Baby and mum have different bedtimes - how do we do it?

Janneke - posted on 01/01/2012 ( 42 moms have responded )

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We have a beautiful 8 and a half month old baby girl. We have co-slept with her from when she was born and I have always found it a beautifully bonding experience, making night time wakings a joy more often than not.

It has, however, now developed into two problems, which are starting to drive me mad...! Firstly, even though DD and I often synchronise our sleep cycles and wake, feed and sleep very harmoniously, I cant sleep at all if my partner is in bed too! My alertness to DD and her movements makes me pick up on all his sleeping noises and I feel the hours tick a way lying awake in between two sleeping beauties, not getting any sleep myself. We have sort of accepted that, for now, we cant sleep in the same bed. But of course we miss each other.

Secondly, DD does get tired at around 7, but, unless I go to bed at the same time, she will wake continuously. After 20, 40 or 10 minutes. Recently, we have been starting to bring her downstairs to sit with us until I go to bed myself, in order to be able to wind down a bit with my partner at the end of a day. This doesn't feel sustainable though as I am so uncomfortable knowing she would rather be asleep.

She sleeps alright during the day, but only if I go for a walk with her on my back in our ergobaby backpack.

So, basically, I don't get any break during the day at all. Nor do her dad and I get much of a chance to be a couple. And I think what is causing me to worry, is that it doesnt seem to be improving, even though she is nearly 9 months now. If anything, it seems to be becoming a stronger pattern.

Any suggestions or similar experiences much appreciated!

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Elfrieda - posted on 01/01/2012

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First, I want to say I think you have a wonderful attitude about this whole situation. I think it's nice that you can be so positive when you don't get any break and never see your husband when you can focus on each other.

I'll also say that this is a huge problem, which I had, also. My son could not sleep without being rocked or held or pushed in the stroller, until finally at 9 months we trained him to fall asleep on his own. I don't think this is a co-sleeping vs. crib problem, I think it's a sleeping habit problem. She probably isn't getting enough sleep, and for sure you're not!

We used a combination of predictable routine, crying-it-out, and going in, and it took a few months for him to get it, but finally he did. It was like night and day. Life got about a million times better for all of us. Now (at 24 months) he loves sleeping, and has a special blanket and pillowcase. If he even catches a glimpse of them, he immediately gets all mellow, and thinks it's time to lie down and sleep. I save them for nap and bedtime.

Do whatever you can to teach your daughter to sleep, because she needs it and you do, too. Also, it's a skill that you need as an adult, too. There are lots of ways to do it, pick one that you're comfortable with and try it! If it doesn't work, try another one.

Krista - posted on 01/13/2012

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*** Mod Warning ***



Let's focus on helping the OP with her issue, please and thank you.



Krista

WTCOM Moderator

Terra - posted on 01/13/2012

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I think when you throw around comments like "it is a FACT..that at some point it WILL affect many areas of yr life" that is where we are all taking offense. We have given our own lives as example and still you speak in absolutes. I am part of an on-line attachment parenting group and there are a lot of mamas there that would disagree with you. Want even more people that would disagree go check out the forums at mothering.com and do some reading and research on attachment parenting (I highly recommend things from Dr. Sears). If you are offering your "opinion" like you have said over and over then please, please stop talking in absolutes. If you are offering your "opinion" then starting your sentence with "In my opinion" will emphasis that. Otherwise, be prepared for people who believe that you are incorrect to respond strongly against your stance.



(Oh and I tried Googling RMA but is wasn't very unhelpful, would you mind clearing up what it stands for?)

[deleted account]

It's actually not only an opinion when you state that something WILL happen, if you don't do x,y,z...

My 2-year-old nursing co-sleeping daughter falls asleep within 5 minutes and is happily settled in daycare 3 days a week. So no, it is not a fact but just an assumption that your child will have problems in those areas.

BTW, I do respect everyone's opinion, but not if they shout and scaremonger: 'put her in her own room NOW!!' and 'it will consume your health, your marriage and your life'. Robyn, how on earth do you consider that being nice?!

[deleted account]

PS as mothers, getting enough sleep ourselves is almost number 1 priority. I don't know about you, but I'm a monster without enough sleep, and everybody else suffers. It isn't being selfish - it's life and death!

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Robyn - posted on 01/13/2012

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thank you Sally...u seem like a person who has an open mind....@ Janneke..I apologize for the pple who think my post was offensive to u...i ment no dissrespect to u or them or this sight, just stating MY opinion which some pple think was too"absolute"...some if it may have seemed as tho it was but i assure u it wasnt ment that way..i hope u find the answers u are looking for, good luck and God Bless u and yr family..as for me, i will never respond to this sight again as there are others who DO like to help and not judge....i will also refer my niece to another sight as she was the one who told me about this one...im sure she will agree with me..

Robyn - posted on 01/13/2012

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A CERTIFIED MEDICAL ASSISTANT..u obviously didnt google very thoroughly!!!..i work hands on with dr.s and nurses..please do not confuse this with a CNA which is a certified NURSES AID....i assist in minor surgeries, side by side with dr.s, i talk with families and according to Dr.'s findings...and i help them get information when necessary whether its for pediatrics or geriatrics, and BTW..u did not start one sentence with "IN MY OPINION"..SO PLEASE PRACTICE WHAT U PREACH!!...also i never said this will ABSOLUTLY happen, i said there ARE higher %'s of problems later on..Geez, u have never been on a parenting sight, nor have i dealt with such parents as some of u....i am not insulting any1..(trying very hard NOT to)...i am not degrading anyone, and i am certainly NOT telling ANYONE any absolutes other than ones i have seen and studied in the places I have had the honor of being involved in....again to those of you who ARE pointing fingers at me...these responses from u have nothing to do with the woman who asked ALL OF OUR OPINIONS...u are attacking ME...i know what im talking about and have experience to back me up...PLEASE, stop being rude and try to stick with the subject at hand.....i made my point as have others, there are MANY, MANY women on here that have said the same thing as me.(apologizing for "being so BLUNT")..and as i have already done, so i hope u are not on here to degrade more pple that r trying to give opinions..(absolute or not)..not one person on here is right or wrong...i really hope there r pple on here that will take yr insults with a grain of salt...anyways.....thank you to those who r not judging me )or anyone else...and to those that continue to....my heart goes out to the person(s) who u have actual face to face convo's with..cuz im sure they get i word in....♥

[deleted account]

Just a quick reply to clear something up, as I know this is not on the subject of the OP.

I certainly did not insult anyone, 'to scaremonger' is hardly an offensive term. And Sally, I should have addressed Robyn directly, my post was misleading in that sense. I have no issue with anything you posted.

Sally - posted on 01/13/2012

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Terra, i agree i was just voicing an opinion. Each to their own. You have got to do whats right for you at the end of the day.

Terra - posted on 01/13/2012

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Sally, I was directing my comment to Robyn (Yours posted right before mine but we must have both been typing at the same time). I have never in any of my responses been rude. I was simply trying to explain why others were taking offense. Most people here were very, very nice and posted their opinions and then let it be. Robyn has posted time and time again that what she is posting is absolute fact even when other have chimed into to post their own opposing opinions. I'm not saying that for some women and families that the "Attachment" style parenting is the wrong way to go. I'm simply trying to get across the point that for some of us it has worked out very well and all the "this will absolutely happen" comments being made are not true for all families.

Sally - posted on 01/13/2012

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Terra, im so sorry that i didn't make it clear from the start that this was my personnel view. I really didn't realise that this site except me to. I thought that i could offer an opinion based on my past and then the person concerned could go though and take on board what helped. I have never once said or suggest my way is right. I voiced an opinion. I really don't think i will bother again. People like you spoil it because people who differ fear to respond. Just about every mother on here talks or asks from what they know. Just because some of us cannot express as well on words or get our meaning across is no reason to be-little us. If this woman was my friend i'd still say the same and still add,as i have done, its her choice.

Sally - posted on 01/13/2012

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I will back robyn on this. I talk from as someone who has had to deal. I didn't make the same mistake with my next two. I found that i was worn out and stressed from not having me time/ us time. But i find your comments,Danelia very offensive. No one here is saying shes wrong , we are just pointing out different views on the subject . Your post just sounds like im right your wrong. We all have our own ways, why oh why can you not except that. This is not a playground its a place where people who differ can try to help,maybe cos its in type it comes across wrong maybe yours did but the idea is to help not bicker and the only honest way id to read different views.

Robyn - posted on 01/13/2012

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*sorry...SCAREMONGER....is that in the dictionary..i wont even try to look it up....also, u said u have one infant?...good luck ....stay happy...and yes..BE NICE!!

Robyn - posted on 01/13/2012

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Daniella...i wasnt screaming.....i was simply eccentuating the word "NOW".....i apologize if that is what it seemed like..thats whats wrong with writing and not being able to see the person yr talking to...and to call pple names is very immature Daniella...i hope u dont do that in front of yr children!!....also..it is a FACT..that at some point it WILL affect many areas of yr life..i would not comment such a thing if i didnt research it first...the % is higher when the child is kept IN the same bed as the parents (not necessarily NEAR the parents bed), as a child in their own space..please stop judging pple..ive not once disrespected ANYONES COMMENT...please dont do that to me..or anyone else for that matter..we r all giving advice becuz it was asked for, no other reason..i was not yelling, screaming nor am i a sreammogule(whatever that means)..im a very nice person who just happens to have alot of experience with this as i am a RMA and have worked with children and have used MANY, MANY different scenarios to help with "attached" infants and children..so please ..again..DONT JUDGE...we r all giving OPINIONS!!!

Sally - posted on 01/13/2012

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I agree with Robyn. This lady ask for thoughts and that is what people have posted just their thoughts. It is up to her if she uses some or none. I stated that I felt it was important to get the child used to sleeping alone without nursing etc sooner rather than later. As the child grows she will find that she has to spend longer and longer getting her to sleep but if she is happy to spend that time that is her choice but it will impact on the time her and partner have. So please ladies i respect your opinions even if there different respect those that are different to yours.

Robyn - posted on 01/10/2012

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NO ONE..I repeat...NO ONE has said u were a terrible mother and to me.."sneaking" away from yr child is def a wrong move..children need to know yr coming back..anyways....like i said in my Second post..everyone is diff and every person i know who slept with their child for TOO LONG WERE sleep deprived AND had minoe problems with their marraige(in the bedroom thus into other area"s because of future dissagreements...)...some pple on here need to remember that when someone comes on here to ask pple for their opinions....certain reply"s should be kept to just that...make yr opinions count but stop knocking everyone elses ...no one is asking u what u think about someone elses direction..so stick to yr own, u do not know us nor her....give yr two cents and leave it at that..let her make her own choices..who knows maybe she will combine many or pick one that fits her needs...just please..BE NICE!!..we r all different but not perfect....or r u?

Terra - posted on 01/10/2012

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I have a 5 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. Both co-slept, nursed to sleep for naps and at night, etc. Contrary to what other mom's have said here it has not ruined my health or my marriage (and if it had then my marriage must not have been that good in the first place) and it didn't last forever (seeing as how my 5 year old hasn't nursed to sleep since she was 2 and half). It also didn't ruin our sex life since SURPRISE I have multiple children! LOL



We practice attachment parenting and it sounds like you do as well. Here is what worked for our family. At night I nurse my little one to sleep. When they are tiny that means baby sleeps in my arms (or occasionally in a swing,bassinet, in hubby's arms or on the couch right next to me ) while I sit on the couch and hang out with hubby (aka no missing quiet time with the hubby). As you are well aware of sleep does not have to happen in a bedroom. When it was time for bed we all went to bed. Easy as pie! Something else we did was to sidecar our crib next to the bed so that there was extra space for everyone. It gave my babies their own space that was still right next to mama and would usually give me a couple of hours of sleep before baby wanted to nurse. At about 18ish months I started transitioning my child to their own bed. I did this by using a full sized bed in their own room. I would lay down and nurse my child to sleep and then sneak out. At first when they woke up I would just bring them back to bed with me. Then after awhile I would go into them and nurse back to sleep then slip back out to my bed (this is where I am now with my 2 year old who still "wakes" once a night and I am in and out in less then 5min). My 4 year old daughter has a routine with her father that includes reading books (he is currently teaching her to read), sometimes playing a game and then he sings her to sleep. She isn't "controlling" us or being "demanding". They love this special time together and I know that someday she'll say goodnight and not want either of us to be there. Please do not feel guilty for doing what has been best for your family. Don't let anyone tell you that have done something wrong or that you are going to ruin your marriage. It sounds like you and hubby are on the same page about putting your child first right now while she is still so small and depends on the two of you so much. You are an amazing mama and you are doing an amazing job!!



Oh and to address one more silly little myth. My daughter has absolutely no problem being away from me. She is in preschool and LOVES it. The days she doesn't go she is asking when she gets to go back. She also regularly spends the night at her grandparents house (something she's been doing since she was 3ish). My son also has no problem being away from me and he loves to spend time with his grandparents. He hasn't had an overnight yet but I'm sure it won't be much longer.

[deleted account]

Arrrk - Jenneke I have several friends who found themselves in a similar situation to you. I had one friend who went to the extent of her and her partner getting in their pyjamas and getting into bed with their daughter at 7pm and waiting for her to fall asleep between them before getting back up and enjoying their evening together. She would easily spend an hour "patting" her toddler to sleep every night.

In other words the child will continue to dominate the family and believe "it's all about them".



My personal opinion is that this is unhealthy and unsustainable for parents and the child. You need to get your life back (for your own selves and ultimately for her benefit) and she needs to be able to go to sleep without you breastfeeding/rocking/patting/going to sleep at the same time. I'd recommend you listen to all the advice the ladies have given you above and see how it goes!



If you hope to have another child, this is particularly important...

Robyn - posted on 01/07/2012

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to Rebecca F...no one is making damands at her..she is asking everyone for helpful hints..some of us may sound a little harsher than others bcuz sugar coating something could detour her to get responses that may work..yr right, different family culture has alot to do wit her own problem being solved, but u dont know her culture eigther, o please dont insinuate that anyone is making demands!!..we r giving our ideas just as u did!!..thank u

Lydia - posted on 01/07/2012

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try to establish a different routine. start with naps first to get her off the habit in sleeping only in the ergo. at her age she should still do 2-3 naps during the day. try to look for signs of tiredness and just put her down in her bed (or yours). it will take a few days or maybe weeks but she'll get used to it. If she is crying you could try different soothing methods... if she will be sleeping on her own for the naps that will already give you space during weekends for some romance... that was our marriage survival. nap time romance! for the nights it might just get automatic easier if you have naps established. I am also co-sleeping and we had that too that she woke up when I left the room, but eventually it turned into I stay there 5 minutes until she's asleep and than I can sneak out. I would not suggest something radical like to now all of sudden take her to own crib for naps and all night and even let her cry it out. this could be a total shock on her since she is so attached to you in her sleep. I think a gradual shift can help you already get more space for yourself and your marriage.

Rebecca - posted on 01/06/2012

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Have you read "The fuusy baby book " and "night time parenting" by Dr W Sears, "Parenting by heart" PinkyMackay, "The no-cry sleep solution" Elizabeth Pantley... you could borrow from the library.

Rebecca - posted on 01/06/2012

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Hi Janneke, Some of these suggestions have been very insensitive to you and I think you should remember everyone has a different family culture and it is not up to anyone else to make demands of you. Only do what you feel is right for you and your bub. For me and my hubby, we had our first baby in our bed for the first year and moved him to his own room when he was one. I would put him to sleep in his own bed with a breastfeed and then if he woke in the evening my husband wouldgo in and resettle. My baby soon learnt to sleep all evening because he knew he wasnt going to get mummy and her milk until later, He wasnt alone cause dad would go in and cuddle him and sooth him any time all evening and after a few evenings dad didnt have to go in at all. He would wake up at 12am and I would go in and sleep with him till morning because I loved to do this. I had all evening with my hubby and that is all you need, then I could sleep in with bub while dad got off to work! I did not wean milk at night until he was 2. He is 3 now and if he wakes in th night as most children do Dad goes and hops in with him.because I stay in our bed with our newborn. It worked for us and was good for our child. If you cant sleep try a homeopathic magnesium tablet, and RELAX you sound like a wonerful mum and I bet you are a bit anxious and it is keepung you awake. Maybe try joining or ringing your local breastfeeding association who give lots of support to mums. Keep it up, one day you child will say "No mummy I dont want to go in the sling" and then you will feel sad that i has come to an end. I did! Try napping together in the day if you have no other kids too!

Robyn - posted on 01/04/2012

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put her in her own room NOW!!...the longer u delay this the harder it will be and it will consume yr health, yr marraige and yr life..as she will be more apt to not adjust to being away from u for short periods of time ..then school in a few years!!..thus : put her to bed as soon as she gets sleepy, 7pm is the perfect time(even if it is still slightly light out..use dark curtains or shades. Give her a soft T-shirt or small blanket with a scent of a fav perfume or soap that u use regularly....and lastly, set up a "sound machine" in her room (very inexpensive).set it to waves, or rain..anything soothing and just far enough away from her crib that its not blasting in her ears..set it at a medium volume..this will set the mood..next its all mommy and daddy, u MUST stick to this every night..she will cry, maybe even to the point of exhaustion, but it will be less everynight..do not pick her up..1st night:"mommy and daddy love u, goodnight, sleep time"...2nd night: "sleep time"..walk out..(if needed continue to go in but use no words)...lay her back down and walk out..do this for HOWEVER LONG it takes....soon u will have not only yr bed back but also a few hours of relaxing and time to yrselves...good luck..THIS DOES WORK if u stick to it..consistancey... :)

Cathy - posted on 01/04/2012

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Put her in her own room put a comfy chair in there for you if necessary but she needs her own space. Here in Australia here are sleep schools. Either you do stay thereof someone comes to you. It will never get better if you don't sort it now.

I looked for sleep signals from my girls and would put them down as their eyes shut. Was told to not let them sleep on you. Of course they did but it was not the norm. They cried but never hysterically. You need a life and a break. Daytime sleep was not as important to me as night time.

Jean - posted on 01/04/2012

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Get her out of your bed!! My boys started being put in their own cribs when they out grew their bassinets. Your marriage will eventually begin to falter and your health as well. It will be hard at first...she will cry, cry, cry. We used a technique (I can't remember the name right now) where you lay them down in their crib, tell them goodnight, give them kisses and some reassuring words, and then LEAVE THE ROOM! The first night you go back in 1 minute(she will be crying!) and offer her more reassuring/soothing calming words. I would say things like "Momma's still here baby everything is okay" and give a little touch in some way. The key is to NOT pick them up out of their crib. Leave the room after no more than 30-45 seconds. Then increase the time interval before you go back in to repeat the same thing. It will be VERY hard on you to hear her cry, but if you stick with it she will understand in less than a week. Your life/ssleep/relationship with your husband will be much improved!! Hers also.

Rachael - posted on 01/03/2012

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My daughter slept in her own bassinet until 6months and has slept with us in bed since I put her to bed on our bed and she falls asleep. She may wake once and I resettle her takes 1 minute. I do however remember a time probably around 8 months when it would take longer to resettle her. I think if you are consistent she will finally get the message that you will be coming to bed later and settle more easily.

[deleted account]

Well, I don't really have any tips on how to 'fix' things, but I'll share anyway.

My daughter had to be walked for her naps til about 7ish months. From then until around 26 months I napped with her as she would only sleep in my arms or not nap at all. Until around 13 months I had to rock her to sleep at night, a little longer for naps. She always nursed to sleep, hence woke frequently during the night and didn't sleep well without me.

By 2 years I used (slightly altered) the method Barb posted a link for to night-wean her (only of my breasts, not me). It took well over a months and she's been sleeping much better since - still in our bed.

Personnally I find 9 months a little early to night-wean, but that's just me. It was nice to be able to talk to my daughter about the whole process.

It might help if you simply get your daughter to fall asleep without the breast. Maybe look at a book with her on your lap while you nurse her and then say night night to your boobs ( I do know how that sounds...), turn the light off and just rock her a little on your lap or lie down with her in your arms. My daughter actually never got that upset about not nursing to sleep initially, it was the middle of the night that really got to her.

I don't really see the harm in helping your child to fall asleep. These days I'm out of the room 10 minutes after lights-out and she sleeps through til about 4.30am most nights. After that we nurse again.

A last word on the nap situation. Napping with my daughter did take up a lot of my time, but it also gave me a good rest during the day. Something I really miss now!

Sally - posted on 01/03/2012

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my children are grown now. 15,24.30, i have always had them sleep in their own space. If when they were very little and wouldn't sleep i would go in and stroke etc but i never spoke to them and if they woke at night for a feed , i wouldn't talk or interact in anyway. Feed them and back to bed. They learnt that it wasn't playtime it was sleep time. It worked for me and they all slept well. You have to do what works for you but do it soon or it really will become much harder. She is at the right age to learn aboit night and day. Good luck

Chrystal - posted on 01/03/2012

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With my first I did anything and everything to get him to bed and to stay asleep I spent every minute of the first 3 months holding him because he refused to sleep on his own and didn't want to stop nursing when he was awake. He finally started sleeping in a bed around 3 months but he still couldn't fall asleep alone so I had to rock, carry, sing, lay on the floor, etc to get him to sleep. Around the age your daughter is now I just couldn't do it any more. I hated it but I did the cry it out method and he learned to sleep on his own and I got the first full nights sleep since he was born. I learned from my first and with my second I never set up that cycle of needing mommy to fall or stay asleep she's been sleeping through the night since 4 months old and goes to sleep with no tears. I can't say whether cosleeping is a good or bad thing it's personal but if it's cause that much disruption for you and your relationship then maybe it's not a good thing and you need to move her into her own bed. My husband has always told me that if I don't take care of myself then I can't take of the kids. You need to get your rest to be the best mom for her.

Jebecka - posted on 01/03/2012

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Are you nursing her back to sleep at night? I had a similar issue with my son when we we co sleeping. He couldn't sleep without me because I was his giant binkie. I had to wean him at night in order to get a good night's rest!

Barb - posted on 01/03/2012

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I think this was recently posted on COMs... And seems reasonable. I am not a fan of cry it out methods Altho I realize sometimes you have to resort to things you'd rather not do. I like how the guy says he'd rather not have you do this, but if you must, here's a good way to do it. :)
http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleepp...

We might possibly have to try something since my 2 1/2 yo will not go to sleep w/o me and I need to be there whenever he wakes at night. I know kids often outgrow that at various ages but he seems like he's never going to w/o some "encouragement." :(

Nikki - posted on 01/02/2012

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My daughter was like that, no sleep unless she was rocked, carried or I was sleeping with her. I began sitting next to her and patting her back and playing with her hair until she fell asleep. The trick was putting her to bed as so as I noticed she was starting to get tired, if she was over tired it wouldn't work.
The first week or two dragged because I would have to sit there for up to an hour and I kept thinking this is not going to work but gradually she started falling asleep in a shorter space of time and eventually I could just kiss her goodnight.
As for the co sleeping I bought my daughter a double bed, she (at 2) mostly sleeps by herself now but every few nights she will wake and want me to sleep with her. So I spend probably 70% of the time in bed with hubby and 30% with my daughter.

I think you just have to find a solution that works well for everyone in the family, for us it was more about getting sleep, it didn't matter which bed or who with, if we have all had a good night sleep it's easier to make time for my husband and daughter.

Johanna - posted on 01/02/2012

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I will tell you what we did and you can take it for what it's worth. :) My baby slept in a bassinet in our room and I nursed her any time she woke up until about 6-8 weeks. Then we moved her to her own room. I always rocked and nursed her to sleep. I too cannot bear the thought of cry it out and personally don't believe in it. I know lots of people swear by it and to each his own, but not for me.
Anyway. Around 10 months, she started to finish eating, rock for a minute, and then reach for her crib. I'd lay her down and she'd go to sleep on her own. No crying :) After a few months, for some reason, she began to cry when we'd lay her down. We didn't want to give in, but like I said, didn't want to just let her cry. So I'd finish feeding her, then hold her and rock her (after trying to lay her down failed). She would fight me bc what she wanted was to get up and would often cry while I was rocking her. I just held her as still as possible while she fought, rocked, and quietly sang. This only lasted a few weeks and she has slept like a champ since (with the exception of another two week period last month -24months- when we gave away the pacifiers).
We have also always done a bedtime routine- start about 7:30-8, bath, stories/ songs, feed when she was younger, and then bed.

Katherine - posted on 01/02/2012

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My son was rocked and nursed to sleep from day one to about 8 weeks or so. at 3 months all hell broke loose and something needed to change.

I would bath my son, get him all ready for bed, fed him his bottle and put him into his crib in his own room (the first 8 weeks while nursing he was in our room in his own bassienett....until I stopped producing milk and he outgrew his bassinett),. the first night he cried off and on for 20-30 min - i would put him down, give him his soother and teddy, and blanket, tell him i loved him and walk out....I gave him 5 minutes and then I would go back and rub his back/tummy/head and calm him down if needed...never picking up him.....for 3 nights this happened and then he setled himself. he's 9 months old now, he can be playing and giggling....i fed him, bath him, fruit and bottle and I put him into the crib, he could be wide eyed and he'll settle to sleep with his teddy and blanket.

Sherri - posted on 01/02/2012

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Janneke my kids were sleeping on their own in their own beds from day 1. Then they were put in their own rooms and own beds by 12wks. I always put them to bed groggy but awake and they always put themselves to sleep with no problems.

Heather - posted on 01/02/2012

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Time to get her used to sleeping in her own bed, in her own room, so you can get your sleep back. Trust me, it's really worth it. Co-sleeping is not all it's cracked up to be.

Elfrieda - posted on 01/02/2012

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My son was like that, too. Tired as can be, but just wasn't able to fall asleep without huge effort on my or my husband's part.

You probably won't like my method, but I'll tell you anyway, just so you have an idea of one possibility.

At around 8 months, we started this thing where we'd do the bedtime routine (books, lights out, sing a song or 2 while in rocking chair, crib, sing another 2 songs while patting his back or bouncing the mattress) and then we'd say good night and go out and set the timer for 15 minutes. We had tried cry-it-out and it didn't work, he just got more and more upset and wouldn't go to sleep for hours, even after we went in to rock him.

But we would let him be for 15 minutes (the timer is important, because time warps when your baby is crying, and you don't want to rush in 30 seconds after you leave, nor do you want to learn to block out the sound and leave him for a long time)

After the 15 minutes were up, one of us would go back up and rock him to sleep the old way. Our reasoning was that we were at least attempting to teach him to sleep, even if our spirits were too broken to really do a full-fledged program! This was no harder than what we were already doing, plus we got a little break for 15 minutes while he cried the extra energy off. It wasn't a particularly pleasant break, but after a whole day of clingy child, sometimes you take what you can get!

At 10 months (so we'd been doing this at least 6 weeks), he started to sometimes fall asleep before the 15 minutes were up, and sometimes not. And not a week after he started doing that, I put him down, closed the door, and he did not cry AT ALL! I couldn't believe it. I really could not believe it.

After that wonderful night, we started putting him on more of a schedule, where we'd put him to bed at 7 and I'd sneak up at 10:30 and give him a dreamfeed so that he wouldn't wake up in the night. (we hadn't had a bedtime for him before, it was just whenever, because he wasn't sleeping anyway)

For many months, he would cry for about 2 minutes after we closed the door, and then go to sleep. It was very difficult to let my mom babysit him, because she doesn't like babies to cry. Ever. So I'd come back to a loopy, baggy-eyed boy and my mom would say, "He didn't want to sleep". Finally I begged her to count to 100 after she closed the door, and if he was still crying, she could go back in and get him. Usually he had stopped by then, so he was more often rested after a visit to Grandma.

I just put him down for a nap now, and he didn't go to sleep right away, but he was chatting to himself and I left him alone. Now I think he's sleeping, it's all quiet. (he's 24 months)

As you can tell, he's had his own room/crib since early on, but it's not because I'm against co-sleeping, he's just always been a very light sleeper and every time one of us moves, he's awake. (we tried it, we tried everything) It might be a compromise to put your mattress on the floor and have her sleep beside you, that way you and hubby could sleep together again.

Well, that was very long. I hope it helped. If not, don't worry, you'll find something! There are a lot of books around (happiest baby, etc) to help you. I didn't read any of them because I was worn down to my last nerve and couldn't handle any more advice, but you sound like you are in much better shape than I was.

Just because she's a bad sleeper now doesn't mean she'll be like that always. We were always the ones people pointed to and said, "At least our baby isn't as difficult as theirs", and now we don't even talk about his sleeping habits because we want to keep our friends and they'll be too jealous! (he sleeps about 12-13 hours each night, with a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon, shhh) If we stick to the routine, he's a perfect sleeper. Yours might become so, too. Who knows what she'll be like once she's not over-tired anymore? It's so hard for babies to sleep when they're over-tired, it's not their fault, that's just how it is.

Janneke - posted on 01/02/2012

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Thanks guys.. I feel like im missing a trick when it comes to helping her sleep. She never goes to sleep by herself when she is tired. Instead she will fuss and get quite upset if she isnt rocked or walked or breastfed. I find it really hard to visualise her just popping off to sleep.. which is probably not helpful. If I cant imagine it, i cant really guide her either..! She just never shows any signs that she will sleep on a bed like we do. I cant see it happening without a good deal of crying and that is something i dont feel comfortable with at all. When did your kids start falling asleep? Did it come to them naturally or did it take practice? Thanks for all your comments so far!

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Co-sleeping w/ my son (3.75 years now) works for me. I am a single mom and I LIKE to go to bed early.... plus I have no other room to put him in.

If co-sleeping is not working for your family... it's time to make some changes. I've never actually MADE those changes, so I'm not sure what to advise, but I do want to wish you luck! :)

Sherri - posted on 01/01/2012

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It sounds as if you and your partner are ready now to move your daughter into her own room and own bed. It truly sounds like it may be time by everything you have written.

Kimberly - posted on 01/01/2012

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Have you thought about moving her into her own bed? I know it may not be what you wanted but it seems either she isnt going to get good sleep or you have to miss out on time with hubby and he is lossing on both ends! Your daughter is aware now of when you arent there so you are her sleep aid meaning she cant sleep without you. If they have them in your area talk to a sleep clinic on how you can get her to go to sleep without you. I took my daughter to one and it was the best thing we ever did, she sleeps through the night which makes the world of difference and we still get to have cuddles and play in the morning when we bring her back to our bed. Good luck with it all

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