babys father waiting for me to change before being involved

Jessica - posted on 05/11/2014 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My name is Jessica and I am 20 years old with an amazing 10 week old daughter. I was travelling via hitchhiking and train hopping when I met her father in san fransisco during the 420 fest last year. I became pregnant 3 months into our relationship and immediately started feeling the effects of the pregnancy on every aspect of my body and mind. we lived in the basement of a punk music venue in Portland Oregon and the place had fleas, alcoholics, drugs, cigarettes, fighting, loud music in the middle of the night.... I could go on. I was miserable. I loved being around this type of thing before, but now I cant partake in anything. so I ended up in our flea infested room in the basement alone while my babys father was upstairs partying. he would pop in once in a while to play videogames, have sex, and then leave again. he never spent time with me just to be around me. when I confronted him, he got angry and ran off. I was alone the majority of the time though he was in the same house. I went out to look for jobs, find assistance, just trying to get things going to take care of a baby. he smoked weed, skateboarded and played his guitar. I asked him to get a job and he filled out half of an application online and claimed he couldn't get "normal guy jobs" because of his hurt back. this was the first time I had heard of his back hurting. I began to get angry and resentful. I cried... like long hours of bellowing at the ceiling, alone getting bit by fleas. he called me crazy and was gone for even longer periods of time. I begged for him just to spend some time with me. I let him play videogames for days thinking hed turn around and ask me how I was feeling or if I wanted anything to drink. just some little light of kindness and caring. the people in the house didn't like me mucking up their perfect party life and eventually I found myself in a house full of people who hated me, including the man I made a baby with. I punched him in the butt cheek as he walked out the door once and he told everyone I was beating him.
finally I got in contact with an old friend of mine, and he was in Vancouver Washington talking about a house he was going to renovate in Montana and wanted me to come with him. I promptly packed my backpack and gave him the dumb playstation and left the next morning while he was at some pirate festival. I even paid the remainder of the months rent with my food stamps. I lasted one day on the road with my friend and ended up calling my mom for help.
so now im in Amarillo texas 4 months pregnant trying to get him to talk to me and he wont. the one or two times he did, it was to argue and tell me how mean I am. I considerd adoption for two weeks when I realized I wouldn't be able to do it. my mother was upset at the idea and so was everyone else. somehow my sister ended up calling me the devil child and ignored me as well. my mom left for florida and I stayed in Amarillo for about a month until I ended up in florida as well. all the while trying everything to get him to talk to me. show some interest in his baby to be. and he started a band. I sent him ultrasound pictures, told him that it was a girl, told him the name I picked out. and he named a cat he found under a bridge what I told him I wanted to name her. so I had to change the name. I tried getting his friends to talk to him and he accused me of manipulation. this may be true, but all I was after was having my daughter have her father. he accused me of wanting to be with him. brought up things that happened months prior and never once asked how the baby was doing in utero. not once. by the end of the pregnancy I was crying and blaming myself for him not wanting to be there when his daughter was born. I was so stressed and depressed, my doctor said I wasn't emotional able to give birth and after 2 failed inductions, I went in for a c section. needless to say I forgot about him for the next few weeks. she absolutely perfect and healthy and so beautiful.
he knew my due date, and when april rolled around and he didn't say anything I set my sights on him again. wondering who in their right mind would knowingly ignore the birth of their child. didn't ask if she was healthy didn't ask her name her birth day nothing. just kept touring and smoking his stupid weed. so I sent him a picture. and told him the details. he ignores it. I ask if he wanted me to move closer since we were on opposite sides of the country and he ignored that too. I offered to pay for him to get his name on her birth certificate and he could leave again if he wanted. I just wanted her to have a full birth certificate and for him to meet her at least so he could make a decision with clear vision. he ignored that too... he hasn't said anything at all for months and all I could ever get out of him before that was "im broke and youre mean, good luck. I know lots of single mothers".
so now that the novelty of a new baby has worn off, I am alone again. in a camper at a koa in florida with my 2 month old. and every day I ask myself if it really was my fault... what do you guys think of that situation?

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First off, I commend you for making the decision to keep your child and raise her! That takes a lot; especially given your situation.

Secondly, let me say that after reading these comments, I am in disbelief how anyone would be pointing fingers! Complete lack of compassion and consideration.

Now, I can somewhat relate to your story. I was with my sons father for 3 years before getting pregnant. We had our own apartment in NY and when it came down to it, all he could say was that he didn't want to be a father and that I HAD to abort it. Like you, I reacted quickly. I packed what I could that night and left back home to FL where my family could help and provide the emotional support I needed after having my heart shattered to pieces by a man who I thought loved me.

Sweets, this will take time to heal. And not time as in a few months, it will take years. My sons father still hasn't come around....but oh the reverse psychology did he play to make himself feel better and me feel like EVERYTHING was my fault. No matter what you do, he will always have an excuse. Voice of experience.

So I suggest, which I know its easier said than done, focusing on you and your child. I understand it can be hard because every child deserves their father. It's a cruel thing to do on his part, but one day he will see all he's missed out on and regret it. He's not waiting for you to change. If he had some common sense and a heart, he would be doing whatever it takes to support his child and be a father. Some men are too selfish to care about who they are hurting; which is obviously the child in the long run.

When I realized that my sons father had become my default, that's when I was able to set myself free and let go of any blame I was putting on myself. I got so used to missing him, blaming myself, trying to get him to WANT to love his child and be there...you name it. Then one day I realized that I didn't miss him and that my child was perfectly fine without him. I never saw it before because I was so caught up torturing myself with all the questions and hurt and pain that he caused when he left and chose not to be involved. I didn't even miss him but I kept telling myself I did because I did for so long that when I stopped missing him, I didn't even notice. Let go of the default. Don't let "the father is not around" make you a victim. Find strength in all of this and be the best person you can be for your daughter.

It took me 3 years, and I won't lie, I still have my moments but as time passes those moments happen less and less. Yes, you'll have to step up and play mom and dad, but that makes you one kick-ass person :) Be proud of yourself because not too many people have that kind of strength and determination. You kept your daughter and you chose not to give her up. Now give her the life she deserves.

It will be hard, because I am struggling to find a balance between love and discipline...especially having a boy. Boys need their dads but I've accepted my situation and I refused to become another "statistic". He's right, there are plenty of single moms...but it's sad and pathetic that there are so many single moms these days because men are too cowardly to handle responsibility for their actions.

I too want my sons father to come around. I always have hope...my son deserves that much. But you cannot make someone love someone if they do not want to. You cannot make someone want to be there, that has to come from them...their heart.
Do not let him use you as an excuse. I personally know plenty of woman who give their baby's father hell but the father is still there regardless. It's a hard fact to face because it always made me feel like how could other kids have their dad and my son can't. And I always compared how nice I was to my sons father versus how other women treat theirs. I went through it all, trying to convince myself that I was worthy....then I realized I was always worthy...it was just him who wasn't worthy of having two great people in his life if he doesn't even care about himself. My sons father was a recovering addict as well. One thing I've noticed, especially with addicts, is that they are numb. They do not feel and they are incapable of caring about anyone; nonetheless love and nurture a child. I think the drugs really does something to people emotionally, in a way that its almost impossible to recover. They lack compassion and humility and love.

It's not your fault. Granted, I'm sure you've played your part as we all have. I too have regrets or feel as though I may have added fuel to the fire...but that still doesn't justify him not being around. When someone wants to be a part of your life, there is no excuse that will hold them back. I've witnessed it.

Stay strong and continue to care for your daughter. Step up and play both roles for now if you have to. It's hard as hell but you can do it. Always have hope and faith that her father will come to his senses but don't dwell on it. I regret the time I wasted secluding myself and dwelling on how horrible and unfair my situation was. It still didn't change anything and it serves no good. Make a list of goals and things you'd like to accomplish and do with your daughter and then put all your time and energy into that. Everything else will fall into place.

As for custody...which I don't know why everyone was so focused on it when you were clearly looking for advice and just someone willing to listen, I wouldn't stress it. My sons father is not on the birth certificate, therefore, without court orders and DNA testing, he has no rights. And by the time he went through all of that, which I know how selfish and cheap my sons father is, I figured that gives me enough time to then worry about custody. In the meantime, don't sweat it. If he's not on the birth certificate, he has no rights unless paternity is proven. I don't have my sons father on child support. Like you, my sons father is in his late twenties with no job (he lives off of his parents who are both doctors, pathetic!). I figured, it was best to just let sleeping dogs lie....yes I have to work twice as a hard but time with my son is priceless and worth more than what a couple extra hundred dollars in child support would bring. Besides, I don't have to worry about court and custody battles and headaches and fighting etc. And I can do whatever I want with my son without having to ask for permission or get approval and that feels damn good. It's just me and my son and I'll do whatever it takes to give him a good life but I wont ruin it by putting my sons father on child support (most woman do it for revenge anyways) and FORCE someone to be a part of his child's life when he clearly doesn't want to. I keep an open door and my sons father knows if he ever wants to see his son, I wont ever stop him. I would never deprive my son from that opportunity; however, all I ask is that he be consistent. Up until now, he refuses to commit to being consistent and so we have failed at every attempt to try to make a visit happen. His excuse is that he doesn't have money to travel to see my son and that since he's such a loser, our son is better off without him. I let him be with his pitty party, I have too much on my plate to nurture a broken soul.

A baby is not a contract. You're much better off keeping your dignity and walking away. Let it go. Rely on family for encouragement. Do things that make you happy and make time to pamper yourself. Your child will be fine. She'll have questions when she gets older, but she will not be any less of a person because she doesn't have her father. Just make sure that you do such a good job at being a mom that when that time comes, she can say "well I may not have my dad but I have one dedicated and amazing mother". Don't let her down and in order to not do that, it's best to let go and focus on making yourself a better person. Time will heal but it takes a long time. I'm three years in and I'm still healing.... Wishing you all the best. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I know how heartrending it is. Lots of light and love

Tanya - posted on 05/12/2014

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Are you serious is what I really want to know.

You really want this 'winner' in your daughters life? I would be running away from him at a 100 miles an hour!!!

You'll do way better without him! Get yourself together, take care of your daughter and eventually maybe meet someone.

First and foremost take care of both of you!

Michelle - posted on 05/12/2014

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Like Jodi said: Just because you gave birth doesn't give you 100% custody. She is 50% his anyway. You couldn't have conceived her without him. It's in your best interests to get custody sorted out ASAP otherwise you could be back on here in a couple of years saying he isn't giving her back to you.
I regards to what you posted originally, you can't make someone be parent. You can't make someone change (like you are wanting him to). He's not wanting you to change, you are wanting him to change.
I think you need to get your custody situation sorted out, even if you don't file for child support. Then you need to concentrate on you and your daughter. Stop pushing him to be a parent but make sure you keep the lines of communication open.

Jodi - posted on 05/12/2014

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And just to add, without those court orders, if he shows up one day and decides to take your child and not give the child back, well, you may not have a leg to stand on. You may have to prove he wasn't the biological father for the police to do anything......and you can't do that if he decided to get a DNA test. So yeah, not so silly.

Jodi - posted on 05/12/2014

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Sweetheart, a baby coming out of your vagina does not automatically make it yours. Silly little girl you are. No-one SUGGESTED a judge would give him rights right now, just that you don't currently necessarily have all the rights. And people change. In two years, he might demand rights and he may have changed and he may get them. You know absolutely nothing. As I said, talk to a damn lawyer just in case. I don't know the laws where you live. Where I live, he'd have 50% rights by law unless the courts say otherwise. Silly person, you.

Your fault he doesn't want to be involved? No. But I can sure as shit understand why he wouldn't want to be around you. Did you try to belittle him the way you tried to belittle me too? (No, believe me, you didn't belittle me, you merely demonstrated your very young age and maturity in your ridiculous attempt).

Jessica - posted on 05/12/2014

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I think the custody filing nonsense you are touting is irrelevant to the situation. Of course I have custody, she came out of my body, silly person.. Hes homeless and has face tattoos. No judge in the world would give him any rights to a little girl. And I hardly think im dwelling. The post is almost a year packed into 4 paragraphs. I posted this because I felt like maybe it had been my fault he doesnt want to be involved.

Jodi - posted on 05/12/2014

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Okay, you can keep making excuses, but you have the power to put a stop to this. Do you really have legal custody? Not really. If he wants to a couple of years from now, he could demand a DNA test and file for his rights if he chose to. Just saying. Of course, it all depends where you live.

Ultimately, you need to stop dwelling on him. He's not going to change. Let other girls worry about themselves. You have your child to care for, stop wasting your energy on him. If he wants to be a father, let him step up, it has nothing to do with you other than allow him to be a father if that's what he chooses. But you don't have any obligation to change.

Jessica - posted on 05/11/2014

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he is waiting for me to send the sweetest most perfect message so he would want to talk to me. hence me thinking he wants me to change. hes said he cares about his baby but says im "too mean"for him to talk to me. also he never signed the birth certificate, I thought that meant he already has no rights therefor I already have full custody. and suing a homeless 23 year old who travels constantly and has no assets or responsibilities? please... it would cost me more money just to track him down. hes untouchable. it is hard for me to just forget about him because im afraid for the next girl he does this to. he gets a girl pregnant then says theyre mean and leaves.

Jodi - posted on 05/11/2014

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No, he isn't waiting for you to change. You are waiting for him to change, and he isn't going to. Why are you dwelling on him? You need to move on. File for full custody, file for child support and stop deluding yourself that he will change.

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