes to figure it out. If they can tell you why then you say something positve to reinforce their effort. Iff they had argued on the way there then you ask them if they remember what they did on the way there. Tell them they have 5 more minutes for the fussing. It will take a few days of you and your husband or partner or other caregiver if you have one being consistent to make it stick. I know this is tough! Just do your best not to engage with the arguing. Blessings to you for loving your kids. I have seen too many kids with these issues whose parents just give up. Take Care!

Steph - posted on 01/10/2010

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I have had experiences with this sort of thing with children not on medication. The best thing that I have found that works is consistency!! You may like to read the book called Love and Logic. It gives the child natural consequeces to the behaviors they have. Also finding things they like such as video games, computers, and using that as a consequence. Before doing that, I would sit down with your child and even if you have to write it and post it what you expect and what will happen if they do not do it.

[deleted account]

Kelly I feel you. I have an eleven year old with ADHD and she makes excuses for EVERYTHING. I could walk up and find her hand in the cookie jar, crumbs on her face and she immediately denies having done it. She simply refuses to take responsibility for her outrageously inconsiderate behavior, and it infuriates me and her two siblings are saddened by the strife. I am a big "discusser" but, as many of the other moms have stated below, getting to the point is the only thing that seems to work. I now speak to her in absolutes. When she whines and lashes out, I let her know that I'm adding a punishment every time she talks back. I even visually count every added chore/punishment with my hand held in front of her. I state that "you don't have to like it, but you do have to obey". I do all I can to remind her that she is in charge of how big her circumstances get. Seeing the punishment through is definately the hardest part of this approach. It takes so much of my time and energy to see through all those punishments but she will certainly blow me off if I don't stay on top of her. I absolutely take time to positiviely reenforce her good behavior with high-fives, snacks, returned toys, sleepovers etc.. She does have to earn freedoms that she loses occassionally but again, its' worth it. I love her too much to let her think the world will bend to her will if she wears people out. (and yes, I'm worn out)

Hope this is helpful and Glod bless you.
Raquel

Mehnaz - posted on 01/10/2010

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Dear Kelly, I am a Child Psychologist, your 9 year old is the middle child and usually it is the middle child who usually tends to feel neglected, even if you don't really neglect him/her. The behaviour is nothing but simply attention seeking behaviour...... i would advice you to ignore tempertantrums as once you start giving into them it will form a habit and he/she will learn that " oh ok, if i scream shot roll on the floor i get what i want, simply becoz it shuts me up" and you really don't want that for the present or the future. The best way to tackle it is to ignore it completely..... walk out of the room, go on with your work as if you cannot hear him, once he/she sees noone is listening he/she will have to shut up, thats when you can try and make wagers, put in reinforements like rewards for completing tasks and punishments for failing to do so......like for home work....... if you complete your homework in 2 hrs, you get 30 mins of extra play time, or extra pudding ( depends on what your child likes) similarly failing to do home work means 30 mins less of television time or play time no pudding.... (once again taking away something he/she likes). Follow this with all 3 children and i am sure their tempertantrums will reduce considerably.

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Quoting Kelly:

I am considering meds now. We have been seeing a therapist but that does not seem to help. The defiancy doesn't happen in school though obviously he does have the attention and focus issues. But Trisha you are right - the meds will help with the ADD for school but then meds wear off when at home which is where we need the help. What do you do? I've tried punishment and taking things away but it just disrupts the house even more.


Before you try the meds you could try to regulate it through diet.  My son has pretty severe ADHD and we regulate it through diet as the meds kept wearing off and the side effects were tearing his body apart.  The diet  for my son is no processed corn products and no red dye 40.  It is a hard diet to follow as corn is in almost everything, but well worth it.  He is like a completely different kid.  Those are pretty common culprits for ADHD symptons.  You can do an elimination diet to figure out what exactly your child is allergic to.

Rabecca - posted on 01/07/2010

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I honestly dont know if sharon Grey has any experiences with eaither ADHD or ODD but thats the problem you cant tell a parent who has a child they just to tell them to do and they do thats a huge part of the problems with ADHD and ODD they just dont do what you say you cant say go clean your room and walk away and they do it hello they have ADHD or ODD something is going to intrest them or distract them plus alot of these kids have anger issues, rage or a mass of other things that follow the ADHD and ODD .

My son was dx'd in 2005 it been a hard long road I have really come to the conclusion as well as his doctors that he does not have ODD eventhough yes hes pretty definant and disrepectful and can become very angry but all of those things seemed to be becaus eof the ADHD and fustration about being misunderstood and angry with himself and he defininatly has a ton of impluse control issues we have tried SEVERAL meds but finally just this year have seemed to find a med that actaully helps and he is doing about 90% better all the anger and defiance have really feel by the way side he's happy and still the sweet kid I always knew was there I could see but other never could .

It does take a very strong parent you have to never fail to follow through if you say next time we are leaving and he does it again you leave no other conversation thats itor you get out of that bed and no tv in the morning and they get no tv then they get no tv

if the med they are on is not working trey something else dont settle but you do have to train them to act right no matter how many times you tell them the samething one mor etime it may get through ie my son yells his head off from his bed every night to get him water every night I tell him please do not yell people are sleeping and everynight he does it I know one of thesedays will get it dont let little thing bother you to much and remember hes not doing it on purpose he has a condition that makes things hard and he is probably more fustrated that even we are keep at it you will make a difference .

AND you really cant listen to those who think you probably dont disapline your child they need to live one day ion the life as a parent of a child with ADHD then they might realize we disapline all day everyday most liekly alot more than parents do that have cjildren without these condtion its just ther ignorance talking when they say things like that

Cristy - posted on 01/07/2010

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my 9 year old step son is ADHD and OCD. We finally decided to break down and take him to get re-evaluated and they gave us the new vivanse medication to help with all the things that we were having trouble with and to tell you the truth it is so much easier to handle than the fighting and the mood swings that he was having. though he wasnt doing it at home as much as school, they tell me that there is a change with him and it is amazing. though morning routine is hard, it will be. as long as you show him that your not going to give in anymore he should (not overnight) start to ease up... hope this can help u...

Kelly - posted on 01/07/2010

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Well aside from getting some professional help because that will probably help the most I think the best things you can do is to be clear about your expectations and following through with everything you say. Do it calmly even though you may just want to scream out of frustration and build in some rewards and punishments for behaviors. Sometimes behaviors charts work and the most important thing is consistency. When he misbehaves there are consequences and when he does well there are built in rewards. Dr. Dobson has a great book for dealing with the Strong Willed Child. Whenever you address him do so in a normal voice explain and then when he goes to arue just ignore him or walk away. He know the rules and what happens if he follows them or not. You can also do the same for the younger one and he will see that he get rewarded for good behavior too. Whenever it is possible give them two choices that you are happy with....you can clean your room now and play for an hour after or you can clean it 1 hour from now and play right now. They always say to pick your battles...don't go after them for all the little stuff but what is very important to you. Even have a thing on his chart that address' arguing! Sometimes you can sit down with them and they have input on their rewards and you sign a contract.

Melanie - posted on 01/07/2010

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Excellent suggestion re: foods. Thru testing, I found that my son was allergic to artificial colors, sweetners and preservatives. The biggest problems arose when something contained BHA and BHT. Alot of candies have these ingredients, like Nerds, and Laffy Taffy. My son was very good about snacks like Cheese, crackers, pretzels, so on. He was on a combination of Ritalin and Wellbutrin until he was 15. At that point the doctor felt he needed some time to grow. And WOW, did he grow! He's 6'6" and doing just fine. BTW, my son had also been diagnosed with ODD. His pediatrician said that he was the most severe case of ADHD he'd ever seen in his 37 years of practicing. At one point my son was even hospitalized due to medication issues. He was being treated with Cylert (sp) as an alternative to the Ritalin. The drug did wonders, but attacked his liver and had to be taken off of it cold-turkey. Thus the hospital stay. Something else I'd like to mention, was that I had been advised to not administer Ritalin on the weekends or during school breaks, it would give his body a break. I found that giving him a glass of Mountain Dew (very high in caffeine) actually had a similar affect as the Ritalin. It helped us make it thru many days.

Christina - posted on 01/07/2010

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There's a book out there called, To Train up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl. If you get a chance to rent it from the library, do so. Otherwise, you can purchase it at Barnes and Noble for $5. It's very informative on how to deal with this kind of thing. And, I've had friends apply these principles with their children and saw a VAST improvement in no time! Also, you may want to watch your children's diet. Cut out all foods with red dye in them and all foods with high fructose corn syrup in them. You'd be amazed how food affects our body. : )

Ossie - posted on 01/07/2010

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Avoidance is definitely not the thing to do and I truly am against medicating them. I do suggest you watch his diet, take away white flour and sweets. Sometimes children with ADHD are affected by those types of things. Try it for a while and see if it helps.

Melanie - posted on 01/07/2010

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It's a very tough thing having a child with ADHD. My son was diagnosed at 6 years of age. I also had 2 foster sons with ADHD. There were times the household was so disrupted. I remember days when I'd sit and cry because I couldn't imagine what my sons future would be like. I received alot of help from his Psychologist who was so helpful. My son is not 25, a product man, works a very good job, purchased a home this summer, and was married to the most wonderful girl this fall. I'm truly a blessed mom! Hang in there, don't give up. I found that if I worked with my son, 1 on 1, with school work, chores, whatever....he was able to stayed focused so much better. It also gave us time to build a stronger bond, and enabled him to tell me what he was feeling.
GOOD LUCK!

Lisa - posted on 01/07/2010

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I have just finished a course called Webster Stratton, based on a book called 'The Incredible Years'. I highly recommend it x

Jenni - posted on 01/07/2010

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i dont know this for a fact, but ive heard caffine helps...especially if hes hyperactive and defient. (my friend says it has helped with his son, but i dont see them much so idk)

Jennifer - posted on 01/06/2010

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Try changing his diet or taking away some of favorite things until his behavior improves..

Tammy - posted on 01/06/2010

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we did not want 2 medicate, we went 3 years of crazyness, and one day i had it, and so did the childcare providers, he got kicked out of day care, and another provider, so my daughter had 2 watch him,finally we talked 2 the doctor, kindergarden was hard the teacher was verry helpful, this year not so understanding, was such a mess, but getting a little better, the stratera he over ran it it never did nothing for him, it was like nothig changed, so now we tryed concerta, 28mg first but it was 2 strong so now he takes 17mg witch is better it wears off by after school, a little ansie still, but i told the teacher that she needs 2 work with him it is not gona be perfect. so e will see, the dose was changed 1 moh ago

Ruth - posted on 01/06/2010

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i hav e a12 year old daughter with ADD/ODD. she was first diagnosed as ADD we did not medicate. i fought with medicating alot. but as she got older she started getting more aggressive and defiant and they diagnosed her with ODD at nine. we tried taking things away, whippings and everything else and nothing worked she just said she doesn't care and goes on about her business and in whipping her she just stands and looks at you with a smile very aggravating!!. We started medicating her at nine to not only forcus in school but for the ODD. She is on 90mgs of Straterra a day it not only helps her focus at school but it also helps with the defiancy at home she more agreeable, more tolerable and easier to get to do things and not agressive it has to be taken consistently because if she misses a couple of days she agressiveness is right back i hope that everything works out keep in touch i also have a son who is 25 who is locked up he also sufferes from ADHD so i am taking every precaution with her to hopefully keep her from going the same road

Tammy - posted on 01/06/2010

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coffee helps form about an hour or 2 but wears off at lunch so the teacher says

Carol - posted on 01/06/2010

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Quoting Sharon:

From this very short summary ...

I'm going to say - there is no consistent discipline.

You avoid fights by not arguing, then YES he gets away with "stuff".

There is NO FIGHT. He does what you say. PERIOD. Some things can be debated or discussed.

"clean your room" not a debate. "clean your room or don't come out" gives some wiggle room. Around here its "clean your room or no one comes over and you don't go anywhere."

Then you have to stick to it.

Some kids think that by whining and bein annoying they can force their parent to give in. A lot of parents do.

Your child won't die to be told NO! "I'm sorry. You didn't clean your room so you can't go to your friends house." There is fussing and whining and sometimes out right tears.

They can go to their messy room and cry. I don't wanna hear it. If they want to continue to try and punish ME for what they have done to themselves, I will begin to take things away. then they will have to sit in their messy, BORING room.

Yeah - your 3 yr old is witnessing this. They have it figured out that NOTHING is going to happen if they act out.

I am seeing ODD diagnoses to often. especially in this forum. I swear.

On a private forum with dozens of mothers, ONE has a child with a mental/behavioural disorder.

Here - granted there are 8 million members but out of the ones posting - how many are claiming their child has this rare disorder?

Its time to step back and be honest. maybe YOU are the one whose child actually has this.

or does your psychiatrist get a kick back from prescribing certain drugs?


Amen, Sharon!



I think you saved alot of parents some money on counseling sessions! I think there would be a lot of child psycologist and pharmacuticals out of business not to mention put an extreme dent in the prison system if parents would evaluate what they are doing. We seem to get more and more leanient to our parenting as the generations go. When my 16 yr. old was 3, we had to move in with my mother. My son was being extremely defiant and I was almost in tears and at my wits end after spending much time arguing with a 3 yr. old (that even sounds dumb!) My mother finally announced she had enough when she grabbed him, sat him on the couch( he knew she meant business with that look I remember all too well!) Then hollered in that "mom voice"! You will do as you are told! Whew! What a lesson! I realized that I was giving my 3 yr. old way to much control and power! Life was changed from then on. Thanks Mom!



We have now added twins. They are 10 and complete opposites! One of them suffers with ADD and for school purposes, last year after much consideration, I did put him on Daytrona 10mg patch, to aid him in his attention during school. He is an incredible child whose smile would light up a room though his mind would wander and would forget things thus creating dicipline and bad grades. With twins I can see how the same rules and boundaries apply one may need a little more help. With the patch I can control. He takes it off before he gets home to help him bring his appetite back to normal and also helps him with his restlessness @ bedtime. 10 mg is the lowest dose, We just needed to help him take the edge off.. not put him over the edge!  He does not apply the patch during long breaks from school because I just love his curriosity, and his chatter box personality, though his brothers may argue this point. You have to apply the patch with a warm hand on the cheek of his butt and I would tell him, "How aweome is that! How many mom's get a 2 min. hug in the mornings!".



I am a very lucky and blessed mom! 3 children all with different personalities but the same rules and boundaries! I say what I mean and mean what I say. And Yes, I am sometimes mean but always loving! My kids have accused me of being the strictest parent in the world. An award I am proud of! Parenting is not for whimps and I don't bow down to...well so and so's mom let's them. Give them what they need sprinkled with what they want. What they need is a parent they already have plenty of friends! Stand firm! You will all be better for it in the long run!



Happy parenting. I'll be praying for you!



Please weigh your options before deciding to medicate and research! I have also changed his diet. NO sugar cereals. Pop and candy only as an occasional treat. Proteins for breakfast like peanutbutter, eggs, or mini breakfast sandwiches. Sugars and chocolate although he loves, he knows it makes him way to hyper!

Tammy - posted on 01/06/2010

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i have a 7 year old with adhd and its been a strugle, we medicated him last year for school , but th doctor we had said we would take him off for the summer and we had to stay on him constantly, with exception when we were on fun time the doctor we had was pretty good, he moved.so when school started we thought we had a good summer we would try, give him the benifit of the dought, but it never worked, he was sneeking in and out of class and going here , he would sneek and see a cousler in the school that realy messed with him she said it was ok for him to go see her any time. well with that he thought he could just head out, so the teacher was getting on him.principal and they blamed us at home, so we went 2 a nother doctor and she medicated us we had a high dose and now we have a low time release, it wears off after school, if he is on good behavior that day he gets rewards and if he's border line no games, but maybe like popcorn, or apple or small treat if realy bad day receives nothing,he has to earn privlages every day,we take him one day at a time and yes we have a good day and maybe the next 4 bad theres days i have a hard time. i usually give my self a time out, and the dad deals with him,sometimes we take turns it kinda helps. so good luck you are not alone.

Alicia - posted on 01/06/2010

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I know what your going through. My son is almost 5 and has add/adhd, bipolar AND odd... It's SO hard to manage but i take it day by day. whatever you do DO NOT GIVE IN! I am at that point where i would rather avoid the fighting and stress so i give in and well, it is so much worse now. my son is on two medicine and they help but definantly DONT fix it. Stick to your guns with the rules. That is number one! and start taking away things like toys or games or friends. He will get the hint eventually. I know it's hard at the moment but like i said, giving in is the WORST thing you can do!!! if you ever need advice please don't hesitate to ask.. I have been going through this for a long long time and i not only have to deal with one problem but 4... And to top it off, i have three other children to take care of besides him so imagine my stress and anxiety!! Hope this helps

Sharon - posted on 01/06/2010

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Kelly, it is NOT easy.

Not only do I have to battle my own easy going nature but I have to battle my husband who wants to be their friend, rather than their father.

Its a HUGE clue that the defiancy does not happen at school.

Despite what gets said about me, I only know about all of this because I've been through most of it myself. Or from hanging out on forums like these for 12 years and reading it all.

I SWEAR 10 years ago - I was not reading about ODD diagnosis. ADD/ADHD was sort of just getting its kick off and so were the drugs.

My oldest was diagnosed with add/adhd and I fought that diagnosis tooth & nail and we fought through his younger years and now he seems to have mostly outgrown it. His father on the other hand is still very much caught in adult ADD.

Kathryn - posted on 01/06/2010

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One of our boys has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. It has been a huge challenge since he started school (he is 7 now) We have been in and out of the principals office many times as there has been many violent and dangerous tantums at school. After getting him to see an education and chil psychologist, we have come up with a stratergy that works for him.

Everything is a privilage that must be earnt. He does not get anything from the moment he wakes up in the morning unless he has done the morning routine of having breakfast, getting dressed, brushing teeth & hair, bed made, PJ's on bed and room cleaned. Then he may watch TV or play with toys until given the next task.

Our day consists of him having to do a task and then getting a privilage reward over and over again. If he does not comply he goes to the corner for 7 minutes and gets another try at the task, if he still does not comply I take a toy away and he goes to the corner for 7 minutes. This goes on until he finishes the task or he gets sent to bed early.



Also, all of this must be done with no emotion from you. ODD kids are looking for the reaction, thats what gives them the satisfaction so take away the emotion when you are dealing with their tantrums but also make sure that when they do the right thing that you over compensate with praise. This teaches them the behaviours that you want to see and the behaviours that you dont.

Any medications that you think about only apply to the ADHD. there is nothing you can do about the ODD except adjust your parenting.

Our son is on Concerta which is a 12 hour slow release of ritalin, this helps with the concentration and enables him to think, giving him the ability to make the right choices.

Jennifer - posted on 01/06/2010

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Kelly, I forgot to say that his ADD meds might be the cause for the attitude at home. I know that my ADD meds made me horrific to be around when they wore off. They made me depressed, anxious, and angry when they were wearing off. I was a dream at school on meds, but at home? FORGET IT! The best years of my life were medication free, even at the expense of my grades. Please look into this.

Brittany - posted on 01/06/2010

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Have you tried therapy and some sort of medication? And has he been diagnosed correctly? If he is on medication, is he on the CORRECT medication? Here's why I ask. When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with ADHD, but wasn't hyper really, just a normal kid, (in foster care they pretty much want zombies) I was on ritalin AND buspar, which apparently is for senior citizens when need to be more alert or something. Either way I was mis diagnosed AND mis medicated and it screwed me up a bit. My parents were really awesome and got several different opinions. If you want seasoned vets in the disruptive kid department, talk to my parents, lol

Jaclyn - posted on 01/06/2010

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Oh! I personally have tried punishments but in the end it is not their fault they are feeling this way and can't sit still or focus gotta keep that in mind. Limits and boundaries are good. Never give more than one task at a time to do cause they won't remember and you may find them staring off into space or doing something else cause it was to much. Praise them for the task that was completed and then tell them there is something else they need to do for you and it keeps them occupied and it makes them feel like they are helping you out a bunch and feel wanted and needed. Just some things to think about.

Kelly - posted on 01/06/2010

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Thanks to everyone who has commented and given suggestions. Sharon, thank you for your honesty. I do have to make changes to myself and how I handle him because a lot of is exactly what you said that he knows I won't follow thru to avoid a fight. But I'm definitely struggling with how to start or to keep it going but I'm not giving up!

Jaclyn - posted on 01/06/2010

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I have a 9yr. old with adhd which is about the same. I have a time released med which is medadate. It works well thru the day and ends around 8 at night. Not saying it will last that long on any other child. Around that time is shower and night time. I give him a warm bath or shower his choice and then I let him sit in his room and watch t.v. for one show. Boundaries and consistency is a must, I have him read to me and I sing him a song. He is behind in school and that will probably never change. Focus issues are still present even with medication, It can be frustrating to hear it from teachers that your kid is not on level or cant sit still but it is a medical problem and its not like your not treating it. Therapy did not help my son either just consistency and the same routine helps.

Kelly - posted on 01/06/2010

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I am considering meds now. We have been seeing a therapist but that does not seem to help. The defiancy doesn't happen in school though obviously he does have the attention and focus issues. But Trisha you are right - the meds will help with the ADD for school but then meds wear off when at home which is where we need the help. What do you do? I've tried punishment and taking things away but it just disrupts the house even more.

Kelly - posted on 01/06/2010

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Getting in trouble with the law down the road is exactly what I'm worried about. That's why I'm trying to do something about it now. It is very frustrating.

Trisha - posted on 01/06/2010

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I know how you feel. My son is 8 and has both. He's on Vyvanse 30mg (mainly for just school to help him concentrate...teacher says it DOES help). But what to do at home, especially when he knows what buttons to push and when the medicine wears off...is still a daily struggle sometimes. My daughter just turned 2 and loves to mock her older brother...ugh. Mainly with him, it's taking away privileges (computer time, Nintendo DS, stuff he likes to do).

User - posted on 01/06/2010

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Hi! i would start by removing one toy at a time from the childs room. hide it somewhere like the car, basement.. tell them they will lose one toy for every outburst or tantrum. they dont get the items back until their behavior improves. :d hope this helps ya~

Jennifer - posted on 01/06/2010

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I am in the exact same situation, my 13 year old has ADHD and ODD...he never listens and argues all the time..he is now in trouble with the law...what do we do???

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