Baby made out of LOVE?

[deleted account] ( 13 moms have responded )

I am SM to my SD. So BM has told me that when SD starts asking about how she was born what she is going to tell her. And she told me that she is going to tell SD that BM and DH loved each other and then had her. I TOTALLY disagree that she should tell her that. Only because, she was NOT made out of love. My DH never loved her. They were together 1 month into them being in a relationship before she got pregnant and he stayed a couple more months and then he and I got back together after He and I were in a relationship and cheated on me with her. Do you think she should go ahead and tell her that they loved each other, or the truth which is, they were not in a serious relationship and weren't careful and they were blessed with her?

ps. Some of you may think maybe he just told me he didn't love her because it's me he's telling, and maybe he did love her, but BM has told me that is why they broke up because she asked him if he loved her and he told her "no".

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Dove - posted on 09/16/2013

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If he didn't love her... he shouldn't have had sex with her. Maybe SHE loved him... in which case telling the child that she was conceived in love is not a lie. Would you prefer for her to tell her child that her father is a two timing scum bag... or that the child was conceived in love?

Michelle - posted on 09/16/2013

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Unless a child is conceived from rape then there are usually some feeling there to start with otherwise they wouldn't have slept together.
Dove is right, why would you want a child of 3-4 knowing her Father cheated on you and had a child with her Mother. Some things children DON'T need to know and this is one of them.
You also can't control what her Mother say to her so you might just want to stop worrying about it. If she asks you and you tell her the truth you will only look like the bitter SM that her man cheated on.

Dove - posted on 09/16/2013

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Bio/Birth Mom, Step Daughter (or Dad... depending on context), Step Mom

Ev - posted on 09/16/2013

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I also have to agree with Dove's statements too. He did the deed behind your back and you took him back. You have a lovely child to love and be a part of her life. What is true for her might not have been true for him, but it is still true....she loved him therefore she felt the child came from love. Who is to say otherwise? It is between them really.

Ev - posted on 09/16/2013

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It is possible that they did have some feelings for each other at the moment that this happened. You were not there to see and hear things or know what was going on. You do not really know. This child is a blessing and maybe the mother believes that her child was conceived out of love at that moment. That is all the child needs to know. Why make a big deal out of it. And you mentioned that he cheated on you with this woman? Maybe he is telling you what you want to hear so that it does not hurt you. I don't know but this is what I am thinking.

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[deleted account]

I probably wont say anything, but if my step daughter ever asks ME in the future. i will tell her the truth. At least an age where she can understand.

[deleted account]

I mean, my dad told me that, when I was a little older than her, I understand that neither of them "planned" to have me, but that they loved me. Not each other. So yeah i guess i don't see why they can't tell her the TRUTH.

***what you are not getting is SHE TOLD ME, not him. Well he has said the same thing but she was the one who told me that he didn't love her.***

And Shawnn, he did cheat on me with her, he just didn't get her pregnant at THAT time, we broke up because he cheated, and a couple weeks LATER got her pregnant. And two months after that, we officially got back togther.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/23/2013

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Does it really matter that much to you what she tells her daughter, as long as it involves: Your daddy and I created you, and were blessed with you?

Jessica, you're letting yourself get way too worked up over things. Back off of needing to know every single thing the woman wants to tell her kid.

The fact of the matter is, your (now) husband may have very well told her that he did love her in the beginning. You and he had broken up, and yes, you're back together now, but you weren't at the time of conception. The story you tell above about him "cheating" on you differs from the one a couple of weeks ago where you'd broken up, and he hooked up with her during the interim before deciding that you were the one he wanted permanently. That's not cheating, not if you had separated.

And, yes, he may very well be telling you that he NEVER loved her, but he may have also told her that he did once, and then didn't. Either way, you weren't there during that part of his life, so you really don't know the true story. And you're not likely to get an unbiased version from either of them. I know this. I'm the second wife. I believe what my husband has told me about his previous marriage, because I've had corroborations from not only his friends, but also her friends, and his family. And I've had the dubious pleasure of interacting with her, so I'm pretty sure he's telling me the truth. Do I know for a fact? Nope, I sure don't...because I wasn't there.

So, you'd rather she told her daughter that she was a mistake, that she wasn't really supposed to be created?

Ev - posted on 09/23/2013

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But, Jessica, you were not there and that is the whole point here. If he could tell her he loved her to get what he wanted, what makes you think he is going to be truthful to you totally?

Back to the point though. There is a difference in being there and knowing the situation and being told about it. Unless you were there, you only know what they both have told you. And you do not know that woman's mind. Maybe she did have some sort of feelings for him or cared about him. THat counts as a sort of love. But to deny a child that is an awful thing. To make a child think that they were wanted by one parent or the other is devastating.

[deleted account]

So technically he didn't cheat on me AND get her pregnant. He cheated on me we broke up and maybe a couple weeks after got her pregnant. Idk how I can make up him not loving her if SHE was the one who told me first that he told her he didn't. I'm guessing what he felt was HORMONES. because at that age, that's all he really wanted was sex. I know how he is almost like most guys, telling someone he loved them when that's the easiest way for a girl to give it up.

I guess Bio mom telling step daughter SHE loved step daughter's daddy and they had her that might be true. even then, at that young, for that short of time, that wasn't love. in my opinion.

Gena - posted on 09/16/2013

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I am sorry..BM, SD,SM is confusing when you dont live in an english speaking country.I dont know what it stands for.

Crystal - posted on 09/16/2013

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i believe that honesty is the best policy when it comes to kids...lying to them could cause confusion . you can suggest to the BM to tell the truth but you can't make her. i hope it all works out for you guys

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