baby daddy drama

Zena - posted on 08/24/2013 ( 32 moms have responded )

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Hi so I'm 18 and I'm expecting my first child. im only 7 weeks. But i really didn't want a baby now because I'm fresh out of high School and Had plans for college but because i don't believe in abortions i chose to keep my child. But my ex (baby's father) and i are not together and i chose not to be with him for various reasons. But he calls and harasses me just to argue. He claims that isnt his motive but it seems like it is. Now i just regret everything. I kno i have to deal with him because of my child but he makes it EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. What should i do???

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Elizabeth - posted on 08/29/2013

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Get strong and live the life right for you and this child--you are a mother LION now, you must rise to the responsibility. Seek support from family and friends but show them how willing you are to make this work. It is possible to work and go to school but not easy. You will need to recruit positive people in your life to help you some. If all else fails, adoption is an option and there are many LOVING families waiting for a baby. You could give them the greatest of all gifts. The harassing dad--don't take his calls unless he agrees to provide POSITIVE input. I don't believe you have to put his name on the official birth certificate if you do not want him involved any longer. If he wants to be a dad, he needs to be loving and positive even if your relationship has changed.

Yvette - posted on 08/28/2013

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I was in a very similar situation when I was 18 (summer after graduation), only now I am 26 and have a seven year old daughter and I have my bachelor's degree. First and foremost don't give up on your college plans just yet, it might take you a little longer, but you can get it done. It is definitely a tough situation to be in, I know it first hand I thought about placing a protection order (which I didn't) due to feeling harassed about getting an abortion when I didn't want to. I told him that I was not going to abort my baby and stood my ground and I also let him know that I would be able to do it on my own. Long story short, five years later he "grew" out of his, "I am not ready for this" stage, only to realize that he is not so ready after all (currently: work in progress). In other words, he will eventually come around whether it's when you give birth, two or five years later; however, don't wait on him to come around because some take a little longer to grow up. Keep your head up and believe in yourself and your ability to persevere.

I agree with Evelyn Witt, even when the father is not listed on the birth certificate they will have rights, you can fight it, but they can fight it back with a paternity test and you lose. A biological father will always have his rights regardless if there's a child support order or not. The only way a bio father doesn't have rights is if the father relinquishes his rights.

Zena - posted on 08/26/2013

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I know having a baby is goin to be challenging. I know its not going to be a piece of cake. In life I don't expect nothing too. But like I said I'm not just going to give my kid to adoption or anything else, and I'm especially not goin to do that because what other people think is the "best desicion" for my own kid. (Especially if you dont even know me) I'm not going to give up on my kid nd just throw in the towel, without even trying . Thats pathetic. My mom didnt do that to me, so why would i do that to my own? Family is the most important thing in this world. But AGAIN, my problem was never about my child. I specifically asked other moms what they think I should do about the situation with my kids FATHER . Anything other than discussing what I should do about my kids father is irrelevent. Im not being rude or getting offensive. I understand my options and reality but I know with prayer, Jesus will work everything out.

Jay - posted on 08/25/2013

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Try to stay positive(I know it's hard) Once you see that sweet babies face, your life will change forever. Do whats best for baby and sometimes that means taking the high road!!

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Alexandra - posted on 08/31/2013

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My advice to you is to enjoy your pregnancy. You only get to have your first child once and if you back down and focus on enjoying all aspects of it now everything with your babys dad will fall into place. Its natural to have some doubts and be scared at times. Your emotions are going to be up and down and all over the place and nothing anyone says can prepare you for all of the things you are going to experience as you go through your pregnancy. The best thing for you and your baby is for you to feel safe, comfortable, loved and supported. Babies are half of us and half of their fathers and sometimes we dont realise that dads also have some really strong feelings towards these little beans we are carrying and are fiercly protective of, they instinctively want to protect them just as much as us and sometimes that doesnt come across in the most healthiest of ways (from mums or dads) ...so many fears come up for both of us when we are expecting our first child. Maybe deep down he needs you to tell him what to do so that he can be there for you and his baby (even though you are not together it would be so wonderful to look back and see that he supported you through your pregnancy with all the ups and downs to come... so can you in any way tell him that you just need him to relax and support you right now?). I know its hard but try not to shut him out of this. Pregnancy is a time when we can really take a step back, relax and let go of controlling everything.. let people support us in any way they can. If he is really too difficult to reason with then you need to do whats best overall and whether that be avoid him or find a go between only you know what is really best deep down. Do what feels good in your heart and try to imagine what kind of solution you would like to see when you look back on this and not to jump into any hasty decisions that will create more discord and leave you feeling guilty or resentful as time goes by.. you dont even need to decide what to do right now just remember to take it easy on yourself and get plenty of rest. Regardless of the society we live in with all of the ideals imposed upon people.. there is no best age to have a child.. young mums have the benefit of gaining the unique experiences that only having children bring whilst still having plenty of time to figure out whatever else they want to do in life. Happiness is a choice. A really great book to read is What every parent needs to know by Margot Sunderland.. it is a very light but informative book and gives so much insight into how we can all give our babies the best starts in life if we let a little more love in. I wish I had it before I had my baby.
Congratulations!! ♡

Homba - posted on 08/29/2013

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About your kids father, if I understood correctly, you have now a happier Boyfriend maybe who is not aware of your pregnancy or he is but don't know about the real owner, and you want to decide which one should be the responsible father? I think that your current boyfriend should be aware of the real father of your pregnancy and you must tell him that between you it's completely finished. You must also tell the owner of your pregnancy that he is the one and he will have things to do with his child if he wants but you have moved on completely. I am sure your child, will be interested to know his real father in the future and if you do it correct now, You won't have any problems in the future.

Rebecca - posted on 08/28/2013

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Have you considered adoption? There are many good non-profit groups that truly have your and your baby's best interest at heart. Regardless, you might want to get your ex's role in the baby (and your) life ironed out before too much more time goes by. That way you both know what to expect and what responsibilities each of you have. He may sleep on it after seeing everything in black and white and realize he should either straighten up and grow up or get out altogether.

Ev - posted on 08/28/2013

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Tara, I have to point out the birth certificate thing to you. On that piece of paper or not, if you file for child support, they will require a paternity test. If that comes out positive then the father still has rights even if he is not listed as the dad. In most states anymore they try to be sure of who the father is for this instance. A lot of questions on here about the father not being on the BC but getting child support or visitation has come up and in all cases, they will check for paternity. And anymore, the bio father does have rights! He has to be shown unfit or waive his rights to the child and the judge has to decide if it will happen.

Amanda - posted on 08/26/2013

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I just want to say that I'm not being negative. I'm being realistic. Being a mom is hard. Like I said, I LOVE it, but it is hard, and it's only made harder by being young and single. That is absolutely not a negative statement. That is reality. If you're going to do this, then you at least deserve someone to be honest with you so that you know what you're getting yourself into. Yes, it can be done. Yes, it's done everyday. No, it's not always the best decision for the mom or the baby. That is reality.

Zena - posted on 08/26/2013

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Thank you sooo much. This was the most encouraging advice I felt like I received. Thank you soo much.

Tara - posted on 08/26/2013

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I had my son at 18. You do what is right for you and the baby. If you do not plan to be with this man then do not put him on the birth certificate, then you will have sole custody in the courts eyes. When the baby is born fe for child support. If he is not listed as the father on the birth certificate he has no rights. You obviously don't want to give your baby up. You are old enough to be a mother. Don't let negative people bring you down. My son is 11 now, I was and still am a single mother and I'm very happy. Good luck!!

Ev - posted on 08/26/2013

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Filing this early for court is not going to work as she is not that far along. The court is going to most likely hold a hearing and order a DNA test to set paternity first to make sure the kid is his. Then they go into the custody and child support and visitation issues after baby gets here and the paternity is set. I know this is fact because my friend was expecting when she and her ex had tried to work it out and she found out a couple months after her son was born she was pregnant again. He wanted her to obtain an abortion but she said no. She tried to get custody and all set for all three but as the baby was not here yet, it was only on the two kids. They had legal separation at this point and she got support and custody and visitation for the kids she had already. When her daughter was born they had to do a DNA and set paternity before they could even make her ex pay child support on 3 kids.

Zena - posted on 08/26/2013

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No its not my baby who is the problem because I have the help and support its just my baby dad! I'm not goin to give my kid away that was never the option. There are tons of mothers who were ten moms/single parents who turn out to be sucessful each day. I know with help, support, and prayer I know I can be the best mother I can be. I just needed advice on how to handle the situation with my kids dad

Alba - posted on 08/26/2013

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If.you are not ready for a child you can always give it for adoption...i got pregnant when i was 22 and i was not ready i regret not having a abortion...i am a single mom dont have noone to help me my aunts help when ever they can witch its not much... so my opinion is to go with your heart no matter what anyone say...in the end of day is your body your life...

LIZ - posted on 08/26/2013

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This is your baby and you have to do what is right for you. Sit down with your mum and talk over all your options or if that's not possible speak to your doctor or someone you trust. Having a baby is a wonderful thing but you have to be sure it's what you want as babies are a big responsibility at your age. Good luck for the future. X

Zena - posted on 08/26/2013

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Nd I think your right. He still want to be with me with the calling to argue. I guess just to stay relevent. But he's just to much.

Zena - posted on 08/26/2013

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Yes, we're not together because he's disrespectful towards me and he tells me that "that's what happens in relationships" but I clearly know that is not true. I know that being in a relationship you are not disrespectful towards each other. So that's why we broke up. But he calls me just threatening to take my baby away. And saying he wants to see the baby. But I'm like I never told him he couldn't but that all he keeps saying every time we do speak. Mind you its not like I'm very far in my pregnancy. Im only 8 weeks, and the baby is literally the size of a rasberry . So hes just extremely hype for no reason in my eyes .And he's just impossible to talk to. He's never threatened my life or anything of that nature. But he's just annoying. My mom told me not to think nothing of it because he's just all talk. But

Joanne - posted on 08/26/2013

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Hi Zena,
What is your ex harassing you about? Does he not want you to keep your baby? I think you should give a little more data as to why you're not with him anymore. For him to call you and then argue sounds like he wants to continue seeing you????
Give more info.

[deleted account]

Why would you hold off on court filings just because it's early?? Early is the best time to get things in order. Do you really want to be trying to figure all of this out when you are sleep deprived, exhausted, and still hurting from the birth? Of course not. You need to do it now.

You said your ex told you he wanted you dead. That's not something you can allow without consequence. You can't just let him say "Sorry, didn't mean that!" and allow him full access to your life, and if you don't get a court order in place dictating what he can/cannot do, and that's what you are doing. By putting off court, you are putting your child at risk. You blocked his number, that doesn't do anything to protect you or your child. He'll just come to your house! Is that safer? No, it's not. It is more dangerous, and unless you have video surveillance with sound, you can't get any evidence that is admissible in court unless you call the police, and a Police report is NOT always helpful, in fact, in many cases they do more harm than good. You are a mother now. You have to do what is best for your child, even it it's difficult or expensive.

You will eventually have to go to court. You can't get around that. If you don't have your legal affairs in order, your ex CAN take your child from you. If he gets his side of the case ready and files on your child's birth date, you won't have much time to pull your case together, and you won't be at your best mentally, emotionally, or physically in order to put forth your peak efforts.

Amanda - posted on 08/26/2013

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Have you considered adoption? I'm more than twice your age with a loving husband and a home a great job/income and two very involved and supportive families... And I am amazed at how hard and expensive it is to be a first time mom to a newborn. Don't get me wrong... I LOVE being a mom. But I don't think I would have loved it (or even liked it a little bit) at 18 or 19 or 20. It's not all fun and playing with toys and snuggling. It's mostly comforting a baby and trying to figure out why she's crying and changing diapers. Baby ALWAYS comes first. There's no time for mommy. And if you breastfeed, you really don't get a break; either the baby or the pump need you every 2 hours or much sooner, especially during a growth spurt. I'm not trying to discourage you. I'm just offering another possible solution. Having a baby is the most amazing thing I've ever done. But I'm so happy I waited for the right time and relationship so that I can enjoy this time with my baby and not feel resentful toward an ex or (God forbid) to the baby. It's hard enough without adding in drama.

Good luck with your choice. Adoption could be an answer for you. Especially open adoption, so that you can still get photos and letters and updates. You get to pick the family. Please consider this, for your sake and especially for the baby's.

Zena - posted on 08/25/2013

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So my mom suggested I hold off the court thing becaus Its still really early. So im jus going to wait . But for now i blocked him from my phone so i cannot recieve no text or calls from him. If anything still happens after i give birth, then i will be more than happy to go to court and get everything legit. But thank you mommys' for all ur help & support!

[deleted account]

If you plan to hire a lawyer, you can do so as soon as possible. In fact, the sooner the better. Much of the paper work cannot be filed until the baby is born, but you can have it filled out and ready to be filed by your attorney the day the child is born. All you have to do is call and let them know the baby was born and they will in the birth info and file it all.

If you plan to do it on your own, go ahead and get as much of the paperwork filled out as possible, and go ahead and file anything your state will allow to be filed before the birth. Put the papers in a stiff folder and bring them with you to the hospital. After the child is born, fill in any missing data and file them once you leave the hospital. Unfortunately, very little can be filed electronically in these cases--you will have actual paper. Be sure to keep a copy of EVERYTHING for yourself.

Granny - posted on 08/25/2013

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get a restraining order and forget he exists. don't give him the satisfaction of starting an argument. if he calls you, report it to the phone co. he can lose his phone service.

Dove - posted on 08/24/2013

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Getting a lawyer is the easiest way. You can just go down to the court house and fill out the proper papers yourself, but hiring a lawyer is by far the best way... then you just pay someone else who isn't emotionally involved in the situation to deal with it all.

Zena - posted on 08/24/2013

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How soon do I have to do that ....the custody and visitation stuff. Cuz I have no idea how to go about that...

Michelle - posted on 08/24/2013

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What Jodi said for now. Tell him he can communicate via email, that way everything is in writing.
You also need to make sure you get the custody and visitation sorted out ASAP and make sure that it's in the orders that all communication is in writing.

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