Baby father issues? Advice?

Chelsea - posted on 09/07/2012 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I need advice. Non biased just logical and truthful...



Long story short, I got pregnant by a "man" who I know I shouldn't have been involved with because of his immaturity, infidelity and irresponsibility. It look a lot to forgive myself for my poor choice but I find myself still falling back into this sad mindset because I put myself and my son in a bad situation.



The father doesn't help financially even though he is working. I don't mind not getting his help BUT my issue is that he claims my son and posts pictures I've taken pretending that he is actively involved on social networks. I do feel that he does have interest in my son because he's his own flesh and blood. However, he doesn't put in the effort like he should if he was really interested.



Im a borderline feminist. So I'm not too concerned if he doesn't want to be involved later in the future. I'm more than capable of raising my son. My issue is that I can never refuse him if he ever wants to see my son.. Which hurts. I've been alone since I got pregnant up until now (My son is now 8 months old). It's still early in my sons life but how do I deal with my feelings? I almost feel regretful but my son is such a major blessing in my life. BUT it's not fair that I have to share this blessing with someone who only visits when its convenient for him.



Our relationship has been over. But i would still never just hop into bed with just anyone. BC I would never embarrass my son like that, OR him because he is my sons father. He has no problem going back to his old ways. It just saddens me because I don't want my son seeing that as something to look up to.



Theres so much more. How do I deal with letting my negative feelings get the best of me? I dread the day he asks to take my son over night. I want to protect my son so bad for turning out like his father...

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Jodi - posted on 09/07/2012

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"Allowing" his dad to be in his life is nothing to do with feminism or not. It is actually your child's birthright. It shouldn't even be your decision whether he is "allowed" in his life or not.



All this talk about "it's not fair", you have to stop. Why is it fair that you have to share the blessing? Because, like it or not (and you liked it okay when you got pregnant), he IS the father, and therefore, he has rights just like you.



With regard to his pretense to be involved, yeah, I get it. My son's father brags all over FB about his son's rugby prowess, and how proud of him he is. He has seen his son a total of 3 times this year, and only watched one game. I understand it is annoying that they take the credit, but honestly, you just have to get over it. Just ignore it.



The last thing I ever wanted was for my son to turn out like his dad. He won't. He has me. But he loves his dad, and he DOES look up to him. My son is 15, and he's just fine.



Let it go. If his dad wants to be involved in his life, let him. If the time comes and he wants him overnight or for a few days holiday or something, then that needs to be okay too. Your son deserves to choose whether he wants to get to know and build a relationship with his father. If you deny these things, you are denying him that choice.

Tonya - posted on 09/14/2012

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Let me make this clear to you. I never said anything about anybody kids or children. I will not get on this site and be rude or disrespectful of kids. I stated it is foolish for any person to allow their kids the mental abuse from a parent. I stated I would not settle for a sometime dad or mom. You said something is better than nothing. And I dont thinks that its fair for a child or children to observe behaviors of the sort. You telling your kids it ok to be apart of somebody life when ever they feel like it.

Dhanya - posted on 09/10/2012

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Hi Chelsea

I completely understand the kind of feeling that comes when you know that you are single-handedly parenting the child, while the father appears only for occasional displays of affection. You feel you are the only one feeling responsible for the child, hence the other person effectively has no right to the child.

It is a sad truth that legally, both parents get to have equal share on the child, even if one of them doesn't care enough to take responsibility for him/her. If the father was a responsible person, he would have wanted to bond with the child. He would have made efforts in that direction. Which has not happened.

First I wish to say that you can be well-assured that your child is already intelligent enough. Children can differentiate between real love and fake sporadic love. They tend to gravitate toward the parent who gives constant love and support, and behaves in normal , predictable ways with them.

Second, you must hang in there and take help for yourself. Treat the borderline, which makes you think this is all unfair. The issue is not whether things are fair or not, the issue is how we take things from here. What has happened cannot be reversed. But now it is essential that you, as the primary caregiver, be a strong, positive mom and a role-model for your son.

Wishing you best of luck.

Dove - posted on 09/08/2012

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It's not your call whether or not he gets to see his son. If you go to court... he WILL get visitation. Whether or not he decides to use that visitation.... or only uses it at random... is entirely his choice. It is his legal right to have access to his child and it is your child's moral right to have access to his father. Period.



Your baby is only 8 months old. From 2-16 months old my son saw his father ONCE. He hardly ever sees his father, but at 4 years old he knows and loves his daddy and is a very well adjusted happy little boy. Seeing his father 1-3 times/year only 'disturbs' his life for a short time and then everything is back to normal. Yes, having a regular father is better for any kid, but having a sometimes father is better than having none. You just make sure not to slam on the father to/around the kid and fill his life with other positive male role models when the father chooses not to be around.



YOU as his all the time parent have way more influence on whether or not your child is harmed by a sometimes parent.

Jodi - posted on 09/08/2012

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Your son is only 8 months old. Have you really given his father much of a chance? There is nothing in your post that says anything about his father not wanting to see him, or even how often he is seeing him. Immaturity, infidelity and irresponsiblity are not reasons to deny a child his father. I didn't suggest you WERE denying him. I was advising you not to. I also never said it was okay for him to come in and out of his life as he pleased. But you take what you can get for your child sometimes. And no, it doesn't necessarily do them any harm. It depends on how YOU handle it.

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Melissa - posted on 09/16/2012

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I just finished with court - I was ASTONISHED how much money I get a month of child support now. I was like you at one point saying "I don't mind not getting his help." and I can say now that, YES, It means so much that money because it does a lot for my daughter.

The reality is when we go into court its about Advocating for our childs rights, which means our children deserve to have that extra money which is money we could be putting into their RESP to support their future education and so forth....



Ultimately it is your choice.

My daughters father was and still is a rude and verbally abusive man to me at times, never to her. My daughter deserves her father in her life, especially since he wants a relationship with her, so I decided to create a planned access -- he takes her every sunday and eventually after some incriminates, he will be moved into 2 over nights a month.

I will speak personally for myself from having him NOT involved AT ALL!!! To now having him take responsibility financially and be more involved physically. I feel Empowered so much now, and I feel that I stood up for my daughter and her rights while she is incapable of speaking up at her young age.



As for how to deal with the resentments.... I personally have struggled a great deal with this because her father vanished when he would get mad at me for weeks--- no phonecalls to check up on her, no contact, hang ups and calling me horrible names... and even posting pictures on facebook with the random visits he took at her daycare with me unaware... and make it look like he was so involved - when he wasn't.

While I was up 4 times a night and in school full time and I was the one raising this child.

My venting tools were using very close friends to support me when I needed a good cry, and journaling or writting him NON SENDING letters just to help release my anger. It's important to not let your child feel your anger so its crucial that you find an outlet.

I also suggest if you're open to it, seeing a therapist once to twice a month just to vent it out and share.... if anything to not drain those around you and to have someone who is there to listen to you, and help you put your feelings into perspective.

I honestly can say though since taking him to court and doing what I felt was needed to hold him accountable in some form - I have felt less resentment towards him and myself.



A book that helped a great deal with owning my power and not letting his actions take my inner peace away is a daily meditation reading book called

"The language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie



Here is a reading from September 7th (that I really related to)



"Stop making excuses for other people

Stop making excuses for ourselves. While it it our goal to develop compassion and achieve forgiveness, acceptance, and love, it is also our goal to accept reality and hold people accountable for their behavior.

We can also hold ourselves accountable for our own behavior, and at the same time, have compassion and understanding for others.

We are not victims, we are not helpless, accpeting powerlessness when that is appropriate enables us to begin owning our true power to take care of ourselves.

Today I will avoid making excuses for my own or someone else's behavior. I will let consequences and responsibility fall where they belong."



Good luck on your journey

Dhanya - posted on 09/15/2012

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Going to court and getting custody rights and support money issues clearly stated out is indeed an option to try. But it makes no difference to the real issue, which is that you feel bad because the father doesn't act responsibly. The law can only make him do things, cannot change the way he thinks.

I still feel that the best way is to be a good role model for your son. As long as he is not abusive to your son, there is no danger to him seeing him. Focus on yourself. Work on the negativity that is pulling you down. Know that you have done the best possible for you and your son based on how much wisdom you had at each stage. Now that you have had these experiences, you are all the more wiser. I would suggest you quit looking at his fb updates. Instead just focus on you and your baby. You baby is indeed a blessing, and it is also important that you do not tell him anything bad about father. Later on, you can just say when he asks - I and your father split up due to certain differences.

If you allow your child to think independently and validate his feelings, he will think for himself and come to understand what is normal and what is not. So, for your sons's sake, you need to make yourself emotionally strong. You are lucky to be financially sound, so that's not a problem.

These are just my opinions, please take what sounds right for you.

All the very best.

Teresa - posted on 09/12/2012

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One things I totally agree with, NEVER TALK BAD ABOUT THE ABSENT PARENT. It makes them 'idealized' and in turn they will turn against you later.

Dove - posted on 09/12/2012

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I may be a 'fool' in your eyes, but I'm speaking from my own life and the lives of my kids. You wanna call them fools too for loving their Daddy?!

Tonya - posted on 09/12/2012

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I understand exactly what you are trying to say without every detail of your life and son life. I would say this to you, you do not have to except or allow that type of drama in your life or son life. If you can afford to take excellent care financially of your son, don't do the child support. If he is immature like you say he is, he will not press the issue with the courts. Don't talk negetive about the father. Your son will only come to you when he's in kindergarten about his dad. Hope you have moved on with someone special for you and your son. If not then you can tell him in your own word that dad has moved to the moon. When he gets school age have a different talk. Don't wait for him to come to you, you go to him. I wouldn't allow a anytime dad come in and out of his life. And the person who said something is better than nothing is such a fool. I wouldn't allow pain to come and go consistantly in my child life only because the dad feel like spending time. He's only going to visit and say your mom don't let me see you as often. Protect your son from him. You must be responsible for what you allow your son to see and desire.

Teresa - posted on 09/10/2012

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First, if you haven't gone to court yet, go now. Set up regular child support and visitations. I see no need for an overnight at this young age. If he isn't seeing your son regularly, then I can't see overnights in future unless you are just too far apart. As far as him getting actively involved a.d using pictures to 'prove' it... block him and whoever else he's getting pictures from. That way he can't 'fake it' in the future. Hope this helps and doesn't tick off too many people. Just remember, YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S BIGGEST ADVOCATE!!!

User - posted on 09/08/2012

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You should definitely be getting child support for your son. If the father wants to see him, you should make clear cut arrangements and not allow him to just come and go into your son's life as HE pleases. Yes, I realize that it hurts to see this "father" acknowledge, but then again not really acknowledge him, but in time this will pass also. I agree with the posts that your son need a father, but your son is still an infant and as he grows up, he will make his own decisions and choice on whether or not he wants to continue having a relationship with him.



As far as your fears that your son will turn out like his father, only time will tell that, but since you will probably be his main role model, it is important for you to not only communicate this, but also lead by example.



Wishing you the best!

Sophia - posted on 09/08/2012

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Your child need a daddy ... not a father.. your child should get child support. If he is not a good daddy then your son dont need to know man like that lives. but he should pay child support. A good mommy is better than a wondering mom and a bad daddy staying together.

Chelsea - posted on 09/08/2012

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thank you. yes I have a blog. Its nice to vent but when he suddenly pops up again, the anxiety and stress of having to deal with him comes back. But thank you for your response!

Chelsea - posted on 09/08/2012

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I'm not denying him anything.



So him coming in an out of my sons life whenever he feels like it is okay? I feel like that does more harm than anything.

Lacye - posted on 09/07/2012

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It's a sad thing but there are somethings that you are not going to be able to protect your son from. Like his father's irresponsible behavior. The main thing you can do is be there for your son and teach him that that is not how you treat people and that is not something he wants to be.



As for your feelings towards him, it is going to take some time. It will probably always bother you because your son has to be around him but you are going to have to work that out. Have you tried keeping a journal or something similar to that? It sounds corny I know but it can work.

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