baby daddy doesnt want to take our daughter

Stacie - posted on 03/15/2011 ( 38 moms have responded )

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my baby daddy pays child support but he doesnt like to keep her on his weekends. hes alwayss maken excuses telling me he cant watch her or hes got to work or some lame excuse. hes good to her but not me. he doesnt like it when i go out with my gf's and want him to watch her so i can get a break, even if its just to the mall jut to shopp or walk around. and if i do go out. he wants to know where im at all the time and alot of the time he follows me to make sure im not meeting a guy and lying. my friend told me since he virberly abuses me and has hurt me in the past that i can file a restraining order but i dont want it be like that. i just want us to be OK with one another and friends later if possible. Any advice on what to do? i feel trappd and still feel like hes controling my life like he did when we were together.

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Louise - posted on 03/16/2011

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You need to sit down and tell him straight that the relationship between him and you is over and that you are only in contact with him because of his daughter. Ask him if he wants regular access to his daughter and if he says yes then tell him that he has got to be less controlling or you will file for supervised access. It is none of his business if you are going out with another man it does not affect him. Set some ground rules and if he breaks them then let him take you to court for access. In the meantime get another baby sitter so you can get a rest and then you will have some chance of a personal life.

Rae - posted on 03/15/2011

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Just be thankful he does pay something for his daughter, if he doesnt want to look after her, its his loss not yours and certainly not your daughters. If you want a break, ask a friend, relative or put her in occasional daycare if there isnt anyone. Dont ask him for anything, cut the ties, If he is still trying to control you out of the relationship then get a restraining order. Just get on with your life, you can do it.

Jenni - posted on 03/17/2011

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I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused?
You're worried your friends could be psycho and that's why you wouldn't leave your baby with them. But you're willing to leave her with her dad who is stalking you and is clearly psycho?
Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child unsupervised with a father who is stalking me.
I think your friend might be right. If it were me I'd have a restraining order on him asap. I'd also request supervised visitation. If he has verbally abused and hurt you, what's going to stop him from doing the same thing to your daughter? I can completely understand wanting her to have her father in her life but putting her in a situation alone with a man who has a history of abuse is very dangerous.

Jodi - posted on 03/15/2011

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Stop leaving your daughter with him when you want a break if he doesn't like it and is using it as an excuse to control you. Do you have family or friends who would watch her for you here and there so you can get a break?

Jessica - posted on 03/18/2011

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friendly advise. stop doing the "I just want" gets you nowhere fast. Try "Do I want my daughter to think this is ok?" If you put up with it... chances are so will she.

38 Comments

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Gwen - posted on 03/22/2011

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If he doesn't want her, why force the issue? You know he's just going to treat her like crap when she's there! My daughter's father only sees her once or twice a year, and you know what? I don't give a crap! She is a joy and a blessing. As exhausted as I am some days, I wouldn't trade one minute. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't deserve her.

Don't let him control you! Enjoy the time with your child!! She will grow up so fast. He is the one missing out. She is better to have one parent who is madly in love with her than 2 parents who bicker about who "has" to keep her this weekend.

Obviously, things can't just "be OK with one another." He is stalking you. Get the restraining order and move on. You do not owe him answers or explanations about ANYTHING.

You won't even have to tell your daughter who she can depend on for support and love. She will figure it out all by herself.

Melysa - posted on 03/21/2011

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IF IT S COURT ORDERD DEN U NEED TO GO BAC TO COURT WAT U DO WITH UR FREE TIME IS NOT HIS BIZZYNESS.U DNT GOTTA TELL HIM WAT OR WER U GOIN DATS WHY YAL NOT TOGETHER.

Cassandra - posted on 03/20/2011

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Wow, that's a tough one.. Look, at the end of the day, you cannot force your daughter on him, he has to want to spend time with her- it will not be good for her or him if he is doing it because "HE HAS TO. In regards to controlling your life, you are the only one that has control over that and if I were you I would make that very very clear to him.. Girl, don't continue on being the victim, you have the right to be happy just as much as anyone else. Men take forever to mature, some longer than others.. I dont know how old he is or if that would make a difference or not... I hope is not to late when he realizes all the time he wasted not being and sharing special moments with this daughter.

Carol - posted on 03/20/2011

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He needs to grow up. I don't think I would want him watching the baby if he has been abusive to you. He apparently does not want to spend time with his child and he will regret it one day if he is any kind of man at all. Keep the child support and get him out of your life in other ways. He will always try to control you if you let him. Your baby needs love and he is not going to give it

Donna - posted on 03/20/2011

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I know it might be hard but you have to think of your daughter first. You don't want her growing up seeing him treating you badly...she might think that's ok when she's older. Thank God he's good to her. You may think I'm just giving empty advice but I've been there. Now my daughter is 21,has finished nursing school,has passed her boards and has a full-time job. There were lots of years I struggled to give her things but now her life is good. Don't forget yourself. You stand up for you and don't take the crap!

Chacara - posted on 03/18/2011

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Don't give him the power! Just enjoy your daughter and don't ask him for anything, he's the one who will be missing out on her life and regretting it later. I think you should just let your daughter be the one to ask him(if she's old enough)whenever she wants to spend time with her dad but not you. If you want to go out with the girls, is there a grandparent, relative or friend she can spend time with for a bit? Just don't give in to his childish games and hopefully he'll eventually grow up.

Jennifer - posted on 03/18/2011

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Hi, I have a 4 year old girl. We split when she was 9 months old. Her daddy seen her consistently for the first couple of years or so then it became irregular. Since last October he hasn't seen her at all and there has been no contact from him. We're getting on with our lives without him. As far as I'm concerned, it's his loss and my gain, I get her all to myself.

I think contact should be consistent for the sake of your daughter, children thrive on routine.

Your ex sounds controlling and as hard as it may seem, you can't force him to be part of your daughters life. Look at it from her point of view, if he doesn't want to have her and is "forced" to have her she will pick up on that. I wouldn't want someone taking care of me if they didn't want to. Also, think about what your daughter will learn from your relationship with her father. When she's older do you want men to treat her the same way or do you want better for her?

All my family live overseas and I very rarely get a break, but that's just the way it is, unfortunately. Now my little one is getting older she is starting to have sleepovers with her friends so now and again I do get a break.

If contact continues, it's really none of his business what you get up to. Perhaps you need to set some clear bounderies and treat the relationship you have together as a "business" one.

I hope you find this helpful, and good luck, it's not easy raising kids on your own, but you can do it and the payback is enormous.

Penny - posted on 03/18/2011

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Most important thing..... do not hook up with another guy like him.. from my experience women are always attracted to the same loser..... something's got to change ! Take the child support but cut the controlling aspect of your ex's behaviour !!!! good luck

Angelica - posted on 03/18/2011

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girl im 19, and mines is worse yeah he pays also but he doesnt love her cause it came out a girl. by law im supposed to give me in the weekends but since IM THE MOTHER & HAVE THE CUSTODY and if i dont want to I wont take her and I havent, a real parent would love its kids with no excuse
sorry to bust your bubble sweety but he doesnt show love for your kid he pays cause he got no other choice he would preffer give u $$ than him being in jail

Patricia - posted on 03/18/2011

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and in my honest opinion i don't think it is safe to leave your daughter with him leave him behind lookj after your beautiful little girl and get on with your life he doesn't deserve to be a part of hers and sounds dangerous

Patricia - posted on 03/18/2011

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my ex husband was like this it never stops if it wasn't for my brother i think i would not be alive today do not let him put it over you be strong and don't let him push you around

Denise - posted on 03/17/2011

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I think u need space, a lot of times we as women want to be friends with the ex, although it can happen now is not the time, u will know when but not right now, so just focus like everyone keeps telling you and do what u have to do without him. I truly understand the wanting a break thing, but like Susan said thats some of the price we pay for having a kid, have u ever heard the old saying mama's baby daddy's maybe, if so now u will have a better understanding of what it means.

Monica - posted on 03/17/2011

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Something else. Child support helps, but the safety of your child in all aspects costs more in a long term than whatever you are getting from him. I didn't want child support from my ex-husband because to me it was better to have him away from my child.

[deleted account]

I second that, you wont leave her alone with your friends, buy you will the controlling manipulative dad. I am insanely honest so here goes. Apparantly there are a lot of us in this position with our childrens' fathers. Here is the thing, we chose to have children. If your kid was an accident you chose to not use protection, so you chose to have a child. We don't get breaks. My daughter goes everywhere with me. Pay someone to watch her sometimes if you need. But that's your job as a mother. Also I am filing for custody for my daughter because I need to make the decisions that are in her best interest. If you meet the income qualifications it is 100% free. If not, still better then having to get the cops involved when he hurts you again. Have you read what you wrote? Here's is my advice, that I have been given. Get off the pity pot. If he doesn't want ot see her who cares? Take care of your kid.

Monica - posted on 03/17/2011

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talk. Your baby needs you as much as she needs her father in her life, however if it is completely obvious that he is not interested in being a good parent, and it's just making your life miserable then do something more practical. Have a talk with him to explain how he makes you feel, but first tell him that your biggest concern is to have a good friendship that would allow both of you to be a parent for your child. It seems for what you're saying he still haven't overcame the separation from you and maybe the baby it's being just an excuse for him to be close to you. The only way to find out is by trying to make peace by talking and looking for a sane relationship that would contribute in a happy life for you little girl. Never forget that he is her father and they both, your child and him have the right of being part of each other's life but if he really doesn't care, he shouldn't be in your lives. Hope this advice helps. I can imagine how desperate you are.

Alexis - posted on 03/17/2011

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Yep. Don't be so nice, You have a right to move on. He still has to pay support. If you don't have it setup through court go set it up. and if you have any old reports of abuse then use them.
No one can really tell you how to handle it. Your friend told you what they thought. and we all seem to agree with it. If you keep letting him do it then you are part of the problem. You have to but an end to the control. You have a right to your own life.
Hope it all works out

Stifler's - posted on 03/17/2011

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I agree with Jennifer, the dad sounds like the psycho. I would cut him off and get a restraining order if he's following you and carrying on and doesn't want to see his child anyway.

Charity - posted on 03/17/2011

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I say cut him off. He's sucking the life out of you and that's not good for your little girl. She needs you at your best. She's depending on you. YOU ARE THE FIRST EXAMPLE OF HOW SHE SHOULD LIVE. Everything you say and do she will soak up. Let him go. Women raise their children without child support all the time. My mom did it with 6 kids. You can do it too. If you need a break, ask someone else. If you don't know anyone else, get involved in a good church. Go to Sunday service and put her in the nursery during the service. Take her to church activities where she can play with other kids. You will make friends too and eventually have someone who can babysit. And in the process she will have good influences and you will see a change in how you view life and be happier in being a mommy. Trust me. You DON'T need him.

Elize - posted on 03/17/2011

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sound to me her dad is the physco. I would be afraid to leave my child with him unsupervised, just now he does something to her to spite you.

Kate - posted on 03/17/2011

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Hi Stacie
why are you bothering yourself over some who doesn't show love to you nor our child? Have you parents or trustworthy friends that you can leave your little darling with for about an hour or two? Try asking your parents in a very nice manner and let them know about your situation. Next anyone who follows you around is not trustworthy and very unsure of oneself therefore put a stop to it. You have to stop it now before it is too late. You have a little one who needs you more than ever. You can break the relationship and still be friends as you want as he is still the father of your darling.You have to be very careful and protect yourself.

Denise - posted on 03/17/2011

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WOW when u first started talking i thought you all were together. How is that he follows you around to make sure youre not talkin to other guys and yall not together? you have given this man too much control, or pardon my bluntness you gots to be still sleeping with him, if thats the case dont do it, because you are just poring salt on an open wound. Yes it is some control issues with him so my advice to you is like some of the others have said dont leave your daughter with him, with everything thats going on with these sick ass ppl you never know. You dont want to play the shouda wouda couda game for the rest of your life. Im not saying that your baby daddy is a killer or something but he obviously still have issues and you just never know, he's too jeolous. You sound like a young lady who is concerned about yourself and your child, so you need to use that same instinct to protect the both of you. A restraining order aint a bad idea, but if you're still having relations with this man you are setting both of you all up. I hope this helps, good luck

Cathy - posted on 03/17/2011

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You need to cut all ties with him and if keeps verbally abusing you, i would be getting a restraining order. A restraining is protection for you and if he breaks it, its his problem not yours. Just be happy with your child, he is not worth it

Stacie - posted on 03/16/2011

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thanks everyone. i think i will talk to him about this. and let ties with him. and Jodi no, i dont live close to any of my family and i dont trust friends with my daughter bc they could turn out to be a physco and i wouldnt know it. but i think i might try daycare. and im hoping for the best with this, i want him only here for our daughter and nothing more. so if he cant do that then i think a restraining order is gonna have to happen. thank you ALL for yalls help. im new to this sight. i was on FB and i recently deletd it bc his famiyl wanted to be 2 faced and pretend to be my friend just to start drama and use it to keep tabs on me for him. Thank you al again im hoping for the best out come ♥

Christie - posted on 03/16/2011

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Also, I totally agree with the comment above about cutting all ties, I went thru this and still am in ways, that 's why I mentioned above the fact that I informed him about the transportation thing. I have thought about taking my baby's father to court to get full custody and I have actually ask him to sign over his rights to her.....Then I prayed and ask God to give me advice and if I was in error by doing that for him to show or tell me that I was. It was then that I realized that 1: Why would I want to take myself and her through the whole process of going to court for full custody, when I already have full custody and I'm the one who gets to watch her say and do all the wonderful things she does and watch her bloom into this little girl with the cuttest personality. 2: It would cost loads of $s to do it. 3: I don't want my child to hold me responsible for taking away her father's rights....If he doesn't step up to do as he is suppose to as a father, it's his loss and she was come to realize that too. Last, the above statement is true as well, one day a man will come along and want to be a father to her and this is even more gain for the little one.....So my final advice is pray, seek God for Guidance in your life, spend Quality Time with your little one and when you need a break, try to find someone you know you can trust and depend on when leaving your little with them and never let anyone else but God, have a hold on you as a person.

Christie - posted on 03/16/2011

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Sorry to hear all that, especially since I am going through a somewhat similar situation. My baby's father does the same, he pays child support, although he doesn't have a set time to keep her. He only text me when it's convenient for him and ask for me to either kiss our baby girl goodnight for him or he wants me to go pick him up and bring him over to our house or the three of us go and do things together so that he can spend time with her. He doesn't have a JOB, he has been drawing unemployment for almost 2yrs. but still hasn't found time to spend with our baby girl in all this time since we split. I laid down some ground rules for him because he does drugs, he drinks, he lies about lots of things and isn't a good role model to any child(my opinion i guess), he doesn't act responsible(my opinion) and a the fact is that he hasn't shown that he knows what being a father is really about. He called about 2 weeks ago and ask me if I could come and pick him up for him to come and spend some time with our baby girl.....I proceeded to tell him, he can come to our home and have supervised visits with her, until I feel as if I can trust him with her alone....Also informed him that it wasn't my responsiblity to provide his transportation to and from our home for him to do so, I let go of this responsiblity when he left me to be FREE LOL.

Krystal - posted on 03/15/2011

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i was going through thne same thing but i didnt have mine on a court set childsupport and it was bad now i do and he still dont like get his son im now married to my third childs dad and he takes care of my kids stop being so nice if he dont want take her then dont worry about it he dosent need be in and out ya know i just let my sons dad come whenever he calls which is never so its his loss there is someone out there who would love you and your baby

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