Baby #2?....Why not?

Ashley - posted on 02/23/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )




Ok, so I have 1 child, hes going to be 2 in April. But, I want to have another baby so bad right now. I used to be able to go to friends houses and cuddle and play with their newborns and get what I call my "baby fix". But, in the past two or three months it hasn't helped at all. Now when I see women who are pregnant, or have a newborn, instead of my usual reaction of awee look at the baby. So cute. I get jealous and upset and want to cry. I am constantly thinking about having a baby. It's depressing. BUT, I have a huge issue..... My fiance doesn't want to have another one for a LONG time. I have been on Implanon since May of 2010. For those of you who don't know what that is, its a 3 year birth control that is implanted in your arm. Well, he wants to wait till its up, but thats over 2 years. I really don't think I can wait that long to have another baby. And personally I don't WANT to wait that long. Plus I want my kids to be closer in age. Not almost 5 years apart. If it were 100% up to me, I would go to the OBG tomorrow and get it taken out, and immediately start trying for another baby. I know I'm ready for another baby. But, he says he's not. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do here. Do I wait till he's ready and be miserable for 2+ years? Or do I do what I want and risk the chance of him getting really upset with me for getting it taken out? I need advice ASAP! :(((


Isobel - posted on 02/23/2011




Are you ready to be a SINGLE mother of two? no? That's why you should respect his opinion.

Louise - posted on 02/24/2011




I really think you both need to sit down and discuss this. Why does your partner want to wait is it financial reasons or does he just feel he can not cope? You really do need to talk this one out and listen to each other as this could break you apart if you both resent what the other one wants. I understand what you are saying and I know hormones do kick in to say now is the right time. Try and explain to your partner that if you had children closer together then they would be at school together and you would be able to go back to work sooner to help with the financial burden. Men respond well to facts and data! Try not to come across as the irrational female, let him open his heart to you and then you can address each point with a reason why you should have another baby now. Good luck this is going to be a heart felt conversation but one that needs to be said.

Katherine - posted on 02/23/2011




You definitely don't take it out and risk getting pregnant and "tricking" him. You DO need to tell him how very important this is for you though.
I don't know how old you are but seriously there is no rush. Having a 3yo and a newborn is A LOT of work. Having 2 kids is A LOT of work. I have a 2yo and a 5yo and it's the perfect age gap. I was 30 when I had my first.
This is something you need to talk about in depth, for a long time and weigh the pros and cons.
It's really hard when one person is ready and the other isn't.

Victoria - posted on 02/24/2011




I think you should have it be an ongoing discussion. Not one of those I'm going to nag you until we hate each other" discussions, but a "Hey, I feel really strongly about this so it should be an open topic".

Don't bring it up more than once every 10-15 weeks. This isn't a negotiation. You don't want to annoy him with it. Let him know that you still feel strongly about having a second baby. And ask him for a supported argument on his side (but do it in a non confrontational way).

Remember he wants to be with you and you don't want to turn him away from you. I know it's hard to resist that urge.

Luckily for me when I was at the point where I felt like I was ready (physically and mentally) for a second child, my husband told me "You can do whatever. Just let me know". My kids will be just under 2 years apart.

However, it is NEVER easy to have one child, let alone more. There is no magical age spread that is perfect for having another child. And some kids just hate each other. Some kids ADORE each other. Most kids just tolerate each other because Mom said they should.

Good Luck. Remember that you don't want to alienate the person who you want to have children with.

Heather - posted on 02/23/2011




Ok so Im coming from the aspect of not having a stable loving Fiance. I was engaged and broken up with while pregnant, and support my child (very well) on my own.

I WANTED my children no more then 3 years apart! Period!! lol forever, and I went through what you did too. But as I deal with the terrible twos (mine isnt 2 till April 8th technically) and realize how much I treasure the way he is growing, how much I am able to teach him, and how much he gets "ignored" during a phone call, let alone if I had another baby to tend to. He loves other baby's but hates when I hold them. And besides wanting my life more stable, I have also realized 4-5 years apart wouldnt be bad, Lenix would be in kindergarten and at an age/learning level where instead of feeling like his sibling is stealing attention, he can "help" He will also be potty trained (so not having two in diapers or rushing potty training)

Instead of focusing on missing the newborn phase of another baby how about focusing on your toddler learning soooo many new things daily! Embrace it! Dance with him, teach him an instrument! Teach him independance too! So when you are BOTH ready for baby #2 your first wont feel "neglected" this doesnt happen with every child but IS a RISK with close ages. Also, dont you think that once you can potty train your toddler, and teach him manners, and get past the hellion part of terrible 2s (or reduce how bad they are by providing him extra attention) Your Fiance MIGHT be more willing to consider having another? So by this time next year you may be getting the implanon out? even 6 months from now if you have a fast learner for a child?


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Ashley - posted on 03/01/2011




I have 2 children 6 and 8 and about a year ago I started feeling like you did. My husband has always wanted a 3rd but after our 2nd I was not interested it took me 4 years to come around and begin to be ok with the ide of # then I realized what a joy the 2 that I had are and really started concentrating on them and all their great qualities I had just decided that I wanted to wait for #3 and of course I end up pregnant and am having a really hard time accepting the fact that I am going to be a mom of 3!!! So I say take your time the feeling will pass and make sure you don't miss the excelent moments you can share with the child you have.

Kelly - posted on 03/01/2011




i would try and give yourself 6mths at least and if u still strongly want another then let your husband no that, cos keep in mind as bad as u want one they are alot of work and your lil one is only 1 at least 6mths plus 9mth of preg by then he will be 2 - 2 1/2 which is alot easier to manage with a baby around, i have a 3 yr old and 4mth and the gap is nice my 3yr is toilet trained and dressing himself and over naps etc by time bub arrived which helped alot cos i just had one new baby and my lil man to help me out when i needed it (getting things for mummy, hold bottle for bro etc)

Tinker1987 - posted on 02/25/2011




I would talk to your hubby.maybe he can compromise on the time frame. even if you get that implantation out,you can still have safe sex,by going on a regular pill or condoms ect. but i have a older brother 7 yrs older and we werent close at all, it wasnt as stressful on my mom being her oldest was more independant when i was born but i didnt feel close to my brother until we were more adults,we had more in common. Also a marriage is a 2 way street,you shouldnt have to feel unhappy waiting for your hubby to get on board witha baby.

Belinda - posted on 02/24/2011




i have an 8yr old and a 10mth old and the gap is great as i had time to devote to my son and now i have time to devote to my daughter as my son is old enough to understand , i would express the desire to your husband why you want another child now and that you don't want to wait , what is his reason for waiting?

Stifler's - posted on 02/24/2011




If he's not ready then you shouldn't do it. He might be a) mad b) unsupportive c) resent having 2 kids. You should definitely tell him how important this is and discuss the reasons why he doesn't want another one yet and why you do.

Bonnie - posted on 02/24/2011




It you were to go ahead and have the Implanon removed without him knowing and you get pregnant, he may be okay with it in the end on the outside, but deep down he may regret the baby. You don't want that.

I know it's tough when he feels one way and you feel another. Maybe just keep talking to him and let him in on the positives of trying for another this year. I am trying to do the same.

Alison - posted on 02/24/2011




Relationships are a partnership and you get get around the compromise. My husband REALLY wants a 3rd child and I am completely opposed to a 3rd. After our 2nd was born we agreed to shelf the discussion until our youngest turns 3 (coming ups soon). We both feel very strongly and it is a tough situation, but it is important to really respect how he feels and his feelings are just as important as yours.

One friend of mine (on another issue) advised that we try to weigh out who would suffer more in the different scenarios (in other words, would it be harder for him to deal with a second child than it is for you to wait?). This involves figuring out why he wants to wait.

My advice in helping you tough it out is to try to open your mind to all the advantages of spacing your children out. Mine are less than two years apart and I often think it could have been great to wait longer. I see my friends who have gaps of 3-7 years and no age difference is bad. The major advantage of waiting for your second is that you can give more attention to your first, then you can give more attention to the second as well, since your first will be more autonomous.

I always find it helpful to remember that it is natural to have the "urge" to have another baby, because that is the way we are wired. However, that does not mean that having a baby is a good idea.

I really hope the two of you can come to an agreement.

Ashley - posted on 02/24/2011




Thank you everyone. I know I need to respect his decision to wait. I definitely don't want to trick him into having another one. He says he thinks its too soon after having our son and that things would be easier if we wait till our son was older. I am going to try to compromise with him and say maybe a year instead of 2-3 years. I just don't know what I should to to not feel so.... incomplete. Of all you women who know what I'm going through what did you do to, I don't know, get over it. Or make it to were it wasn't so bad.

April - posted on 02/23/2011




I agree with Katherine.

When i gave birth to my daughter, my husband and i agreed not to have another child until later on. But when my daughter was 11 months, i got pregnant again (i didn't want to get pregnant it just happened), my husband was NOT happy. He made my pregnancy with our son hell on earth for me. It was so hard. When i finally gave birth, he finally came to his senses and apologized but we were lucky that we got through it.

My daughter and son are 20 months apart and at times its very hard. My husband and i have decided to stop having kids. Please don't trick your husband, from someone who's experienced how angry a man can be from an unplanned pregnancy. You will be miserable. I suggest, if you really want a child, to talk to him.

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