Attending the same church after Divorce

Briana - posted on 09/27/2015 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Hi Moms,

I have recently filed for divorce and stop going to the church that me and my Ex attended together. Today i went after about 5 months, and it felt a bit awkward at first and then no one ask me about him, and embraced me and my children after all this time. I am kinda on the fence if i should attend and go back to being a full member, due to the nature of our divorce and the Pastor and First Lady being Close with both of us.

Any advice?

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Ev - posted on 09/29/2015

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Briana--I can totally understand your situation. I reached out to the church like I said and the assistant pastor was helping me. But no one else not even the main pastor or his wife or the other co-pastors or members of the church bothered to try to check on us for the benefit of that alone. And when I wanted to get in touch with the assistant pastor I came to find out that he was gone soon after I had left and went back to my home church from when I was a kid. If your church pastor knew that your ex had been doing wrong things with your child, I am surprised they did not offer more in the way of resources to you at the least if they did not want to become involved but I do think it is their duty to their parishioners to be there for them no matter what is going on to be an ear to your troubles at the least even if your ex had reached out as well. Because I do know that in the Catholic denomination the words spoken to a priest are held in trust and not to be repeated to anyone else unless you say its okay to do so. I would be hesitant to return to a church that did not check on me at least. And though what my mom went through at her church when she lost her sight was the same thing....it was n ot the same reasons. She was going blind with cateracts. At first everyone worried and then stopped even greeting her and my dad when they showed for services. The ladies group stopped reaching to her. Eventually her best friend did the same. It was about three years or more after she got her surgery done that she went back and then people but more in particular her best friend that started to mend things. So I went back too. A pastor, elders or other officers, and the special groups in a church are supposed to care for their other members and that includes those going through a divorce and child custody no matter what the situation is. And they should have reached back and held your hand so to speak.

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Briana - posted on 10/06/2015

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Update Moms: So i didnt go to that church this past Sunday and Ive been in a really good space the past couple of days. I then find out that my friend inside and outside of Church became friends with my ex husband on Social media. The whole time we were married they were not friends, and she is posting to him to keep his head up and God will see him thru. I was going to say something but i didnt, due to i dont need the drama or the Christian Mess that they are stirring up... I will not be attending that Church anymore.

Dove - posted on 09/28/2015

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Yeah... wow. That the church did not reach out to you and your son and offer to counsel or help find counsel when they knew the situation... I can understand your hesitation now. That would really bother me as well.

Briana - posted on 09/28/2015

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Hi Sarah,

I do think exactly that i think he reached out as well, and now that i am in a better place, I will not hold animosity toward anyone who didnt want to get in the middle but at the same time i looked at it like, ok still check on my son. A call text email something, well ill go again next week and see how i feel.

Sarah - posted on 09/28/2015

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Since they were both you and your ex husbands spiritual leaders, is it possible that your ex reached out to them for guidance as well? Maybe they felt like they could not take sides and decided to remain neutral. What our husband did is terrible, but not beyond the forgiveness of God. I am glad you were welcomed back and I hope that you get the healing you both need.

Briana - posted on 09/28/2015

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Thank you so much, My soon to be ex husband molested my son and when i first found out and made the report i reached out to my pastor and first lady and my pastor never contacted me but the first lady did and she basically said they are going to pray for Truth and then never checked on my son to see how he was doing so that's where the judgement is coming from. But on Sunday she came up to us and gave us a hug and said how i looked beautiful and hi to the kids, like nothing never happen lol. So i guess they let us handle it on our own.

Ev - posted on 09/28/2015

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When my ex husband and I were going through separating and divorce we were attending a large church. I had gone there to see the assistant pastor because of the whole deal. But in the next few weeks we eventually returned to my home church (me and the kids) because it was there that my real church family was. He attended for a while at the larger church.

Lisa - posted on 09/28/2015

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Church is a safe place for grace, love and support. It is a bunch of broken people, meeting together seeking grace from each other and Christ. I am sorry for your struggles mama, be open, authentic and allow people to help you when you need it. If you don't feel safe than maybe you can find a new church. But don't make assumptions that people are judging you for your past. Hugs!

Raye - posted on 09/28/2015

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You should not feel ashamed about the divorce. If you want to attend that church, then nothing should stop you. If they welcome you (as they should), then accept their good intentions and stop beating yourself up for what has happened and is in the past. If your ex begins attending or the congregation makes you feel uneasy, then it's not going to be the healing environment you need and you should look elsewhere.

Dove - posted on 09/28/2015

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If they are your church family and they love and support you... why wouldn't you continue to go?

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