BABY BLUES

Alisha - posted on 11/25/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I'm a 20 yr old single mum with a six mth old daughter, and i still live at home with my mum, younger brother and sister.

in the beginning i was breast feeding but due to unexperienced nurses i was forced to stop and put her on the bottle.
since then i've been feeling like i'm not fit to look after m daughter.
her cot is right next to my bed and when she wakes up in the morning i wake up but i don't get up i just lay in bed and roll over, so instead my mum walks in and attends to her.
or when she's crying cause she's over tired i can't handle it and i just hand her to my mum.

i need help and i'm seeking it from my doctor but does anyone have any advice in how to deal with the baby blues???

6 Comments

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Sneaky - posted on 11/25/2010

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Yep, definitely sounds like depression - I have it too so you are not alone.

The difference between you and me is that I don't have a choice in the morning. My husband is at work or at uni so I have to get up and attend to the baby and my other kids. I also went out and got a casual job doing night fill at a supermarket so I have to get dressed and put on make-up and leave the house and converse with other adults. It helps, it really, really helps. I am still depressed, sometimes I feel like a walking zombie, but my depression is certainly much better than it was.

So after the doctor and/or counseling and/or medication your next big step is to have a talk with your mum! It is wonderful that she is there to support you and your baby - you are so lucky to be loved like that :o) But you need to sit down with her and explain that under no circumstances is she to come into your room and attend to your baby anymore. By her taking on that responsibility for you, she has also taken away some really good motivation for you to get going in the morning. I am not saying that you can't ask her for help (e.g 'mum can you hold the baby when I go to the bathroom?') and you can certainly ask your mum to babysit if you are going to work or school or just need some time to yourself occasionally, but if you know that you can roll over in bed and your mum will look after the baby than you have no reason to get out of bed and that is the unhealthiest frame of mind you can get into!

I understand that it will be really, really, really hard for your mum to hear your baby cry and to know that you are just laying there, but this baby is not only your responsibility - she is also how you are going to be able to crawl out of this hole you are in. You need to KNOW that you have to get out of bed for the baby because no one else will. That is the best way that your mum can support you right now - tough love! The love doesn't even have to be that tough :o) When I first had depression when my baby woke up in the morning my husband would get out of bed and get her from her room and deposit her into bed with me, then he would get her bottle (I stopped breast feeding at four months) and hand it to me so i would just have a relaxing snuggle in bed feeding the baby every morning . . at least until I had to get up and change that nappy! So your mum could definitely do that - pick up the crying baby and hand her to you and make up a bottle fro you to feed her, your mum can help and support you in a hundred ways like that, but your mum shouldn't be taking the baby away to care for her - it is not the best thing for your bub (who wants her mummy) and it is not the best thing for you (who needs a reason to get motivated). None of this will be easy - in fact it's going to bloody damn hard. But you can do it.

Alison - posted on 11/25/2010

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I am glad to hear you are getting help from your doctor. Here are some tips that can help with any form of depression:

* exercise - especially outside
* sunlight (try to get outside around noon to take in the most sun)
* there are many supplements that can help (be sure to talk to a pharmacist if you are taking any medication): vitamin B complex and Omega 3 are a good place to start.

Bottle or breast, your baby thinks your the best mom there is!

Louise - posted on 11/25/2010

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I think you need councilling and a visit to the gp. Once you have done that then you need to take full control of the care of your child. That means getting up when she cries and not rolling over. Your mum should be there to support you but at the end of the day she is your baby. I do understand how you feel I was only 21 when I had my first son I was married but I had no support as I lived miles away from the family. I had no choice but to get on with it. I had post natal depression with my second son and spent about 6 weeks just a sobbing mess but still I had to get on with it. Try and get involved with mums and tots groups that gets you out the house and with other mums the same age. Try and go out at least once a day even if it is just a walk around the park. Pills can only do so much, at the end of the day

Laura - posted on 11/25/2010

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You are on the right track by seeking help from your doctor, which is what I would have suggested as a first course of action anyway. Good job, you're using your head!

You mention that these feelings started after you stopped breastfeeding--are you feeling "bad" because you aren't doing this anymore? Rest assured that breastfeeding a baby is a prefered option, but that it is an OPTION, not a mandate! I had to stop breastfeeding my daughter when she was 3 months old, so relax, you are not alone in that department. Fortunately we live in a time where moms have other options for feeding infants. And a benefit with bottle feeding is that others can feed your daughter too!

You are also making another good choice: When your daughter is crying and YOU can't deal with it, you are turning her care over to someone else. Recognizing your limitations is good! If you know where your boundaries are you can then work at extending those boundaries to new comfort levels.

The best piece of advice for dealing with the changes of becoming a new mom is to make time for yourself each day, even if it is 15 minutes. Schedule this into your daily routine. This is your time and you can use it for whatever you find relaxing: Take a bubble bath, meditate/pray, take a walk, etc. In the meantime, plan on fulfilling the responsibility of taking care of your daughter--she needs her mum! It's not easy, but it can be done and you can do this, too! Hope this helps and best of luck to you!

Jana - posted on 11/25/2010

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Hi Alisha. Recognizing that you are having difficulties and seeking help from your doctor are 2 important signs that you are a good mother! You are aware of what your baby needs (a healthy you!) and you are taking steps to see that she gets it.

You are young and your life has completely changed in the past 6 months. I think it was about a year after my first was born before I felt like myself again, physically and emotionally. Motherhood is a big adjustment!

It's great that you have your mom for support. I would encourage you to take over responsibility for your child and encourage your mother more toward supporting YOU as a mother, rather than doing the mothering for you. When the baby wakes in the morning, you should attend to her. When she is crying, just hold her and cry with her if you need to! I cried right along with mine many times, especially when they were colicky and I was tired.
YOU are the most important person to your child. You don't have to be perfect or know everything, you just have to love her. Your mom is a great source of information. Ask her how to do things, rather than asking her to do them.

If your mom has been taking these responsibilities for several months, be aware that as you begin to take them back, you may feel like your daughter prefers her over you. Don't let that stop you! You will again bond with your baby. Good luck!

Hayley - posted on 11/25/2010

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i would say this isn't the baby blues but sounds like post natal depression i had it after my daughter and what you are saying is very similar to my experience. i ended up going to my doctor but also went to a good theripist. the whole breastfeeding thing is a nightmare for mums as there's so much pressure but don't feel like a failure as you are not. a mum once said so long a your baby is fed and has a full tummy of food that's the most important thing. at the end of the day you put a breastfeed baby and a formula feed baby side by side and people aren't going to know the difference. also be glad and happy that your mum is there to support you and your bub i had a great network of support around me and found that really helpful. my husband has always told me happy mum = happy baby so you do what you think is best. hang in there with the right help and support you will get through it i know it seems hard now but each day it will get easier.is there somewhere else in the house you can put the cot just to give yourself some breething room. i wish you all the best..

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