Baby daddy/grandparents help...

Heather - posted on 09/16/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Hello,

I'm new to COM, so forgive me if this is in the wrong place. I'm looking for advice on how to deal with my daughter's dad and his parents. I found out I was pregnant when I was 18 and ended up with a newborn shortly after I turned 19. Her dad called me a few times when I was pregnant and saw me once or twice, but wasn't ready for another baby. He had two girls when he was in high school. So, we just lost contact and I didn't think about how important it would be to stay in touch for our daughter's sake. Sophie, now 6 years old, wants to know her dad and asks about him every single day. I contacted her dad's parents when I was still pregnant and they were very supportive, but after multiple moves, we lost contact until a year ago. I have been talking to them often since they found me and they have been nothing but supportive. I also got in contact with Sophie's dad about 4 months ago, and we talk often, but he isn't ready to tell his older girls, and now 4 year old son, about our daughter.

Here is my dilemma: Sophie's grandparents desperately want to know her, and rightfully so, but what's best for Sophie? They live in another state, but want to talk to her on the phone and visit sometimes. I don't know how to tell Sophie she has another set of grandparents who love her, but a dad that still doesn't want a relationship with her yet. Any advice on what I should do?

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Michelle - posted on 09/18/2011

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I think you'll be surprised on how resilient our kids really are. I would let them develop a relationship and see how it goes. You never know, once his parents are more involved he may come around. Maybe even discuss with his parents on what would be the best way to handle it if she asks about Dad. Get them to give him a heads up that they will be in contact with Sophie and that she may start asking about him. It may be the push he needs.
Good luck with it all.

Wendy - posted on 09/17/2011

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and you are there to protect her rights first not the dad or grandparents...

Wendy - posted on 09/17/2011

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i would leave it untill dad is in the picture with it....it will only lead to questions about why her dad is not there and try to explain that without hurting her....not posible in my book

[deleted account]

Hello Heather.
I agree with Erica. She has the right to loving grandparents and her father will have to deal with the issue at some point, whether or not that means having a relationship with your daughter.

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Heather - posted on 09/20/2011

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Thank you for the advice! I have spent some time thinking about the situation and I think it would be best for Sophie to know her grandparents. She is going to ask questions about her dad regardless, and I don't want to be the one to keep her from more love and support. I think it will complicate the situation with her dad a bit, but he is going to have to realize that I'm doing what's best for Sophie. Hopefully, this will steer things in the right direction with him.

Heather - posted on 09/18/2011

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His parents do talk to him about her. He's just chicken to be honest because his other kids will be upset, which isn't an excuse. Also, he has never seen Sophie... we both went our separate ways 6-7 years ago and just recently got back into contact. I know it sounds crazy, but I was 18 and just didn't see the big picture. I want Sophie to have a relationship with her grandparents, but I just don't know if it's the right time.

Michelle - posted on 09/18/2011

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I keep thinking about how his other children are going to react when they do find out about your daughter. They may not be happy that he's been keeping her a "secret" for so long. He's not thinking about any of his children, just himself.
I would let Sophie have comtact with his parents, maybe if they build a relationship with her they will talk to her Dad. He can't stop the grandparents from having contact.

Heather - posted on 09/18/2011

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I agree, just wish I could make it happen sooner. Right now, her dad and I get along as "friends", so I don't want to ruin that, but I do think all the kids involved deserve to know the truth. I just don't know how to go about this whole situation! So difficult to decide what's best and when.

Cindy - posted on 09/17/2011

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HE isn't ready! This is not about him. This is about your daughter. He will have to eventually tell his other two children about Sophie. It would be best for him to do this now rather than later. What will his other children think about him if he waits? What kind of role model is he being? He is keeping something from them. He has another child he is not being a father too. He needs to Man Up :)

Heather - posted on 09/17/2011

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Thank you! I agree with both sides; I am close with one set of my grandparents, but did not get to meet the other set before they passed away, so I do want Sophie to know her grandparents. However, I do think there will come a time in the near future when we can ALL (dad included) have some sort of relationship. I just don't want to give her dad enough slack for him to think he won't ever have to face this. It's hard trying to balance how much to push, but still maintain some sort of friendship for Sophie's sake later on.

Heather - posted on 09/17/2011

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Thank you both! I guess I just wonder if telling Sophie about her grandparents will lead to tougher questions about her father. Right now, she just asks what he looks like and says she wants to know him, but she is only 6, so she doesn't stay on the topic very long. If she talks to her grandparents and develops a relationship with them, I'm afraid it will become more of a "my daddy doesn't want me" or "I'm not good enough for daddy" situation, and as her mommy, I don't ever want her to feel that way.

Erica - posted on 09/16/2011

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Her dad is going to have to deal with the issue sooner rather than later and you are enabling his behavior. Let the grandparents see or talk to her...that's whats best

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