Baby mama problems

Shantanna - posted on 11/22/2014 ( 32 moms have responded )

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My soon to be husband and I are excepting twins in June 2015 we were really excited about two weeks ago he tells me he has another daughter who is only 3 months she was born around the time I got pregnant he's seen her a couple times and u hate it it makes me sick to my stomach I hate the fact he has another kid he didn't cheat on me but I feel my unborn family is broken how to fix this how to i get over this

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Wanda - posted on 11/23/2014

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I don't believe this is something to "get over", rather something to deal with.
You sound like you have low self esteem. I think you may need to seek help from a professional. Councelling can help you make very important decisions coming forward. I think you need to fix you, so that you can be the best mom for your babies. Wether or not he is in the picture is yet to be established anyways by the sounds of things.
Get the help you need so that you can make wise choices, not choices made by a man making not so great ones as indicated.
Take things into your own hands. Be strong. And when you want to meet the other mom, go meet her in a calm, pleasant manner. Don't ask your bf. Perhaps he is still seeing her and making up stories about you so that she hates you and keeps you from the truth? Because only liars have to hide things.

Sarah - posted on 11/23/2014

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If you have no issue with this woman, then reach out. Maybe you two can be friends for the sake of all the kids. Why are you letting this man, who is not your husband and fathered a baby without your knowledge dictate to whom and when you speak? So what if this is his ex-girlfriend, she is the mother (maybe, DNA pending) of your twins' half-sister!
You are about to be a mother, take control and in the long run you will be better off. What are you afraid of? Finding out they are still sleeping together? That he has more kids? That he lied to you? Better you find out now and get a support order and save as much money as you can before you get too big to work!

Sarah - posted on 11/23/2014

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I agree with the necessity of a DNA test, and a real one, done thru the court. Not the one you mail in yourself.
To base paternity on resemblance is ridiculous!

Jodi - posted on 11/22/2014

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Honestly, until he gets a DNA test done, you are crossing all the bridges before you come to them. Baby mama is not the problem here, he is.

Sarah - posted on 11/22/2014

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This all sounds very fishy. Why isn't it time? For crying out loud, will there ever be a perfect time? I suggest you get busy and set up a support order for your twins, who knows how many other kids may pop in the mean time. He sounds very controlling and untrustworthy. You may love him but your number one priority needs to be those babies.

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Shantanna - posted on 11/24/2014

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Okay so I have reached out and starting to feel a little better but still feeling unsure about everything

Shantanna - posted on 11/24/2014

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Yes but it's his chose when I should meet her or if I should I can't push it can i?

Sarah - posted on 11/24/2014

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This baby (if it is his) and her mama are not going to disappear. Meeting her is not going to cause any more problems then not meeting her. At the very least he must get the paternity test done.

Shantanna - posted on 11/24/2014

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I'm not afraid of him I just don't want to cause more problems I'm working on us getting back together how we used to be and that might push us so far

Sarah - posted on 11/24/2014

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You think he will be mad if you go behind his back and call her, I get that. So tell him you want to meet her, and then tell him you will contact her yourself. Why are you afraid of this guy?

Shantanna - posted on 11/24/2014

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I'm afraid that he will be mad if I talk to her with out him and I talking I would be if he did it so I'm just not sure how do this

Mommabird - posted on 11/23/2014

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Forgot to add something important. Regardless of what you decide to do...you dont need stress. You are pregnant with twins and thats stressful enough, emotionally and physically. For your health now and in the future, keep your stress level down. I wasnt even pregnant during our seperation, but i was stressed ALOT....then when i found out he has twins by another woman my anxiety hit the roof for a few weeks until I realized I was ok and ready to deal with it. Apparently all that stress and anxiety is what caused my current health issue....fibromyalgia. To put it simply, my nerve sensors were damaged and my pain sensors were magnified x10. So now i live with this incurable health issue all because I let stress and anxiety take over.
Take care of yourself and your babies. Good luck with everything :)

Mommabird - posted on 11/23/2014

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I havent read any of the other responses so I may be repeating things that others have already said but....
I was actually in your same situation just last year. Short version of my situation is...we were together 2009-2011 and seperated for almost a year. We got back together and then found out he got someone pregnant(with twins) during our seperation. My first reaction was disappointment, sadness, anger. After discussing it with him and hearing his views I was assured and promised that it would NOT affect our relationship in any negative way. He loved me, had no feelings for her, and wanted to just do the right thing and be in the twins' life. Thankfully their mother and I get along pretty well, mainly because we both feel that the only thing that matters is that the twins are loved and taken care of.
So my advice to you is to have a heart to heart with your fiance. Make sure youre both on the same page where everyone involved is concerned. Insecurity is very unattractive to men. Bottom line though is -if you want to marry him and be a stepmom to his daughter then you have to be 100% in it. If youre not 100% ok with the situation there will be conflict and possibly cause everyone involved to resent you for it.

Sarah - posted on 11/23/2014

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All the better to do it now, so you can apologize and make amends. He is going to keep having reasons for you not to meet her or the baby.

Shantanna - posted on 11/23/2014

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It's not that he doesn't want me to meet her just says it's not time because I said really bad things

Michelle - posted on 11/22/2014

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All of my children look the same but only 2 have the same Father. Just going on looks doesn't mean anything, she could have slept with someone who looked similar to him.
He needs to get a DNA test done and then set up child support and visitation. If he is the Father then you will have to meet the child as you will be her stepmother. While she is with her Father you will be co parenting.
If you find this too hard then you should get some help. Find a counsellor to talk through your feelings with and they can help you deal with them.

Jodi - posted on 11/22/2014

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You have every right to expect him to have a DNA test done. There is obviously a reason that previously he thought it wasn't his. This isn't just about him, but about both of you and your twins. He has an OBLIGATION to get the test done so that there is some level of certainty in everyone's lives and you can all move forward on whichever path this takes you.

Mrs George - posted on 11/22/2014

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this can can be so crazy especially for a pregnant woman to handle but right not u need to push emotional stress aside and face your babies, as for your man it seems more babies can still come eventually (from another woman).

Shantanna - posted on 11/22/2014

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It isn't time because if things I said and did it's a lot going on my mind is so fucked up all the time about this

Shantanna - posted on 11/22/2014

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No not yet but he say she looks like him and she didn't know we were together his best friend hates me and is trying to break us up and she pushed her back into his life I feel like I'm failing in everything I do with us

Dove - posted on 11/22/2014

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There has been no paternity test? So he doesn't KNOW if he's the father or not...

I'd not be too suspicious of the fact that she blocked you on Facebook for 'nothing'. Considering that her baby is only 3 months old and another woman is already pregnant w/ this man's children... she may be feeling worse about the situation than you are. They haven't been broken up even over a year (just doing the math) and he's already 'moved on' (if he, in fact, really has). This has got to be a lot for BOTH of you women to deal with.

Man sounds like a player (maybe not, maybe he's just made a couple of mistakes... doesn't sound good though) and I'd be proceeding VERY cautiously. Your first priority is the well being of your babies. Second is whatever does or does not happen w/ their father.

Ev - posted on 11/22/2014

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It is a shock to learn that your partner has a child with someone else. But it is not the child's fault she was born. He has an obligation to that child too. She needs to know him as much as the twins do. And they are her half siblings. Take a step back and look at it from another point of view. This child could be as much a blessing to your family as your twins will be. Have you seen this child yet? Maybe once you do, you might fall in love with her too. A lot of people get involved with someone who has kids from previous relationships or one night stands etc. Its more the norm than it is a once in a while thing. Just be cordial and polite when it comes to his other child's mother. You did not say she was causing any flack with you two so where is the problem other than the fact he has a child with someone else?

Shantanna - posted on 11/22/2014

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It's a lot to explain we just found out he only seen her a couple time the mother has blocked me off Facebook for no reason and I haven't meet his daughter yet again he says it's not time and no test yet

Sarah - posted on 11/22/2014

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You can't just let it go, you either stay and work through it or leave and work through it. You are bound to this man thru the babies and bound to the woman because she is the mother of your babies half-sister. It is definitely appropriate for you to meet the other mother and if he does not want to help facilitate that, then go ahead and introduce yourself. Why would he not want you to meet her? Have you met the baby girl? Was paternity proven? Is he still involved with her? You need to think long and hard about what is going on with this guy. Wouldn't it be ideal for everyone if the two mothers of his three kids got along?

Shantanna - posted on 11/22/2014

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I'm just Insecure and we have been fighting so much I love him just not sure how to let this all go

Dove - posted on 11/22/2014

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It's not 'baby mama' problems... it's 'soon to be husband' problems... It IS your place to meet her if you want as your twins are going to be her daughter's siblings and this innocent baby girl is going to be a part of your life for at least the next 18 years.

Quite frankly... I would not be marrying this man until there has been some counseling and you are all on the same page (as much as possible) about custody and visitation and such. If you are not willing to accept this innocent child into your lives and he is not willing to work w/ both of the mothers of his children... your marriage won't last anyway.

Good luck w/ it all!

Shantanna - posted on 11/22/2014

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He says it not my place to meet her and I knew it was a possibility but he always said it wasn't his

Sarah - posted on 11/22/2014

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He broke your trust by not telling you he was going to have a child. That is going to take a while to get over. I understand you are upset but this baby is not going to disappear and he is legally bound to provide support for her for the next 18 years whether or not he sees her regularly. Perhaps reach out through your BF to meet the other mother, maybe you two can at least get along, you are about to share half- siblings.

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